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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find the following reply about a Christmas present rude?

564 replies

Hellsbells35 · 02/01/2017 09:30

I sent a text to my brother asking if my nephew liked the Christmas present we gave him, and was shocked to receive the following:

"He wasn't impressed I'm afraid. Never really got into Lego as a kid, and now he is 16. Sorry."

I know I asked the question, but I really wasn't expecting that reply and find it quite hurtful as I had paid £40 on the gift. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Tempted to say let's not do presents anymore.

Basically they give you a list of presents they want and if you go off list and try and be thoughtful or imaginative you get it thrown back in your face.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
twattymctwatterson · 02/01/2017 23:33

Is this thread still going?! Op I don't know what your relationship is like with your DB but by now you'll understand that the gift really wasn't great. Could he think it was a bit of a PA statement? Going off list then chasing up a thank you did strike me a bit like that although I appreciate from your updates that you did feel it would be something DN would like

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 02/01/2017 23:35

My Dsis gives us awful presents, often with a superior 'I've got you something educational' statement to accompany. Sadly we are not the kind of family to give an honest response to this treatment just silent seething.

However Dh(47) is building a scale model of Ewloe Castle in Lego, and had bricks for christmas from me. And a novelty potted history from Dsis (he has shelves full of history books...)

I think both the gift and the response was fine, better to know and for the family to be open and honest.

BackforGood · 02/01/2017 23:35

Anyone else seeing a theme.......

OP thinks she knows better than her nephew what he would actually like
Nephew doesn't say anything, as he's polite, so
Op decides she will specifically ask her brother if her choice of present was good - not really wanting to know, just looking for some praise and appreciation, but doesn't get the answer she wants, so
OP then asks on AIBU hoping we'll all notice how rude her brother has been, yet vast majority see the brother's (nephew's ) side.........

Willow2016 · 03/01/2017 00:17

"Well people obviously try to get something the receiver will appreciate - as the op has. There was no malice intended so why be nasty?
If the db just wants to buy the op something for £40 from a list and the op then buys the dn something off a list for £40 why bother exchanging gifts at all? Just buy it yourself!"

No she didnt. She knows SOMEONE who likes lego so decided for herself that her nephew shouldnt get something he really wanted off his list but get him something SHE THOUGH HE SHOULD HAVE INSTEAD. A perfect present for a 16yr old = lego pirate set for 7 yr olds!!!

She really didnt try to get him something he would have appreciated at all. She got him something SOMEONE ELSE would have appreciated.

The list was there so she KNEW what he liked and gave her a choice to buy something he would appreciate_. The gift she gave is all about her.

Badhairday1001 · 03/01/2017 00:29

I don't think he was rude, more that he felt he had to say something to stop you buying unsuitable Lego gifts for years to come.,

38cody · 03/01/2017 00:43

I agree with Dame - Lego for a 16yr old should only ever be given if you know for sure they are into it - otherwise they will see it as a children's toy.

As for his response - I don't think it was that rude considering he's your brother and you did ask! He probably felt he needed to remind you that his son is not a small child anymore.

Upsy1981 · 03/01/2017 07:35

My DH likes lego and is made up that my DD also likes lego! However he is 34 and there were some wilderness years where he didn't play with lego until DD started getting into it. Now he helps her with building it in a nostalgic kind of way but she likes the Lego Friends stuff so its not something he would choose himself.

It sounds to me like there have been a few years of random birthday presents from the OP, hence a list being provided. And now frustration has set in for DB that, in spite of list, OP is still buying random stuff resulting in the rather durect text. I think DN has probably not been in touch to say thank you as, frankly, he didn't know what to say politely. If you ask a direct question, you need to be prepared for any response. I said this before on another thread but giving gifts is about the recipient not about the giver. So many people seem to give gifts to make them feel good.

Don't give him nothing or an amazon voucher next year (unless he asks for that). Give him something from the list!

Original poster
Hellsbells35 · 03/01/2017 21:09

Thanks for your replies. I wasn't chasing a thank you, I had spoken to my brother earlier that day and just messaged to see if dn had enjoyed gift thinking it would be a resounding yes! I had been excited to hear. It was a bit of a shock to find the answer was no because other family members thought it would be a good gift too. We really thought he would like it as other adults had recommended it.

I hadn't read any gift lists as I hadn't requested any. But they write them for others. I feel it takes away the thought of looking for something someone might like. However I obviously got it totally wrong. So to avoid offence on either side I think I will suggest we don't gift anymore. It's embarrassing to think I got it so wrong - but it's weird to be upset for buying someone an 'unimpressive' present. Especially as an Aunt and not a parent.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 03/01/2017 21:11

"I won't use a list as it doesn't evolve thought and effort,so i just won't send anything".

Suuuure.

Soubriquet · 03/01/2017 21:13

Now you are coming across as a matyr

You're horrible embarrassed you got it wrong, so instead of thinking like a sensible person would and look at the list, you're going to refuse to do anything at all

Mynestisfullofempty · 03/01/2017 21:19

What a nasty response, OP. Yours I mean. To decide you will no longer send any gifts.
Have you still got the receipt for the Lego Pirate Chess Set?

raindripsonruses · 03/01/2017 21:20

I know a few adults who love lego- Star Wars sets and the like. To be honest, it sounds like an imaginative idea for a chess set but the stuff on the list may have given you enough hints that it would fall on stony ground. And yes, he was rude.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 03/01/2017 21:24

So to avoid offence on either side I think I will suggest we don't gift anymore.

If you wanted to avoid causing "offence", you'd ask for that list.

I think your intended course of action is far more likely to cause a cooling than buying a present from a list.

Willow2016 · 03/01/2017 21:24

Your 'thought and effort' didnt go into finding out what he would actually like though did it. It went into finding out what someone else would like and your angry that he doesnt appreciate the grand gesture you made.

Next time ask. Much better to put less 'thought' into it by getting him something he will actually use.

You still seem to be all about you, not that you bought a toy for a 7yr old for your 16yr old nephew. If he likes chess why not get him a proper chess set not a flipping toy pirate one? Which 16yr old still plays pirates?

Dont take it out on him, he has done nothing wrong, you got it wrong. Next year get something he really wants or give money or a gift token.

Starlight2345 · 03/01/2017 21:28

Throwing the toys out the pram sounds appropriate here .

You got it wrong not intentionally.. However you asked a direct questions and got the answer..

ILoveDolly · 03/01/2017 21:31

Problem is, they are list people. Some people are surprise people, some are list people. Don't expect any thanks from list people because they have entitlement issues which is why they send the list in the first place. Surprise people are usually glad for anything and pleased you made the effort. It's a personality thing.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 03/01/2017 21:32

You are changing the story to suit yourself now Hells
You originally said you were given a list - now you say you saw no such list.
You are saying others thought the present was a good idea - the person you bought it for was a middle-aged man. He liked it so your 16yr old nephew should? You clearly didn't ask any of you DBS family - why didn't you ask your brother?

You chose a lego gift which is marketed at 7yr olds! And you are now huffy and pissed off that it wasn't appreciated. What a churlish response - to stop any gift giving. This clearly isn't the first time you have got things wrong and my guess is you resist any help or hints which does smack of an arrogance and selfishness. Your nephew wasn't rude about the present. Your brother was blunt but it sounded like you needed it.

I don't buy stuff for my nieces that I will decide they like even though THEY HAVE NEVER SHOWN AN INTEREST IN THEM because that would be ridiculous. If I am going slightly unusual I would ask my sister or one of the nieces for their opinion. No if I am unsure I get a gift receipt because my ego isn't so fragile that I can't admit I might get it wrong.

He is 16yrs old. He has never been into lego. You bought a lego set for a 7yr old.
Do you not get it????

Original poster
Hellsbells35 · 03/01/2017 21:32

The honesty on here is amazing. You're right. I have been angry about it but should just suck it up and use a list from now on. No point with a family rift over a gift.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 03/01/2017 21:33

Can you really not see how someone would be dissapointed with an expensive present they have no desire for when you could have simply asked what he wanted and made him happy? Why are you stubborn and determined they are wrong?

Blu · 03/01/2017 21:34

"Don't expect any thanks from list people because they have entitlement issues which is why they send the list in the first place. "

LOL, I beg my siblings for lists for the Dns, and they beg me for lists for Dc. Nothing to do with entitlement, everything to do with needing ideas.

dontbesillyhenry · 03/01/2017 21:37

I'd be more upset that I'd spent money on something that wasn't appreciated than having someone give me some ideas what they want for a gift. A gift is meant to be for the benefit of the recipient not to make the giver feel good- see charity goats thread

BackforGood · 03/01/2017 21:40

The honesty on here is amazing

Yup. Thats why people ask anonymous strangers on the internet - they will get honest answer. People close to you will so often skirt around things if they know you are going to get upset.

Glad you have finally got it.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 03/01/2017 21:42

Why would you not buy from a list. Saves faffing around trying to think of what to buy someone. Buy from the list, everyone happy. Job done.

FannyCradock · 03/01/2017 21:42

I give all my neices and nephews aged 10+ money, much easier Wink

EweAreHere · 03/01/2017 21:42

I'm glad you're reconsidering, OP. It would be incredibly churlish and petty to not buy gifts for your nephew because your brother told you in a way you didn't like that it wasn't really him.