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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find the following reply about a Christmas present rude?

564 replies

Hellsbells35 · 02/01/2017 09:30

I sent a text to my brother asking if my nephew liked the Christmas present we gave him, and was shocked to receive the following:

"He wasn't impressed I'm afraid. Never really got into Lego as a kid, and now he is 16. Sorry."

I know I asked the question, but I really wasn't expecting that reply and find it quite hurtful as I had paid £40 on the gift. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Tempted to say let's not do presents anymore.

Basically they give you a list of presents they want and if you go off list and try and be thoughtful or imaginative you get it thrown back in your face.

OP posts:
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5
SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges · 02/01/2017 15:47

bumsex Presumably people ask questions because they want an honest answer.

If I asked a question like this, I would only be asking because I wanted to know the answer. Otherwise I wouldn't waste my time asking and the answer would be meaningless if it weren't the truth.

Barbafamiily · 02/01/2017 15:50

To the pp who said that lists take the fun out of giving, surely the fun in giving is giving a present the receiver loves and knowing you made the receiver happy? Anything else is just making it about you and what you like and I would have thought that is the last thing present giving is about.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 02/01/2017 15:51

I well remember the Xmas I was 22 when an aunty gave me a teddy bear. Angry

The lego box even features a photo of very young looking kids on the front, for buyers who are in any doubt!

I wonder if the 16 yo nephew sulked at his parents the way I did on opening teddy. Grin

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:52

Well people obviously try to get something the receiver will appreciate - as the op has. There was no malice intended so why be nasty?
If the db just wants to buy the op something for £40 from a list and the op then buys the dn something off a list for £40 why bother exchanging gifts at all? Just buy it yourself!

midcenturymodern · 02/01/2017 15:52

Since when is responding to a direct question from a sibling not a time for honesty?

I also don't tell my siblings I'm fine if I'm not. Maybe I'm odd.

FrancisCrawford · 02/01/2017 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simonneilsbeard · 02/01/2017 15:55

There's now a thread about this thread.
I feel a bit bad for the op actually ..it was bit of a gift fail but who hasn't been guilty of that.
Hope you can laugh it off op :)

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:55

Well since the op was so off the mark with the present I'm taking it they aren't a close family - though happy to be told I'm wrong.
I probably would tell my sibling if I was having a crap day. I wouldn't tell them a well intentioned gift was crap though. My point was that sometimes people ask questions and they aren't looking for an honest answer - as has been the case here.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:57

Also if it's still in it's box why not sell it if they don't want to charity shop it? He'd probably get near full price for it.

lljkk · 02/01/2017 15:59

"Presumably people ask questions because they want an honest answer. "

Not the English, I find!! Prefer Lies all the way.

What a waste of £40 if he didn't even like it, though.

Katy07 · 02/01/2017 16:06

I'm interested when OP sent her text? Was it actually partly intended as a 'you've not had the basic manners to acknowledge your gift so I'm asking' text because if so then I'd see it as even more of meriting a polite 'thanks for my present' (albeit through gritted teeth and with rolled eyes) than if OP was genuinely asking if it was appreciated.

melj1213 · 02/01/2017 16:10

Well people obviously try to get something the receiver will appreciate - as the op has. There was no malice intended so why be nasty?

But the OP hasn't got something her nephew will appreciate! Why risk wasting money on something unwanted when you know what they do want and will definitely appreciate

The nephew would have appreciated any number of things that were on the wishlish the OP was given by her brother ... and whilst it was not intended maliciously, her decision to buy something off that list meant that it was a bad choice and wasted money.

Also, it was not the nephew who sent this message, it was the nephew's father. The nephew might have been happy to just suck it up say thank you and shove it in a cupboard never to be seen again, but perhaps his father wasn't. Perhaps his thought was he wanted to save his son from getting presents he won't use/are inappropriate and his sister from wasting any more money on unwanted presents (as £40 is a lot of money to just rip up, which is what has ben done by buying an unsuitable present that his son is supposed to just suck up and keep), especially when his sister actually asked for an opinion of her nephew's gift and he was handed a perfect opportunity to say "Sorry but he doesn't actually like it ... he's really not a fan of Lego"

Perhaps the OP's brother could have started of by thanking the OP, as I think it would have tempered the message to say "Thanks for buying DS a present, but I thought I'd let you know that he has never actually played with Lego and he's not a fan, so I'm really sorry but he actually didn't like it that much." rather than just launching into "He didn't like it". The OP was the one who solicited an opinion though, and it's not unreasonable for her brother to feel like he could be honest and give a negative one since it was the truth.

joystir59 · 02/01/2017 16:11

I would think buying Lego for a sixteen year old would be done as an insult- you would have to be completely out of touch with him to buy such a childish gift

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 02/01/2017 16:18

I am wondering if the slight rudeness of the text might have been prompted by this being a continuing problem rather than a one off. I certainly couldn't summon enthusiasm on my kids behalf for the random bargains my sister sent my kids after a while. Empty used biscuit tin anyone?

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 16:18

She got him something she thought he would like though. It wasn't a nasty gift like some posts on here where MILs buy the DIL vaginal deoderant or something! She just got it wrong that's all.
If the db just wants to exchange instructions on what to buy rather than choose gifts they would all be better just buying for themselves and saving on wrapping paper/postage.

KingLooieCatz · 02/01/2017 16:22

Typically, there is no need to "issue a list". You prep the list way in advance, keeping in mind that some gift givers enjoy having some flexibility and shopping around (DM&DD) and some really would prefer a link to Amazon for the specific product (DMIL). Busy people with children of similar age are likely to go along with whatever's easiest for both parties (DB and I will go straight to one another's Amazon wish list, possibly without discussion, and may chide one another for allowing it run low). Mid November, you start ringing round asking people what they and their family would like. Typically, they will then ask you if you have any ideas what you and your family would like. You can then volunteer suggestions. Sometimes DM & DD will straight out tell me they don't want suggestions and will do their own thing. Fine. They know DS pretty well.

You only resort to "issuing a list" when a thick-skinned gift giver can be relied upon to give an inappropriate gift, wasting their money in the process.

DB got a bit listy with DD&DM because his 2 DD's got gifts the values of which were different enough for even a 4 and 6 year old to notice. Not so much monetary, think along the lines of one got a Barbie horse and the other new wellies. The kid with the wellies was a bit Hmm. DD&DM have sharpened up a little.

As an aside DS got told off by me one year for failing to disguise his disappointment at getting a shirt from an aunt in front of the aunt! She laughed it off and has smashed it out the park present wise every year since. Not big pennies stuff but silly things that DS loved. Think fake dog poo.

LagunaBubbles · 02/01/2017 16:23

Verybitchy
The lego box even features a photo of very young looking kids on the front, for buyers who are in any doubt!

No it doesnt, google Lego chess pirate set and see for yourself - the poster has photoshopped the kids faces on to it!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/01/2017 16:30

YABVU to buy a 16yo boy Lego when you don't know if he's particularly a Lego fan. Especially when there was a list you could've stuck too.

If he carries a teddy around he's probably self conscious about being childish and you've probably made it worse by giving a kid's toy.

I'd rather someone bought my child a £2 gift with a lot of thought gone into it than a £40 gift that says "well he's a weirdo and weirdos like this kind of stuff"

neveradullmoment99 · 02/01/2017 16:30

The teenage years are awkward. Unless you KNOW that someone is into something like Lego, most people of that age group will perceive it as a patronising toy. Yes many adults like Lego, but they'll have specific interests in what they collect.
Exactly the point i was trying to make.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/01/2017 16:31

I also love gift lists, as long as they're in a reasonable price range. I'd rather have a list and get something I know a child would love than second guess and get them something they'll never touch

WeAllHaveWings · 02/01/2017 16:31

Lego seems inappropriate for a 16 year old unless asked for.

You asked your db if your dn liked it he said no it wasn't his thing and apologised with a sorry. He never said it's shite and you must replace it. Would you rather he lied to you? What should he have said?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/01/2017 16:32

I also don't think the text was rude. You asked a question which would have one of two answers, you can't be annoyed when it's not the answer you want.

If you've kept the receipt get a refund and send him a gift card!

MakeItStopNeville · 02/01/2017 16:33

Personally, I think it's occasionally ok to call someone out on their gifts. Giving a non Lego loving 16yo nephew a lego set does kind of say, "I'm not that interested in you and don't really care what you think". Having received a slew of terrible gifts for my kids over the years from a close family member, we now go down the laughing at them route but it originally came as quite a shock that they cared so little about my children's feelings.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 02/01/2017 16:35

This has probably been said a thousand different ways, but giving Lego to a 16yr old, unless you absolutely know that it is his thing, (and that he hasn't already got the set) is downright odd. A little bit of research is necessary, if you want to spend that much, and go 'off piste' for a present! Ask his parents, if you have something out of the ordinary in mind.

The reason most parents stick slavishly to a list, and other relatives tend to give vouchers, is that most teenagers have very particular tastes which rarely extend to encompass well-meaning relatives' bright ideas for an off-the-wall gift Smile

Your brother could have found a more diplomatic way of saying it, maybe, but at the end of the day, he's trying to stop you chucking away £40 on something his son doesn't want.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/01/2017 16:44

I agree MakeIt, FIL and StepMIL go to one of those factory sales nearby where they buy an assortment of random crap for about £3 a piece. They buy the cheapest stuff and allocate the goods when they get home. The kids get 3-4 things each. I don't care that they don't spend 'lots' (they are well off BTW) but there's no thought gone into it, they do it purely because it's cheap. I don't say anything but SIL has in the past after her 15yo DD got a headscarf and (hideous) matching purse one year. If they only want to spend £9 a child that's fine but FFS go to Toys R Us/New Look and spend it on something they want, there's such a good selection.

First world problem I know and probably tremendously ungrateful but it's the lack of thought that really irritates me when it comes to the children. They aren't stupid kids, they know grandad and grandma has done it to save money and no other reason

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