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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find the following reply about a Christmas present rude?

564 replies

Hellsbells35 · 02/01/2017 09:30

I sent a text to my brother asking if my nephew liked the Christmas present we gave him, and was shocked to receive the following:

"He wasn't impressed I'm afraid. Never really got into Lego as a kid, and now he is 16. Sorry."

I know I asked the question, but I really wasn't expecting that reply and find it quite hurtful as I had paid £40 on the gift. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Tempted to say let's not do presents anymore.

Basically they give you a list of presents they want and if you go off list and try and be thoughtful or imaginative you get it thrown back in your face.

OP posts:
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melj1213 · 02/01/2017 15:10

As with everyone else, I think you were BVU. You asked for an opinion and got it. Don't ask an open question if you only want a specific answer.

Your nephew had a list of things he really wanted for Christmas ... why would you disregard that? It's like saying to a dinner party host "Do you need me to bring anything?", being asked to bring some red wine, then showing up with bottles of beer, because they obviously like to drink so why not go and buy some beer that you think they'll like instead of what they asked for? If your nephew's list was full of expensive things then you would not be U to go off list if your budget was tight, but if you had £40 to spend, why not either get him something from the list, £40 in vouchers "to put towards the X I know you really want" or a combination of a small off list gift and then a contribution in cash/vouchers towards a big ticket item he wants?

I am 25 and a huge Harry Potter fan, and have been since age 12 when I read the first book and have a lot of HP merchandise - I have framed posters, movie prints, calenders, ornaments, books etc all over my house (I even have HP baubles on my tree and I'm quite sad I have to put them away till next year) ... I hate Lego, I was never interested in it and would never play with it. If you bought me a Harry Potter lego set, I'd probably thank you and then put it away in a cupboard bnever to be seen again, because it's not something I like.

My parents have never understood my HP addiction (they don't really understand the concept of fandom) but this year they bought me a 1000 piece Harry Potter jigsaw puzzle and I love it ... but it wasn't my main present. Since I was about 18 my parents have always been very open with the fact that buying for me is hard, esp as I could never think of things I wanted when asked, and so we basically developed a tradition that they would give me money or Amazon vouchers that I could use to buy my own gifts (which was esp useful when I lived abroad, so I didn't have to worry abut packing things) and then they would supplement the card of money with a few little presents so I had "somthing to open" on Christmas morning.

Every year in addition to the money, I get a selection box, something to wear (this year it was a nice top), some toiletries (this year a bottle of my favourite DKNY NY perfume) and then some token fandom item like a book/CD/DVD/game from one of my fandoms (This year my HP puzzle but in the past it's been a football trivia game, the Les Mis 25th anniversary concert DVD etc).

If my parents decided this year that instead of that implied list they would buy me a big HP Lego set, I'd be disappointed because they would have wasted a lot of their hard earned money on something that wouldn't be used and I'd want to be honest and tell them that so that they could either get their money back or let me exchange it for something I would use. In addition to that, I'd want to let them know mostly so that they knew it was off the mark and didn't buy similar things in the future and waste even more money, because they thought it went down really well and stuck with the theme for the following gifting occasion.

Plifner · 02/01/2017 15:10

If this is real it's a terrible present, thoughtless and a bit insulting.

Meeep · 02/01/2017 15:12

I don't think it's that rude a text.
Can't you be honest with your siblings without worrying about getting the tone exactly right? He was just telling the truth!

LockedOutOfMN · 02/01/2017 15:14

This must be a joke.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:18

No excuse for the text. My autistic infant school child has managed to grasp that you say thank you for a present even if you don't like it or have already got it. Then you discreetly think of someone else who would like it or take it to the charity shop.

1horatio · 02/01/2017 15:19

Wait.....

That's what you have a 16 yo? Unless you know he wants this you don't give him something like that. That isn't marketed at adults at all (according to google). Why do you think that's marketed at adults?

AIBU to find the following reply about a Christmas present rude?
midcenturymodern · 02/01/2017 15:24

I think he was as polite as he could be given you had backed him into a corner. If you didn't want to know the answer you shouldn't have asked the question.

Every year my mother asks me for very specific requests for Christmas. She tells me how busy and tired she is so can I tell her what to get so she doesn't have to 'trail the shops'. She does have a lot of people to buy for so it should be win-win, except she never gets me what I've asked for because she knows better. Why have a £40 jumper you want when you can have more gifts by getting a £20 jumper you don't want and £20 of random shit? It's not thoughtful, it's an expensive way of telling me my opinion is worthless.

As a teenager this is particularly disappointing as you rarely have the resources to buy the things you want on your own. To get a £40 novelty gift aimed at a child instead of something you want is disappointing. It doesn't make you grabby or rude or a little shit, it makes you a normal human being.

dowhatnow · 02/01/2017 15:27

No matter how much thought you put into a gift, it's impossible to get it right all the time.
I value money too much to waste it on things people are not 100% happy with, unless they are token surprises which I don't mind being binned or charity shopped. Anything of value is either from a list, I give a gift receipt or I tell them I'll exchange it for them if they want.

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 15:28

could get him something more age appropriate.....sex drugs something along those lines maybe?

SparklyMagpie · 02/01/2017 15:29

1horatio I can't stop laughing even more now after seeing the picture of the box Grin

I can imagine 16 year olds face unwrapping that haha.

OP I'd honestly take it on the chin, send back a nice jokey message and offer to take it back and give him the money so he can buy something off his list

Atleast you know for next year Grin

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:31

Well unless I live on a different planet to other people - the 'normal' response is thank you. I've have never known anyone receive a gift in real life and say they are unimpressed with it to the giver. Whether it's unsuitable, a novelty gift a duplicate or otherwise. Most people have manners.

SparklyMagpie · 02/01/2017 15:32

Just realised when I clicked on the image that's not the actual image on the box Grin but still

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:32

And there are plenty of teens who would find that funny and build and play with it.

BackforGood · 02/01/2017 15:33

Of course YABU.
You bought a 16 yr old a really unsuitable present, despite the fact there was a wish list you could have cbosen from if you didnt think it was all about you and then you specifically asked his dad if he liked it.
Makes sense for your brother to be honest, so you don't waste your money again next time - be that birthday or Christmas. Yes, when you open a present you are polite and smile and thank the giver, but it the giver then specifically asks afterwards if it was just right, thats the ti e to be honest, or nephew gets years of lack of things he wants and you get years of wasting your money.

midcenturymodern · 02/01/2017 15:35

People must have some very fucked up relationships with their siblings if they can't stomach an honest answer to a direct question. It's not like the nephew phoned his aunt on Christmas Day and said 'What the fuck is this shit?'

It's one thing to be polite to aunts and grandparents and neighbours and your secret santa at work but you can tell your own sister that your kid has never been into lego when specifically asked.

SockQueen · 02/01/2017 15:35

I don't understand the people saying that text is "exceptionally" rude. A bit blunt, yes, but I'm pretty sure most of us could think of far worse things to say. Also not sure why people are supposed to pretend to love every gift they're ever given, to the extent of lying when directly asked, even if it's already in the charity shop. I'd far rather know if I'd got it wrong (and that Lego set is spectacularly wrong for most 16 year olds) and have a chance to get something better next time, than discover years down the line that a)everything I'd given had been chucked out/charity shopped or b)I'd been upsetting them by my poor choices.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:37

Well if it was hated I wouldn't gush about about it. I might say he's not really got round to building it yet as he's been so busy with XYZ (good chance to shoe horn things in he actually does like for future reference) and change the subject.
Saying he wasn't impressed is awful manners! And I suspect the majority of people defending it wouldn't say it in real life.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/01/2017 15:37

bumsex

But the OP texted asking if the nephew liked the present. It was a specific question to which, one would imagine, the OP wanted an honest answer.

How would you have replied to the question, "did you like the present?" if the present in question was something you didn't like? Would a lie have been better?

Cagliostro · 02/01/2017 15:37

I think there can be a lot of misconceptions about 'nerd' or 'geek'. It's not one size fits all. I am proudly geeky as are my DH and my friends and my DCs. All into different stuff though.

People often assume that as I'm mega nerdy I must know all about comic books and hobbits and such. Not so, I'm not remotely interested in them. Or they might think that because I'm OBSESSED with board games that I like Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer. Nope. Or they might think that my Marvel-crazy, Potterhead friend would like a Lego set or a maths book for a present, when she wouldn't enjoy either (but I would bite your hand off for either!).

Geek is a massive umbrella and knowing one doesn't mean you know another. :)

SuburbanRhonda · 02/01/2017 15:38

Just seen your reply to someone else, bumsex.

So you'd prefer a lie then.

witsender · 02/01/2017 15:39

I think it's rude. There are far gentler ways of saying the kid doesn't like Lego.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/01/2017 15:41

And what would be the poiny of dropping hints about things he does like, bumsex?

The OP was given an actual list which she totally ignored, so what makes you think she'd buy something that was hinted at?

SuburbanRhonda · 02/01/2017 15:42

There are far gentler ways of saying the kid doesn't like Lego.

Could you give an example that doesn't involve telling a lie?

dowhatnow · 02/01/2017 15:42

Perhaps the gentler ways have been tried in previous years.

bumsexatthebingo · 02/01/2017 15:46

Yes I'd prefer a lie. I would take the question 'did X like their present' as an opportunity to say thank you rather than an opportunity to list what is wrong with it.
Same reason when someone asks 'how are you?' I generally say 'fine' if we're not that close rather than 'awful actually - I didn't sleep a wink last night and the dog's ill and I've still got this cold that's been lingering for weeks and I've just missed the bus'. There is a time for honesty and there is a tie for social convention and manners. Commenting on a gift isn't a time for brutal honesty.
OP I would say it might be better if you don't do gifts. They don't want a gift chosen by you - they want you to go to the shops for them. Much easier if the db just uses the money he saves on your gift and gives it to dn.

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