AIBU to find the following reply about a Christmas present rude?

[Hellsbells35]

I sent a text to my brother asking if my nephew liked the Christmas present we gave him, and was shocked to receive the following:

"He wasn't impressed I'm afraid. Never really got into Lego as a kid, and now he is 16. Sorry."

I know I asked the question, but I really wasn't expecting that reply and find it quite hurtful as I had paid £40 on the gift. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Tempted to say let's not do presents anymore.

Basically they give you a list of presents they want and if you go off list and try and be thoughtful or imaginative you get it thrown back in your face.

I think his reply was honest and not at all rude. £40 is a lot to spend on a present so best that your hard earned money is spent on something that is appreciated.

We love panettone!

OP asked a pointed question and got an honest, not rude, answer back.

It's not generally a good idea to go off piste with presents, when a list is available. I would definitely like to feel I'd got something that the recipient liked, and one person's imaginative gift is another person's OMG wtf? because you do have to know the person well to be "imaginative".

I bought my 16 year old nephew a t-shirt, after checking with my sister in law that it was a make he would wear and what size he was. Other years, I have given a voucher. I like to play it safe and would happily work from a list. I don't understand why you would buy Lego for a young person who has not expressed an interest in Lego. However, I expected the set to be for someone of 14+ or 16+ but was quite surprised that anyone would buy a set aged 7+ for a 16 year old. Personally, I would text back "Sorry, I clearly misjudged this one! Lesson learned - I should have just stuck the list!". Also, can it not just go back to the shop and give him a voucher in its place? Sorry if you've already answered this and I've missed it.

You asked him if he liked his gift and your dh was honest I don't think he's rude he replied to your question. It wasn't as if he messaged you letting the gift was inappropriate which TBH it was.

People shouldn't be annoyed that you bought them something however misguided.

I think it's more that they're annoyed that they told you what they wanted for Christmas and you ignored that wish because you wanted to be quirky.

OP I think your DB was just being honest. It's blunt, but polite. Maybe listen to your DN next year!

I don't really get the issue with lists, nor why people want to risk wasting money (how many smellies sets have been bought this year that will never be used???).

And going off list doesn't have to be a bad thing - my BIL bought DD1 several books that weren't on her list, but - and I think this is the main point of lists - they were by the sane author or same theme as the ones on her list. So not on list, but a high probability she'd like them.

So I might buy a 16yo a Lego set I seen that wasn't on his list if he had other Lego things on his list, but imo Lego is a gift you buy a young child or an adult you know has an interest in it. Not a teenager who has shown no interest in it to you before.

I don't think the brothers response was that rude either. Especially if he knew the op liked Lego. It annoys me when people buy gifts they'd like and then pretend or think they are super thoughtful. It saves years of wasted money on gifts people don't want.

I'm wondering what you got the nephew for Christmas last year. And the year before that. How 'thoughtful' and 'imaginative' were you then? Maybe this year the fact that you asked DB the question outright gave him the opportunity to say something he's been wanting to say for a while.

I think the reply was curt but not rude, and you were unreasonable in that you were clearly only expecting fulsome gratitude as a response.

I dont get the whole idea you should be eternally grateful for something that the giver has given absolutely no thought to.

OP knows some people who like lego there for her dn SHOULD like it too regardless of the fact that she had a list telling her exactly what he likes and there wasnt a bit of lego on it!

I love playing on the xbox but I wouldnt presume someone else my (great ) age would and get them something xbox related. I love reading but I know my tastes arent the same as others so wouldnt enforce a book I would love on someone whom I know would not like it.

I have a relative who is in their late 80s. What they want for Xmas is huge jigsaws, crafty stuff, card making supplies, not hot water bottles or fluffy slippers. They are out more times than I am, do several craft classes a week, go on various trips etc. But someone might just see their age and think 'old' = sensible safe present.

Its not difficult. You buy a gift for someone with the intention of them actually liking it, using it, appreciating it. Not because YOU would like it or you think they SHOULD like it. If you have the information on what they like/want then you use it not disregard it.

I have a friend that buys me expensive toiletries each year which I never use. I do the appreciative noises every time but this has obviously encouraged him to buy them for me every year. I wish I had had the chance to have been honest at some point in the early years but now it's been going on for so long, there is now no way I could tell the truth, even if directly asked. I feel bad as it is wasted money.

A friend or acquaintance, or for low value items, yes little white lies are probably ok, but for close family I would have no hesitation in telling them the truth, especially if asked directly if I like them.

We love panettone!

We have a lot left over Blu. Do you want to do some kind of hostage swap with something I'd like? I don't mind toiletry gift sets, though lots of people on mumsnet hate them.

OP I'm wondering whether you would just like your brother to have been more gentle with his response, or would you have preferred an outright lie?

YABU
I don't think your gift was thoughtful or imaginative - if I was your brother/nephew I would have thought it was a completely random and slightly insulting thing to buy a 16 yr old who is not and never has been into Lego.
I also don't think your brothers reply was rude - you did ask and you are his sister so I don't think a bit of straight talking is inappropriate.
I really would offer to send the receipt so he can exchange it.
Surely the point of gift buying is to make the recipient happy and given he had a list with things he wanted on it this would have been fairly easy for you to do???

Lego is a preference or hobby, some people like it, some people don't. just because you know older people who like Lego, or YOU would like this as a gift doesn't mean that this 16 yo would like it.

You weren't buying for yourself or people you know like Lego. You were buying for a 16 yo whose parents had helpfully provided you with a list...but you got what you would like.

You asked a question. You got your answer. I like your brothers straight forward reply, he has left no confusion or illusions and you'll know Better for the future

Honestly having looked at the set i don't think it was in any way appropriate as a gift for anyone unless they specifically ask for it. It's not the kind of lego you can actually build with so not good for a lego fan, but nor is it an appropriate chess set to actually play with for a chess fan. Add to that the pirate theme it is a very babyish gift to have given a 16 year old teen boy.

At that age they have expensive tastes, even if their parents give pocket money it's not going to stretch anywhere near getting them all the things they actually want, and pay rates for that age, if they can even find a job, is rubbish.
Christmas and birthdays are pretty much a god send to teens, with relatives giving money or asking what they would like, the list is a good idea for that age group. If you didn't want/couldn't afford to buy anything on the list then money is always a welcome gift. If you want a bit more control what they spend it on then a gift voucher, BUT be mindful where the voucher is for. As an example i'm not big in to music or clothes so the iTunes card i got for my 21st i gave to my sister as i wouldn't use it, and i struggled with the £10 NEXT card i got one Christmas as there's nothing in NEXT i would choose to buy normally. Plus their prices are silly expensive, and i didn't want to negate the fact it was a gift by putting money to from my own already stretched pocket to afford something. This Christmas i got a £10 Amazon gift card from the same gifter as the NEXT card, which was a lot easier to spend as there's so much more stuff on Amazon, but if i was completely honest i'd have preferred the £10 in my pocket that i could choose myself to spend in a shop OR put toward something i purchased online, Amazon or elsewhere.

Please don't punish your nephew by going none gifting from now on though, if you would have happily bought him next year if he'd loved this present (or pretended to) then to take it out on him that you got it wrong wouldn't be fair.
I've done the "stay quiet about my disappointment and say thanks" routine every Christmas for the past 15 or so years. My mums family have always done money for birthdays and presents for Christmas, but they never graduated to "adult" presents from what they'd buy me at 12/13ish, despite me now being 27. It all ends up cluttering up the back of a drawer for years because i feel too guilty to bin it but will never use it.
If i were you i'd appreciate the honesty, (text didn't read as rude to me) and offer to return the unopened set and either buy something off the list or give him the money. Even if you only give him £20 its way better than holding on to a £40 lego chess set that's as much use as a paperweight to him. But like i said please, don't "punish" him for not liking it, it isn't that he's ungrateful it really was just a very bad gift choice for him.

My 45 year old work mate gets her husband Lego.. so I don't really see what the problem is with getting a 16 year Lego, other than it's just not to everyone's taste.
That was a very rude message you received though. Even if he didn't like it, a simple "yes, he's enjoying it!" would have been the polite thing to say.
You could just say "oh that's a shame I really thought he would have liked it! Maybe it's time we stopped exchanging gifts then since the kids are all grown up"

Littlemermaid

The problem with the present was

1. DN has NEVER been into lego
2. OP had a list of things that DN DID like and she IGNORED it thinking she knew better (obviously she didnt)
3. The lego set is pretty rubbish, you couldnt actually play chess with it anyway and takes very little effort to build it, its mainly figures. Not much of a challenge for a 7 yr old never mind a 16 yr old.
4. And what 16yr old is still into pirates?

Nope you shouldnt lie when asked if something was fantastic (op obviously thought it was or she wouldnt have asked) you should tell the truth and save the person wasting their money next birthday/xmas on the same unwanted/unsuitable stuff.

I think that is exceptionally rude of your brother. If your nephew is into chess, it's a novel idea and I can definitely see where your thought came from - he probably has regular chess sets and this is a twist on a hobby. I think it's very harsh of pp to say it was a completely thoughtless gift, it clearly wasn't.

Yes, lists are a good idea, but you can't expect everyone to stick to it, people have brains and can think of their own ideas! It's just a shame this idea was rudely received.

But if he doesn't like it, that's fine, but there are nicer ways of saying it! Such as, 'It was a really novel idea and thank you for thinking out of the box, but DN is worried he won't use it and it will be a waste of your money, would you mind if we swapped it for something else?'

I was raised to be polite and if someone gives you a gift you don't bitch that it wasn't off your list or be rude when asked if you liked it. Tact costs nothing, hurting someone's feelings by blatantly saying your son thinks their xmas gift was crap is mean when it could so easily have been said in a kinder way. Personally, I would never say something like that to any of my siblings about their gifts for the kids because it's not necessary, just be kind, it's not hard!

I don't think it's fair that the nephew should never get a present from his aunt again purely because she's got her arse in her hands over the fact she bought him something ridiculous that she should have known he wouldn't like and then he didn't like it. I'm not sure why people are saying that. Lego do do sets that are aimed at older teens and adults. This was not one of them. So not only did she miss the mark with lego, but got him something that would be more suited to someone half his age.

As someone said ages ago, the list is useful where you have teens with specific tastes. It's not about being grabby and saying, "I want..." it's about saying, "look, I really appreciate that you'd like to buy me something. As that is the case, these are the things I like and would buy myself if I had the money. If you got me something from here, that would be awesome."

Even if he didn't like it, a simple "yes, he's enjoying it!" would have been the polite thing to say.

Not if you wanted to avoid being given the stuff you hate for evermore.

Having read the OP and subsequent posts, I am now wondering if previous gifts were not suitable and the DB has tried to be tactful before but is now being blunt as tactful hasn't worked. OP doesn't seem to know much about her DN.

I would imagine that the blunt response was a combination of the nephew and his parents feeling bad that the OP had wasted her money, but also a bit of embarrassment and hurt that she doesn't know him at all.

1. There's no reason to 'punish' your nephew. Your DB is the one that may have been rude.
2. The gift I give somebody is something I want them to be happy about. The easiest way to do that is if you ask or get them something from the list. You didn't do that (fair enough) and it didn't work out.
3. Was his wording a bit brusque? Maybe. That really depends on the relationship between you and DB. But seriously, did you want him to lie? If he had said that your nephew loves the lego pirates. Would you have bought something similar for his birthday and therefore waisted the money?
4. You asked, if you ask people generally assume you want to know the answer.

So, yes, YABU. I understand that you are disappointed. I love giving gifts. But still...

Me, DH and the DC always do the polite thing and say "thank you I love it". This year we have three dressing gowns, two games, five toiletries sets, a set of books, a cuddly toy, a branded shopping bag, a branded hoody, swimming goggles and a DVD all unwanted, wrong size or duplicated.
So the givers are happy and we are left with a cupboard full of stuff to get rid of.

When I give a gift I generally give a gift receipt with it or check with the persons parent or partner that they would like it.

If he gave you a Barbie doll, "because you are different than other 16 yos aunts" would you be flattered? Happy?

And for your information, there are adult women that collect barbies, for some reason. Just like there are adults that like legos.

I'm sorry, OP, but your gift was so awful, if I were your db, I would be a little bit hurt at how little you appeared to understand my ds. The gift screams out that you do not understand your dn at all, but definitely think he is a bit odd and nerdy. Lists of what a quirky child might actually like as a present are extremely useful as a way of avoiding offence on either side! It really does hurt, sometimes, to be confronted and embarrassed by other people's apparent opinions of you or your children. It's a shame, as you obviously hoped he would really love it, or you would not have asked your db.