Going to a really, really expensive hotel for a wedding. AIBU to want to go back to my student days ??

[YouJustWouldntLetItLieWouldYa]

DP says I am.......I'm saying we can't bloody afford it, never mind £7 or so for a drink each on top.

AIBU in wanting to pull my old student trick of gift wrapping boxes of wine (( to sneak then in innocently ))then having my own wine on tap for the night ?? That way we'd only have to buy one drink.

Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact it's a close family member I'd be pulling a sickie. At least this way we can affordably drown our sorrows at all the money on travel and a hotel we've had to spend 😑😑😑

Sounds horrendous. Weddings have changed. Think I'd rather not go.

Can you picture the bride walking into the bathroom and being faced with a "friend" drinking booze from her handbag? "Oh sorry, I thought your wedding was going to be boring, I assumed you wouldn't provide drinks and I didn't want to pay for mine, so I brought my own booze to get hammered to survive your party".

I cringe at pay bars, but that behaviour takes the biscuit in term of being tacky.

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It isnt but sadly even the "classiest" (really?!) couple can have that relative who will always go to far. Or that friend who is usually fine but when they decide to get legless they are not being metaphorical.

When you have worked as many weddings as DH and I have you will see that no matter how much money people have, there is always one person who goes too far.

At my wedding it was my BIL. We knew he would do it so FIL was on watch and as soon as he started misbehaving he was whisked out of there and we only noticed when we were leaving and realised that we hadnt seen him all night. The very drunk person will often be kept out of the way by those in the know. Hotel staff often see what the guests dont and that includes them being bundled upstairs and babysat in case they are sick....which they often are and is fucking lovely to have to clear up.

That would be frowned upon up here in Scotland! Not getting your round in at a wedding is a major faux pas that would be remembered by all for eternity...

Don't think we've ever been part of a round for the whole table at a wedding. Scottish. Been to lots of weddings.

And FYI, calling anyones wedding tacky, naff, etc is the far ruder than them not offering you a free bar.

Oh god, more humourlessness.

I didn't call the wedding tacky, but being wealthy and making guests pay for drinks - that is tacky and there's really no argument about it.

I'm far from snobby - the reason I think it's rude not to pay for alcohol is partly out of consideration of guests who are less well off such as the OP. When guests are buying outfits, gifts, paying for accommodation and travel, it's extraordinary not to pay for their drinks. Indeed to oblige them to pay high prices for them.

Nor do I have a problem with the concept of people smuggling in alcohol in their shoes. I've never come across it before, but I think it's funny. Sure, it's not good manners, but then neither is charging for drinks - and if you do you can't really complain if guests try to keep their costs down.

gloria - it's clear that in your opinion, all guests must have the opportunity to consume alcohol in a self regulated manner. Anything less is rude, in your opinion.

What is your view of hosts who don't provide alcohol for addiction or religious reasons?

And if a couple genuinely can't afford a bar bill as part of their event - would you advise them not to get married (or to elope), rather than share their day with family and friends without alcohol ?

I think thats absolute genius too - can't believe I am in my 40s and have never thought of that ! Definitely do it and don't feel guilty - enjoy 😀

We always do this

We told our guests at our wedding that the bar would be expensive so bring a bottle of what they drink in a gift bag and buy mixers.

I couldn't tell you the last wedding I was at that I didn't do this probably only when I was under 16ish and didn't drink

Take your own wine and have fun OP

This must be another difference between UK weddings and others...so is it usually either fully paid bar, or a cash bar?

Australian weddings generally include all red/white wine, beer and soft drink. This is plenty. Nobody smuggles alcohol in, and very few would buy their own spirits at the bar.

Most weddings with a cash bar still provide some alcohol - I'd say (having looked at a lot) that the sort of "standard" wedding booze package is something on arrival (champagne/Prosecco/Sparkling Vinegar, Orange Juice, occasionally something different like Pimms), 1/2 bottle of wine per head on the tables with the meal, and often an extra glass of something with the speeches and toasts. Obviously this varies a bit, but is probably about average

The pay vs cash bar debate is mostly about drinks in addition to this - particularly drinks for the evening/post dinner part of the wedding.

New Friends of ours got married at Manhattan City Hall and had dumplings after at the golden unicorn. I picked up the tab and it was $180 including tip. In the evening they went to a local bar and the cost including tip was $800. You could very easily do the same thing in the UK by getting married at the registry office and going to a wagamamas or pizza express for lunch followed by a bar in the evening.

"It isnt but sadly even the "classiest" (really?!) couple can have that relative who will always go to far. Or that friend who is usually fine but when they decide to get legless they are not being metaphorical"

They do of course (I have been that friend ) but that friend or relative will do that whether they have a free bar, pay themselves or smuggle it in.

Want2besupermum I have to say I love your throwing in of cheap places as if they're classy purely on the basis of being in NY

(Although I completely agree if you're going budget just run with it, don't try and make it look like a more expensive wedding)

Do it!

$800 bar bill!?!
Some people do live in a different world - it's not uncommon for a couple to invite friends and family to an evening reception which costs less than £350 including food - but of course, they expect guests to buy their own drinks.
Guess they should sacrifice the opportunity to celebrate with the people they love for fear of being judged rude, inhospitable and tight.
Or maybe, they should be a bit more selective about the guests they invite and avoid those who judge them the minute their back in turned.

Charging for alcohol may be considered tacky by some, but I'd rather that than have the kind of shallow values expressed by some of the so called 'friends' on this thread.

NewNN you keep indicating that you're a wedding planner. I can't believe any wedding planner would be so gobsmacked at the idea of a free bar, which ARE fairly common. What kind of weddings do you organise??

Nope- not a wedding planner - wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. Corporate events are so much less hassle!

I do work AT weddings regularly as hired help, (bar, catering etc) and work with venues/service providers who are involved in several weddings a week at the height of the season.

I'm not flabbergasted at the idea of a free bar AT ALL - it's what many couples aspire to.

What I'm astounded at is the degree of entitlement among guests which have been expressed here - weddings without free alcohol are boring, its inhospitable not to provide a free bar, freely available alcohol is just basic manners.

I've come across guests like this, of course, and overheard many a conversation between guests at weddings that make me wonder whether they even LIKE the couple, but the fact that there is such an expectation has shocked me.

Don't think I've ever been to a wedding where it's been a free bar all night. As others have said it's pretty standard to have a couple of glasses of champagne/prosecco for the bit immediately after the ceremony, half a bottle of wine per person on the table and another glass of fizz for the toasts. After that, you buy your own.

It would never occur to me that people would sneak their own into an expensive venue, yes I did it as a 19 year old student but wouldn't dream of it now. Can't believe people think it's acceptable to do so, to be honest.

It's not entitlement. I havent picked up on any of those sentiments being expressed. Of course people comment on hosting and manners, privately. Look at all the threads on here about people who have been poorly hosted- won't make me a veggie meal, took their booze home with them, asked me to bring a bottle.

I notice amongst my F&F that some are really inflexible in their hosting- you must do xyz otherwise it's rude and some understand that times and people change. But I have never met anyone so flabbergasted by discussion about it.

And also- to state the obvious- corporate hospitality (in the traditional sense, not office parties) always includes free booze, so it's clearly a big part of hosting a great event

Really train? You don't think judgement about a wedding being "dripping" with penny pinching because the couple are "tight" demonstrates a level of expectation about what the hosts should be offering based on their salaries?

You don't think that saying that a couple who can't afford the "basic courtesy" of a free bar shouldn't have the temerity to want to share their big day with family and friends is entitled?

In my world, REAL friends don't comment, even privately, about"hosting and manners".

corporate hospitality (in the traditional sense, not office parties) always includes free booze

Not in the sector I work in.

NewNNfor2017

People are making judgement about weddings in general, including their own. I would have found it very rude to charge MY guests at MY wedding.

You are choosing to read the parts that fits your view. People are telling you that a "bring a dish/ bottle" type wedding is fine. A small wedding because the couple is not well off is not the point either.
A wedding in an expensive venue, with fancy invitations and menus, expensive flowers, show off car, "trendy" wedding favours, photo booth, sweet stands and whatever is fashionable at the time BUT a pay bar is tacky.

It's fine not to be able to afford a hotel where you, the host, are picking up the bar tab. Get married somewhere else, within your budget.

Of course people judge in real life. Either you host or you don't.

I have never been to a funeral, where "guests" (for lack of a better word) were charged for food and drink. It's actually really sad, I would be more than happy to help the family in this occasion, I always worry the family will struggle with costs. Having a wake is not really a choice, it's a mark of respect. On the other hand, the number of guests at your wedding is a personal choice. If you can't afford it, then you are being pretentious.

People are telling you that a "bring a dish/ bottle" type wedding is fine. A small wedding because the couple is not well off is not the point either.

I disagree - people have passed judgement about small weddings on the basis that they believe the couple had the means, and so should have spent more than they did.

And I'm sure people do judge others hosting - what I said was that REAL friends don't. I'd rather never host others than offer hospitality to people who are willing to judge my efforts.