To be so angry with DP?

[Rinmybell]

Our 5week old DS was hospitalised this week and ofcourse it was a very sad/scary time. I stayed at the hospital with him - not leaving once.
(Good news) we came home last night and I was so excited too have a New Year's Eve in with the children and DP. The house was in such a state when I came home. But I chose to overlook it and decided I'd sort it today after DS2's hospital appointment.
However literally 10 mins of me walking through the door, I was ambushed with demands requests.
For example, the washing up, clean his work shirts, tidy the living room, etc. It really pissed me off as during all of this I was feeding, especially as due to being so poorly he was mostly syringe fed, so he's getting used to bf again so a lot of readjusting his latch etc.
Then comes bed time and ofcourse DS2 doesn't want to settle in his cradle. No surprises there's he's been cuddled non stop for a week, is still poorly still fitted with 2 canulas, so on.
DP was snappy and moody because in all honesty -I'm ashamed to say- he wanted to dtd and the attention I was showing DS2 was getting in the way of that.
I have woken up today so, so angry. And not sure if I even want to speak to him particularly. How can he be so selfish?
I don't want too 'LTB' but honestly his selfishness and lack of help is next level so maybe my choices are limited.
I can just about cope with the amount of housework and his stroppiness when both children are well
Am I overreacting?!

believe me no one plans for their relationship to go tits up.
I don't think us not being legally wed makes any difference btw.
I love him and he loves me, but unfortunately life's a bitch.

Not so sure he loves you, OP. His definition of love and relationship is a long way from yours.

I have no doubt that you have what it takes to make a relationship work, to love your children, and to be a fully responsible, emotionally healthy adult. Sadly, your P is not operating at your level at all.

Some people here have been very lacking in compassion. OP you are so right to say nobody plans for something like this to happen.

The good part is that you now get to rethink all of your plans and set off on the next part of your life, without this entitled man and his angry baggage to carry on your back.

Please don't overthink this, and stay courageous. Reach out to your family even though they are a good way off, and tell them what you need by way of support.

I can just about cope with the amount of housework and his stroppiness when both children are well...
Your P has shown his true colours before this particular incident. As the saying goes, when people tell you who they are, listen and don't doubt them. Maybe this particular crisis is meant as a loud alarm bell ringing for you, so pay attention.

Good luck OP. You deserve better than this. And your kids deserve a better role model on family life and shared parenting / caring / supporting / housekeeping.

The people that are hung up on whether you are married are not are offside. As are those that question having another child.

But really, really your OH is a piece of work, please PLEASE place more value on yourself that to settle for this

Yeah I hear you martian sorry if I gave that impression, I definitely don't agree with being nasty to the OP, or kicking her while she's down, that came out wrong. Just it's more that people are of course going to say LTB and "why have you had kids with him, he's a pig" etc etc - it's to be expected. The OP deserves so much better than to be treated like this, it can get frustrating to read, I want to reach down through the internet and drag her away from him! I'd love to go round there, clean up the house, make her dinner and rock the baby so she can rest. It's actually incredibly cruel what he's done. I stand by it being unforgivable behaviour.

Well done OP, you managed to get the answer you needed. I hope that you will be able to move back to near family as this would be a great help if they are supportive. It does make a difference if you are not married, perhaps you could make an appointment to see a family law person. I was able to see one for free for initial advice. Lots of love to you, he has acted abysmally

Stay strong. Xxxx

Thank you for the kind words following my last update.
My mum will be thrilled to have us to stay and thankfully DS2's responding really well so will have finished treatment tomorrow.
I had noticed warning signs recently but believe me or not, it was pretty suddenly. We have been very happy for a while but it all started when I broke my leg when I was 5 months pregnant. It was like he didn't like me getting attention, or didn't know how to react to me becoming physically dependent.
I overlooked it at the time but yes this time is very different, and message has been received loud and clear.
Maybe it makes me stupid but I do believe he loves me. He comes from a warped family home and has had to learn a lot of norms over the years.
I don't know what has triggered this episode but I don't think I can help, sadly.
So yes maybe I am stupid and he doesn't love me at all, but thinking that he does love me but doesn't know how to treat people makes it a little easier because thinking I invested and doted so much in somebody and they never loved me back? That's a crap feeling.

gorgeous

My goodness, that would be a treat. My 4 year old is making me salmon and cake for dinner apparently though so will have to pass on this occasion...
It's funny because I've read threads of the same nature before and felt so frustrated and sure I've dished out advice!

I can empathise with you OP. A few years ago I was seriously ill, overnight, and hospitalised. I returned to a chaotic house, and my dp who had been curiously detached about the whole thing. Our dc were very young at the time.

It took me a while to move past this, and gradually I came to see that he couldn't cope when I was not in my usual role. I know that he did love me, and I him, but he too had loads of "issues" that weren't/aren't my job to resolve. That's exactly how I felt, that I couldn't help him. It doesn't invalidate your past with him.

OP, you sound like such a lovely person, you can't do anymore than your best. Unfortunately nobody can predict what will, and will not happen in their relationships, married or not.
Don't think about what ifs, or might have beens, you are doing what is right for you and your children, right now.
You really will be okay, I wish you all the very best.
Your DM, will help to make it all go as well as it can do. 💐

OP you have trained your DC well

It's easy to give advice

It's harder to take it yourself

I'm glad you've recognised that you are worth so much more than this man.

He really is a poor excuse of a man

I had to go to hospital Friday. My Dh stayed home with both children, cleaned the house top to bottom, fed and bedded the children and then when I got home helped to take care of me.

He had a little joke yesterday about nookie because it's our little tradition to have it New Years Eve but it was clear it was a joke and he had no expectations what so ever

Wish you all the luck in the future OP

Rinmy - I was given an excellent piece of advice/information by my first counsellor, after my first long-term relationship broke up. I was busy blaming myself but what he said really stuck with me - what it boiled down to was that the ex "didn't love me ENOUGH". And I'll say the same to you - your partner might think he loves you, he might say he loves you - but he doesn't love you ENOUGH to put your needs ahead of his own. And that's not good enough. :(

Re you not being married - actually yes, it does make a lot of difference legally in terms of break ups - if you were married you'd be entitled to half the marital assets, and this includes the family home (unless you signed a pre-nup which excluded it). As you are not married, you're entitled to precisely nothing bar maintenance for your DC. This isn't "bashing" you - it's not a pro- or anti- marriage statement or stance - it's the legal protection that marriage would have afforded you. It is possible to get the same coverage by going to a solicitor and having a contract drawn up - but it's a hell of a lot easier and cheaper to get married (for future reference).

I'm so sorry he didn't see the light and recognise what a twat he has been - clearly he's quite happy with his twattish behaviour :( - and I hope that you are able to move back to where your family live, to get support and help from them if this is a final break up.

nice new dusters

I couldn't have said it better myself. It really is peculiar and it's exactly that. He can't cope with me not in my normal role. I was 'milking it' all the time so I started to hide the pain I was in.
He's been great in childbirth, but hey, guess he expects me to give birth. He doesn't expect me to slip down the stairs.
Thank you for sharing that with me. That's really helpful to know (although I am sorry you had to experience it) that someone has had this strange behaviour firsthand.

sugarpie
Thank you. That was a lovely response.

Wish I could individually reply to everybody as I am overwhelmed with the positive and helpful responses I have received.
They are really appreciated, more than any of you will realise. X

Sorry that things have turned out this way but something tells me you'll be happier in the long run. All the best.

If you do split up long term do you have to stay in your new area miles from family? If you haven't got a job anyway and even if your 4 year old is at school it's really smooth to change at that age. Yes there will be a lot of travelling with custody but having family support would maybe outweigh it? I want sure if you have bought or are renting so that would make a difference.

OP. That's interesting. My ex was also great during pregnancy and childbirth. Yet when I collapsed on the floor ill he walked in and just looked blank. He asked me what he should do. Erm, ambulance? For a very affectionate person he never came over to comfort me, or hold my hand.

Also, although he was and is a pretty good dad, he found it hard to accept that I might have hard a hard day with a noisy/crying/etc toddler. He was allowed to be upset if things weren't as he hoped/expected, but it seems I, as a mum and female, should take it all in my stride.

Life was very black and white, and if he was forced out of his comfort zone he didn't cope well. Don't know if any of this is familiar to you?

Some people are fine with feelings or weakness as long as they are not your feelings or your weakness. They give themselves permission to experience and express their own feelings, or to experience weakness (or failure) but others are not granted that privilege.

Well put mathanxiety

I would like to let those know who said comments like 'you chose to have a second child with him', and 'you're a fool' that sometimes in life things just aren't that black and white and writing this post was really difficult because I felt embarrassed of his behaviour so to then be bashed on top of that is pretty tough. Maybe consider how you approach things in future

You may not like but it is true. It's not a good thing to have a child with someone who is a shit let alone a second child. The child is stuck with a shitty parent.

Brilliantly put mathanxiety honestly am astounded others understand this strange characteristic.
nicenewdusters that all sounds VERY familiar. God when I think back that should have really been his final warning.
Whilst I was having the bones manipulated in my leg and nearly to the point of howling in pain, he sat on his phone, tutting.
The nurse gave him a scalding look and he left and waited outside. It took me a very long time to get over it.
Poole5 I am not actually sure I wish to engage with you. He was and isn't a shitty parent. You have no idea how much he loves and adores our children. He makes mistakes, yes but they are his boys and he would do anything for them. The demise of our relationship and the issue I am facing with him does not relate to our children at all.

I think a lot of men behave how you allow them to behave. My DH would never behave in this way because I just wouldn't put up with it. He would know my reaction would not be good if I had come home after a hospital stay to a messy home. I would go ballistic. OP doesn't say whether she had a go at him verbally, so maybe she is the sort of person who seethes inwardly without actually setting him straight. Unfortunately there are a lot of menchildren out there who will do what the hell they want if not challenged. Don't think this is a LTB situation, but more a case of OP telling her DH to get his arse into gear and get the housework sorted pronto, and that sex will not be happening until she feels ready. And making sure he knows that she means it!

" My DH would never behave in this way because I just wouldn't put up with it. He would know my reaction would not be good if I had come home after a hospital stay to a messy home. I would go ballistic."

And some men will act like spoilt children whether you 'go ballistic' or 'seethe inwardly'. You can try every approach under the sun and it'll make no difference.

I tried EVERYTHING and my ex still treated me like shit. Because I wasn't the issue. My response wasn't the cause. I wasn't 'allowing' him to do anytime. He was just an abusive cunt, plain and simple.

*anything

I really disagree with that point of view livelove. People should be held accountable for their own actions. You don't get to treat people like shit simply because you can. A good man wouldn't need to be told that asking the mother of his ill newborn - the minute she's got in from hospital - to clean up, iron his shirts and when she's done give him a good shag, is disgustingly selfish. That he behaves like that is a fundamental flaw of HIS personality, not hers. The only one who can change it is him.

The only one who can change it is him

True but many women enable the behaviour by keeping on having babies with these shits