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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with DP?

182 replies

Rinmybell · 01/01/2017 09:27

Our 5week old DS was hospitalised this week and ofcourse it was a very sad/scary time. I stayed at the hospital with him - not leaving once.
(Good news) we came home last night and I was so excited too have a New Year's Eve in with the children and DP. The house was in such a state when I came home. But I chose to overlook it and decided I'd sort it today after DS2's hospital appointment.
However literally 10 mins of me walking through the door, I was ambushed with demands requests.
For example, the washing up, clean his work shirts, tidy the living room, etc. It really pissed me off as during all of this I was feeding, especially as due to being so poorly he was mostly syringe fed, so he's getting used to bf again so a lot of readjusting his latch etc.
Then comes bed time and ofcourse DS2 doesn't want to settle in his cradle. No surprises there's he's been cuddled non stop for a week, is still poorly still fitted with 2 canulas, so on.
DP was snappy and moody because in all honesty -I'm ashamed to say- he wanted to dtd and the attention I was showing DS2 was getting in the way of that.
I have woken up today so, so angry. And not sure if I even want to speak to him particularly. How can he be so selfish?
I don't want too 'LTB' but honestly his selfishness and lack of help is next level so maybe my choices are limited.
I can just about cope with the amount of housework and his stroppiness when both children are well Confused
Am I overreacting?!

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 01/01/2017 10:32

You are your dh are supposed to be a team. In your situation, my dh would have taken care of the house and been at the hospital as much as was humanly possible and supporting me. I'm saying this because, whilst no one is perfect, your 'd'h is completely abnormal. Have it out with him.

Hellofromtheotherside16 · 01/01/2017 10:32

So you were in hospital all week with a sick baby and he wanted sex with you as soon as you came home but you had to see to the baby? Your explanation since is defending him and minimising his awful behaviour.

TheSparrowhawk · 01/01/2017 10:34

It's NOT ok that he didn't wash dishes or his own work shirts. He had one 4 year old to look after!! How many women would fail to wash work shirts or dishes for a week??

Aderyn2016 · 01/01/2017 10:35

A flaw is when someone keeps forgetting to put the lid on the toothpaste or is a bit of a poor timekeeper. This is inherently selfish, immature behaviour. How can he ever be a good dad when all his thoughts are about himself. If my baby was on hospital, it would be the only thing I could think about and I'm struggling to understand how it can not be like that for every parent.

I know you don't want to ltb, but do you honestly want to spend your whole life having to tell him how to behave?

rainbowstardrops · 01/01/2017 10:35

You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you're feeling. You know him and we don't, so if you say he's generally a good guy and he tries to put things right then I think you need to tell him straight.
It'll be a whole different ball game if he then carries on being a dick

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/01/2017 10:40

I thought the recommendation was to abstain from sex for at least 6 weeks post partum? Has that changed?

I think he would have been unreasonable to expect sex under any circumstances 5 weeks after having a baby.

Original poster
Rinmybell · 01/01/2017 10:43

VeryBitchy

Can't tell if you're genuinely asking or not but no, the recommendation is still 6 weeks after the GP check up but it is entirely up to the woman herself.
After DS1 I don't think I was capable of dtd for at least 3 months.

OP posts:
Introvertedbuthappy · 01/01/2017 10:45

Some women on here are far too forgiving. How many of you would say, if a mother had looked after her own 4 year old for a week and done no housework or cleaning but when her partner came in insisted that he did it all and sulked while he was taking care of a poorly newborn would say 'oh well, I'm sure she had a lot on her plate'!

It's not hard to look after a neurotypical 4 year old and keep a vaguely tidy house. Why are the standards for a 'good Dad' so ridiculously low? My DH has taken both our children away on day trips by himself since the youngest was 6 months because he (gasp) wants to. He stays in hospital with DS1 when he's sick and goes to work on no sleep every other night as DS2 doesn't sleep. That is what a parent should do. Not bitch and whine about maintaining a basic standard if care for their own fucking child while their partner is in hospital with a very sick newborn.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 10:46

I suspect OP is now feeling a bit defensive now, after receiving fairly universal replies from MN, expressing horror and disgust at her partner's selfish behaviour.

Hence the well-worn phrase being trotted out that he is actually a good partner/Father and really is loving/caring/whatever.

OP if you genuinely believe this then you really need to raise your standards. I cannot reconcile your statement that he is loving and caring, with your original post about him demanding that you tidy his mess and iron his shirts - despite just having got out of hospital with your poorly baby.

A good partner and Father would have been accepting that the needs of an ill 5 week old baby, absolutely trump having a shag. A good partner and Father would have been doing the housework and the ironing whilst you were away. Or is he someone who thinks that domestic chores and appliances can only be operated by someone with a vagina? In which case, just how 'loving and caring' is he, really?

BakeOffBiscuits · 01/01/2017 10:47

He's a selfish immature idiot.

His baby has been in hospital all week, you have never left his side and the minute you walk in the door, instead of making sure you and your baby are being looked after, he's demanded you start tidying HIS mess and wash HIS shirts?! I thought all that was bad enough and then he's in a huff because HIS baby needs a bit of TLC and he. Any have sex.

No wonder you're angry. He needs to change his personality

Whocansay · 01/01/2017 10:48

I'm amazed that you would want to have sex with a baby that old. After mine, I was still bleeding after 5 weeks, knackered and did not feel remotely sexy! I take my hat off to you!

Blu · 01/01/2017 10:48

You shouldn't have to spell it out for him, no. But he has let you down, it is no wonder you are mightily pissed off.
Discuss it with him. He has also, no doubt, had a hard week, and it sounds as if he is looking to you to rescue him from that. Tell him about your own needs and responsibilities. Tell him if he takes over the breast feeding, you will have more time for the rest, including the sex...but oops, won't be possible as he has a baby clamped to him....

You are all overwrought, and he has reacted selfishly. Remind him you need to get through this as a team.

Topseyt · 01/01/2017 10:48

Did he do a single thing while you were at the hospital with your baby? Or are you his unpaid housekeeper?

Does he think beyond the end of his cock?

I would be seriously pissed off. He would be the on doing the housework, or at least helping to clear away the mess that he had left. I would not hold back on telling him my feelings. He would be left in no doubt.

Blackbird82 · 01/01/2017 10:49

I would have a conversation with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was fucking appalling and give him the chance to rectify it/apologise profusely.

I am in no way trying to side with him but perhaps tiredness/emotion/selfishness has got the better of him on this occasion and whilst what he did was very wrong, based on what you've said about him, I would be inclined to give him the opportunity to explain himself.

However, if he minimises what he did or continues to act like a bastard then you have some serious thinking to do re your relationship.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/01/2017 10:50

Can't tell if you're genuinely asking or not but no, the recommendation is still 6 weeks after the GP check up but it is entirely up to the woman herself.

Yes, I was genuinely asking!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/01/2017 10:53

Is your DH very young OP ?
He obviously does have redeeming qualities, but needs to understand that he is no longer No 1, in the home.
I hope your little baby makes a very good recovery.Close your eyes to the mess, just carry on being a Mummy, you must be stressed out. 💐💐

CoraPirbright · 01/01/2017 10:53

This behaviour is truly truly awful. After I had my first, it was a whole year until I felt equal to having sex. A whole year!! And not once did my dh even broach the subject, never mind going into a sulk when the baby was 5 weeks old and unwell!!

And why the hell couldnt he wash up? And keep the sitting room vaguely tidy? Not expecting miracles here but at least not the shit-tip you returned to!!

Are your parents nearby? Would they have you to stay? If you have a good relationship with them and t wouldn't put added pressure on you, I would be packing up and moving in with them for a couple of weeks so you can concentrate on your baby and not the selfish sex-pest manchild you live with. Or kick him out for a week or two - at least you wont have to put up with his sulks.

Fadingmemory · 01/01/2017 10:53

So, instead of helping and supporting you with your sick child he wants services in all senses of the word? Beggars belief. You are so, so not being unreasonable. He, however, is clearly a master of the lack of reason. Write down a specific list in order of importance and tell him he is behaving like a spoilt, petulant child. Also say that no services of any kind will be delivered by you until he actually begins to take an equal role in the household and the marriage. Damn dinosaurs still roam the earth.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/01/2017 10:56

This is awful behaviour and nowhere near normal. He needs the rocket to end all rockets because if he doesn't sort himself out you will, sooner or later, end up having to LTB. Make sure he knows that

100milesanhour · 01/01/2017 10:57

If my husband attempted to react like that 5 weeks after giving birth, he would have been packed off to his mums for the night and got a bollocking as he was leaving.

LastLeaf · 01/01/2017 10:58

Missed the bit about you ironing his shirts. No man is that thoughtless surely?

Beebeeeight · 01/01/2017 10:59

Ltb

Ok if you really can't ltb leave without leaving iyswim.

No more shirt ironing
No more doing his laundry
No cooking for him.
No doing his dishes.
No small talk and pretending it's all ok.
No sex.

If you think he can change give him a set time limit, after which start making leaving plans- look into housing/money.

ThePeoplesChamp · 01/01/2017 11:01

He sounds like a pushy kid behind a school disco. Awful, your emotions have been all over and he's pestering for sex like a teenage boy and using bratty behaviour to guilt you?

I'm nearly 30 weeks and was hospitalised recently, Husband kept all the plates spinning, house was tidy, dogs and horses all well cared for and you know what he wouldnt THINK to go in a mood because I dont fancy getting freaky-deaky right now. And is he perfect? am I a smug married? abso-fucking-loutely-not...... thats just how decent normal adults care for each other.

OP - I've not actually said this on here. but I really hope you do LTB.

Honeybee79 · 01/01/2017 11:05

Reading this has made me so angry on your behalf op.

His behaviour is atrocious and in excusable.

I hope your DS is better soon.

WilburIsSomePig · 01/01/2017 11:06

If I were in your situation I would most definitely want to be speaking to him today. I'd be telling him that he behaved like an utter fucking twat and he needs to sort himself out. Focus on you and your DC's.