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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL whispering

79 replies

Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 11:38

My MIL has been staying at ours. I go overboard to make her feel welcome & the kids are on best behaviour.

I have done this for all her visits over the years but I get really upset as everytime I leave a room she 'whispers' to my DH.

I often don't catch what she is saying, and when I ask DH afterwards he says it's about nothing. Travel plans, weather etc. stuff you have no need to whisper over! It's never when I'm in the room, and if I walk in when she is 'midwhisper' she stops abruptly. If I ask, it's all 'you must be hearing things blah blah how funny'.

It makes me feel awful. To my face she is absolutely gushing and hoping that she is a good house guest. So I've nothing to complain about. She is also very childlike and butter wouldn't melt.

To make it worse when we stay at my SIL's (her other sons wife) she does the same to her. Although she doesn't seem to mind doing it in front of me then and often what she says is a bit horrible to my SIL. Cutting remarks, nothing serious but not very nice at all. Her sons just seem to ignore it which I don't like.

When she leaves (gushingly about how wonderful it all was) I feel like shit and wound up enough to barely acknowledge her leaving, I am literally biting my tongue.

AIBU to get so wound up? I nearly cracked this time and I really don't like DH at the mo. I tell him it's upsetting and he looks at me as if I'm nuts and thinks I am making something out of nothing. Am I losing my mind?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 31/12/2016 11:43

How would she/DH react if you said "It's very rude to whisper" every time she does it?

Re what she says about SIL - are you also complicit in this or do you say "That's really not a nice thing to say, I thought you liked her" etc?

She sounds awful Flowers

MotherKat · 31/12/2016 11:43

I know you don't want to hear it, but you have a DH problem.
Once she's gone sit him down and explain that you are absolutely entitled to your feelings, you know what her whispers about SIL are like and you will no longer tolerate her doing it here, and he needs to back you up.
And for goodness sake stand up for your SIL next time, otherwise you'll look like a hypocrite.
(Might be a bit ranty this morning, the twins are playing up and I've got earache)

Footinmouthasusual · 31/12/2016 11:45

Totally agree with both posts.

She sounds a rude manipulative bitch and your dh needs to stand up for you.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 31/12/2016 11:46

Just shout, "I can hear you, you know!" every time.

Bitofacow · 31/12/2016 11:47

Mil whispers, DH ignores her. You ignore her. Problem solved

Or you could have a 'conversation' followed by a row and sulking. Then should I go nc threads? Then what about Facebook threads.

Good God woman this England (probably) just ignore it and pretend it doesn't happen. Problem solved.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2016 11:48

Do what KingJoffrey says.

And don't let her do it to sil without defending her. It makes you as bad as her.

everymummy · 31/12/2016 11:50

Does your DH actually deny this is happening?

First I thought, perhaps immediately ask DH exactly what she was whispering about, i.e. request details of the travel plans/weather or whatever and stand there tapping your foot till he does. If he has the presence of mind to make something up, take it back to MIL and ask her why she was talking about wisteria/cumulus/M40. Then go back to DH and ask him why he lied.

But then I read on about her doing the same to your SIL in your presence and I can't think what you can do about this behaviour which seems to be embedded in the family dynamic your husband grew up with.

I hope you don't have to see her too often. With difficult people like this I always try smothering them with love and compliments while fantasising about burying to their neck in sand and force-feeding them cold liver.

Izzabellasasperella · 31/12/2016 11:50

No don't ignore it. I agree with the posters saying pull her up on it and defend your Sil.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2016 11:53

Next time just turn back and say "ooh why are you whispering, can I join in". And yes she's doing it to undermine you . It's nasty. If your hubby won't deal with it, then you do, eveytimes she does it just repeat why are you whispering. If she says something nasty about your sister in law, defend her.

FadedRed · 31/12/2016 11:53

Leave your iPad/phone on 'record' when you leave the room. If it turns out that she is insulting you behind your back, then you will have the evidence to confront her and your DH about it, if that is what you want to do. You don't have to say you recorded it, just quote verbatim what was said and ask her to explain herself.

scaryclown · 31/12/2016 11:54

would your dh be up for you going back into the room whisoering something like 'you have a lovely smile' in his ear so he smiles and when leaving with a quick flash of eye contact?

NormaSmuff · 31/12/2016 11:56

how rude.

Original poster
Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 11:56

I am too scared to say it's rude to whisper which is pathetic isn't it? Sad But I feel like I would cause an argument which they would say is all in my head.

I feel I've been complicit with SIL as I've not defended her. Sad If I say out loud that what she said is not nice I'm frightened il cause an almighty row in front of the children.

I have been direct saying 'what was that?' in a stern voice (like a warning I won't tolerate her being nasty about my SIL) but been dismissed with a tinkly laugh and a 'oh nothing to do with you dear'.

I'm going to have another word with my DH now. This can't go on can't it.

ThanksFlowers

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 31/12/2016 11:56

i dont know if op has children but I would say, I tell the children its rude to whisper.

Original poster
Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 11:58

I might say I have it recorded Grin

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/12/2016 11:59

If I say out loud that what she said is not nice I'm frightened il cause an almighty row in front of the children.

Not pleasant and not ideal, but you'd know where you stand.

Your DH needs to put a stop to it alongside you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 31/12/2016 11:59

My MIL whispers to my DH all the time. I might catch the tail end of it when I walk in the room or whatever. I couldn't give a flying whatsit to be honest. What could she be saying about me? I don't think it's anything to do with me...it's just her wanting to have a private chat with her son, who she gave birth to, who she doesn't live with, and doesn't see all that often. Not everything has to include me all the time. She's probably telling him something mega boring that I wouldn't care about anyway.

NormaSmuff · 31/12/2016 12:00

can you say Speak Up, ever so sweetly

Bitofacow · 31/12/2016 12:05

Your DH ignored it.

You get it recorded and front DH up with it. He is upset and forced into a difficult conversation. You produce the recording to mil she is mortified, she cries. Your DH is a decent bloke so he comforts his crying mother. You feel rejected and you cry. DH is stuck in the middle distraught. You phone sil who jumps one way or the other - is she going to thank you for thhis emotional shit storm - I wouldn't.

Relationships are permanently damaged. Children don't see their GPs, your husband now has a strained relationship with his mum, possibly his whole family. Excellent. Job done.

Or you could ignore it they way DH does.

Original poster
Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 12:06

You see that's what I do think sometimes- I don't have to be privy to everything and of course they should have a chat with just them. I positively encourage it, as I do with her spending time with the kids without me.

It's just its so deliberate when I leave a room just to go the loo or whatever. I feel like I'm intruding all the time.

Oh I don't know. Probably just me. Thanks for different perspectives.

OP posts:
AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 31/12/2016 12:07

Your DH is being a coward by allowing this. He needs to step up and challenge her, it's not acceptable that he allows your MIL to do this and then attempt to gaslight you in your own bloody home!

Pagwatch · 31/12/2016 12:07

Castiron

I can completely understand why it's difficult to deal with - it's so much easier to say what you should do on the internet than in real life!
But the problem with worrying about causing an argument in front of the children is that the alternative is modelling that no one stands up to stop someone whispering nasty comments.

You need to get your DH to help you call her on it.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:09

Any chance of leaving your phone nearby on record? That way at least you could confront DH and make it clear he tells his mother he won't listen to her shit, if she is sniping at you.

You would also be aware of what a two faced bitch she is and treat her accordingly.

Of course if it is just the weather, travel etc your mind would be put at rest.

laureywilliams · 31/12/2016 12:10

I've sometimes not said stuff because I didn't want to start an argument in front of the kids. But in future I'm planning to politely but firmly say stuff. The kids need to know how to deal with tricky/rude characters and that they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Oh and you have a dh problem. Its disrespectful, he's complicit.

Original poster
Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 12:11

I definitely don't want a shit storm.

I asked DH what she was whispering about this time. He said 'god no idea' & walked off.

I tell you what though. I will not be whispering to my kids when they grow up & host these things!

OP posts: