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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL whispering

79 replies

Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 11:38

My MIL has been staying at ours. I go overboard to make her feel welcome & the kids are on best behaviour.

I have done this for all her visits over the years but I get really upset as everytime I leave a room she 'whispers' to my DH.

I often don't catch what she is saying, and when I ask DH afterwards he says it's about nothing. Travel plans, weather etc. stuff you have no need to whisper over! It's never when I'm in the room, and if I walk in when she is 'midwhisper' she stops abruptly. If I ask, it's all 'you must be hearing things blah blah how funny'.

It makes me feel awful. To my face she is absolutely gushing and hoping that she is a good house guest. So I've nothing to complain about. She is also very childlike and butter wouldn't melt.

To make it worse when we stay at my SIL's (her other sons wife) she does the same to her. Although she doesn't seem to mind doing it in front of me then and often what she says is a bit horrible to my SIL. Cutting remarks, nothing serious but not very nice at all. Her sons just seem to ignore it which I don't like.

When she leaves (gushingly about how wonderful it all was) I feel like shit and wound up enough to barely acknowledge her leaving, I am literally biting my tongue.

AIBU to get so wound up? I nearly cracked this time and I really don't like DH at the mo. I tell him it's upsetting and he looks at me as if I'm nuts and thinks I am making something out of nothing. Am I losing my mind?

OP posts:

Lynnm63 · 31/12/2016 14:00

I'd probably say loudly 'I'm on my way back in now. Time to stop talking about me.' I'd definitely pull her up on her nasty comments about sil. Loudly enough so sil could hear. I hate this kind of bullshit from your mil, if you don't like me have the balls to say it to my face.

LockedOutOfMN · 31/12/2016 14:02

It's really rude. I would ask her, in front of your husband (and other family members) not to do it in your home.

GloriousRoob · 31/12/2016 14:08

buy her strepsils for her sore throat!

Thistledew · 31/12/2016 14:10

Could you turn it into a massive joke?

"Oh MIL, I've always wondered what you whisper to DH about, and now I've worked it out - you are planning a big surprise party/holiday for me, aren't you!"

Then every time she starts again with the whispering you can 'guess' that they are planning ever more lavish treats- hamming it up as much as your imagination will allow you.

It's a way of calling her out for the whispering without giving her the chance to turn it into a serious row.

And when she starts on SIL, you could say "You are planning a treat for SIL as well? MIL you are so kind".

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/12/2016 14:12

Start whispering to your DH all the time, if she says anything, look confused and say you thought this was the way to communicate. Show her her own ridiculous behaviour, which yes, is very rude. She sounds like a right shit stirrer. She knows what she is doing, with you and your BIL and SIL.

tigermoll · 31/12/2016 14:13

I would scamper over to them, lean in conspiratorially and stage whisper 'WHAT ARE WE WHISPERING ABOUT?' as if I was eager to join in. Every time.

GreekGod · 31/12/2016 14:13

Let it go. My MIL who always does this with DH, let it go and has been doing it since we got married (almost twenty years). Ignore it. It's not important. Your MIL is an insecure drama queen. She is doing it to irritate you as does mine. If you start saying something, its one of those things that can spiral out of control and may cause problems with your husband which is what she would like and what you don't need especially on New Years Eve. Rise above it and ignore it. New Year is almost over, she will be gone soon and then everything will go back to normal.

KurriKurri · 31/12/2016 14:14

I had a similar thing from my MIL years ago. She used to say something nasty (weird remarks like ' you should read your Bible more missy') and then leave the room so no one could answer her. I called heron it and told her it was rude, If she had something to say then she should give me the chance to defend myself, and I was happy to discuss problems but couldn't do that if she wouldn't engage. She threw a lot of tears and wobbly lips, but she stopped it. And we moved past it and actually got on better afterwards I'd have said.

I sometimes think people who have others treading on eggshells round them and allowing their bad behaviour. Like a few boundaries put in place, They know where they stand. My MIL knew I wouldn't put up with it, and she knew she could talk about problems upfront. I muddled along with her for the sake of the kids - who she absolutely adored - and for that I forgave her an awful lot.

So I'd say confront her (not in an aggro way) but politely say you;ve noticed the whispering, you find it rude,and it's making you uncomfortable and could she please tell you what the problem is as you'd like to see if it can be sorted out.

Shockers · 31/12/2016 14:50

I like liletsthepink's suggestion. Cheerfully sing songs about whispering

🎼Whispering MIL, don't tell the (insert your name), cos the (name) don't need to kno-ooow!🎼

RandomMess · 31/12/2016 14:51

So basically MIL is a toxic sh*t stirrer doing her best to ensure she is the one in "the know" and her sons aren't close...

Original poster

Castironfireplace · 31/12/2016 15:10

But that can't be really can it. I'm probably over analysing it & putting separate events together to make it sound like that because she's annoying me with the sodding whispering!

This is why I should let it go isn't it.

And now have careless whisper stuck in my head

OP posts:

ElsieMc · 31/12/2016 15:37

Yes, this is rude and disrespectful to you. Years back, my MIL and her friend would whisper to each other when my DM was in the room with them at family occasions.

I did not defend my mum because my relationship with my MIL was becoming very difficult and I wanted time to think what to do. My mum said it made her sad and they were really rude to her. I look back now and I wish I had had the backbone to tell MIL and her horrible friend to leave if they wanted to undermine and exclude my mum.

Time to stick up for yourself and your DH needs to grow some backbone. He is enabling her behaviour. Sorry you are in this position and remember that it is absolutely not your fault.

Thinkingblonde · 31/12/2016 16:21

My late mother in law did this, whispering. It was a symptom of her paranoia, the early signs of her mental health problems. She thought the policeman who lived next door to them was recording what was going on in the house. Yet she'd have a full on two way conversation with herself in the kitchen in a normal voice. No one else would be in there with her.
I knew as soon as I met her that things weren't right, D.H and his siblings had grown up with it and accepted it as normal yet d.h, remembers her as vivacious and reasonably out going, Father in Law didn't seem bothered by it, he was controlling and it suited him that she relied on him so much.

I'm not saying that this is what is happening in O,P's case but this is how d.h. said it all started off, the whispering to whoever she was talking to then shutting down when anyone came into the room.

teddybeargrylls · 31/12/2016 16:27

OP I'm sorry you're going through this, it can feel like an impossible situation- you don't say anything and she gets to repeatedly wind you up, you do confront and you've played right into her hands - she'll play the wounded party and make a massive deal of it. One person who can stop this without her turning it to her advantage is your DH, he needs to step up and stop enabling her. But without direct confrontation. So... every time she whispers something to him he should then include you by repeating it loudly and clearly ie: 'Darling castironfireplace, mother was just saying it looks like rain, what do you think?' And do this every single time. This takes away her power to exclude you whilst neatly avoiding any falling-out drama as you both can remain cheerfully oblivious to the fact she is whispering. It's not like she can complain as she'd have to then admit what she was doing. If DH can't face doing this then next time you walk in on her doing it say 'Ooh you're having a private chat ok I'll go back out' leave and then return a few minutes later, when she protests she wasn't having a private chat (because it's naturally got to be you whose got it wrong) then cheerfully tell her not to worry about you missing what was said as DH always tells you everything later anyway.** This again takes away her power to exclude you without giving her a chance to create a drama. Both ways also reaffirm your status as a couple which will weaken her attempts to come between you - and watch out for the look of thunder on her face when she realises the games up, it'll be priceless xx

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2016 16:33

Actually I think that's a good idea saying about the private conversation and then walking out.

It's so pathetic. It's the kind of thing 8 year olds do.

teddybeargrylls · 31/12/2016 16:36

Who's not whose, (typing with a 12 week old on my lap) x

colourmylife · 31/12/2016 17:05

This is so horrible. The fact that your MIL could be saying hurtful comments about you and your DH won't tell you the truth about what she is saying is really disrespectful. He should be loyal to you and tell you the truth. I don't think you're crazy at all and tbh if it was me I would refuse to see her. She sounds like a vile witch.

gleam · 31/12/2016 17:15

I'd record her, so I'd know, just for my own sanity.

Matilda - is it possible for you to learn either SIL's language?

Both are bloody rude.

Janey50 · 31/12/2016 17:22

OMG I HATE people whispering. My son-in-law used to do this when my DD and he were first together. I would be sitting in an chair on one side of the living room,he and DD would be sat next to each other on the sofa,and he would lean over and start whispering in her ear. I put up with it for a while,then one day, something in me snapped and I said 'It's rude to whisper in company!' and with that,walked out of the room. He didn't do it again,and the incident was never mentioned!

Pagwatch · 31/12/2016 17:23

I'd want to whisper 'I see dead people' at times just to join in.

happypoobum · 31/12/2016 17:28

Pagwatch I like your style

Pagwatch · 31/12/2016 17:32

Seriously though it would be brilliant if the OPs DH was not an arse about it. The scope for taking the piss is huge.

Laiste · 31/12/2016 17:35

I think i'd start whispering to your DH while she's in the room. Right up close in his ear.

If she looks at you while you do it i'd look straight into her eyes and carry right on. Maybe with a strange smile.

(as for what you whisper - that's up to you. It could be: ''I'm doing this just to let your mum to know how it feels'')

Shockers · 31/12/2016 17:53

Or something that will really widen his eyes

dowhatnow · 31/12/2016 18:01

"I can hear you, you know. It's quite rude to whisper" thrown over your shoulder as you walk out, so it's not confrontational but gets the message across.

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