MIL whispering

[Castironfireplace]

My MIL has been staying at ours. I go overboard to make her feel welcome & the kids are on best behaviour.

I have done this for all her visits over the years but I get really upset as everytime I leave a room she 'whispers' to my DH.

I often don't catch what she is saying, and when I ask DH afterwards he says it's about nothing. Travel plans, weather etc. stuff you have no need to whisper over! It's never when I'm in the room, and if I walk in when she is 'midwhisper' she stops abruptly. If I ask, it's all 'you must be hearing things blah blah how funny'.

It makes me feel awful. To my face she is absolutely gushing and hoping that she is a good house guest. So I've nothing to complain about. She is also very childlike and butter wouldn't melt.

To make it worse when we stay at my SIL's (her other sons wife) she does the same to her. Although she doesn't seem to mind doing it in front of me then and often what she says is a bit horrible to my SIL. Cutting remarks, nothing serious but not very nice at all. Her sons just seem to ignore it which I don't like.

When she leaves (gushingly about how wonderful it all was) I feel like shit and wound up enough to barely acknowledge her leaving, I am literally biting my tongue.

AIBU to get so wound up? I nearly cracked this time and I really don't like DH at the mo. I tell him it's upsetting and he looks at me as if I'm nuts and thinks I am making something out of nothing. Am I losing my mind?

That's really rude, I'd feel upset if my MIL did that. I personally wouldn't be able to ignore it, but I'd be more upset with my DH than MIL to be honest. If she is being rude about you (like with SIL) then why isn't he telling her it's not on? I agree with previous posts suggesting talking to your husband and focusing on how it makes you feel (upset? Hurt?) and what you want him to do in the future. I'd also say something like "that's not very nice when she's made the effort to welcome us all" in a breezy way when she insults SIL. And I would also say stuff like "whispering again?" Or "you could go for a coffee/to the pub if you'd like a private chat you know" again in a breezy way when she does it to you. Or, if you felt able, you could talk to her about it directly and say how it makes you feel (in a calm way rather than a 'starting a row' way). I would guess that her behaviour reflects her own insecurities more than anything about you, and the need to feel included with her sons, it's sad for her really, but unacceptable behaviour. Don't worry about upsetting the kids, I think it would be better to model standing up for yourself and others than staying quiet to keep the peace.

Ask her to repeat herself everytime. Giver her an inch she'll take a mile. Always the same with unkind people - they use normal social boundaries to carry on being unkind. She's counting on you not calling her up on it to carry on with her behaviour. If it causes a row then remember she caused it, not your response.

I don't think you should just be a doormat and allow such rude behaviour towards you in your own home to go unchallenged. If standing up for yourself caused an argument it would be your mil that caused it by her rudeness not you.

Your DH makes me laugh.

He is totally ignoring her. Best way to deal. If he was listening or engaging that is totally different.

Is everyone board so they are encouraging you to have a row to give them something to read?

Who is going to thankyou for this row? Your kids, DH, sil, mil?

Laugh at her. Ignore it.

Ridiculous behaviour but my MiL did something similar. She'd ask questions about me but to my DH even if I was sitting there for example 'does Peach like orange juice?'. I pulled her up on it by saying 'yes she does'

I agree talk to your husband, it's so disrespectful.

I have a work colleague that does this, she whispers (to me) as soon as someone walks away, she'll be talking about absolutely nothing important, in dramatic whispers, attracting the attention of customers and other work colleagues (who must think she's gossiping about them!) I find it so embarrassing.

Defo stand up for your SIL when the opportunity arises. You are right to avoid a full on row about this. But do consider actually talking to her directly about it. If that's just not possible without her creating a scene, then next time you hear her bad mouthing SIL, find a time shortly afterwards to tell her how uncomfortable that made you feel. ILs often need training into good habits...

I've overheard whispers and I've confronted my MIL. It's not nice but you need to know where you stand and so does your MIL.

When she makes a remark next about your SIL, tell her not to say things behinds people's backs. Tell her you don't want her badmouthing your SIL when she isn't there to defend herself.
If she still laughs her tinkly laugh then let her (this is the moment I would also add on that you don't find it a laughing matter) at least you have stood your ground and can hold your head high. Try it out a few times in practice, you'll grow in confidence. It worked for me but I have zero respect for my MIL so that helped me too

Has your SIL noticed it too? Has she mentioned it to you?

It's all about control and she only wins if she knows it's winding you up. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Or at the very most, mutter loudly "oh for goodness sake!" next time you catch her.

It's very difficult. I understand why you're scared to take it forward OP but you just have to. If there is a row in front of the children it will be MIL who causes it because you won't, will you? So, whatever it needs to be.

I would be quite happy (or not happy exactly, but prepared) to say - "I don't know why you're whispering but it's rude and you're making me uncomfortable, please stop. If you have something to say then say it. We're supposed to be family. Would you like it if husband and I were whispering in your presence? No. Didn't think so. Just stop - or leave."

Or, you could just say, "We are not at home to Mr Rude". That's what I quite often say.

When we are with two of my SIL, both different nationalities, whenever there is a decision to be made or similar, they start talking to their families in their native language. All are bilingual. It makes me so uncomfortable that they are probably saying, 'no, Matilda's plans are shit, how can we get out of her cooking/ idea?'

So I get the whispering thing and YANBU. Rude.

If she's making comments about others to you, you can safely bet that' she's making comments about you to others.

Jokey, 'Oi, stop whispering... I've heard what you say when you whisper about SIL!' Then .

Non-confrontational, but gets the message across.

I'd b tempted to record her and then I'd know if she was being critical of me or whether, as your DH says, she is talking about "nothing".
Then you can make an informed decision whether you need confront DH. Don't tell him the recording was deliberate, though or he'll divert attention away from the real issue to one of not trusting him.
Good luck

It's really rude.

Do you get on well with SIL? Has she noticed the whispering?

To start with I thought the whispering could be just talking about something between them. But now you have said about her nasty comments about SIL it's obvious she will also be making mean comments about you. The fact your husband doesn't want to repeat what she has said tells you it's not kind.

Can you just say to her "I don't like whispering in my house. Makes me feel uncomfortable."

When she's whispering about your SIL can you say "I feel really uncomfortable about this whispering" and get up and leave.

If you don't say anything or just ask your DH after the fact then it gives MIL the power to continue.

Have you ever spoken to SIL and discussed a joint approach to it?

Each time she does it start singing 'careless whisper', 'whispering grass', 'happy talk' or some other similar song to yourself (but loud enough for DH to hear you and to drown out the whispering).

Get your DC to play games of Chinese whispers with you every single time she starts whispering.

You could have some real fun with this!

I've not spoken about it with SIL. Mainly because I feel like I'm being a bit crazy but also she lives very nearby to her so I don't want to make her life worse. They are very much involved in each other's lives and I think it would be horrid for me to cause trouble and then leave.

MIL comes with tales which doesn't portray them well. For instance one year SIL bday present from us was late (post delay we live hundreds of miles away) and she told us how they threw it on the floor and refused to open it.

This has lessened now, as DH got very upset one year as MiL basically implied his brother was financially abusive to MIL and had taken over all her money. DH spoke to his brother and all wasn't as it seemed.

DH and his brother don't have a close relationship but there is a relationship there. One was hit growing up and the other not, etc etc so I think that they muddle along quite well considering.

Anyway too much life history but what I'm trying to say is we don't have the best of relationships primarily due to MIL tales and meddling. I'm scared to make that worse.

But then I think we are all a bit fearful of upsetting each other so all info and messages tend to come via MiL who 'guides' us all.

Reading that all back, perhaps the can should remain closed!

I hear you with the fun with it. I love Joff's 'I can hear you you know!' If only I had the balls!

Teach your children that whispering is rude, then watch as they tell her

Does your husband whisper back?

Conduct all conversations in a stage whisper with her.

Oh, she's utterly manipulative, isn't she!

She loves power, from the sound of it, and that includes controlling the relationships around her (all messages go through her, people are seen through her descriptions etc) as well as demonstrating that she has information/importance through her whispering.

Here's the key; she doesn't like you.

You don't have to earn her approval - you're not going to get it. You also can't control her relationship with anyone other than yourself.

Call her out on the mean comments - gently, but firmly. You're not starting WW3, or demonising anyone, just modelling good behaviour for your children. If you see it/hear it, call it out. A simple "please don't whisper MIL, I find it rude" every time she does it, with a bored unconfrontational tone should work.

How would you tell your kids to deal with a petty bully? That's what she's doing, really.

This would drive me mad.

If you can't get DH to ask her not to, i would rope in the children. Anytime she whispers in front if them, I would say 'of course, we know that it is rude to whisper and would never do so'. If they are too to understand, all the better. If anyone says 'why does...' the line is oh, dear, yes, your grandmother is a bit old to remember things nowadays. Make it something she does because she is to old to be nice.