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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
Katy07 · 31/12/2016 12:30

Is it just me that dares to say the OP isn't liked and accepted by the family because she sounds unpleasant and entitled.
You might be the only one prepared to say it but you're not the only one thinking it Grin
DH's family still host ex-wife - so they like her, enjoy her company and she'll always be the mother of the children involved so is effectively still family.
The SIL has a photo up in HER house of DH & EW - well it is her house and if she likes a photo she's perfectly entitled to display it.
SIL hates OP - assuming that it is hate maybe it has something to do with the OP's attitude towards someone that SIL obviously gets on well with. Just because OP has married SIL's brother doesn't mean she has to like OP or give up existing friendships.
They treat EW as a friend and the mother of their nieces / nephews. Maybe they'd treat OP similarly if she wasn't having a fit about something that basically isn't her business?

OnionKnight · 31/12/2016 12:31

How is it controlling to block someone on Facebook? They don't want to see the posts, simples.

And I think it's a bit sad that the sister has chosen to be friends with the ex wife rather than her own brother.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 12:32

olympia what if your family decided that they disagreed with you, and even though you think your ex is an abusive arse, they see a different side of him, and don't see why they should have to drop him, just because you don't like him anymore?

Cos that's what PP are saying - that it's irrelevant how the family member feels, they should just lump it.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:33

Well you know what they say....you can choose your friends but not your family Grin

BIgBagofJelly · 31/12/2016 12:33

I think it's absolutely fine for them to maintain a close relationship with her. Just because your DH and her split doesn't mean she's divorced from the rest of the family. OTOH they are BVU to make you and your DH feel unwelcome. Why can't they see her separately and still welcome his new wife into the family.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:36

new. Frankly I don't care what pp are saying. I care about what op is saying, and she has nowhere in her vitriolic, demanding, entitled rant said the exW is abusive or nasty, just that she as the now 'real' wife should be top of the pile and that the exW should be dropped in her place.

OnionKnight · 31/12/2016 12:38

If you think that the OP is vitriolic or demanding then I don't think you know what those words mean Grin

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:41

Calling the mother of your husbands children a fucking ex wife is pretty vitriolic Grin

Demanding they don't have a photo of exW in SILs house is pretty, er. ....... demanding Grin

Yes, I can speak and understand English Grin

OnionKnight · 31/12/2016 12:43

Where has the OP demanded that they remove the photo of the ex?

As for calling ex the fucking ex wife, that's pretty tame.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 12:44

Why can't they see her separately

I've just realised something. In all of those cases where people like the OPs DH are upset because their family still have a relationship with their ex, how do they know about it ?

It's because the family, and the ex, talk about it or are expected to spend time together.

If the family and the ex continued with their friendship, independent of the former spouse, there wouldn't be a problem, because no one would be hurt.

It's when the family, and/or the ex, insist on making a big deal of it that it's a problem.

We all have social groupings - you wouldn't invite your vegan niece to a dinner party with your DHs Aunt who is doing a butchery course, for instance. If you've got any social sensitivity, you wouldn't tell your vegan niece about the shooting weekend you shared with your brothers on his stag do.

So why do families insist on bringing together these individuals? Why not just accept that those two parts of their family/social life are no longer compatible?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 12:48

new

I guess it depends on the family. My vegan little sister was invited to various shooting weekends and that's just how it is.

I think we all have different expectations.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 12:51

I guess it depends on the family. My vegan little sister was invited to various shooting weekends and that's just how it is.

I very much doubt she'd have incurred the wrath of MN, and told to "like it or lump it" if she posted that she felt hurt by her family for their behaviour, though Hmm

SheldonCRules · 31/12/2016 12:55

And I think it's a bit sad that the sister has chosen to be friends with the ex wife rather than her own brother.

Reverse that and it's just as easy to say it's a bit sad DH is dictating who his adult sister can be friends with.

There's nothing to say he's the perfect brother, whether he facilitates contact between children and relatives etc.

Expecting his family to ditch the ex because he did is childish and controlling. He may have replaced his wife but they don't have to replace anybody that they wish to continue to see.

1horatio · 31/12/2016 12:58

Idk, I can tell her to make a thread about it? ;)

Look, as I mentioned above, I spent the 'big' Christmas party on the 24th with most of my extended family (well, not all of them, that would be hundreds of people, but quite a lot)
And there were some people that I wouldn't mind throwing into a sharks tank... well, I'd probably pull them out as well. So, I guess I'd prefer to let them dangle over the tank. maybe...

Anyhow. What I mean to say is that yes, I'd tell my little sister to suck it up and remind her that she actually loves shooting (she does.)

But I don't know what the rest of mumsnet would say...

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 12:59

sheldon he's not dictating, nor expecting. He's hurt, and unhappy about it and choosing to distance himself from his DSis as a result.

Isn't that just good emotional self care?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 13:00

Oh, my comment was addressed to new, btw. But I think that was probably obvious.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:00

Being the new spouse is a bit like trying to wear somebody's old well worn slippers. They are not an exact fit and are already moulded to someone else's fit. Best thing to do is buy new slippers and mould them to your own feet. Grin

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 13:00

Sorry, been out for the day and am just catching up on replies...

I'm not the OW and never knew DH whilst he was with EW.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 13:01

onion. Why mention the photo if she's not upset with it and wants in not displayed when she is there? She doesn't verbally demand it's taken down but implies it shouldn't be displayed in her presence.

She also demands the family treat her the way they treat the exW.

She's not verbalised it, true, but why post it if that's not how she feels ?

I also wonder what the fucking exW has ever done to her to deserve such a tag?

I notice the OP has not reappeared. I suspect that she doesn't like the fact that (like the DHs family) many people like to take a more reasonable approach to blended families.

Oddbins · 31/12/2016 13:02

I'd imagine that after more than 10 years the dynamic is more that the EW is friend/family in her own right.

How can anyone think it's reasonable to demand that people treat someone they don't get along with as they would a friend of 10+ years?

The OP may have married her DH and she can expect some relationship with his family because of that but no one has to have a friends based relationship with someone they don't like.

Leviticus · 31/12/2016 13:05

If me and DH divorced I'd like to think MIL and I would remain close. We are really good friends, the family tie aside.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:09

Ahhh sorry Lev your mil and family must instantly wipe you out of their lives and never mention your name again in case they upset their son...apparently.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 13:17

raccoon no one has said that - and it's attitudes like that from my own family that made discussing it and reaching a compromise impossible.

If family want to remain friends with an exIL, then it's not unreasonable to expect them to be sensitive to feelings and keep that parts of their life that include the ex-spouses separate. Expecting a family member to tolerate the involvement of their ex-spouse in family events is insensitive.

Similarly, if the exIL is using their relationship with the family to validate their own behaviour at the expense of their ex, the family have to ask themselves where their loyalties lie, and if they are willing to continue a relationship that not only hurts, but damages, their child/sibling.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 13:22

But this family is not your family New and it's clear from the OP that the in laws have been hosting her for years after the split and before OP came on the scene and the DH didn't fall out with them then.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 13:22

I've never demanded that the photo be taken down and I never would, it's SIL's house so she can have what she likes up...DH has asked her to remove it and she said no.

I also asked DH if EW and SIL got on whilst they were married and he said they were never best buddies so it's strange that they seem to have developed this relationship over the last few years.

OP posts:
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