Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 11:28

Whilst the SIL has every right to invite who she wants, that includes her brothers ex wife, she should then accept that her brother and his new wife might not come.

LostSight · 31/12/2016 11:30

That would probably be the best. I simply based my answers on what the OP wrote. But I think there's always a certain amount of interpretation and assumption involved.

Completely true of course. I guess that the way the original post was written inclines me towards feeling the OP might well be the jealous irrational type. However, it may be that the situation is so awful, she has been driven to extremes. Unless it's really clear-cut, I don't like to judge too much. These threads, where people jump to one side or the other and see things in an extreme way always interest me. I find it fascinating and sometimes feel strongly enough to comment.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:33

SIL has very right to invite who she wants, that includes her brothers ex wife, she should then accept that her brother and his new wife might not come.

I don't think the sil or the PIL have a problem with it tbh. I think it's the OP and DH unless I have missed a post where it says the SIl and PIL are moaning because they don't visit?

LostSight · 31/12/2016 11:36

Op situation is not the case, where everybody gets on. SIL does not like op for whatever reason, makes it obvious, no its not just because of a photo

For me, Aeroflotgirl, the reason for the SIL not living the OP is crucial information before it is possible to judge who is unreasonable. If everything was working fine for three years, then the OP appeared on the scene and started to demand the ex was not included, then SIL would be somewat justified in her stance.

And of course, OP can spend Christmas wherever she likes. But she asked if she was unreasonable to be annoyed that she was being treated worse than the ex-wife.

Aderyn2016 · 31/12/2016 11:37

Does the OP want the exw cut out totally? I didn't get that impression, only that the constant presence is a bit much especially when coupled with the ILs total rejection of her and her dh's feelings.

LostSight · 31/12/2016 11:38

*liking, not living...

sleepachu · 31/12/2016 11:40

There is no reason to still have a picture up of your brother and his ex wife on their wedding day. None at all, ever. Everyone here knows it, some people just want to argue the sky is green. If they're such good mates and she's part of the family, replace it with a recent picture of the SIL and the ex.

Oddbins · 31/12/2016 11:44

it's often difficult for a second wife particularly if their are children from the previous marriage.

The OP does sound very bitter and jealous. We have no idea of the background and the rights and wrongs of it.

However the opus in laws have a strong bond with the first wife and that's not going to change. In my experience the ones forcing choices between people in a with me or against me style are the ones that lose out.

They like her they don't have the same feelings for you and trying to get them to drop her and making it a big deal will not endear you to them.

Does your OH not like their relationship because he doesn't like it or because it upsets you and causes discord. If it's the latter then the only one who can change it is you.

Why does it bother you so much? You are not in competition with her.

needsahalo · 31/12/2016 11:54

Really sleepachu? My ex is a total twat and he treated me dreadfully. I did not interpret my mum keeping a photo of our wedding day in a prominent position as her siding with him, even though it made me uncomfortable. Several years later there came an opportunity to discuss it and she told me that my eldest - 4 at the time - had said daddy broke the photo of him and mummy on purpose and had called mummy names. So my mum put aside her feelings, risked upsetting me, and did what she thought was best for my child which was remember the child had done nothing at all to deserve that shit.

I am not sure where any adult gets off telling another adult who they can be friends with or how they should decorate their house. I also think the OP and her husband need to look at their own behaviour - making this about the 'fucking ex wife' speaks volumes. It has sod all to do with the ex - who can accept or decline any invitation as she sees fit - and everything to do with how family relationships are managed .

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 11:55

There is no reason to still have a picture up of your brother and his ex wife on their wedding day

It just states picture in the OP no mention of it being a wedding day photo. Unless i missed a post later on?

Maybe it is a full family photo taken when they were married and includes everyone?

grannytomine · 31/12/2016 11:58

My family continue to see my ex and we were divorced nearly 40 years ago, I think it is awkward but even more awkward that they involve his family. I didn't go to a family wedding as my ex was the best man and his brothers and mother were there as well. I got slagged off for not going but no way was I prepared to spend a day with him and his whole family.

My marriage didn't last long, I found out a week after the wedding that he had a pregnant girlfriend and they had slept in our new flat in our new bed the night before the wedding.

In the end I told my family they could make a choice but if they continued to involve him and his family in all family events then they wouldn't see me again.

Funnily enough he found it as awkward as I did but had pressure from his family to go to things.

grannytomine · 31/12/2016 12:00

I found out about his girlfriend as she contacted me exactly a week after the wedding to ask me for the money for an abortion. Her family then threatened me as I refused to give her any money.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:02

Is it just me that dares to say the OP isn't liked and accepted by the family because she sounds unpleasant and entitled.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to their house

How dare SIL be friends with someone she's known and liked for years. I demand she is dropped for ME!

but why the hell do they host her!

Maybe because she is a nice person and the mother of GCs and niece/nephew?

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families

DH has the right to tell his Sis who she can be friends with, just like me

to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me.

So entitled!

diddl · 31/12/2016 12:04

"Roll on a few years when the PIL need assistance as they are old and frail. Will the ex-DIL be rushing to help them?"

Well, they do have a son & a daughter, so she might not need to.

I can't see a problem with PILs hosting the ex & Gcs at Christmas & NY, but presumably that means that Op & husband never see them that's odd!

I have RTFT, but didn't see if Op had clarified about that.

Apologies if they have.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 12:04

I agree Olympia

Also like how it is the PIL who invite the ex but its is the ex that gets all the venom and blame Fucking ex wife Hmm

GabsAlot · 31/12/2016 12:05

why are people going on like the op has started all this

her dh has fought with his sister about this and they still put up picture of them together-to me thats spiteful

theres no need to invite her for xmas every year and make op feel like shit-yes they can see her but why not before or after xmas

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 12:08

Maybe because they like her. It has been routine for many years ( people are strange when it comes to routines) and maybe they just dont like the OP and want to spend their Christmas with someone they do like.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2016 12:08

Exactly Gabs someone with sense. Anyway if my DH sister really hated me, there is noway that I would want to spend Christmas and New Year with them.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 12:10

gabs equally you coukd say why should they only invite someone they like as the op and fh find acceptable?

Essentially the dh is saying that when he marries someine he exoects his family to have a relationship with them. Even if they dont get on that well. And then if the marriage ends, so must his families relationship with that person. Then when he marries someone else, that person must be slot into space left by the ex.

He doesnt have that right to dictate other peoples relationships

Oddbins · 31/12/2016 12:11

The OP is the only one demanding that people make choices.

Imagine the situation reversed

My ex SIL is one of my best friends and we have a really good relationship. We see her and the kids often and my parents love her too. The problem is with brothers new wife. She can't understand why we won't cut her out of her lives. She is scathing because we have pics of our friend and kids in the house and generally unpleasant to the extent that it's causing rows between my brother and the rest of the family. It's only her that has the problem we've tried but now I think fuck it I'm inviting who I want and having pics of my friends in my house if I want to. New wife should realise it's not about her.

OnionKnight · 31/12/2016 12:19

All of those who are struggling to see what the problem is, imagine if it was your ex husband who was continually invited round by your family and there was a picture of him up in the house etc, I think you'd all be a bit pissed off if that was the case.

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:19

oddbins you must be the OPs SIL Grin

Olympiathequeen · 31/12/2016 12:22

onion

If my exH was an abusive arse (which he was) I would be upset. As it is my family wouldn't touch him with a barge pole

If my ex was a nice guy and we divorced amicably then of course I wouldn't mind. Especially if he helped maintain contact with our children.

LazyDayInBed · 31/12/2016 12:25

Where's the OP gone? Hmm

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 12:27

Not struggling to see the problem at all.

My opinion is the OP and DH are cobtrolling and childish.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread