Fucking ex-wife and PIL

[FedUpBird]

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

when she has her own family

But they are her family! And by the sounds of it have been a supportive family when she needed them.
Your step children have a relationship with their grandparents and auntie because of her not because of their father.

I think it is unhealthy for children to have a shit dad but hey let's just focus on how bad the ex is

Why isn't it healthy? How else are your ILs supposed to see the kids if not through their mother? Their Dad isn't around! Surely it is far healthier for the children to see their extended family be warm and welcoming to their Mum than have her sent away like a nobody because new DIL who doesn't even live in the same country doesn't like it. Your DH should be grateful that his family are staying close to his kids and their resident parent, offering continued friendship and support. It isn't as if he's around enough to do his share, yet he begrudges his family stepping in too.

Sorry, I've read the whole thread but am still confused!
As far as I can work out:
the OP, DH and 2 kids live in one country.
the exW, PIL and 2 other kids live in a different country.
exW takes 2 kids to PIL for Christmas each year,
OP doesn't like this as it means she can't go to PIL for Xmas ( not sure why, surely one doesn't preclude the other)
Does this mean that OP, DH and 2Kids go to a different country for Xmas every year but don't see PIL or SIL? Which seems a bit strange!

Can someone please explain in simple terms, I'm confused!

Why is it not healthy? How else would they see the children if not through mum given dad doesn't see them for months on end. If she doesn't go they lose their grandchildren for most of the year and the kids miss out even more.

OP seems to want everything her own way despite being in a another country.

Your anger is with the wrong person, it should be at your husband not his family for picking up his share of responsibility.

OP, H and their kids live in country A
EW, kids, SIL and PIL live in country B

Every other year dad and OP are supposed to have the kids for Xmas.
Dad has job that requires him to be away for 6 months at a time so can't commit to scheduled contact.

OP- PIL and SIL have remained on good terms with EX because they want a relationship with the kids. How often does Dad return to country B? If kids can only see PIL with Dad in attendance then it's probably not enough to have a meaningful relationship. (once every 6 months) Do you really expect them to choose your h (who is an adult who chooses to work away for as much as 6 months at a time) over kids who don't have a father.

It's clear why the EW might be angry. Paying CM is like paying tax and nothing to crow about.She's doing the hard work most of the year and has you moaning about PIL/SIL being in her life. (Plus the obvious possibility that she's an awesome human worth being friends with.) Your anger is directed at the wrong place. Of course it's crap that a father can swan in once or twice a year for "fun" events like Xmas without the tough bits of parenting.

Have you considered that pil are her support network too. Your dh is forces he's away a lot and now not even in the country. Pil have has to forge a relationship with ew as your dh isn't there to facilitate contact with their grand children.

Did u even ask to attend xmas with ex wife

And don't blame ew for cancelling xmas if your dh never sees the kids. And when you come off tour usually you get a month off - does he fly back to see his kids

With regards to the dentist thing- he's a parent so should have taken them himself.

I think that your h should be thanking PIL/SIL and ex for picking up his slack. As a parent he should be available regularly but they are ensuring that the kids are well looked after including having regular Xmas together.

Thanks, much clearer now!

I was in a similar position when my 2 were young, ex left and moved 5000 miles away to a different country. I kept up a strong relationship with my PIL to ensure that they could maintain their relationship with their grandsons ( they had already "lost" one when my ex SIL ( my ex BIL's ex!) broke off contact and refused to let them see their grand daughter) My ex only came back to this country once a year, if that had been the only time they had seen their grandchildren then ALL would have lost out.

FedUp - you need to take a long hard look at this situation and think about itbfrom the persepctives of all people involved, rather than just your own. You then need to think about what YOU might he able to do to improve the situation.

However, I am sat here thinking that you will he totally unable to do this. At every turn you seem to want to paint yourself as the victim.... 'can't' go to Christmas at the inlaws? Terrible SIL who isn't involved with your children who are IN ANOTHER COUNTRY? Despising a situation where children whose father has all but desetted them, get a good relationship with their family?

I don't think your world view will enable you to see this situation objectively. The biggest hint of this is that you feel that you are 'like a single parent'. I hope you do never become a single parent.... because it is far more difficult and demanding than a situation where your partner works away, and once again just shows how desperate you are to play victimand look on things negatively instead of being thankful for what you do have.

I think its a bit weird that EW spends every Christmas with her ex ILs if she has a family of her own. Sounds like she isn't willing to move on, maybe doing it to cause trouble.

Having a relationship with GC doesn't mean having exDIL round all the time, I am friendly to my exDIL and very supportive when she needs childcare for work or illness but we see each other when we handover kids. I've got kids of my own and she has a mother of her own, it is all friendly but the boundaries are clear.

I am amazed at the attitude of some people about someone on military service, you know the people who keep us safe and defend our country. As well as risking their lives and sometimes living in harsh conditions for months on end they are supposed to give up on the idea of having children? Some strange views on here.

Exwife doesn't seem to be getting any flack for failing to let the children have Christmas with their father.

*deserted not desetted.

Some strange views on here

Yes namely yours.

Well said grannytomine.

Ex-wife doesn't seem to be getting any flack for failing to let the children have Christmas with their father.

Oh yes of course I mean why should the mum who cares for the children's every need all year with no help or support from the other parent decide that she would like to not only cope with all the stress and crappy times of parenthood but also wants to enjoy Christmas Day with them.

Dad cannot be arsed to keep regular contact all year then wants to wander in on Christmas Day and have all the fun and glory.

RacoonBandit maybe she should do it because she thinks of whats best for the children and not her feelings about her ex. Some exwives manage that you know.

So do you seriously think that the military should all be sterilised or just take a vow of chastity? Don't they give up and risk enough for the rest of us?

I think that what's best for the children is not the first thought in dads mind given the lack of effort he puts in with them.

Also where did I mention the military?

Many separated people in the forces manage to have regular contact with their children and maintain family relationships. This dad chooses not to.
They have one parent who puts their needs and interest first and it is not dad.

Ex-wife doesn't seem to be getting any flack for failing to let the children have Christmas with their father

Maybe the kids, who are old enough to decide, didn't want to go away from their Mum, friends, grandparents etc to spend it with people they rarely see.

No one is saying that people in the forces shouldn't have kids, but in a case like this where that job choice means living in a different country to your kids and not seeing them for months at a time it is very wrong to then complain about the wider family staying close and being supportive. He should be grateful.

Thank you for all your views (strange or otherwise) being a military wife is hard and everyone who married into the military knows this.

Nowhere on this thread did I say I can't go to in-laws, I said they make me feel very unwelcome.

I'm going to leave this now as I've heard views from a different perspective and I'll take stock and see what 2017 brings.

EW won't move on and is still clinging to her and DH's past...this is what I find weird.

PIL travel to get the kids on a regular basis so she does have the support and there is no need, IMO, to spend Christmas with PIL especially to the detriment of their son and current DIL.

I appreciate everyone who has bothered to write on this thread and hope you all have a happy new year

And maybe someone who already doesn't see his kids enough shouldn't then go and have another two kids stretching himself even thinner. Being in the forces doesn't exempt you from needing to make sensible decisions based on the welfare and best interests of your existing children.

To be fair - Military service is not the same as "can't be arsed to keep contact with the kids".

And any poster starting a thread 'AIBU to not let ex-H see the kids ever at Christmas' would be flayed alive.

I understand a lot about military service and how that can affect relationships and it is not ever a simple case of "oh I am in the forces can't see my kids not my fault".

Dad can change is role within the forces the MOD are supportive when it comes to families. He can also leave the military if his children meant so much to him. He is choosing not to.

PIL travel to get the kids on a regular basis so she does have the support and there is no need, IMO, to spend Christmas with PIL especially to the detriment of their son and current DIL.

It's all about you two isn't it

Racoon, I talked about people who were critical of his career choice which seems to be something military but OP isn't clear on that. You replied that it was my attitude that was off not their's.

If he is away for months all the more reason to make sure they see plenty of him when he is home. Making dental appointments when they are due to fly out to dad, yes the act of a caring and mature mother.

How do you know what is in his mind? Are you some sort of psychic?