Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:46

How the hell does a dental appointment stop contact? Do they last a whole weekend?

I think the OP's updates answer this question - contact planned to take place at the fathers home, in a different country to his DCs' - mum manages to get a dental appt for the summer holidays in the middle of the arranged contact period.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:47

We're in a different country, flights were booked and she cancelled the whole thing because of dentist appointments. It's not just a case of popping up the road to get them which we used to do every other weekend when we were in the uk and we were at opposite ends of uk

OP posts:
1horatio · 31/12/2016 19:47

OP, im sorry, I think I may have given you undeservedly a hard time. But can you really not see why this is going on?

The ExW may have been ok with the little time he had for their DC. Now he decided to have 2 more, the time he has with them was at least cut in half.

My father did something similar. Used to work a lot, uncommon schedules but it was ok. Then he got a new wife and spent most of the time he had in his two new children.

It wasn't his new wife's fault nor was it the fault of my half brothers. But it hurt a lot. It's better now but some of the things that had happened and the perceived and actual inequality still hurts when I think about it.
And it made my mother extremely unhappy, seeing how he was even less there for me and how I suffered.

Maybe his children feel similarly? Maybe that's why the wife is so difficult?or the sister chose to support her?

Idk. But he doesn't sound like a great father.

Could he change his career?

SheldonCRules · 31/12/2016 19:47

I think the different country makes it even worse, the majority of people would take any job that allowed them to live in the same country as their children.

How must they feel, their dad has moved to a different country with a new wife and more children. I doubt they feel high up in his pecking order of importance. Good on his family for ensuring the children aren't forgotten.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:49

fedup How often does your DH travel to the UK to see his DC's? Could he not have changed the plans when his exW cancelled the contact?
Why didn't he enforce the Contact Order then?

1horatio · 31/12/2016 19:49

And yes, I may be projecting.

And yes, my dad said something similar.

But I moved to a new city, but I have work, but your mother did....

It sounds like lame excuses to a child. And if a kid is hurt the people around the kid usually get angry at the kid's behalf.

If I'm projecting and the kids are happy with the situation then I apologise.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 19:51

He lives in another country to his kids?

And you are annoyed that his family choose to spend christmas with their Gc and Dns and so invites their mother. Means they get to see their grandkids and their mother isnt alone.

Are you joking? If they want to spend christmas with the gc/dn its going to be through their mother. Your dh doesnt do enough for his kids with her. I dont agree with facebook ranting but i bet you anything his family agree with her thoughts regarding him.

Thats why he doesnt get to dictate to his family who they can and cant host.

Why does he live in another country to his kids?

needsahalo · 31/12/2016 19:51

Oh, and you're not 'like a single parent' but that's a whole other thread.

I think what is particularly telling here is the sheer depth of the drip feeding and the lack of understanding of the bigger issues by the OP. I assume ex lives near the OP's DH's family?

Rainbunny · 31/12/2016 19:54

I feel for you OP. I know in MN world everyone is wonderfully mature adults who hold no grudges and co-parent after divorce perfectly and the ex-wife and wife are besties... yeah right. In reality I think that's very much the exception.

I think it's clear that you only really have a SIL problem, which to be honest doesn't sound like it will improve unless the SIL wants it too - so don't hold your breath and make your peace with that. Your PIL's sound like they're trying to manage a difficult situation and I can't blame them for not wanting to take a side since they really want to maintain a relationship with their GCs. Your GCs must be approaching an age where they are becoming more independent so they will be able to maintain a separate relationship with the PILs and your DH without it being "controlled" by the ex-wife so much. I think the situation will improve vastly when that happens.

As for the ex-wife, I have to say it sounds a bit pathetic to me that she is still showing up every single Christmas 10 years down the line. I understand a reasonable effort to maintain friendly relations for the sake of the children but every single year is honestly too much and she needs to move on in life ffs. This is not a "right or wrong" situation, it's not wrong for her to accept the invitation each year but it's also not wrong for you to dislike that every single Christmas she is there especially as she doesn't have a good relationship with your DH (would be very different if they were friendly). I know why the PIL keep inviting her, understandable, I don't think it's healthy for her own good to keep doing this though. Essentially this is a situation that is out of your control really at least until your DSC are near adulthood. Keep your head and play the long game!

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:57

rainbunny I think you need to read the rest of the thread. The OP has revealed significant facts that totally change the likely motivations of her PIL.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 19:58

Hang on you are on a different country.

Well that does make a difference and should have been in tbe OP as now you must be able to see why the family keep in touch with the ex to see the children.

Oh and you are not a single parent. The ex is.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:58

Trying not to drip feed, really just came on here for a rant and didn't want to put too many identifying details.

OP posts:
needsahalo · 31/12/2016 19:59

rainbunny what do you mean by 'move on'? What rules does she need to satisfy to prove she has 'moved on'...maybe it's kind of nice to have someone cook dinner and watch the kids like she does for the rest of the year given her ex quite clearly doesn't give a shit?

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 20:02

Trying not to dripfeed?

Really? Unfortunately, I think some of your posts were a deliberate attempt to misrpresent.

SIL doesn't really have anything to do with our 2 kids, I send her pictures of them and used to tag her on Facebook so she got to see how kids are doing.
Of course she doesn't. They live in a DIFFERENT COUNTRY!

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 20:02

I didn't say I was a single parent, I say I was like one when he goes on tour for 6 months

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 20:02

You are ranting and frankly you have no reason to.

This family you are so pissed off with have given some family stability to those children where their father has failed.

You are really not part of their life due to all the travelling yet you think you are entitled to just breeze in during the holiday season and be treated accordingly. That is very entitled behaviour.

RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 20:04

Really? Unfortunately, I think some of your posts were a deliberate attempt to misrpresent.

Totally agree New

needsahalo · 31/12/2016 20:05

Urgh! Yes single parents have the benefit of another wage and emotional support.

I shall remove myself before I'm banned. But so you're aware, the ex and her ex i laws are very much in the right here.

stitchglitched · 31/12/2016 20:06

Your partner isn't around to co-parent or share the burden of childcare in any significant way so maybe she stays close to the ex ILs as they give her help and support. They probably stay close to her in order to see the kids and probably feel a bit of a responsibility to pick up where your partner is lacking.

Re Christmas I would normally agree that it should be alternated but tbh I would find it pretty galling as a parent doing all the hard work to merrily send my kids off at such a special time of year to an NRP they barely see for months at a time. It is also possible that they didn't want to come. I presume they are at least over 10, capable of voicing their wishes.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 20:10

Both over 10, ok I accept that IABVU and should just suck it up

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 31/12/2016 20:11

Needs - I clearly said this isn't a right or wrong situation and she isn't wrong to accept the invitation each year but yes IMO (as I clearly stated also - so not the law, just my opinion) I don't think it's great for her to attend her ex-inlaws family Christmas every year for a decade after she was divorced from her husband, especially given that she has a poor relationship with her ex, thereby making the occasion very uncomfortable for all involved or causing her ex to not attend his own family's Christmas. Maybe every other year but every single year? It would be different if they had maintained a good relationship but they don't. If this sounds like a nice set-up to you then you then fine, I don't think it's healthy.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 20:16

Rainbunny that's exactly how I feel, that's it's not healthy that she's still going to her in-laws especially when she has her own family

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 20:20

Maybe not just suck it up.
Maybe try building those family relationships you think you should have.
Maybe get your DH to step up as a father?

I don't doubt that having a DH who is away alot is hard but you are blaming the ex, his sister and PIL when frankly you should be looking at him.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 20:22

You dont give shit about the exwife

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 20:23

that's exactly how I feel, that's it's not healthy that she's still going to her in-laws

There is an awful lot that is potentially unhealthy and definitely unconventional about the family you have married into. I think focusing on your DH's ExW's relationship with your IL is deliberately diversionary on your part - there are far more significant issues to worry about.

In this case, while it may well be hurtful for your DH, and yourself (and yes, I know it is) you need to focus on the DC's - all of them. And, from what you've described, they benefit from the unconventional relationship between their mother and your IL, as they have far more contact with their DF family than would otherwise be the case. That is a GOOD thing, as it will maintain and strengthen their bond with him, indirectly.

What is the least worse scenario? That you and your DH are hurt, or that his DC's become more isolated from his family?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread