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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking ex-wife and PIL

481 replies

FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 08:03

So DH and his EW (ex-wife) split 10 years ago and his family still host her at Christmas and new year.

My SIL has made it very clear she hates me and keeps a photo of DH and EW so I don't go to her house as I feel I'm made un-welcome. They have 2 kids and while I understand they see the kids which is fine but why the hell do they host her!

DH is fucked off with it and has had it out with his sister and has also blocked her on social media as they have photos on there playing happy bloody families.

We've been together about 7 years and married 2, the kids and I get on and they love coming to ours and are made very welcome.

AIBU to feel annoyed that they still treat the EW like they should treat me...gah

OP posts:
ticklingafoot · 31/12/2016 17:02

I mean the ex wife

Aderyn2016 · 31/12/2016 17:10

Give the OP a break. She's just saying that he isn't a feckless father who wants all the rights and none of the responsibility.

I do think he should go back to court to enforce the every other Christmas arrangement.
I also judge people eho bitch on fb about their dcs other parent. It is a very selfish and mean thing to do to your own children.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 18:01

His job is probably one of the most unstable careers you can have, he was in it when they were together.

OP posts:
Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 18:41

So why has he gone back to court if she is ignoring the court ordered arrangments?

I think its quite clear whats going on.

They are keeping her on side or may even like her and its eaiser to facilitate a relationship through her rather than yiur husband who doesnt see them much. Probably they blame you as well. But i can only imagine we would know that if they posted.

Perhaps they dont see how yiu dh shlukd get to dictate to them about relationships when he isnt really sprting out his own relationship with his kids.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 18:54

There's no point going to court as his job is so unreliable so he can't put concrete times he can have the kids

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 18:59

There's no point going to court as his job is so unreliable so he can't put concrete times he can have the kids

Well, he can - he can arrange to have them on a regular schedule on the understanding that if he's not available, he arranges childcare for them.

I'm afraid I'm not at all sympathetic - even if he is a bomb disposal expert, his DC's deserve a great deal more than warring parents who can't organise basic, frequent, meaningful contact with both.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:05

Well, he can - he can arrange to have them on a regular schedule on the understanding that if he's not available, he arranges childcare for them.

What's the point of this?

OP posts:
NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:16

What's the point of this?

The point is that he takes responsiblity for parenting his DC's. He doesn't just get to hand over cash, rely on his exW to parent them except when it's convenient to him and he's neither working, nor parenting his other two DC's.

I'm sorry, OP, but while I entirely sympathise with you regarding your inlaws unconventional relationship with your DP's exW - when it comes to his parenting choices, he's hardly covering himself in glory. Why on earth did you have two DC's with him, if he has such a chaotic working environment that he cannot be a parent to them?

SheldonCRules · 31/12/2016 19:19

He could, he could apply for flexible working or find another job that allows him set access. Instead they have to make do with whatever time he can spare for them.

Suspect he won't though or he would have done it by now. Maybe he has to keep the new family in a certain lifestyle as you'd think the OP would be encouraging him to have a son much time with all his children as possible.

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 19:24

The point is, is thats what parents do.

I do not believe for second you have no clue why your sil is pissed off with you and your dh and fostering a relationship with your dhs ex-wife. You know full well why.

And clearly you think his family should just accept his fecklessness, like you have and pretend its all ok.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:25

Yes, I get this but regular contact is just not possible in his job...we have tried to have them as much as possible...his EW uses this to her advantage she always knew what his job was and was happy that he has them when he can. It was her that blocked his access at Christmas and then used it against him. The kids were meant to come to us in summer then she booked dentist appointments...he has moved heaven and earth to maintain contact with his children and I really can't see where he has been a flakey father

OP posts:
1horatio · 31/12/2016 19:26

Maybe he should think about changing careers?

Why not get an other job? He can't expect the exW to do everything whilst he has his career, a new family and simply hands over money...

Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 19:27

Moved heaven and earth but not been back to court?

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:29

For the third time, there is no point going back to court

OP posts:
Scooby20 · 31/12/2016 19:29

Oh and also he knew hos job would make it difficult to see his kids. The ones he has with exwife and the ones that he has with you.

But chooses to continue this job.

You say the exwife knew his job. So did he. Yet continued having kids he doesnt have time for.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:29

I really can't see where he has been a flakey father

He's not enforcing the order. HE's allowing his exW to use contact to get at him.

If he was serious about doing the best for his DC's, he'd approach his employer about flexible working (which he is legally entitled to do) and stop relying on his exW to "do the right thing" as she clearly isn't willing to. Go back to court, negotiate contact that is regular and maximises his contact as much as possible and stops being pushed around by her.

(and school holiday dental appointments are like hens teeth round here so she probably got them in when she could - why couldn't he take them?)

1horatio · 31/12/2016 19:29

Has he at least contemplated changing his career?

It seems like this would be the easiest solution? And then he could maybe also go back to court?

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:31

I knew about his career choice when we had children and I (like his EW was) am happy with it, I knew for 6 or so months at a time that I will be a single parent

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 19:33

I think a poster earlier said their must be a reason the SIL hates you and she was shot down for it. I think I can see the reason why she dislikes you.
Granted its not your fault he is a crap dad but in his sisters eyes she probably sees him failing to be a father to his first 2 kids getting with you and having a brand new family and ignoring his other children.

Her anger is misplaced but if you are unable to see why the family have such contact with the ex then you are blind.

NewNNfor2017 · 31/12/2016 19:34

Is he in the Forces? Because there are plenty on NRP who manage regular contact - oh, and Courts take a very dim view of Resident Parents who mess with contact between military serving NRP and their DC's.

He CAN go back to court, but he WON'T.

Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:37

Even ones in a different country new

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpBird · 31/12/2016 19:38

Really didn't want to post too many details about his job as it could be identifying

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 31/12/2016 19:39

he has moved heaven and earth to maintain contact with his children and I really can't see where he has been a flakey father

No he hasn't he has gone on to have another family and ignored his other children.

Your DH is not the wonderful hard done by father you think he is and I suspect his family know this hence why they maintain a relationship with the ex otherwise they would not see the children.

How the hell does a dental appointment stop contact? Do they last a whole weekend?

SheldonCRules · 31/12/2016 19:43

I think most women would be protective when their ex goes to another country, has more children and goes at least six months between contact. The children deserve so much better than that, but it's ok as he pays child support Hmm

Can you really not see why your PIL and SIL make an effort with the ex, it's not like your husband is taking the children for regular visits.

needsahalo · 31/12/2016 19:43

I think the OP is suggesting they live in a different country? Otherwise, I would say the same, is it not possible for fathers to take their children to the dentist?!

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