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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick of my step kids and their rudeness and disrespect.

391 replies

HannahSmithson45 · 30/12/2016 19:19

I feel like crying this evening. Please tell me if it's me overreacting or not.

So my two stepchildren stepson 16 nearly 17 and step daughter 15 are very sporty and along with my dh they go for runs and the gym. During the holidays they have been doing some kind of sporting activity every morning.

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today. Yesterday they left my ds behind will our running (this is dh as well). So eventually because it is a lap around the local park they caught up with him. My ds has always struggled with sporting activities. Ds told me my step kids made made bitchy and out right nasty comments about how he can't run and how he needs to lose weight. These weren't said in front of dh but were said. I could tell it really got to my ds as he started crying when he told me earlier today (he doesn't always share how he feels.

We went out as a family earlier to the shops. We were to leave my dh has to to tell my step daughter off because she said to me "your going out like this". I was wearing no makeup and had decided I could not be bothered to put any on today. Dh made her apologise, I acceapted this apology.

While out I notice how she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers. This is true of me as well.

My dd got in trouble after she insulted my family to her mother. She called me and my family money grabbing and that I'm only with her dad for his money. This is simply not true I work as well. However that was a long time ago.

However she said something really snobby about the part of town most of my family are from and where I lived before dh. I said to her back "not everyone that lives there is a criminal, chav, or on benefits". I then said well I'm from there and I've never committed a crime or claimed a benefit and I'm not a chav. She started sniggering along with stepson when I said this. My dh was away in the toilet when she said this at the restaurant, but I told him and he asked her and stepson about this and they both lied. So it was my son and my word against them. I let this go and I honestly can't be asked to argue with a fifteen year old.

My ds entered the bathroom while my step daughter was getting out the bath. She had not closed the door or locked it. He was naked as he was about to get in the bath. Ds left as soon as he saw her and she wasn't naked as she was wearing her dressing gown.

However later that evening I hear her making a fuss. She began to insult my ds about his body and was getting really nasty. I come in the room to find my ds crying and my stepson laughing. I told stepdaughter to go to room. To which she began to insult me and my ds and she called me dumb, bitch, jealous of her, money grabbing, chav, fat etc etc. I was close to tears and my ds was crying in the other room.

Dh intervenes and by this point ds had told
Me about the running incident. I was really annoyed and was expecting dh to take my side.

Guess what he comes and says that I need to apolgise to both stepchildren. He also said I had made dd cry.

This point my stepson comes in and begins to insult me as well in front of dad.

Then all of a sudden stepson out of the blue invited 3 friends round. Turns out dad had allowed them and given them money to get pizza.

I'm just sick of this, they get away with it because they lie to their dad and play the victim. They make me out to be a big horrible step mum and I'm not. I'm a step mum that doesn't want to be insulted all day and my ds be builled and have his privacy interfered with.

The bathroom thing I get why step daughter would be annoyed and I've done it with her before as she doesn't close the door. But today and yesterday me and ds don't deserve this.

Her and to a lesser extend stepsons behaviour has been so bad the last couple of months. It's been bad since we told them that we are expecting another child.

OP posts:
Manumission · 01/01/2017 03:36

No she didn't.

Is this some weird fat-bashing sect?

angeldelightedme · 01/01/2017 03:37

So, in op her ds walkwd in on the girl when he was, in her own words, naked, but at 15.21 yesterday op states he was 'not naked' (hmm)

SohornaBlu · 01/01/2017 03:41

The op said morbidly obese in one of her most recent posts. I didn't make anything up.

RhodaBorrocks · 01/01/2017 04:19

SohornaBlu The OP was quoting someone else who said that, but there was a bold fail. OP has not called her son morbidly obese. In fact she's got his BMI down from 37 to 32, which yes, is obese, but is going in the right direction.

Can we please stop obsessing about his weight - he's lost a stone in 3 months which is bloody amazing. Why shame him for that? Does your weight come off any quicker if someone calls you a fat cunt? I know mine doesn't!

It's never OK to fat shame, it does not have a positive effect, ever and people who fat shame are not concerned, they just want to have a go. OP is obviously doing what she can to help her son - and it's working - and his efforts are being undermined by the (D)SC continuing to shame him. He's got to be pretty strong to keep going when he's up against that and obviously wants to do it for himself if he's kept it up for 3 months.

It would be nice if we could decide to lose weight and it just melted off overnight, but OP's DS needs long term support to achieve such a big loss. If it was reversed and OP had a daughter who was steadily losing and a DSS who was fat shaming her you can bet the replies here would be different. Woe betide a young girl be told she is fat or that her worth is based on her looks, but if a young man is told that the responses are "Well if there's truth in it..." or "He should man up, he shouldn't be crying at his age..." and the worst one I saw here earlier "If he gained some confidence through having a nicer body..."

You know what the worst insult my DS class of 9 and 10 year olds throw around at each other? "Fat". My DS is tiny, bordering on underweight. Yet for the past year I've had to block countless 'thinspo' sites and put the strictest YouTube settings on to stop him constantly googling 'how to lose weight'. He is 9 FFS! Fat shaming does not help anyone, it just causes damage. And it's starting younger and no one is accepting that it's a problem for males too.

Those of you saying that there can be positives from fat shaming, I sincerely hope you don't let those attitudes show around your DC.

MagicChicken · 01/01/2017 08:32

He got to that size as a result of eating too much to compensate for the loss of his father. He is an emotional eater. He has lost just over a stone in 3 months and we are encouraging him to do exercise and eat better.

Now that I can understand. BUT, and this is VERY important, it if he eats as a response to emotional pain then how on earth is his current environment helping to conquer that? It probably hugely compounds it. Have you thought about getting him some counselling or therapy?

He is forced to live around people who treat him with contempt and remind him constantly that they don't like him. They openly belittle him and stonewall him. I imagine if he has to tolerate taunts about his weight at school then it must be pretty fucking awful to have to live with the same shit in his own home as well. It's hardly a safe space conducive to helping him with his self esteem and tackling his obesity and the root causes of it, is it? Quite the opposite in fact.

I can't begin to imagine how deeply unhappy he must be. Your stepchildren have each other and he has no ally in this but you, which makes him seem like a mummy's boy. Trying to lose a significant amount of weight in this miserable warring household will be nigh on impossible for him.

I think it would be better for all concerned if the stepchildren spent much more time at their mother's. Why must they spend five days out of seven with you when their mum is only a mile away? They are clearly VERY UNHAPPY with this arrangement too - in fact EVERYONE is, with the exception of your DH, so why must it continue? Why does he panic if they want to stay at their mum's for a few extra days? Does it really matter? Confused

Their behaviour is awful but they are sending a clear message that they want some space from you and your son. Why are you and your DH so determined not to let them have it? Confused If there are practical issues with their mother, for example if she works odd hours or is unwell or something, well they are 15 and nearly 17, not five and seven for crying out loud. All three kids are crying out for some respite from this untenable set up so for God's sake LET THEM HAVE IT.

Everyone deserves a home environment that isn't toxic. At the moment it doesn't sound as if any of you have that. Confused

Honestly, you two adults are letting all three kids down right now because you clearly are not listening to them and you persist in your view that this can eventually work just because you two want it to. It can't. It won't. Take your heads out of your arses.

Yes, his kids are rude and obnoxious and they shouldn't be allowed to get away with it, but there is a very clear and simple solution staring you in the face but you are both choosing not to take it. You say you don't enforce 'family time' together but you do, don't you? If they are together five days out of seven how can there possibly be anything else?

My ds is of a similar age and is not very active, however I encouraged him to join in on the activities yesterday and today.

she is rude everytime my ds tries to make conversation with her. He will try and speak to her but she will simply give a pissed off look and will just reply with one word answers.

she insulted my family to her mother.

And yet you encouraged your DS to go running with them. Confused You knew he'd find it hard, you knew it was something your DH and his children enjoyed doing to together, you knew from past experience that they'd probably resent your son tagging along and that they'd probably take smug pleasure in in watching him struggle. Yet you still thought this would be good idea. Confused

You said it was 'awkward' that the pair of them stayed in their rooms and wouldn't join the rest of you downstairs when invited. So more attempts to enforce some 'family time' then. Can't you see that? They will have been smarting from being made to read your letter and apologise. (I'm not saying that's wrong by the way, but they will have needed time to go to ground and lick their wounds and reflect on things a bit) and the a pair of you are still putting pressure on them to spend time as a 'family.' NEWS FLASH: THEY DON'T WANT TO and until the pair of you start to understand and accept this, their behaviour towards you and your son will not improve.

LEAVE THEM ALL BE. It's like the pair of you are constantly picking at a scab.

You can't MAKE them like you. You can't MAKE them like your son. It has to come from them. But what you can do and what your DH must do is make it clear to them that their rudeness, spitefulness and bullying won't be tolerated. If they can't cope with the situation they should be free to go to their mother's not free to start dishing out insults. No-one should have to work hard just to get through each day in some sort of contrived state of peace and harmony in their own home. It sounds awful. If they want to spend more time at their mum's (whether this is part of a formalised arrangement or not) then your DH should JUST LET THEM. It's not a competition, it's not a reflection on how they feel about him and he needs to realise this.

And finally, to the person who said Pointing out to a person that they are fat is not bullying.

It might be, it might not be. It entirely depends on who is saying it, how they are saying it and what their ulterior motive is. I can't believe we should actually need to point this out. Hmm

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 09:18

The point is this, the OP's son is morbidly obese

No, that's not the point at all. It's not what the OP has asked for opinions on and is not the issue that she posted about. S why do you keep going on about this? Are you personally invested in some way? Do you see it as your moral duty to somehow step in and point out to the OP that you think she isn't doing enough? Hmm

Misstic · 01/01/2017 09:31

The son's weight is a part of the problem. Like I said before, throwing around words like bullying and fat shaming (given what the OP has said) is ridiculous. Pointing out a person is fat is not bullying. An insult does not always constitute bullying. A snide remark was made whilst they were out running. Do they constantly tease him about his weight or exclude him because of his weight?

It is possible that there is some insecurities about the OP's background and her son's weight that is being projected onto the step kids. The OP even brought up a perceived insult that happened a long time ago and wanted her step kids to apologise for it this week.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/01/2017 09:33

Like I said before, throwing around words like bullying and fat shaming (given what the OP has said) is ridiculous.

No it really isn't nor is it for those that have the insults thrown at them.

It isn't nor never will be ok!

flumpybear · 01/01/2017 09:39

When they've gone and things are back to normal sit and have a calm but frank conversation with tour DH.
Ex wife is clearly difficult and nasty so the kids are following. You need to get DH on your side and stop this before it escalates

Squeegle · 01/01/2017 09:42

Sibling unpleasantness is nothing new and exacerbated when it is step sibling nastiness. It needs to be stopped now by DH. If it is not stopped you cannot live with him. It's just not fair for your DS. This is serious bullying behaviour and cannot be tolerated. If DH does not take it absolutely seriously then you can't all live together.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 09:43

OP's son's weight is NOT part of the problem. Her step-DC are being rude and disrespectful. The fact that her son is overweight does not give them the right to be nasty to him, to belittle and mock him. The fact that OP's son is overweight just gives them something easy to pick on - if he were a normal BMI then they would most likely find something else...like the fact that the step-DC are also being nasty to the OP for coming from a different social background.

You are focussing on the target rather than looking at the behaviour. Nice bit of victim blaming though: So you're being bullied about your weight - therefore lose weight and they won't bully you. Ergo it's your fault you are being bullied Confused

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 10:14

So, in op her ds walkwd in on the girl when he was, in her own words, naked, but at 15.21 yesterday op states he was 'not naked' (hmm)

So naked with a towel, it's not hard to get.

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 01/01/2017 10:15

Naked with a towel is not naked Confused

Manumission · 01/01/2017 10:18

The son's weight is a part of the problem

It really isn't.

Not unless you believe that unpleasant behaviour or bullying is somehow provoked and justified by aspects of another person's appearance Hmm

HannahSmithson45 · 01/01/2017 10:28

Magic

I totally get your post about stepchildren should stay at mums if they don't like it here, it shouldn't be forced.

However what I don't understand is that they have had this open to them for a long time, they choose to stick to the current arrangement.

They have at times not stuck to it so they know it's flexible. I mean sometimes step daughter will stay at mums stepson will stay here. I'm regards to saying I think it would be best if you stay at mums, I think that would be starting ww3 with dh ex. She quite likes current arrangements and probably wouldn't want to change them but would acceapt dc staying during week. So they have a choice in the matter. Dh loves his children and like I said he feels a lot of guilt about the separation, this means he encourages them to stay here. But they have a choice and choose to stay here.

In regards to my son he is a very happy person. Despite his step siblings. He is quite tough and resilient actually, he's just been taught by me to not fight back verbally or physically.

Now about all the weight issue, I didn't post about that specifically. It's not only thing stepchildren we're rude about ds or me.

But I think some posters see weight as something black and white it's not.

OP posts:
HeyPesto55 · 01/01/2017 10:44

OP, this situation sounds really hard and it seems like you are doing lots of good stuff and really working on improving the situation. Not all step parents would bother, you know. I have no advice, I am extremely admirable of my step mother... they key to that I think was that she never treated us differently, was very firm but fair and knew her own mind. And she made my dad a better person and parent. These kids are nearly adults, they need to learn to treat people well and with respect. Bit simple I know but they'll be in the Big Wide World soon.

MagicMary1 · 01/01/2017 11:22

It is possible that there is some insecurities about the OP's background and her son's weight that is being projected onto the step kids. The OP even brought up a perceived insult that happened a long time ago and wanted her step kids to apologise for it this week.

I suspected this actually. Op sounds bitter about how stepchildren (are healthier and attractive). They also come from a presumably wealthier background then her.

I'm actually going to go against the trend and say op sons weight does matter. the boy is obese and really needs to lose some weight. Yes they are horrible. But if he lost some weight he would gain confidence which would make him less of an easy target. Is it right no but life isn't fair.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/01/2017 11:43

I suspected this actually. Op sounds bitter about how stepchildren (are healthier and attractive).

Healthier doesn't equal attractive. This is part of what is wrong. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Manumission · 01/01/2017 11:44

Gosh you sound lovely magic. Projecting much? Hmm

kittybiscuits · 01/01/2017 11:46

Wow MagicMary could you have packed any more offence into one short post.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/01/2017 11:52

But if he lost some weight he would gain confidence which would make him less of an easy target.

Not necessarily true.

Some of the most insecure people I know are what you would describe as within normal weight range.

angeldelightedme · 01/01/2017 12:47

But if he lost some weight he would gain confidence

you think all overweight people lack confidence? that's a bit of a sweeping statement, is't it?

MagicMary1 · 01/01/2017 13:17

How is it offensive!

We are biologically attracted to signs of health I'm sorry it's true.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 13:18

Fuck me there are some deeply unpleasant posts on here.

PaulDacresConscience · 01/01/2017 13:19

Gosh that's right, because no overweight people ever find partners, or get married, do they? True fact.

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