Family no longer coming to stay (head lice-related)

[boobashka]

My brother and his family are in the UK for the holidays staying with my parents (2hours away). Since October the plan has been that they will come to ours for 3 days over New Year. So I have filled the fridge, booked a meal out, and in the last couple of days cleaned house from top to bottom and organised beds and bedding for everyone - 11 people including my other DB. I discovered head lice in myself and DD yesterday - promptly treated with Full Marks and thorough combing with the fine tooth nit comb. Now my brother and his wife no longer want to come here to stay in case their two DC (age 4 and 2) contract nits.
AIBU to be think that their decision is super selfish? My mum has been on the phone in tears (first time all her grandchildren were to be together) and my two DC are upset to not be spending time with their little cousins.

I never had lice as a child either (late 60s/70s). The chemicals used on lice then were v effective, but also pretty toxic, so lice are now more prevalent as we don't use strong pesticides to kill them any more. They have also become resistant to treatments that used to work well. My daughters thankfully very rarely get them, (one had had them twice, the other once, they are 9 and 12) but I do react horribly to insect bites and so I would avoid visiting anyone with active lice. Treated lice though? No issue. The "still infectious for a week" thing is because you technically might not have killed off all the eggs, so new lice could hatch. This can be avoided anyway by daily conditioner combing with a nitty gritty. When my dds had them I got rid of them completely in two days just using the comb method. Mind you they both react strongly to lice and itch like mad so I do get them at an early stage. Not all children have reactive skin so you can get a pretty hefty infestation without realising, and that might be trickier to tackle. We also have fine hair which is easier too I think.
Anyway your rellies are being v silly as you've treated the lice. It would be reasonable for them to check that you were daily combing this week, but not coming over is rather bonkers.

Could you ask them to look up ways to deter nits? I was due to stay with relatives in the summer when they told me they had lice. I stocked up on tea tree oil and tea tree oil hair care products and used them meticulously throughout our stay. Neither of us ended up with lice. Though for a couple of weeks after I cam home I kept being woken by the feeling of crawling in my head just as I dropped off to sleep. That was annoying.

To be honest, id think twice too. Only because my daughter had them as a kid and they are an absolute bastard to get rid of. Kids just keep reinfecting one another at school, and yes, you need to treat twice, a week apart, because often you don't kill the eggs, then they hatch and you need to then kill the ones that hatched.

So I'd probably still come but I would at the back of my mind be thinking ah shite. You wouldn't want your kids to get them then inadvertently give them to other kids i.e. If they go to nursery or something, or have play dates so I can see why they may not want to come.

Oh and you did the right thing telling them.

You need to retreat before any newly hatched ones get to breeding age.

I 100% believe that the comb and condition advice is making these things far worse. The little buggers are so easy to miss.

I would text them back massively taking the piss and then say how disappointed you are.

I have anal friends who would be like this. They have airplane outfits. Says it all!!

They are being ridiculous. If you have nuked them and combed, there is no chance of infection until any last few eggs hatch in @ a week.

You had no need to tell them, and they have no need to stay away.

I think your mum should tell them to get a grip and that they are all visiting anyway.

So sorry your family is being so crap.

footle I commented above that I have never had nits. I am very nearly 59 and not amnesiac. I didn't have them and didn't know of anyone having them. No so-called not nurse, nothing. I'm not sure why they're so common now. Chemical resistance perhaps?

Well, clearly they're not the only ones who would cancel. Who knew people could be so precious? You've treated them & would presumably keep on top of it by combing a couple of times a day etc, so the chance of them getting them are very slim and if they do? ...it's nits. Not nice, but not the end of the world.

I'm surprised they're GP's though - they're, generally speaking, the least neurotic of people.

If you think it's just an excuse why not text him?

What I'd want to text is... 'If you didn't want to come, you could have just said so, I wouldn't have filled the fridge, sorted out beds for 11, booked dinner & I wouldn't have let the children get so excited. I can't believe you have upset Mum like this and all the kids. And me. Using a case of treated nits as an excuse is lame, even for you'.

Though I'd probably edit that, a bit.

I have genuinely started scratching my head since reading this thread! . Even the thought of headlice is enough to cause a reaction in some people.

My kids both had headlice a couple of times and we got rid of them easily by covering their hair in conditioner and combing them out. We did this three or four times over a two-week period and this vanquished them!

However, I agree with pp that lice are a far bigger deal if your kids haven't encountered them yet - the thought of insects wriggling in your hair can cause a visceral reaction! However, after the first infestation, you tend to take them like a pinch of salt and don't let them interfere with normal, everyday activities. That's why there's such a yawning gap between OP's reaction and her DB and SIL.

Sadly, you just have to write this off as something Beyond Your Control, OP, and try to look on the bright side. As pps have suggested, revel in your lovely clean, tidy house and enjoy all the food you've bought!

I don't understand why you are surprised. Your DH clearly thought it could be an issue and it's best to let them decide if they want to come or not. You must have known they might say yhey wouldn't come.

I never bothered to tell my sister when Dd had nits as I knew she'd go all drama-queen about it. They do sound horrible but once you've actually had experience of them you know it's really no big deal.

Not sure I'd want your rellies to be my doctors OP. Can you imagine the trauma they'd put you through? They'd probably have tears in their eyes and pass you a box of tissues just to convey the news that you had a verrucca.

I'm 53 and never had nits. DS1 had them once in primary school, DS2 never had them. I wouldn't visit you either, sorry.

I concede that it's a bit OTT but I'd want to cancel even I wouldn't ...My DB's kids used to seem to continually have nits even though they were regularly treated and both adult DD2 and I got them from them. DDs hair is like a lions mane so it was a huge pain in the arse to get rid of the little blighters. It wasn't a matter of a quick treatment and quick comb.

DD2 was 21 at the time and it was the first time that any of my DC had had nits. I thought I'd got away with it.

I'm sure there are a million threads from people saying how awful nits are and how difficult they are to get rid of. I know they aren't a matter of life and death but I'm suprised that so many posters seem so blasé about them.

Yabu it is there choice.

I warned friends of ours who were due for a visit that DD had had nits, but that we had treated her and combed though, they still came anyway. But I still felt right warning them.

That was the first time she had them, simple case over and done with, the second time she had them, the term just gone, it took me weeks and weeks to get rid of them, in the end I ended up having to spend hours every night to comb her hair through. And treatment upon treatment

We had got rid of them by the half term, she went back to school and got them again. Tbh, I could have cried. Was about 2 months total and her hair was so dry and in bad condition by the end of it she ended up getting a good 2-3 inches off it also. But the relief when I had not found anything at all in her hair after a steady 2 weeks of detection combing.

So while I think telling someone is the right thing to do, I would not actually really expect anyone to stay away. Just gives them a chance to maybe make sure hair is tied up and they have some of that tea tree lice repellent spray on or something if they feel the need.

They live abroad, it's new year, its the first time the whole family would be together. The risk of getting nits from someone who is being actively treated for them is tiny, and I would have thought, in those circumstances, worth it. It's not the plague, or even novovirus. They are being precious and selfish beyond words.

I must say that before I had them, which was a couple of times when kids were little, I would have run for the hills too. Worst was when I was pregnant with youngest ds and I couldn't use anything other than conditioner .... it turned out though that the next time conditioner was the best thing - I'd do it a couple or four squeamish times a day and it worked well. You really shouldn't have told them because you're probably fine now but you do have lots of good food

I don't think it's fair to assume they are using it as an excuse because they didn't want to come. Some people worry more about these things than others.

My children have almost never had lice (three children, oldest 19, one episode with only one child affected ) and I personally find the whole idea makes my skin crawl. During my childhood, my sister had them once - found by the nit nurse and treated immediately. Unlike many here, I still feel it is worth taking precautions, including, on occasion, avoidance of anyone with ongoing infection.

I probably would come, given the circumstances, but it would make me think twice and it would annoy me having to take extra precautions at a time of year when there's enough stress already.

Freeze the food and enjoy your lovely clean house. Redirect in-tears relations to those who are responsible. It's a bit shit, but try not to let it wreck future relations.

Insane.

Still good way of weeding out precious drama queens from your life. Kids get nits.

I did cancel a play date with friend and her kids who'd had nits just before we were hosting a christening. Didn't think it would be fair in those circumstances to risk passing on.

But in this case it seems daft I agree.

I'm sorry but I would cancel the visit too. My 3 have had nits several times and it's horrendous getting rid of them. Spent weeks and weeks 4/5 hours a night combing through for nothing in the end. We had to cut my eldest' s beautiful long thick hair into a short bob after 3 months of constant re infections because some other lazy bastard parent wouldn't sort their child's hair out!
It was an absolute pain in the arse!
So no I definitely wouldn't voluntarily visit - I would apologise tho.

Who knew saying you have nits in the house would be such a potent deterrent to family members coming round. I imagine a few mumsnetters will be keeping this in mind.

Is anyone else itching?

They are being idiots. They will go home and their kids will likely get nits from nursery anyway next month and then they will really know they were idiots.

As many people have said, once your child has actually had them once or twice, you realise that it just isn't that big of a deal to be worth cancelling all those arrangements that you'd only have the opportunity to do every few years when your hosts have already applied nit treatments and done a good comb through.

Enjoy your clean and tidy house while it lasts.