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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude in laws

86 replies

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 10:51

The in laws invited my husband, myself, and our kids (2 years and 4 months) over to their house for the 29 of December to the 2nd of January as we wouldn't be seeing them at Christmas due to obligations they made prior with friends and his step mums family. We thought that was great, and were really looking forward to it. A few days later they called and asked if we could actually leave by 9am on New Year's Day as they are having people over. However, his step mums child and his girlfriend are able to stay for this. I found this incredibly rude. Driving there is 2 hours each way, with two children it is difficult. They never see the grandkids (these are their only grandkids) and rarely make the effort to drive up to see us. I have told my husband he can invite them here but I no longer want to travel down there with the kids. He says he will just go alone. Am I being unreasonable that I'm mad about this? In my opinion I feel as though our kids aren't a priority to them and I don't want to continue making an effort if this is what we get back.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 29/12/2016 10:58

You'd still be there for 3 days. That's more than long enough- especially as you don't even seem to like them.

This is one of those situations where you can make as much or as little of an issue as you want. They've been very matter of fact about it, but you can choose not to take offence if you don't want to.

JigglyTuff · 29/12/2016 11:00

Isn't 3 nights away from home long enough?

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:01

I did like them until they continuously started to make choices like this one. When we had our 2nd they said they would be up every weekend to help and see the kids, etc. Haven't come up at all. They continue to make empty promises and when they have said they would come up here they end up going to her families or things like that. It is frustrating to see them making an effort to drive to see her family but no effort to come here.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:02

It's not the length of the trip, it's the fact that we're being sent packing but others are staying.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 29/12/2016 11:04

What are you doing New Year's Eve? Being booted out at 9am on NYD isn't terribly charitable, I'll give you that!

OrangeSquashTallGlass · 29/12/2016 11:06

Who are the people who are staying while you have to leave? Are they also arriving on the 29th? Do they have any relation to the people who are coming over on New Years Day that you don't?

pipsqueak25 · 29/12/2016 11:07

not worth wasting head space on them, three days should be enough for a visit, [i'd struggle with 3 hours], two hours drive with young kids isn't massive really in the grand scheme of things is it really ?
but having said that, people make promises then don't keep them for whatever reason, shallow but a fact of life, they don't seem too fussed about visiting you it's their loss in the end
there seems to be some quiet hostility going on here and perhaps they pick up on it hence the not keeping to arrangements ?

Sleepthief · 29/12/2016 11:07

I think it's rude. Yes 3 nights is plenty, but if you've been invited to stay for 4 and all of a sudden you're being hustled out before 9am a day earlier because you couldn't possibly be inflicted on their guests, I'd be righteously fucked off!

Yes, you can choose to be offended or not, but you can also choose never again to put yourself at the mercy of people who are so inconsiderate of the feelings of others. I wouldn't go and, without making a song and dance about it, I probably wouldn't ever go to stay with them again... Your husband can make his own choices.

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:10

@orangesquashtallglass the other people coming are his step mums adult son and his girlfriend! They arrived on the 28th, even though we were told we couldn't arrive until late night 29th or early 30th because they (just step mum and dad) were going out on 29th. And they are staying until the 3rd. No relation to the guests coming on either end.

OP posts:

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 11:12

Yes they are rude.
3 days is too long with rude people.
I would go, smile asnd behave very well. I would also tell everyone there how you have to leave by nine on NYD. I would do this as pleasantly as possible.

Slowly back away, stop reminding DH to contact them, forget to arrange dates, smile at them and ignore them.

It's not worth a row with them, it's not worth a row with DH.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 11:13

It's very odd to be given a time to leave, especially so early on New Year's Day. Surely you just leave when you're ready, especially with two young dc, it's not easy to get everything done for 9am. Even if there are further guests, it doesn't take long to tidy/change beds if there are four adults helping?

happychristmasbum · 29/12/2016 11:13

Sorry but I think YABU.It's only a 2 hour drive and three nights is plenty. Am not sure why you would want to stay longer really.

Sounds like a good opportunity for you to improve relations between you and PILS but you seem determined to cause an issue?

Some of us find it very hard to mix people from different parts of our lives, and need to compartmentalise. Maybe the visitors are known to the other guests and that is why they are able to stay and you are not? Or they arrive later?

I just wouldn't be that bothered about it really.

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 11:15

happy I think you should leave this thread now.
I find it hard to compartmentalise. Please leave.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 11:17

I wouldn't go,it's very rude being booted out at 9am on NYD. Dh can go alone.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 11:18

Why not leave later on New Years eve?

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:19

@happychristmasbum you've obviously missed the post where I said I liked them until now. I have always been the one to make an effort and am now tired of receiving nothing in return.

OP posts:

sandragreen · 29/12/2016 11:20

I also compartmentalise. Are you going to tell me to leave someone elses thread Bitfacow? Are you quite well?

Anyway - OP, Is it possible the ILS need the room and there has been some kind of cock up in the arrangements? Maybe FIL said oh don't worry, mummy etc will be happy to leave earlier? Did they have a conversation with you about it directly or is this all third hand through DH?

It sounds like there's probably more to it that isn't anything to do with you IYSWIM? I wouldn't get into a huge family rift over it though. Hope you sort it out.

Topseyt · 29/12/2016 11:20

Go, but while there just quietly, coolly as civilly point out how magnanimously you have agreed to leave at 9am a day earlier than planned to make room for XXX to arrive so that everyone can continue to celebrate without you.

I really am glad that I just don't do New Year. I just do Christmas, and am usually relieved when that is over with.

Sheld0n · 29/12/2016 11:21

Not saying it's right, but I wonder if they want it to be adults only and they're asking you to leave early with the kids?
Asking to change the length of visit is okay, but YANBU - having to leave by 9am on NYD and other guests being 'allowed' to stay is a bit mean.

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:25

The new guests aren't even staying overnight! They're just having people over for the day so it's not as if they need our room! And @sandragreen it was told to DH only. They will never say these things to me as I'm sure they know I wouldn't be as nice about it as my husband.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/12/2016 11:27

I have a sneaky suspicion you are using this change in arrangements as an excuse not to go?

It would be very rude to pull out now. I appreciate you find your in laws rude and possibly selfish but you have agreed to visit and they are probably looking forward to seeing you and their grandchildren. It also puts your husband in a difficult position. Would you really let him go alone?

Are the pils quite old? A 2 hour trip to see you might be too much for them? That might be a reason they don't visit you.

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 11:29

@ilostitintheearlynineties not old at all. They travel more than double the distance to see her son all the time. I was really looking forward to going until they asked us to leave at 9am. It showed me where we stand with them once and for all.

OP posts:

mirokarikovo · 29/12/2016 11:33

I get where you're coming from OP and I think you're right. It's unreasonable to ask any guest to leave by 9am especially with young children where it can be a challenge to be ready before noon. So basically you need to leave on 31st. Except it's unreasonable to expect you to do a long journey on 31st if you want to stay up to see in the new year so to do that you will need to leave on 30th. So basically you can only really go for one night and it's not worth going that distance for one night.

caroldecker · 29/12/2016 11:34

Maybe they don't visit you as you don't make them welcome?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/12/2016 11:36

Oh right, I thought they might be too old and frail to travel. I think you're right, they don't like you or they're too selfish to realise that they have snubbed you.

My in laws don't particularly like me, I can sympathise. The main reason being that they don't really see me as family.

I tolerate them to keep the peace and for my husband's sake. Usually biting my tongue and going home with a massive tension headache. You'll probably find you can't wait to leave so they may have done you a favour .

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