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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude in laws

86 replies

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 10:51

The in laws invited my husband, myself, and our kids (2 years and 4 months) over to their house for the 29 of December to the 2nd of January as we wouldn't be seeing them at Christmas due to obligations they made prior with friends and his step mums family. We thought that was great, and were really looking forward to it. A few days later they called and asked if we could actually leave by 9am on New Year's Day as they are having people over. However, his step mums child and his girlfriend are able to stay for this. I found this incredibly rude. Driving there is 2 hours each way, with two children it is difficult. They never see the grandkids (these are their only grandkids) and rarely make the effort to drive up to see us. I have told my husband he can invite them here but I no longer want to travel down there with the kids. He says he will just go alone. Am I being unreasonable that I'm mad about this? In my opinion I feel as though our kids aren't a priority to them and I don't want to continue making an effort if this is what we get back.

OP posts:
dailymaillazyjournos · 29/12/2016 11:37

Nope, I think that's rude. If you have to have a last minute change of plan and absolutely have to ask someone to leave earlier than arranged, you do it incredibly nicely and apologetically imo. And preferably, don't do it at all. It's flakey and unpleasant.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/12/2016 11:37

If you want the kids to see their grandparents, then go as arranged, agree to leave on the 1st, but leave when you want to - don't be hustled out at 9 am if you aren't ready by then. If the PILs don't like it, they can lump it - and if they don't extend further invitations as a result, then all so much the better.

But if you don't want to go, then don't.

ChristmasEvePJs · 29/12/2016 11:37

A sober NYE would be essential too for driving at 9am. Hardly sounds fun.

FatalKittehCharms · 29/12/2016 11:39

It's not about the lenght of the stay, of course 3 days plenty.

It's being booted out at 9am (!) on NYD.

It's not like they need the room.

Seems like SMIL is prioritising her bio child over her step-child.

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2016 11:39

Yes, rude to ask you to go by 9am. It sounds like they are planning a naice adult brunch or lunch. Smile bravely and say you'll do your best to get out of their way on time...in front of everyone, obviously.

However, it's hard, isn't it? Packing will take ages,the baby will need feeding and changing. Maybe even bathing. And the toddler, well, you can't put them in the car without a play first. Preferably a park trip with GPs. DH may need to spend a while in the loo and you will definitely need a shower or bath because the baby has been a bit sick on you.

Golly, it might be getting on for 11 before you manage to get away. Or even as the new guests arrive and you shout how sorry you are that you've spoiled everything and not left when you were told. Wink

ArcheryAnnie · 29/12/2016 11:42

My thoughts exactly, Matilda!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/12/2016 11:43

Matilda is right. The logistics of getting a toddler and tiny baby all set and ready for a long car trip by 9 am would be horrendous.
Probably better to leave the night before so they can sleep the journey and be put to bed when you get home..

IdaDown · 29/12/2016 11:45

Fatalkitteh's got it.

It's not really about the length of stay, it's about DH and your family being marginalised by SM.

Does DH have a good relationship with his DDad (or have I misunderstood - it is DH's DDad and SM?)?

Can DH talk to his DDad about this?

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 11:45

I would cut short your trip. . Go home at 9 am on the 31at and a wonderful nye at home by yourselves. . Resolve less contact to in 2017!!

Fairenuff · 29/12/2016 11:47

A few days later they called and asked if we could actually leave by 9am on New Year's Day as they are having people over.

The clue here is that they asked. What did you answer? Did you say, yes, that's fine?

You should have laughed and said, 'There is no way we'll be out by 9am, more like 12. Unless you want us to go home on NYE?'

happychristmasbum · 29/12/2016 11:47

@mummy Sorry, I was looking at what you said re They never see the grandkids and thinking this was a good opportunity to set things on a more positive footing.

I do think it's a bit odd that you have to leave by 9am, and that they don't need the room. I wonder if there is more to it that DH hasn't said or has misunderstood?

I still think I would go and maybe give it a last go with the PILS? Sounds like there's maybe more of a back story though and this is the proverbial straw?

@Bitofacow WTAF? You sound unhinged.

BluePancakes · 29/12/2016 11:48

It's not NYD though, it's the 2nd. That said, 9am is awfully early, so I'd 'accept' but compromise, and say that I'd be leaving 10-11am.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/12/2016 11:48

They are rude and have snubbed you. Caindingle's solution seems perfect to me. I see your snub and I raise you ...

BluePancakes · 29/12/2016 11:49

Ignore me, I misread the OP. Sorry!

Yes, I'd not go in that case.

mickeysminnie · 29/12/2016 11:55

I would go up on the 30th and leave again on the 31st.
Visit but do it on your own terms. If they question it, which they undoubtedly will, just say that you feel your visit is more a hindrance than a pleasant experience so you will keep it short.

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 11:58

The point being it's rude and 'unhinged' to ask people to leave in this manner.

To say to guests you must be gone by X time is the same asking someone to leave a thread. It's just rude unless you have a really good reason.

The OP is BU but you didn't like being asked to leave.

It's rude.

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2016 11:59

No, have some fun with it as I suggest above. It will be pure gold watching them get more and more stressed as you are still in your pjs at 11 and need to shower. Ask them to mind the baby then. Smile

You and dh can devise a points system on how far you can wind them up.

I suspect the situation will never arise again if you play it this way.

Rafflesway · 29/12/2016 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakesRUs · 29/12/2016 12:01

I'm prepared to get flamed for this but maybe it's the kids? maybe that's why they are ok with the other two adults staying, but want you out early. I'm not saying, if this is the case, that it's right, I'm saying, after three days, maybe they want a bit of peace and quiet. However, a 9am start, actually giving you a specific time to leave, is rude.

RandomMess · 29/12/2016 12:02

It would appear that it's SMIL who is the one organising everything and she prioritises her son over your DH

Either your DH can talk to his Dad about how hurtful this is (is he bothered or is it just you feeling hurt) or you can decide to make visits work for you.

Do you still want to go? If not it's perfectly reasonable to explain you can't get packed up for 9am so you'll just pass this time.

It's not about you/your DH it's them, detach and save yourself the heartache.

SantasJockStrap · 29/12/2016 12:02

Well, heres not not enjoying a drink and seeing the new year in late, as it will be early nights and up by 8am latest to get out of the door with the kids by 9am

I would go, but I would leave on new years eve, lunchtime, drive home and enjoy new years in my own home

SantasJockStrap · 29/12/2016 12:04

I wouldn't send your DH up there on his own, as then it is causing a problem between YOU and HIM and over dramatizing the whole thing

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 12:06

I would leave them,on NYE by around 11am, so you can make good time and get some food in for New Year's Day and see in the new year with a few drinks. It is extremely rude, as it ruins your new year day, and New Year's Eve!

happychristmasbum · 29/12/2016 12:06

@Bitofacow

The difference is, it's the ILS home. This is not your thread. HTH

I will leave the thread because I don't think it's fair to the OP for her thread to be derailed because of your issues, whatever they are. To be honest you sound more in need of help than the OP does.

I hope you get it sorted either way OP and have a lovely NYE.

merrymouse · 29/12/2016 12:09

Even hotels usually let you stay till at least 10!

Having to have everything packed and be on the road by 9 is ridiculous.

I think your only option is to leave the day before.

It sounds as though they want to give the appearance of inviting you for New Year, but really would rather you weren't there.

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