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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude in laws

86 replies

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 10:51

The in laws invited my husband, myself, and our kids (2 years and 4 months) over to their house for the 29 of December to the 2nd of January as we wouldn't be seeing them at Christmas due to obligations they made prior with friends and his step mums family. We thought that was great, and were really looking forward to it. A few days later they called and asked if we could actually leave by 9am on New Year's Day as they are having people over. However, his step mums child and his girlfriend are able to stay for this. I found this incredibly rude. Driving there is 2 hours each way, with two children it is difficult. They never see the grandkids (these are their only grandkids) and rarely make the effort to drive up to see us. I have told my husband he can invite them here but I no longer want to travel down there with the kids. He says he will just go alone. Am I being unreasonable that I'm mad about this? In my opinion I feel as though our kids aren't a priority to them and I don't want to continue making an effort if this is what we get back.

OP posts:

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 12:12

If it was my thread it would still be rude.

OP don't give them a reason to make you the baddy. Smile.

BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 12:12

Sounds like they're just not big fans of kids.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2016 12:13

I'd probably make my own plans to stay at home for the period and not go. They've changed the plans, that's fine - so can you. I'd say, we'll call up to see you on the 30th and will leave again that day. See you sometime at our house when you're free.

Six hours driving with a break isn't impossible even with one driver, perfectly doable with two sharing it.

sophiestew · 29/12/2016 12:13

raffles

cakes yes I thought that might be it too. Are the other people coming child free OP?

Bitofacow You can't tell posters to leave someone elses thread because you don't like it when people compartmentalise. Your posts are really strange.

I think Random probably has this correct sadly.

I would probably still go and would try to have a good time as you said you were looking forward to it, but I would reassess the relationship for the New Year.

Notonthestairs · 29/12/2016 12:15

It's not actually that feasible to be out the door by 9 (did they say 9am or did they say after breakfast -seems very to give a time). Either way it's rude.
I'd go but come back on the 31st to celebrate NYE at home (and to ensure neither of you are over the limit on NYD).

Notonthestairs · 29/12/2016 12:16

Seems very "odd" ...

FatalKittehCharms · 29/12/2016 12:17

I do find it funny that people are upset at being told to leave the thread by Bitofacow but think it's perfectly fine for OP's MIL to tell her to leave by 9am on NYD

FatalKittehCharms · 29/12/2016 12:19

I don't think Bitofacow really means people should leave the thread, she is just illustrating how rude it is.

tooclosetocall · 29/12/2016 12:23

What Archery and Matilida said. Good points.

You were asked so it's not a demand and not really 'rude', more like they are delusional. YANBU to feel put out that your stay during holiday time is being scheduled.
If you wanted to stay on NYE you could aim for an 9am departure the next morning but anyone who has had young children knows the likelihood of that happening . I'd go just to prove that point

CeeceeBloomingdale · 29/12/2016 12:26

Will you be safe to drive at 9am, do you both drink?

FetchezLaVache · 29/12/2016 12:26

YANBU, OP, esp. if you and DH would have liked to have a few NYE drinks.

It just smacks of being as deliberately inhospitable as they can, simply to make you feel unwelcome. The guests will NOT be arriving at 9am on NYE, so they don't need you gone by then. They're not staying overnight, so in fact they don't really need you gone at all. Don't need you gone but still asking you to leave = want you gone.

Just leave on Saturday afternoon, that way you can be back home in plenty of time to buy stuff in for NYE at home.

bluebeck · 29/12/2016 12:34

I don't think I would tell DH to go on his own, I would probably still go, but would try to see if I could work out what the problem was. It does seem like there must be more to it than the OP has been told thus far..............

Bitofacow it's a bit early for the amount of gin you appear to have consumed..........

SapphireStrange · 29/12/2016 12:36

It's not the length of the trip, it's the fact that we're being sent packing but others are staying.

This exactly.

It sounds like a holiday home where you have to check out at a certain time so the cleaner can come in.

9am on NYD is really uncivilised, and I speak as someone who neither drinks nor stays up until midnight.

I'd never give a guest a check-out time. I actually can't think of a situation where I would think that was OK.

I wouldn't go. They're telling you very clearly that they will only put up with your company for a certain amount of time, on certain arbitrary terms.

SapphireStrange · 29/12/2016 12:37

PS Bitofacow is obviously not being 'rude' but deliberately making a point/comparison by way of illustration.

RedToothBrush · 29/12/2016 12:38

How exactly are they going to FORCE you to leave the house by 9am?

Just take your time and stuff them

If they complain, tough. Make the point that you do not think you are under the limit to drive. What are they going to do exactly?

If it turns into a fight, that's THEIR problem and THEIR fault.

Alternatively, just don't go and tell them their demands are unreasonable rather than being diplomatic about it.

LizzieMacQueen · 29/12/2016 12:45

Are you sure your DH has not suggested this because he wants to be home for a specific time e.g. To watch a NYD football match?

M00nUnit · 29/12/2016 12:46

Your PILs have been really rude. What a crappy way to treat their family. I agree that you should take your time on NY day morning; them saying you have to be off their property by 9am is totally unreasonable and very, very mean, especially when you have a baby and a toddler. Arseholes.

Lilymeadow · 29/12/2016 12:46

If it was me I would go and be lovely and pleasant and helpful, then I wouldn't set an alarm for the NYD morning, get up whenever and take my sweet time getting ready and leave when I and the children were ready to leave not a moment sooner. but that's just me
Also you have to take into consideration how long you have to wait after you and DH finishes drinking before driving the next day.
morning-after.org.uk/?page_id=82

Bettercallsaul1 · 29/12/2016 12:50

It's not so much the time involved bring reduced, is it, but the fact that you're being made to feel de trop , with other people's company being preferred on New Year's Day. If this had been the original arrangement, then I'm sure you wouldn't have minded (although obviously not being given a specific time to leave!) but your MIL has used her power as host to change arrangements to something she prefers. The simple answer is to take back control of the situation and leave when you want - possibly on the afternoon of the 31st. Your MIL may not want this - she may well want your company for longer - but the point is that you have made the decision, not her. It's when we start to feel like pawns in other people's lives that resentment inevitably builds up.

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 13:17

Sapphire and FatalKitten many thanks for explaining.
Me and my irony will leave the thread now.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 13:24

I totally agree Bettercall, that is it! Its the being asked to leave to 9am on NYD, with 2 young children, no caring or feeling there. The fact that it effects your NYE and NYD, as you cannot enjoy it fully, knowing you have to vacate so early. Being sidelined in favour of their friends, like their child and the grandkids are not important. Nothing to do with the length of stay. I would be really loathed to make the effort to come and see them this weekend tbf, and prefer to have a lovely weekend at home, and fully enjoy the New Year Weekend.

Bettercallsaul1 · 29/12/2016 13:24

I think most of us understood, Bitofacow!

Original poster

mummyof2pr · 29/12/2016 13:30

My husband refuses to not go and is making a huge deal of it so we're going for the day tomorrow but I told him it's the last time myself or the kids will be going until we see some serious effort from his dad and step mum! Wish me luck

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 29/12/2016 13:43

It is rude to kick you out and allow their other children to stay.

Also, getting out by 9am on NYD is a helluva task, even without two little DC, and I wouldn't be up for it.

I think you should just say it would be a logistical nightmare to be out by 9am so we'll leave it this time.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 29/12/2016 13:44

YANBU sounds like they are making it difficult for you so you will make the decision to back out and look the bad one.

They've had a better offer and they want rid of you.

I wouldn't bother my arse. Send DH on his tod.

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