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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:45

Thank you VQ1970. I appreciate your measured response.

I think I will proceed as you say, and in the meantime try and put it from my mind.

Although most of the posters here would prefer it if I tore up the 1k cheque from my parents and held the reception on the corner street of registry office!

I am trying to work it through in my mind. It's brought up a lot of conflicting feelings for me and I need to deal with them to prevent unfairness to anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:46

I've already acknowledged that I know it's odd Witchend. RTFT.

OP posts:
LadyVampire · 28/12/2016 12:46

OP they may have a surprise of their own planned for you eg honeymoon I'd wait and see.

Also you can't compare one set of parents financies to the other. They may have money worries they don't want to burden you with. Also how many siblings on DP side compared to yours etc as what they do for one they have to do for all. If it was the other way around and your partner was pissed at your parents you would be a bit gutted.

My parents are full time carers to my severely disabled sister and my DH family own property in London as investors. His siblings are all adults and half of mine are teens. We got money towards our wedding from his mum and nothing from mine but that's because of their circumstances. Just enjoy families being there and congrats! :)

Don't focus on their rejection of you (which unfortunately is what this is). But don't forget it either. If they ever need your help, this rejection should be at the front of your mind.

Don't do this at all.

Kazmerelda · 28/12/2016 12:46

We have planned ours to pay for it all ourselves. We have been lucky that half my wedding dress has come from an inheritance from my grandad via myum and oh's DM and SD gave us some money. Neither was expected so what we have done is insist on paying for their hotel rooms to stay.

Oh Df and SM haven't contributed and that's fine. We don't need or expect it.

Our decision to get married so us to pay.

Yabau I get where you are coming from as your own family have done it but not all families do

redexpat · 28/12/2016 12:48

I dont know anyone who hasnt had contributions from both sets of parents. I think it depends very much on the circles you move in and what your parents had for their wedding, how their finances are, what they feel about yours. The whole thing is a minefield.

I think you had your expectations unexpectedly raised by your parents, then dashed slightly by ILs, so I dont think yab entirely U, but neither are they.

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 12:48

Surely no one's saying parents shouldn't help their kids with their weddings dingdongthewitchishere they're just saying they are under no obligation to and it shouldn't be expected.

Perhaps she'll contribute to something she considers more important and lasting (deposit for a house, furniture or whatever).

Would she contribute if you were in dire financial need due to job loss or illness? In that case I would be offended if no help was offered but a wedding, which you can afford independently anyway is a luxury some parents contribute to and others don't.

Fluffy40 · 28/12/2016 12:48

They may offer something nearer the time, June is ages yet !

Thinnestofthinice · 28/12/2016 12:49

Yabu, but I think you know that. Different people prioritize things in different ways. Your parents have probably been saving for your wedding for years. I'm saving for my little girl to have a house deposit which she will only know about when she wants to consider buying a house. Her future wedding is not on my savings list- so if that came first I may look a bit mean and uncaring too!

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 28/12/2016 12:50

Fluffy40 posted what I was thinking. Assume nothing and stop stressing.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:50

He has two younger brothers LadyVampire, but the very youngest is from DM second marriage.

He gets spoiled rotten and indulged like the two oldest never were. That's probably a whole different thread though...

Kazmerelda. My parents won't let us pay anything for their accommodation. I've researched hotels for them though and found boarding kennels for their animals. I'm going to get DM hair and make up done on the day too. Not sure what to get for DF though. I don't think he's appreciate a makeover! :0

OP posts:
Ohtobeskiing · 28/12/2016 12:51

I don't think you sound grabby - other posters are being very harsh, in fairly typical MN style.

I think, given that your MIL has in interest in cake decorating I would talk to her about that, involve her, flatter her and ask her advice. If she offers to make a cake for you and decorate it - great!

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:54

June is ages away and I'm a stress head. I need to chill.

Parents didn't save for years. They've given us 1k and we are putting in the other 1k. This brings my grabby show off wedding to a grand total of 2k for everything in Central London ;)

Just want people to realise I am not talking about huge amounts that I am still stamping my feet over once receiving.

OP posts:
Stiddleficks · 28/12/2016 12:55

I understand your feelings op. My parents paid for the majority of my wedding, I was happy to have a small affair but my Df is very traditional and in his mind he should pay for my wedding so he insisted and was very proud to do so. My inlaws knew this as they would have known we couldnt have been paying for what we were having. Both myself and my dh were a little surprised that they didn't seem at all interested but they also went with tradition and two weeks before the wedding they gave us money to have a little family holiday/honeymoon. It's a long way to go yet so you may be pleasantly surprised.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:57

Cake decorating can be our exercise in bonding Ohtobeskiling.

OP posts:
LadyVampire · 28/12/2016 12:57

That's the point, most of the posters here seem to disagree, saying it's wrong for a family to help kids with their weddings

No one is saying it's wrong to help but there is a difference between accepting a gift and expecting one automatically (I'm speaking in a general sense as OP has said it isn't expected).

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 12:58

OP hun, chill out.

Relax, you will enjoy it more

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable about the money, it is not uncommon for neither set of parents to give anything so really you haven't done badly hun

We paid for all ours

LottieDoubtie · 28/12/2016 12:59

MN expects you to get married for free and be grateful for the day off from work too.

Leaving those views aside for a minute.

I think yab(abit)u as you've acknowledged- you feel uncomfortable because of the disparity between families, this situation would never have arisen if your parents hadn't contributed. -which when you think about it like that means of course it isn't your inlaws fault that the goalposts moved.

My inlaws did not contribute to our wedding whereas my parents paid for the bulk of mine (which by the sounds of it was more expensive than yours). It did make me Hmm at the time, especially when MIL brought uninvited guests (from another country!!) with her!

But in the end, life is too short (and cultural expectations differ!) and we all got over it. I think for the sake of family harmony you should too!

SquidgeyMidgey · 28/12/2016 13:00

Although most of the posters here would prefer it if I tore up the 1k cheque from my parents and held the reception on the corner street of registry office! Wow, nice foot stamping. If you particularly want a certain style of reception but you can't afford it immediately without help then put the date back and save up yourselves. DH and I had a party in the back garden and quite a few of our friends said it was the best (non-hotel identikit) reception they'd been to. My dad's family sat in a huddle and complained bitterly but sod them.

Ohtobeskiing · 28/12/2016 13:01

Good plan isthismummy! Grin

I have a slightly uneasy relationship with my own MIL so I know this isn't easy but finding some common ground does help!

DotForShort · 28/12/2016 13:01

YABU. It was kind of your parents to offer some financial support but that certainly doesn't mean your future in-laws are required to do the same. It sounds as though they are generous in other ways in any case.

Spam88 · 28/12/2016 13:01

You honestly didn't expect money from your parents but you're put out that his parents aren't giving you money, and you equate giving money with caring? You're being completely unreasonable.

LottieDoubtie · 28/12/2016 13:01

Oh and I've been to upwards of 20 weddings in the last 5 years and I can't think of a single one where the brides families contribution hasn't been acknowledged so I shouldn't put too much store by the 'parents don't contribute anymore' posters.

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:02

OP hun, chill out.

Relax, you will enjoy it more

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable about the money, it is not uncommon for neither set of parents to give anything so really you haven't done badly hun

We paid for all ours ourselves. And didn't feel anyone else need contribute.

I think you are in grave danger of ruining what should be one of the most FUN times of your life , prepping for your wedding, by griping over who has given what - its all silly stuff non important

pinkyredrose · 28/12/2016 13:04

What have you spent the 3k from your parents on? If you're having such a cheap wedding why do you need more?

SantasJockstrap · 28/12/2016 13:04

Over 20 weddings in five years Lottie, I don't think I even know 20 people well enough to attend their wedding lol

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