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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 28/12/2016 12:13

You're gonna gonna get a flaming and a half OP for this I'm afraid. In MN world you're meant to be eternally grateful if parents offer to buy the sausage rolls, but I'm also gonna go against the grain and say a token gesture is the 'done thing' if the parents can afford it. My MIL paid for photo prints which was very generous as they weren't cheap

elvis86 · 28/12/2016 12:13

I think other posters are being harsh, OP. You don't sound grabby. Different families work in different ways, and that can take a little getting used to when you get to know your in-laws.

Are your in-laws generally supportive and encouraging about the wedding? If so, then you really have to not focus on their contribution to your wedding. If they're generally not great, then I can appreciate why this would only make you more disappointed in them vs your own parents. But ultimately everyone is different.

My parents offered immediately to pay for our cake - my in-laws haven't thus far offered to contribute to the wedding, but they've loaned us money in the past and are very generous at Christmas and Birthdays, so tbh I think we'd politely refuse if they did!

You really can't treat your in-laws any differently at the wedding - just make sure your parents know how grateful you are for their help.

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2016 12:14

We paid for our own wedding however I do think its odd that they havent offered something - I have 3 sons and know I will if and when they get engaged.

christmasjolity · 28/12/2016 12:14

The grooms parents do not pay traditionally. What made you think that they would?

The groom should buy the bridesmaids presents and possibly pay for suit hire for best man if they don't own a suitable one already.

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2016 12:15

And some of these replies are ridicolous, you dont sound grabby at all to me.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:15

Actually I'm not drip feeding DrudgeJedd. I'm genuinely trying to work through why I feel this way and I was hoping people would be able to help.

I don't want to feel this way. I suspect it isn't very becoming of me and I would like to rise above it. I'm just struggling with it a bit atm and being honest about that fact.

OP posts:
harrietm87 · 28/12/2016 12:15

YABU

I don't think people should expect contributions these days, and it's not even traditional to get anything from the groom's family. Count yourself lucky yours have generously chipped in!

I got married earlier this year. My family is not at all well off and contributed nothing, not even presents. I was just happy to have them there. DH's parents gave us £400 which we didn't expect and were very grateful for. Other than that we paid for it all ourselves.

Rioja123 · 28/12/2016 12:16

I don't think anyone still believes in the tradition of the family of the bride paying do they?!?

Laiste · 28/12/2016 12:16

I don't quite get why you didn't expect any contributions (you've said it yourself twice now) and yet are disappointed his parents haven't. This doesn't really make sense.

Also - don;t know if it's been said here already, but is your DF one of many siblings? If they give (or haven't been able to afford to give) to one then they may be treating them all the same.

Squiff85 · 28/12/2016 12:16

I agree, but think some people will say YABU.

I think even if they offered to pay for the cake, for example, as a gesture, that would be nice.

christmasjolity · 28/12/2016 12:17

Are your parents hosting the wedding? If they are then of course they have a greater role to play and a higher profile on the day.

Blacksox · 28/12/2016 12:17

I think YABU.

But having said that, my in-laws paid for our honeymoon and my parents paid for the wedding. But we were very young and didn't live together before we got married or have any joint possessions.

I think if you're older (don't know if you are) & established in your 'grown up' lives, it's daft to hope for parents to pay for your wedding.

Mulberry72 · 28/12/2016 12:18

YABVU, you're getting married, you pay. You say you don't particularly get on with your MIL to be but you'd take her money?

And you're not grabby? Oooook then.

christmasjolity · 28/12/2016 12:19

Who is issuing the invitations? Your parents or you?

BravoPanda · 28/12/2016 12:19

How gross. Pay for your own bloody Wedding like most of us have to. Entitled attitudes are horrific

HermioneWeasley · 28/12/2016 12:19

I think weddings are a stupid expense and won't be contributing to my kids' either (if they do get married)

LucieLucie · 28/12/2016 12:21

When did parents help towards their child's wedding stop being the done thing!? Hmm I must have missed that.

I guess as the only people responsible for paying this wedding is yourselves, then count yourself very lucky that your parents are contributing.

As for the fiancé parents, a token gesture like paying for the cake/photographer would be nice but if they don't then fair enough.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect kindness and generosity from parents at a special time like getting married so I'd be disappointed in them as well tbh.
Perhaps them being divorced taints their view of the whole wedding thing.

We were very fortunate in getting £8k from each set of parents for our wedding and we will do the same for our son when the time comes.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2016 12:21

Its very generous of your parents to contribute towards your wedding, but that is their choice to do that, you cannot expect your fiance family to do that same, I would not! They don't sound that well off either. You have answered your own question!

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:21

We would even be grateful for the sausage rolls CherryChasingDotMuncher. We're both vegetarian! :0

Thank you Laguna and Elvis. I don't think I'm grabby either. Unless people think a registry office do in a cheap as chips dress is grabby?

His DM is supportive in her own way. She seems to approve (I think) His DF just seems bemused by the whole thing.

His DM is normally very ott with gifts. She bought us so much this year and it was embarrassing because we couldn't afford the same in return. I tried to explain that to her whilst feeling mortified and she replied that it was OK and that she was "used to it" Even more embarrassed after she said that!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/12/2016 12:22

I think it would be nice if they offered something and perhaps they will.
Some of these replies have been more than harsh and your reflective and considered OP sounded anything but grabby.

ilovesooty · 28/12/2016 12:23

And there have been some even ruder replies while I was typing.

Kel1234 · 28/12/2016 12:24

Yabu, it should be down to you to pay for your own wedding. IF family decide they want to contribute to the costs and are happy to do so, then that is great and appreciated. However it should not be expected that they will offer, and the couple should not be disappointed if they don't.
We got engaged in January 2015, and married in April 2015, as we wanted to be married before the baby was born. Due to the 3 month engagement, we cut down on costs as much as we could (had a registry office instead of church, buffet instead of sit down meal, I only had one bridesmaid and dh only had his best man. Neither of us had a stag and hen night, and we had the reception in the function room of the pub dh worked in as a chef. The rest- registry office, car, flowers, cake, reception, we were prepared to cover ourselves. And I paid for my own dress, veil and alterations. We saved as much as we could, dh even walked to and from work in the snow wind and rain (hour each way) to help pay for things.
But we could pay ourselves.

RhiWrites · 28/12/2016 12:24

I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much

That's an easy fix. In the speeches either you or your husband say "and special thanks to Bryan who baked the cake, Julie for DJing and isthismummy's parents for their generous financial contribution."

JunebabyT · 28/12/2016 12:25

I think it's a bit off that you're saying you didn't expect your parents to contribute at all, yet now that they have suddenly you've moved the goal posts and are annoyed that PILs haven't?!

Celaena · 28/12/2016 12:26

Mrsglitterfairy
...Don't get me wrong, she isn't by any means loaded but when it was his sisters 21st, she paid £200 for a cake for her and a party, always spends loads on the girls, bought lots of new stuff for herself over the 2.5 years we were saving and didn't once offer any contribution. "

A 21st birthday is totally different to a wedding - it is unfair if she is favouring one dc over another - but you cannot compare weddings and birthdays

Her money is her money , why should she have to pay for your wedding?

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