To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

[isthismummy]

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

I agree with PP. You want the wedding, you pay for it. Personally I didn't ask my parents for anything towards our (very low key) wedding. We could only afford a registry office ceremony followed by a buffet in a social club, so that's what we did.

As it happens, my parents paid for us to go away for a weekend on honeymoon, as our wedding present, but I didn't expect it, nor did his parents contribute.

I also think that the norm now is to pay for your own wedding , particularly if you already live together , so it's nice of your parents to contribute but you shouldn't feel that his parents should .

I didn't expect my parents to pay for my wedding. As I mentioned already they offered and we didn't expect it at all.

They aren't paying for everything and it is still going to be a cheap wedding with costs as minimised as possible.

If AIBU then fine. I will try and put it out of my mind.

I object to being called grabby though. I've tried to do this all as cheaply as possible, so that isn't a fair comment imo.

My gut instinct says YABU but if I were your DP's parents, I'd be a bit embarrassed if I were not contributing the same amount as your parents is I could afford it.

Unless you have access to all of your fiancé's parents financial info then you have no idea what they can or can't afford. Are you sure that your parents aren't going into debt/going without to gift you this money?
YABU to expect other people to pay for your wedding

Ybvu, you've been given a substantial amount by your parents and now you want more.

What would you have done if you did'nt have a contribution from your parents?

Just be grateful for what you have, I'm guessing you would'nt have the nerve to ask the inlaws for money because it would be rude and grabby right? Thinking they should pay is just the same.

It's still away off, they might arrange something. Just remember to thank your parents for all their support.

You don't know if as a surprise they'll get you a nice honeymoon / holiday or something else that will have more value than a chair towards the wedding.

Nowadays it's rare even for the brides parents to contribute, so I would feel lucky that some of the pressie has been alleviated.

I had a wedding where MIL wanted to dictate everything down to bridesmaids dresses, but made no contribution and didn't even put the effort in for the church rehearsal. If PIL were making special requests I'd expect them to help towards costs. If not then really no matter the situation it's not tradition, it's not expected either.

I don't think YABU, we are getting married next year and my fiancé's parents have not offered anything but then ask about adding people to the guest list (their friends). This annoys me.

YABVVU.

No-one expects someone to fund their weddings any more, surely?

How old are you, out of interest and how long have you lived away from home - assuming you do?

Are they taking an interest in your wedding plans? Have you talked to them about it, asked their opinion, asked if they would like to help you plan in some way? They may like to be involved and to contribute in some way, financial or otherwise and may prefer to contribute to something specific, say the cake, or flowers or some wine for the reception.

It does seem odd that they have not offered to get something - e.g. buy the cake or get champagne for toasts or some other thing.

Even if they couldn't afford much, I'd expect them to be giving you a gift of some kind.

Do they not approve of you getting married?

Of course they re not obliged but I would expect them to want to do something.

Yabu
Why would two grown ups expect their parents to pay for anything anymore. It's a nice gesture on your parents part but honestly I really wouldn't embarrass yourselves by raising it with them

As parents of the groom they probably wouldn't even have thought about making a contribution to wedding costs. It was not traditional for the groom's parents to have any input other than their "share" of the guest list.
I would bear this in mind and go with what you have.

You didn't expect anything from your parents, but clearly future PILs should offer? YABU. Your wedding, you pay (unless I guess you're both 14 entering into an arranged marriage, but that's probably not the case)

Parents definitely aren't going into debt. It's not a big amount because as I said previously it's a cheap wedding.

I didn't ask/expect my parents to pay and we had budgeted accordingly. They very generously offered to help out and we are very, very grateful.

If they hadn't offered we would have gotten married within the means we have :)

I think the issue could also be that fiancé has been rather neglected by his parents over the years. His DM especially is guilty of this. I struggle to get along with her and perhaps I'm focusing too much on this (rightly or wrongly) as an example of them not caring?

I struggle to get along with her

Yet you expect her to contribute to your wedding? 🙄

It's early days yet so l wouldn't be judging them. I'm sure they will both give you generous wedding gifts when the day arrives. We got married a long time ago budgeting for everything, paying for everything and then one week before my parents gave me an account they had been saving into for years. Totally unexpected, not necessary but amazing. Our savings were not needed in the end.
But it's their prerogative. Maybe they see they've paid for a good education enabling their ds to get a good job and pay his own way. It's like any gift, never demanded but graciously accepted however small.

YABU

It's great that your parents have been able to offer financial help but doesn't mean DHs parents should also be expected to.
The wedding is still 6 months away, you don't know if they're planning a big wedding gift or may offer lots of help in the lead up to the day

YABU
We dont have much money so we got married at registry and took witnesses for lunch.

I wouldnt dream of someone paying for my wedding

Drippy drip drip

I'd think this harks back to 'tradition', where the wedding was basically the property of the bride's parents (e.g they were in charge of the guest list) so they paid for it. Although it has became the norm for couples to be their own hosts these days, I think there's still a bit of a hangover from the past in that bride's parents feel it is their place to offer partial funding as a wedding present. The bridegroom's parents on the other hand, never have that hangover - they wouldn't have been expected to pay in days of old so there's no tradition nudging them subconsciously to offer. Some will, but some others might even feel constrained by the tradition and feel it is 'not their place' to even offer.

I wouldn't take their lack of an offer as a sign of anything deeper. Money often symbolises other emotional things, and I think for you it is symbolising how much they care for your intended, or possibly how much they accept you into the family? But maybe for them, it is just 'not their place'.

I do not think that their lack of offer means that they don't care or don't accept you. They just haven't felt it is appropriate, in that vague way that we often make decisions unaware of how much we are influenced by 'tradition'.

If they don't offer that is fine, but also mean? You say you did not expect parents to contribute and are now complaining they are not.
You obviously do expect a contribution or you would not raise this issue. You are lying to yourself.

Ohtobeskiing. His DF asked when we saw him at Christmas. Oddly DM didn't even mention it face to face despite bringing us engagement card and presents. I found that really strange tbh and more than a little awkward.

Perhaps I should ask her for help? With cake perhaps as she decorates them for a hobby. Perhaps they just aren't being pushy? I honestly don't know. It really is a minefield!

I'm not a pushy person either and I struggle with believing I deserve any attention. I'd happily organise my entire wedding alone to prevent putting people out. I even worry people won't turn up on the day!

And now the excuses begin lol