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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Floey · 29/12/2016 21:32

YABU. Taking the modern view, most couples pay for their own weddings. Going for the traditional view, the parents of the bride pay. Either way, parents of the groom doing nothing wrong in my view

AnnabelC · 29/12/2016 22:15

I paid for my sons very expensive wedding venue for marriage and reception. Brides parents didn't pay anything. I wanted to help out. My choice.

JojoLapin · 29/12/2016 22:44

It would have never crossed my mind to hope receiving money from my in laws towards the cost of my wedding. You are VU.

car5ys · 29/12/2016 22:47

My son is getting married in 18 months. We have given the £1k towards deposit for venue equaled by her parents. His fiancee told me how her dad was giving them m ore £s but I am not asking my oh to match it as I am making all save the dates/invitations/wedding favours/table decs etc so saving them some money. I work part time because I'm nearly 60 and have worked full time since I was 16 and think I deserve a break although could do with earning a bit more. As for being "A minefield" yep my inlaws offered financial help for our wedding then took over, I almost called it off and had to put my foot down. Wish I'd called if off :)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 22:48

YANBat all U to think that his parents might want to make (even a token) contribution to their ds's wedding

But they don't want to - and if, like a pp has done, the OP whines so that the PIL end up shelling out I hope she feels suitably shit about it. I actually feel sorry for the PIL and the fiancé - being this much of a bridezilla and expecting others to pay for a wedding just because her parents have been kind enough to contribute is not a good sign for future married harmony.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 22:49

These days couples often live away from home (often together) and if they can't be arsed to pay for the wedding they want it's a poor show.

YeOldMa · 30/12/2016 01:36

We paid for our daughters' low key weddings and the in-laws were really sniffy because they thought we were showing them up. However, they didn't put their hands in their pockets and complained about how we were doing it all wrong even though the girls decided what they wanted, who they invited, etc. When our sons have got married, we felt it was the bride's parents who should make the main contribution (especially the DIL who wanted a big, splashy wedding we couldn't have afforded if we wanted too) but we gave our son's money to help them have a really good honeymoon.

We didn't resent anybody not giving money, we did raise our eyebrows when they offered nothing but criticism.

ClarabelleB · 30/12/2016 05:50

Yabu

ClarabelleB · 30/12/2016 05:54

YABU don't judge them they may not have the money, we can assume people have money but appearances can be deceiving.

CursesAndBalderdash · 30/12/2016 08:03

My parents made a significant contribution to our wedding, which was a fairly small, simple day. They paid more than we did, at their insistence, and my mum volunteered to do lots of crafts. This was not expected, but gratefully received. They showed an interest in our lives, were happy for us that we were getting married and wanted to help us out.
My PIL showed no interest whatsoever. They are bitter, miserable narcissists who have never shown DH much love. DH was sad that his parents didn't show an interest- not because he wanted their money but because if they had said "is there anything we can do to help?" he would have felt like they cared about this important step in his life. Instead they said nothing about our wedding for the 11 months we were engaged, never asked about plans, and on the day it felt really awkward that the only genuine thanks we could give in the speeches was to my parents, because to stand there and thank DH's parents and as someone else put it "give them equal footing" to my parents would have seemed totally disingenuous. They sat with faces like slapped arses all day whilst the rest of our friends and family had a lovely day!

winefixeswhine · 30/12/2016 09:39

Yanbu I'd be really surprised if parents didn't offer even a little contribution like buying the cake. Aibu is a parallel universe to mine 😂

bossyrossy · 30/12/2016 12:37

YANBU. We paid for our daughters wedding but made contributions to the weddings of our sons. i think if you look at etiquet websites they suggest that the grooms parents should offer to pay for the brides bouquet but maybe if they dont want to make a financial contribution they could help in a practical way? Its not the money its the lack of interest that would upset me.

LadyVampire · 30/12/2016 14:31

I don't think contributing to the wedding = say in thr day. Money should be given freely if wanted not to buy a say in the day. Money is offered freely if parents want and any input from parents is up to the couple.

SmellyChristmasCandles · 30/12/2016 18:30

Firstly, well done OP, for accepting yabu. I don't understand why anyone would treat your in-laws differenty (or put them on a different footing) because they haven't contributed financially.

Secondly, and more generally, I am always amused at the discussion about who 'traditionally ' pays for a wedding. The bride's parents tended to bear much if the expense at a time when women still lived at home with parents prior to marriage, didn't already have children and often weren't earning at the same level as their partners even if they were in the same job.
FWIW, dh and I paid for our own wedding in the early 80's, my dparents paid for theirs in the 50's as my gps didn't approve and dh's parents paid for their own, also in the 50's as MILs parents died in the war. I also know that my grandparents paid for most of their wedding in the 30's as her parents were just not in a position to do so.

I don't understand why anyone would cling to this 'traditional 'when the world has moved on so much what with equality etc.

Have a lovely day of and good luck with the Ivf

Whathaveilost · 31/12/2016 01:38

I am completely baffled why fully grownadults in this day and age want or expect their parents to pay towards a wedding. Crazy!

I thought it was mad 26 years ago when I got married and wouldn't accept money from either side. I wanted everyone to relax and have a great time, which they did.

Benedikte2 · 31/12/2016 21:42

OP I don't think your wish that PIL show they are interested is unreasonable. Your wedding is budgeted to be within your means and I hope it is the happy occasion you are hoping for.
Your Fiance is fortunate to have someone who just wants the best for him from his family.
I hope your future together is great and brings you all that you wish for.
Good luck

Bananabread123 · 31/12/2016 21:57

I thought it was mad 26 years ago when I got married and wouldn't accept money from either side.

I can understand why you wouldn't expect parents to contribute, but unless the parents will be making demands I don't understand why you wouldn't accept a gift from your parents..... especially in the world we now live in where the wealth is concentrated in the older generations with their mortgage-free houses and gold-plated pensions, and young people are struggling to get on the property ladder, laden with student debt and little or no pension plan.

BackforGood · 01/01/2017 15:59

Nor can i see a correlation between accepting / not accepting any help from parents, and everyone being able to relax and enjoy themselves Confused

Whathaveilost · 01/01/2017 21:48

Nor can i see a correlation between accepting / not accepting any help from parents, and everyone being able to relax and enjoy themselves

Well the OP has already got her knickers in a twist over who has offered money and who hasn't.

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