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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 29/12/2016 18:39

It is your wedding, your choice mumto2two but many parents want to help with costs and it might be unkind to reject their offer - as long as it didn't come with huge strings attached. We'll want to help and I hope I can be involved in planning and shopping but that isn't because we are giving money, it will be because we love our children and want to support them at this special time.

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 29/12/2016 18:41

Did you actually get a cake jas Shock

Sunnymeg · 29/12/2016 18:48

YABU. They may very well give you some money after or at the big day. My parents paid for the whole wedding as was traditional then. My PIL gave us a substantial (to them) cheque when we got back from honeymoon, which made a huge difference as we had just moved in to our first home together.

MissSeventies · 29/12/2016 18:49

Bertrand Russell in my case that is exaclty what I am saying. I do not think it was right for FIL to take praise and thanks for putting on a wonderful day when my parents had contributed upwards of 6k and him not a shilling. You may disagree, but that is how I feel.

Sunnymeg · 29/12/2016 18:54

YABU, you don't know what they are planning to do. My parents paid for the whole of our wedding as was traditional when I got married. My PIL gave us some money when we returned home from honeymoon. It made all the difference to our first year of married life. They didn't give it to us earlier as they didn't want it swallowed up by wedding things.

Mind you things have changed , I remember friends and relatives donating old furniture to give us something to put in our first home. I doubt that happens very often today.

Sunnymeg · 29/12/2016 18:55

Whoops jobs idea what happened there!

Jas2004 · 29/12/2016 19:07

Leanin, we had a delicious chocolate cake. X

Rattusn · 29/12/2016 19:09

Yabu to expect it, while it would be nice.

Otoh if they are not paying towards the wedding they cannot expect any say in the day and who is/is not invited. You can see this as a positive.

What peeved me off was when a relative contributed nothing financially, but wanted full control of the day and the guest list.

Blankuser1992 · 29/12/2016 19:16

Pay for your own wedding 😂 How entitled

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 19:19

Yeh I have to say you shouldn't expect them to contribute at all.

It is traditionally the brides parents who pay for the wedding, if not, you and your fiancee should be paying for your own anyway and they probably don't want to seem as though they are interfering.

Focus on planning a lovely day and enjoying it. Its a day about two families coming together and you marrying your other half. Not who contributed what!

Postchildrenpregranny · 29/12/2016 19:20

Haven't read ft but I should think your future MIL would be delighted to be asked to mastermind the cake. Friend of mine was so concerned not to tread on.anyone's toes but loved it when her future DIL asked her to do it .It was beautiful and I know she paid for the ingredients
I have daughters . Having paid for their further education we joke we won't be paying for any weddings but I expect in.the event we will contribute if only to cover the cost of inviting friends of ours who ,obviously,will have known them probably from birth,but who might not have been top of their guest list .I dont think its unreasonable for both sets of parents to do this .?

Jas2004 · 29/12/2016 19:30

Leanin, we had a delicious chocolate cake. X

Mamafaery · 29/12/2016 19:38

I don't think YABU. You've acknowledged that it's wrong to expect it. But I don't think you're wrong to have feelings. Not contributing towards the wedding in any way strikes me as weird. I can't go to my brothers wedding for multiple reasons, I'm skint but I'm going to make some party favours for the guest. I'm crafty and I know where to buy things cheaply that will look nice, so I can make some nice bundles with flower petals and chocolates etc. It's just showing an effort. Not that I think they 'should' pay towards your wedding, I just think it's weird that they don't want to or haven't at all. Even if it was buying some flowers for the ceremony or some wine for the guests etc.

But I guess as others said, you don't know their finances and you can't possibly know if they can comfortably afford it or not. It's like turning up to a wedding without a gift, I just find it a bit...odd.

I think providing that you accept that they are in no way obliged to pay anything and aren't going to treat them badly as a result, you're not being unreasonable to find it weird that they're not contributing at all or to be upset that they're not.

Beebeeeight · 29/12/2016 19:43

Since when did grooms' parents pay for weddings?

Brides' parents pay then get to do the giving away/speech.

nursy1 · 29/12/2016 20:09

No I don't think you are being unreasonable.
My daughter got married tis year. We paid for all the basics, we are not that wealthy so it was pared back as much as possible. She and her fiancé paid for all the extras. His parents asked if they could pay for the flowers which was very welcome.
Maybe I'm old fashioned but we definately felt it was our cost. A wedding is not just another party. It's a family event after all that brings all the generations of both families together.

Phantommagic · 29/12/2016 20:18

I can't believe so many people, in 2016, are saying it's the bride's family who pay. I think it is down to bride and groom to pay but contributions are kind and helpful. Many parents like to have some say in choosing food and guests and I think a financial contribution gives them some rights to that.

Postchildrenpregranny · 29/12/2016 20:27

And unless you are 18 and living at home I think the 'giving away'is symbolic these days ?
My daughters have said if anyone is walking them down the aisle/giving them away it will be mum and dad
And DD 1 says anyone who asks her father for permission to marry her will be rejected by her ...
The point being that it may have been traditional for the bride's parents to pay,but in this day and age when she and the groom are likely to be living together in a house they are buying ,may have children together ...surely this is one convention most people ignore

caringcarer · 29/12/2016 20:27

You are not being grabby. Of course you are disappointed and I believe the reason for this is that you love your fiancé and don't like to think of his DM not treating him equally to his sisters. You probably also suspect if it was one of his sisters then they would offer help. I think that is what is eating away in your unconscious. In your position I may feel the same. If they do ask to add to the guest list you would be quite within rights to agree providing they cover additional cost. It could be they will help with deposit for house my sister paid towards daughters wedding but gave sons equal amount towards deposit for house.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 20:34

caring If people choose to give money to the couple then great but the entitled attitude of several posters on here is a sure fire way of guaranteeing less generosity.

It's nothing to do with equal treatment for the DP, it's about being grabby. This thread is even worse than wedding poems demanding money Grin

Perhaps OP should actually uninvite the MIL - that way she won't have the stress of having to be civil on the day.

Can't wait to see the 'My DIL is grabby and entitled' thread from the MIL'

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 20:37

In fact my ticket idea is looking more sensible by the minute. If you charge everyone an amount from say £100 per head for top table tickets, down to £20 for a manky left over sandwich, the wedding is paid for - job done Grin

Or get the guests to all wear badges showing how much they have contributed, so the other
guests will know who to shun....

MissSeventies · 29/12/2016 20:42

I too find it strange that in 2016 comments are being made that it is the bride's family's cost to bear. I think it depends on where you are in life when you get married. If you are young, just out of uni, living at home, not living together etc then it is not unreasonable to expect some contribution from parents, but if so it should be on an equal footing. If you are older, mid thirties.onwards, own a home, or two, then I would expect you pay for most yourself. That said if nothing is offered from one side it is awkward and you are right to feel disappointed.

mummylove2monsters · 29/12/2016 20:58

i don't think your being unreasonable- it would be nice if they'd offer to contribute in some way . I hope you have a wonderful day xxxx

BackforGood · 29/12/2016 21:12

Only read the first 3 pages, and this last one, but i think a lot of people are being harsh on here.
You don't sound grabby at all, and people's responses seem very different from what happens in my life, my family, and my friends.
Even when my parents got married in the 1950s, people contributed from both sides - much smaller weddings but very much still in thinking about rationing, coupons, etc., and peop,e all chipping in what the could offer.
By the time I and most of my peers got married in the late 80s, early 90s, it seemed fairly traditnal that brides parents contributed the bulk (according to if they were able), but grooms family would always contribute something (maybe the mens suits for example, or the buffet in the evening).
None of my dc are married yet, but I will offer all 3 (yes, ds and dds) similar amounts towards their own weddings when the time comes, as all my peers intend to do. We didn't pay the bulk of our own weddings so would like to pay a considerable contribution towards our dcs' weddings unless they happen to have come into a lot of money in between now and then.
Another area where ive found a large % of MN posters are on a different wavelength from me, and my life.
YANBat all U to think that his parents might want to make (even a token) contribution to their ds's wedding, IMO and IME.

cushioncovers · 29/12/2016 21:14

Yanbu I have boys and when /if they marry I would love to offer something towards it. I would feel awful attending the wedding if I haven't even contributed a little something.

Scarriff · 29/12/2016 21:27

I would be disappointed too. But it might be they are planning to give you a decent gift. Hope it all goes well.

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