Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:06

Thank you LottieDoubtie. I will ensure that family harmony reigns.

I think SquidgeyMidgey's response is the MN opinion of which you speak. The one in which you really offend/upset your parents by turning down the help that they want to offer you :)

OP posts:
cbigs · 28/12/2016 13:06

I understand op and you don't sound grabby. My mum is collecting large jars so she can make table displays and will buy ribbon flowers etc. It won't cost a lot but is a gesture of interest support etc.
Maybe they will do this nearer the time in some way?? Could you ask as in would they look out for cheap table linen or whatever to involve them more?

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 13:08

For what it's worth I don't think you're being grabby, but you're associating lack of financial contribution to your wedding with lack of excitement about your wedding and I don't think that follows. WE don't know about your future Inlays so we have no way of knowing whether or not they're excited but the lack of financial contribution doesn't prove they don't care.

Even if they aren't super excited by the wedding doesn't mean they're not interested in you as a couple and excited for your life together. The wedding is just a day, not everyone gets excited about that aspect.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:08

I didn't get 3k from my parents. I got 1k and we matched it. That is the entire cost of the wedding.

You're right SantasJockstrap. I have a terrible habit of focusing on stuff in order to ruin my happiness. I've done it my entire life. I will have to be extra careful I don't do it here!

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 28/12/2016 13:10

I think yabu. My parents gave us 5 grand for our wedding. Dh s parents did not offer anything. I wasn't surprised at all.

However, on our wedding day PIL gave us 1,000 which is a very substantial gift.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:11

I could try cbigs. We are having the reception round one big table though and already have linen etc.

We need something to put on table though. Perhaps I could ask about that?

My own parents are at the other end of the country, so can't involve my mam that much.

OP posts:
LottieDoubtie · 28/12/2016 13:11

Grin several of those weddings were cousins which does bump the numbers up. And maybe proves that I move in circles where 150 guests is about normal for a wedding.

(My MIL would have preferred me to get married in her country and had 250 guests... but she wasn't paying so... Wink )

OP a 2k wedding in London is extraordinary frugal I really don't think this is about money or grabiness and you seem to be taking the flaming in good spirits so well done! In the real world you'll work this out and it'll be fine!

HermioneWoozle · 28/12/2016 13:11

Both sets of parents contributed to ours, though we had kept to a budget we could afford anyway and didn't expect it. Sort of acknowledgement that the traditional wedding in some ways was for them as we could have easily eloped and married very simply if it we were only thinking of ourselves.

MsAwesomeDragon · 28/12/2016 13:11

Perhaps they are planning on giving a substantial wedding gift. They might not be either, that's their choice.

We paid for our own wedding, cheap and cheerful as that was our budget. Nobody offered to pay for anything, not his parents, not mine either. However, on the day, my parents quietly took themselves to pay the restaurant bill for us (just booked a table at a cheap restaurant, nothing prepaid), which was lovely and then gave us a cheque for the same amount they'd contributed to my sister's wedding. Then dhs mum and her husband gave us cash, and his dad gave us cash too (we barely expected a card from him as we never see him, so £200 was amazing). In the end we made a profit on the wedding, not that we'd intended any such thing, but nobody had offered to contribute to the wedding beforehand so it was a lovely surprise.

It's your wedding, budget to pay for it yourself and definitely don't let yourself resent dp's parents for not offering, they don't have to!

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:13

Wow, 5k!! That's an amazing offering from your parents :) As is the 1k too.

I'd never even thought about wedding gifts until my friend mentioned it last week. I think I'll just be happy if people turn up!

OP posts:
SquidgeyMidgey · 28/12/2016 13:14

I think SquidgeyMidgey's response is the MN opinion of which you speak. The one in which you really offend/upset your parents by turning down the help that they want to offer you I didn't say she should turn down her parents' offer, just that if they need more cash than they have in the pot they should save up.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 28/12/2016 13:16

Op yanbu I'd feel the same way as you. What does your fiancé think? Sorry if you've already answered that and I've missed it

QuilliamCakespeare · 28/12/2016 13:16

YABVU. Why should anyone else contribute towards your wedding? You're a couple of adults and it's not up to anyone else to supplement your funds. If you can't afford the wedding you want now, was a year or two until you can.

Holz657 · 28/12/2016 13:17

YABU when I get married in 2018 I'm not expecting neither set of parents to pay anything towards it and have already made it very clear

WellKnackered · 28/12/2016 13:17

I'm sorry but it's a very definite YABU from me too. I think you need to just have a good talk to yourself. It sounds like you will see sense 😋 You are not being rational about it. It's is not very nice of you to suggest that the fact they are not helping out is a sign that they 'don't care'. That's a bit of a warped way to think. I also think that the suggestion that you aren't happy that they will turn up and be treated on the same footing as your parents even though they haven't contributed really unpleasant. If you can't get over these 'feelings' then perhaps you should let them know. I would absolutely hate to go to my sons wedding if I thought his wife was resenting me.

The good news is that you seem to know that you are being unreasonable so hopefully you can get your mind around this and start looking forward to your weddings without any drama.

My inlaws didn't even get us a gift and I was perfectly fine about it. We were working adults when we got married and it wouldn't cross my mind someone would pay for our party. My parents gave us some lovely cutlery which was kind of them but i don't think any less of my Inlaws because they didn't.

BTW Perhaps they will buy you a nice wedding gift instead.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 13:18

We don't need more cash SquidgeyMidgey. We're having the wedding within our means.

My thread wasn't started because I need fiancés family to pay for gold plated doves to carry the rings down the aisle. It was because (rightly or wrongly) they haven't offered even a token contribution.

It wasn't about the money as such, more the significance I attached to the lack of gesture.

I'm fine with the flaming LottieDoubtie. There's always helpful people like yourself lurking amongst the meanies sticking the knife in!

OP posts:
dm86 · 28/12/2016 13:18

Im going to go against the majority and say your not being unreasonable. We didn't need to have a cheap wedding but I refused to get into debt or spend savings just for one day. Marriage is for life not just about the wedding day.

We didn't have cars etc either.My mum ordered and paid for the cake and my MIL who is retired and has very little disposable income paid for all the flowers. I didn't expect anything from either of them but they offered and imo it's what I would do regardless if it was my son or daughter getting married!

Aoibhe · 28/12/2016 13:22

I haven't RTFT but isn't it tradition for the bride's father family to pay for/contribute for the wedding? It's another tradition I hate, it sort of suggests that a woman isn't capable of paying for her wedding or that her father is marrying her off.

Perhaps your inlaws will give you cash in a card on the day of or after the wedding? That's what both our families did, neither contributed anything before it and I didn't expect it.

Summerblaze100 · 28/12/2016 13:22

I dont think you are being grabby or U. I get that for you it's nothing to do with how much they offer, just that it's something.

If she decorates cakes, she could have offered to make/buy the cake and decorate it herself. Nothing too expensive but a lovely gesture.

My parents wanted to pay for our wedding. It wasn't too extravagant and they are fairly well off. We didn't expect it but were very grateful. PIL aren't as well off as my parents but are by no means skint. They gave a smaller gesture which was lovely.
I have 2 girls and 2 boys and they'll both get the same amount of money from me when they marry (or just the cash if they never take the plunge). It doesn't matter what sex they are. X

SVJAA · 28/12/2016 13:22

I'd organise the wedding you can afford, not the fantasy one, and that way if anyone contributes, lovely, if not, no problem. I'm very confused by people putting so much effort/worry/money into one day, surely the marriage itself is what is important?

manhowdy · 28/12/2016 13:24

I personally wouldn't accept any outside help with wedding costs, and was going to suggest the same to you. But thinking a little more, when the time comes for my daughters to marry, if I can afford it, I will more than likely offer to contribute. Same goes for their first car, first home etc. I am sure it will be my pleasure and I would feel fortunate to be able to help.

So YANBU for accepting your parents cash that was willingly offered. You do sound a little grabby though expecting the same from the PIL and I am sure they have their reasons for not offering.

MrsHathaway · 28/12/2016 13:24

I think it depends a bit on how old you are: the younger you get married, the more help I would expect you to need even for a shoestring wedding.

My parents paid for our wedding reception, my dress and the flowers because it's what you do in our circles. They were then the official hosts and the invitations were worded accordingly, so in that way they weren't treated on a equal footing with my PIL. That said, PIL paid for the suits and that was their offer rather than our expectation, IYSWIM.

Very best of luck for your marriage, and for an enjoyable wedding day.

Verbena37 · 28/12/2016 13:25

Much as I regret having such a large wedding now, our parents on both sides invited some of their own friends.
They each paid for their own guests and we then paid the rest for our guests.

At the time, it was quite an expensive wedding (about 11k) but that was our choice.
We saved on loads of things......a friend made the dresses very cheaply with me paying for material, a friend of my parents made the cake, we borrowed a friend's lovely wedding style car and a relative took pics etc.

Perhaps you could mention to your in laws that your parents are helping to contribute and wondered if they would like to buy some champagne or something? I couldn't do it but if you really need their help??

SquidgeyMidgey · 28/12/2016 13:26

It wasn't about the money as such, more the significance I attached to the lack of gesture. I can understand that but there could be several reasons why they haven't offered- for fear of offending you your parents, that traditionally it's not the Groom's family's place to pay blah blah. Try not to take it as an unkindness, try not to dwell on it, and enjoy your big day.

loobyloo1234 · 28/12/2016 13:27

Hope you're ok OP. You've been given a hard time here

You know you ABU now anyway so I don't know why people keep saying it Confused

I've RTFT btw and I don't think you sound like a drama llama at all. Saying of the week on MN though. Enjoy your day. Sounds like it'll be lovely Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread