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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Rioja123 · 28/12/2016 12:26

I agree - I don't think the OP is expecting anyone to pay for her entire wedding, I think it's more normal for parents to offer something??

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:26

We are issuing them Christmasjolity. It's only a really small wedding (20 guests) so only very immediate family and friends.

Parents contributed, but it's still only a cheap wedding. I actually refused to accept all the money they offered as I don't think it's fair and we wanted to pay some ourselves still.

I'm really surprised at the posters saying we shouldn't have accepted anything. My parents want us to take it, they would be offended if we didn't and said as much. What is wrong with that?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 28/12/2016 12:27

They could be maybe thinking of giving you money for a wedding present nearer the time, so maybe they will help out - if I were you I'd opt for a cheap wedding with nearest and dearest family and friends and have a great time anyway - you could then probably save some of the money your family has given you to help you out after the wedding

diddl · 28/12/2016 12:27

So you weren't expecting money, but now that your parents have you think that his should also?

You could always say no to money from your parents or use it for something else?

user1477282676 · 28/12/2016 12:27

My Mum works part time only...she's 70! She does it because she supplements her pension with it! I'd NEVER expect her or my Mother in Law to pay ANYTHING towards our wedding. It's one day and if you can't afford it yourself, then off to the registry office it is!

Notinmybackyard · 28/12/2016 12:27

I don't think that you are being particularly unreasonable. I have 3 sons, two who have married in recent years. They have mostly paid for their own weddings mainly because there's no way that I could afford to pay, as they were quite extravagant and it wasn't expected or asked of me. However I did ask if there was anything I could contribute to, like buying the cake or contributing to the honeymoon. It could be that they will be generous when it comes to the actual wedding gift and you will get a pleasant surprise. As you say a token gesture would be nice. Is your partner an only child or from a big family, I guess that this could have a bearing on how generous they could be?

stella23 · 28/12/2016 12:27

You sound like drama lama, honestly you say you don't expect any help, bit because your parents have offered help you now expect you soon to be in laws to help, and you can't get over the fact they haven't offered help. Yet if your parents hadn't offered help or wouldn't even have been an issue.

So what is it: you expect financial help or not!

harrietm87 · 28/12/2016 12:28

It's fine to accept a gift when offered, but not fine to expect one, in my opinion anyway!

dingdongthewitchishere · 28/12/2016 12:29

I don't understand why people are so harsh on here. I contributed to my siblings weddings - not by a huge amount, but a little bit to help out. There's a huge difference between parents paying for a £30k wedding if they can, and someone giving you a small amount, even if it's only £50 or £100 to "go towards cake/ flowers/dress".

I hope I can pay for my kids wedding or honeymoon, but if I can't afford it, I will make a small gesture. How is that not normal?

OP you don't sound grabby at all, people seem unnaturally bitter on here sometimes.

You don't have to treat anyone differently on the day at all however, it's not like you are going to offer more champagne to one than the other. Just thank whoever needs to be thanked in your speech, and that's it.

SnatchedPencil · 28/12/2016 12:30

YANBU. Parents should support their children as much as they are able. Perhaps they are less comfortably off than you think, but there is no excuse for them not to contribute at all.

As you accept, they have no obligation. But rights and obligations are not necessarily polite or correct. They have a moral and ethical duty to contribute what they can afford.

Imagine in a few years one of them is on their own and is ill, cannot get to the shops. You would have no obligation to visit them, to do some shopping for them - but it would be a little heartless if you refused your help, especially if you lived nearby.

I agree that it is unfair that one set of parents contributes while the other does not. It is probably not practical to uninvite them, but at the reception could you "bump" them off to one of the outer tables? Perhaps you could make some pointed references to this in the speeches, "I would like to thank my parents for their generosity and contribution to making this the happiest day of my life. My have been very generous." Emphasise the "my" and give the other set of parents a pointed look as you do it! When making small-talk try to remember to praise your own parents and belittle the other set, whatever it takes to make sure that everyone is aware of how callous and selfish they are.

Don't focus on their rejection of you (which unfortunately is what this is). But don't forget it either. If they ever need your help, this rejection should be at the front of your mind.

Katy07 · 28/12/2016 12:31

His DM is normally very ott with gifts. She bought us so much this year and it was embarrassing because we couldn't afford the same in return. I tried to explain that to her whilst feeling mortified and she replied that it was OK and that she was "used to it" Even more embarrassed after she said that!
So she's spent lots on presents for you and (presumably) ended up feeling bad since you highlighted it with her, but she's now expected to offer a contribution for the wedding?? Confused Poor woman probably thinks that if she offers that will be wrong too and it will look like she's flaunting her money.

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 12:31

If your MiL wanted to throw herself a big 70th birthday party/retirement party would you offer to contribute financially?

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:32

Fair point about me saying I'm upset they haven't offered to contribute when my parents have and I didn't expect it.

Perhaps I am just unfavourably comparing them to my own family and that probably isn't fair. I'll try and readjust my thinking on that one...

OP posts:
DrudgeJedd · 28/12/2016 12:32

Yes op do what SnatchedPencil said Grin
Place is full of loons recently

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 12:33

SnatchedPencil lol you had me going there!

caroldecker · 28/12/2016 12:34

Snatched So parents who support children through university, provide a deposit for a house and buy expensive presents but don't contribute to unnecessary wedding expenses are bastards?

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:35

Katy07. What on earth are you talking about? I didn't "highlight" it with her that she had bought us loads of gifts. I mentioned it out of sheer mortification and embarrassment that we hadn't been able to afford to reciprocate.

Her response of being used to not being bought nice things was hardly gracious was it? It was pretty much her affirming to me that she was disappointed in what we had given her. I'm sorry but I really do not need to be flamed for that.

OP posts:
Notinmybackyard · 28/12/2016 12:36

My own wedding in the 80's was on a shoe string because we'd just bought a house and money was tight. We had the reception in our own garden and made our own sandwiches! Luckily the weather was fine although we hired a marquee just in case the weather changed. Both parents were working class, had minimum wage jobs but both sets of parents were as generous as they could be. My Mum gave me a modest amount of cash to buy a dress but said I could spend it on honeymoon instead if I choose to. I choose the honeymoon and went for a cheaper dress which was fine. We both came from small families which probably went in our favour.

Trifleorbust · 28/12/2016 12:38

What do you want to do, put them on a 'lower' table? Obviously YABU. I'm sure they would offer if they could afford it.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:40

Snatched Pencil. I couldn't do that! I want it to be a happy occasion. No pettiness. I really want to work through my feelings beforehand to avoid anything remotely like that.

I really don't see the relation to your child getting married and you throwing yourself a birthday bash. They are two totally different scenarios. I don't see why people need to be so inflammatory. I'm willing to accept I am wrong, but comparisons like that just have no baring on what I'm talking about.

OP posts:
VQ1970 · 28/12/2016 12:41

I don't think you're being grabby. It sounds to me like you're just trying to get it straight in your head and voicing everything out loud to help you get it straight.

They don't have to contribute but you already know that. It's lovely that your parents did. As their son, it would have been nice if they'd made some gesture even if it was to pay for the cake or flowers or toasting champagne and I have to admit, this would annoy me a little bit. Try not to get bothered about it, it sounds like they are generous in other ways.

But I would thank your parents in your speeches for their contribution. I know other people would disagree with this but I would show my appreciation.

Original poster
isthismummy · 28/12/2016 12:42

There's no seating plan Trifleorbust, so that just isn't possible ;)

Not that I would anyway of course...

OP posts:
dingdongthewitchishere · 28/12/2016 12:42

I'm sure they would offer if they could afford it.

That's the point, most of the posters here seem to disagree, saying it's wrong for a family to help kids with their weddings Hmm

Probably the same posters who charge their relative for Christmas diners or expect them to bring drinks whenever they visit. Some charming people on here

WyfOfBathe · 28/12/2016 12:44

Unless people think a registry office do in a cheap as chips dress is grabby?
In my opinion, being "grabby" is nothing to do with how much things cost - it's expecting other people to pay for those things which is grabby.

For what it's worth, my DH's parents didn't officially pay anything towards our wedding, but they gave an extremely generous (cash) present on the day. Maybe his parents are planning to do that?

Witchend · 28/12/2016 12:44

You "honestly didn't expect (your parents) to"
But you do expect your fiancé's to.
Does that not sound odd?

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