To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

[isthismummy]

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

Yabu I'm afraid.

The norm, going back in time, was that the bride's parents paid for the wedding. Yours haven't even done that (I think that it's nice that they've given you something and it would have been nicer if inlaws had of helped too, but times have changed).

Neither of our parents offered to contribute to our wedding. on wedding night we opened cards to find cheques amounting to several thousand pounds between them. account for paying for your own day, anything extra you receive is a bonus.

Neither of our parents offered to contribute to our wedding. on wedding night we opened cards to find cheques amounting to several thousand pounds between them. account for paying for your own day, anything extra you receive is a bonus.

I personally would never contribute to my sons' weddings. Reason is that I have a personal issue with weddings that I can't get past. I attend weddings with a happy face and give lovely presents. But I never had a wedding (for a number of reasons, partially my 'fault' I acknowledge that, but cannot go back in the past and change this) but I would certainly not be contributing to the tradition of the groom' parents contributing.

It particularly sticks in my throat now that I'm at the age when so many of my contempories who had gorgeous weddings are getting divorced now.

Call me bitter and petty but that is just my feelings about it and maybe there is a similar reason at play here.

Wow Crumbs, 7.5k. You are very generous people.

So in conclusion I think the best way to move forward is just to let it go. It was never about getting loads of money. I think deep down my feelings centre around the fact that I don't think my pil value my fiancé (who is wonderful) as much as they should. Their lack of interest/contribution has made that feeing stronger. I shall work through it though and not let my feelings impose on anyone else.

Thank you for the IVF well wishes too. We start treatment next month. Been told not to hope for much, but a post wedding baby would make us so very happy.

Why were you told not to hope for much? Age? Amh? Fsh? Or message me

You need to have have faith in your clinic. ESP if spending thousands

Yanbu

Yabu
His parents on an equal
Footing with mine, when mine have contributed.....????
Yeuk. Horrible. Attitude.

It's NHS cycle blondes.

Low amh and low motility. Plus I've just turned 38😕

Private consultation we had was no better. We were told IVF probably wouldn't work and we should use ED. So upsetting.

Really life isn't all about money. Why not turn this around by trying to really involve them in the wedding. Often the parents of sons are much less involved in wedding plans because it is daughter who organisises and naturally talks to and involves her family. Go out of the way to involve them. It may pay off long term and I don't mean financially.

This was never going to go well OP. Haven't you heard about the MN 'Who had the cheapest wedding' competition? . We still haven't got an overall winner yet but they keep trying. Any more threads like this and it'll turn into the Four Yorkshiremen!

For what it's worth I don't think you are BU. It's very clear from reading your posts that the wedding is sorted in the budget you have and that your query is regarding how his parents feel about the wedding. You sound far from grabby or entitled.

I didn't know ShelaghTurner, but I have a bit more of an inkling now😉

A bus stop? You were lucky. We used to DREAM of having our wedding in a bus stop!

Don't give up your dream!

My PIL's didn't offer anything towards our wedding or refer to the wedding preparations (we would have refused it anyway). My parents did offer something about 3k but we refused that in any case. After the wedding was said and done though my PIL's gave us a wedding present out of the blue - a check for 5k. It turns out that they didn't view their role as contributing to the wedding as the groom's parents but they wanted to give us a good wedding gift. We actually couldn't bring ourselves to take the gift in the end, we just didn't feel comfortable accepting that amount of money and we didn't need it, a bit of awkwardness all around there for a while.

Anyway, different families have different traditions and expectations. It might just be that your future PILs don't view their role as helping to pay for the wedding (tradition being that it's the bride's father who pays etc...). Not that I agree with the traditions necessarily - hence we paid our own way.

I hadn't really thought about funding weddings for children before now. When I had my daughter several people commented that I'd need to start a wedding savings account for her as well as a university fund. No such comments were made when my son was born. Most of my friends had their weddings paid for by the brides family in total or in part. The grooms family tended to give money toward the honeymoon.

Now you're getting the idea...

When I got married, my parents paid for the food and the rest we paid for ourselves and that's fine. You should expect to pay for your own wedding, any assistance a bonus IMO.

Yabvvvvu
You are assuming they can afford it. You said they aren't rich and you don't know how close to the breadline they are. You have no idea what stresses they are hiding or what financial woes they may have.
Catch a grip, grow up and stop acting so grabby and entitled.

I've not RTFT but I guess you got a specially bad kicking because it's wedding related. But the question is more about how to feel when one set of parents is quite generous and the other not. The same happened with us. My parents - well, my dad - have us some money towards our house deposit when we were saving up, but we've never had anything like that from the in-laws although they're better off. I think you just have to accept with gratitude if one of them wants to help out but not expect it. It may or may not be an indication that they're not that bothered about their adult kids, some parents seem to care more than others, but in any case as long as they're civil you just do what you need to to facilitate your partner's relationship with them.

And best of luck with the IVF.

DontEatTheSweets. I'm starting a wedding scrapbook just so I can look at that picture everyday😉

To the people still telling me I'm being vvvvv unreasonable. I already agreed that I probably was about 4 pages back.

However I must add something for the people suggesting my pil are secretly on the breadline. I really doubt that is true. Mil in particular had three holidays last year, just got a new (very expensive cos she told me) and is always commenting about how she loves spending her husbands money. Not that it makes any difference of course ( and my feelings were never related to being given huge sums of money. I felt the contribution could have been presseco for the toasts, buttonholes, anything really) I just object to people suggesting I'm looking to take the last meal from the mouth of a starving woman!

Thank you Toomuchtooold. I appreciate your well wishes

A new very expensive couch that meant to say.

Traditionally, the bride's parents payed for the wedding. Certainly mine did, and It did not cross any of our minds to expect the bridegroom's parents to contribute.

Things have changed, weddings are far more elaborate and most couples seem to pay for their own, though often parents from both sides contribute. You cannot automatically expect this, but in the absence of a contribution, I would think I decent chunk of cash for a wedding present would be in order. I hope you receive this.

I don't think you are being grabby.

"Traditionally, the bride's parents payed for the wedding."

How long ago are were talking here?

Husband & I paid for our wedding as did both sets of parents in the 50s.

" I felt the contribution could have been presseco for the toasts, buttonholes, anything really"

Perhaps they will pick up the bill for something at the time-unless they have actually said that they won't pay anything at all.

Actually, saying that we paid for our wedding, I'm pretty sure that my parents did cake & flowers & his did suit hire.

We are talking 1966, for me, diddl, but I expect it depended on your family and what was usual in their circlle. All my friends had weddings paid for by the bride's parents, and it is still normal for some.

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