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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
watchingthedetectives · 29/12/2016 12:40

For what its worth we are putting in a large contribution to DS1s wedding. He didn't ask for it and would pay himself but that then reduces his savings (planned for his flat deposit). We are comfortably off and can afford it and his lovely GF is as far from a bridezilla as she can be (looking at sample dresses/second hand etc )
What we all want a lovely day for family and friends
I don't think the OP is unreasonable at all - her first post implies its more about the lack of involvement and interest than anything else and I'm speaking as a Mil to be
The problem is weddings are a real mumsnet bandwagon and the same old opionions come out every time regardless of the fact that in real life things are often very different.

LottieDoubtie · 29/12/2016 13:12

Oh OP, I'm just back because I was wondering how the thread had gone. I see you're still getting a kicking.

Some people love to put the boot into other peoples wedding plans it's really not personal!

JJbum · 29/12/2016 13:39

YANBU

My in-laws didn't offer a penny towards our wedding but they expected to have a huge say in what we did. I made a huge effort to involve them, especially my MIL. They did offer to help with logistics for couple of things but then didn't actually do what they promised, causing a few issues on the day.

I didn't expect a penny from either set of parents for the wedding. My mum offered and asked if we could manage and we told her yes but she generously insisting on giving us some cash as a gift anyway (money she had to save up to afford). My PIL could have afforded to help. I definitely didn't expect them to at all. The reason they didn't though was because "that's down to the bride's family or the couple to pay for themselves" and that pissed me off. Firstly, they knew my mum couldn't afford to help, secondly they had help from both sets of their parents and didn't have to spend a penny and gleefully told me so several times, thirdly their attitude that they had a right to make major decisions for us anyway (which I didn't let them do). Considering those things, their attitude pissed me off. Years later the memory of it still does.

It is not grabby, nor is it entitled, nor does it reflect any actual expectations to wonder why a parent wouldn't/doesn't offer help with major milestones, such as a wedding, if they have the means to do so.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 29/12/2016 13:56

YABU they could be waiting to give you something on the day.

My ex inlaws gave me and ex a cheque for £500 on the day. We had paid for everything ourselves by choice. But this £500 was a brucie bonus and as the wedding was all paid for we could spend it on anything we wanted.

I'd wait until after the wedding then YWNBU to have a little moan.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 29/12/2016 14:00

YABU. Neither set of parents have to contribute anything tbh. It's your choice to marry and have the wedding you want, hence you pay for it.

Also I don't think it's particularly nice that you're attempting to size up your future in law's financials. Their cash flow is not your concern.

Sugarcoma · 29/12/2016 14:07

You are NOT being unreasonable! The tradition of bride's parents being expected to pay for everything isn't even accurate - according to Debretts groom's family pay for things like photographer, flowers and transport. Can your DP not raise the possibility of them paying for something tangible?

RichardBucket · 29/12/2016 14:17

Can your DP not raise the possibility of them paying for something tangible?

Why on earth would he ask for money? When is that EVER acceptable unless the money is owed?

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/12/2016 15:13

Hmmm. Logically ofcourse they don't have to pay for anything and are absolutely not obliged to but I can understand your feelings about it.
My parents/ grandparents very very generously paid for near enough our entire wedding, it was always a known thing that they would as they made it clear since I got engaged that they would be happy to and had been saving to do so since I was little. My mil at first offered nothing, fair enough, we didn't need her to BUT I felt very upset at having to treat her the same as my own parents on the day when effectively on that day they weren't the same; my parents had made a lot of sacrifices in life to give us that day as it was very very important to them to do so, so why shouldn't they get the credit for it? Be made to feel special for it? After all it was a very special thing. In the end MIL did offer to pay for the suits and the cake because I think that she started to see how we were both feeling; it isn't like she's hard by for money at all and my DH thanked my dparents in his speech.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 16:08

Trying So you effectively guilt tripped your MIL into paying for some of your wedding? Wow.

Like I suggested at the beginning of the thread, perhaps selling tickets to the guests could work - if they paid thousands towards the wedding they would have the honour of being acknowledged and if not they could sit in the cheap seats Hmm

RichardBucket · 29/12/2016 16:15

LiviaDrusillaAugusta At first I laughed at your post but then I thought... I can actually see couples doing that. It wouldn't even be the most outrageous wedding behaviour I've heard of. Not even the most outrageous behaviour posted about on MN...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 16:47

Yeah it was one of those half-jokes Grin

DaniRodwell · 29/12/2016 17:30

Neither mine nor my fiance's family have offered even 50p towards our wedding at all, and we've been together 10 years in July, engaged since Oct 2009 and saving since then for registrar! Probably won't even be able to afford a reception in any way whatsoever because I'm severely disabled and we are proper brasic. I think you should count yourself lucky tbh with ya.

Craigie · 29/12/2016 17:33

YABU. We were living together when we got married. I had VERY specific ideas about my wedding (extremely low key, very few guests) and neither expected, nor received a single penny from any of our parents. Frankly, I wouldn't have been able to cope with the idea that they felt they had any say in the arrangements because they were paying (i.e. Like in the old days when parents paid for everything so it was effectively their wedding/arrangements/guest list etc.).

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 29/12/2016 17:45

I think you are NBU to be disappointed. The subject could at least have been broached. If my DC's were getting married and I couldn't afford to contribute I would at least speak to them and let them know I would if I could etc etc.

I paid for my wedding to my ex to avoid family drama and control over the organising however exMIL monopolised the entire event planning. The only thing she contributed financially was the (secretly bought) bridesmaid outfit for her daughter - whom I had already said was not going to be a bridesmaid!

My parents took a back seat, went along with everything I planned and presented us with a hefty cheque as a wedding present. Bless em!

Deejoda · 29/12/2016 17:47

YANBU. If they can afford to, I would expect them to offer help. If they cant afford to help financially, I would expect them to offer other help to show interest. My DH's parents couldn't offer money so I didn't expect anything. His family (non-white Brit) made a big hoohah about wanting to help and the one thing I had left to sort, I gratefully delegated. They didn't do that one thing. So my take is this: just do it all yourself if you can. Any help, monetary or otherwise should be a bonus

LouLouLove · 29/12/2016 17:55

I don't think YABU, a gesture would be nice and I'd also be disappointed in your situation. Alot of people do have help from parents and I don't think it's unreasonable to be a bit upset that they haven't offered anything at all even as a token gesture to share in your happy day.

LockedOutOfMN · 29/12/2016 18:02

As LouLouLove, I also don't think you're being unreasonable and can understand why you're disappointed. It's not the money that counts here, but the gesture: they could offer to help you without necessarily offering much or any money.

Do you think the fact that they're divorced has complicated issues? e.g. If your fiancé's father has to pay his ex-wife alimony? I'm not saying this would exempt their behaviour, just trying to make you feel better and consider what their point of view could be to make them act like this.

monstiebags · 29/12/2016 18:03

you are getting married - it is a symbol that you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together - why does money even come into it ?
celebrate your love in a way that you can afford and invite the people you want to to share in it

Kmmac1980 · 29/12/2016 18:10

I'm with loobyloo. I don't think yabu. I think your points come across as fair and logical. Maybe you don't know everything about your in laws' finances but surely your partner would have told you if they were struggling.

MissSeventies · 29/12/2016 18:18

I think I am going against the grain on this , but you are not being unreasonable at all. Yes you are adults, yes it is your decision to marry, but lets be honest it is still often the case that parents contribute to the costs of the wedding and if yours are and his are not it does say something especially if they can afford to and choose not to.

I had a similar situation with my wedding some years back. My parents paid for half and us the other half. FIL contributed nothing even though he was well off. If I had to do it again I would treat him as regular guest and not allow him to take thanks for "making it happen".

In my case it turned out some years later that he did not want us to get married. No matter what anyone says here if you feel unhappy about it you have a problem and I for one don't think you are unreasonable for doing so.

Olympiathequeen · 29/12/2016 18:23

You have no idea of STB DHs family are financially and what their commitments are so it's very U to expect them to pay for anything other than a present.

BertrandRussell · 29/12/2016 18:24

So some people are genuinely saying that if parents don't pay they
shouldn't have and special role in the wedding? Blimey!

Giddyaunt18 · 29/12/2016 18:29

YABU, If they are traditional they might well believe that it is the brides parents that pay.

mumto2two · 29/12/2016 18:31

Have to agree with the majority here. Very unreasonable to expect anyone to pay for your wedding these days..loaded or not.
I paid for both my own, even though I had in laws who could more than afford to contribute. Your wedding..your choice..your obligation. Sorry!

Jas2004 · 29/12/2016 18:36

I understand your disappointment, I'm sure it's not about the monetary value is about the token of support. My Hubby and I had a meaningfuly small wedding to keep the costs down. My FIL was asked to buy the cake which was £105 (married 16 years) my FIL is a man of few words and he didn't say yes or no. A week before we we due to be married he asked if we needed anything and we didn't. My DH and I were very disappointed as he showed very little interest in the wedding, so I understand where you're coming from.

Could you speak to them of your fiancé talk to them?