To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

[isthismummy]

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

Pil both hate each other. Although fil is slightly more restrained in his expression on the subject.

Mil has already made a comment about not wanting to be in same room as him on wedding day.

Perhaps we actually SHOULD elope!

Wtf with all this couples pay their own way? When/if I ever get married I expect my parents to be so grateful that they literally chuck money at the groom. My dad at least. My mum ought to too but she's so shit with money she'll probably borrow the cash for her outfit.

I think that feeling may have partly inspired my DF KnittedBlanketHoles😄

Oh dear OP.

You were always going to be flamed.

YABU but I'd make a point of thanking your parents expressly on the day and mention their generous gift.

PIL contributed zero towards ours, my DM (widowed) went halves.
They did however, pay for all of SIL wedding and gave her £10k toward a house deposit ( we never got that either).
We expected nothing from them, from anybody in fact. But if I had a son and a daughter if I paid out financially for one I would give equally to the other.

We paid for our own wedding but both of my (divorced) parents gave us cheques on the day which were so kind and very unexpected. MIL gave nothing towards it but we'd never have expected anyone to contribute.

DH mentioned after our wedding how much of a competition it had been between my parents as to who could give the bigger cheque; much as it hurts to admit, I'm sure there was an element of oneupmanship about it because they are still incredibly competitive when it comes to money.

They're probably waiting to be asked for a contribution. Just ask them if they'd like to pay for the wedding you already have more than enough money for. Go on, ask them (and come back here and tell us what they say).

Your wedding plans sound lovely.

I think you'll just have to forget about your PILs & concentrate on organising your day.
They are probably quite jaded when it comes to weddings, due to bring divorced so might be planning on giving you a contribution in the form of a present nearer the time ( but please don't be expecting a present either just in case).

I think asking your future MIL for help with the cake decoration sounds like a good idea. She might be flattered you thought of her. but if she says no you'll just have to move on.

In general people can be funny about money so it's always best to not expect anything and be thankful when you get something.

Well MIL actually got remarried recently SittingAround and didn't even invite us!

But that's a whole other thread

It's a funny one isn't it? Some people have very strong expectations and feelings about how weddings ought to be done. One of my friends is very much of the opinion that the brides family pay for the whole wedding. She has 2 daughters both of whom have married recently and relatively early (in their early 20s). She and her husband never questioned that they would pay for the whole thing. They also had a massive say in the planning of the weddings. So that's one way of doing it.

My parents gave myself and my siblings a contribution to each of our weddings but we didn't expect it at all. They themselves had a tiny wedding that they paid for as both their families were hard up.

Personally I'd just gratefully accept but not expect any contributions and certainly not let it affect the way people were regarded on the day itself.

SnatchedPencil, I'm utterly aghast at your post, that you'd be crass enough and ill-mannered enough to pointedly make remarks about financial contributions - and from whom - in your thank you speech. Were you dragged up? Is nothing private in your family, financial matters particularly?

You'd presumably insult the family of the man you'd just married.... to make a point. Urgh. Contribution or none, I'd be ashamed of you if you were my child - and you would be on the 'outskirts' of our family yourself if I were your in law and you snubbed me like this. OP says that her MIL-to-be is generous with presents.

OP... my wedding was the same size as yours; we had slightly fewer guests. It came to £1.5k. If you and your partner can pay for your own wedding, it will allow you to use your parents' gift for something else. If so, I would. You are starting off on a very wrong foot with your in laws and it's something that should be checked now whilst you still can.

You're not being unreasonable to be a bit disappointed/taken aback but your would be hugely unreasonable to do or say anything about it.

neither cares enough to offer even a token

Not offering to pay doesn't mean that they don't care.

Marriage is about the vows not the party, flowers or cake.
I'm boggled at this comment. Yes, marriage is about the vows more than anything else, but it's also supposed to be a CELEBRATION of love and commitment.

You have a lovely day, OP. And good luck with the IVF.

This seems to divide people op so I hope you feel validated in your feelings by that. I'm sure it will be lovely and I really hope a post wedding baby is on the cards with the ivf too.

Marriage is about the vows not the party, flowers or cake

Oh ffs now Op is being criticised for wanting a bit more than just turning up and saying a few words, how miserable. There is nothing wrong with wanting a party, flowers and cake or anythign else and sharing all these with the people who care about you and you care about...you know, a celebration.....

Oh ffs now Op is being criticised for wanting a bit more than just turning up and saying a few words, how miserable. There is nothing wrong with wanting a party, flowers and cake or anythign else and sharing all these with the people who care about you and you care about...you know, a celebration.....

I completely agree. However, if you want a party with flowers and cake and whatever else, you pay for it yourself.

Marriage is about the vows not the party

That's not true at all. Marriages are a way for extended families to get together, and may be the only social events your grand mothers/ old aunties etc go to nowadays. Nothing wrong with having a "friend only" wedding, but in most cases, you invite elderly relatives, cousins and whoever and it's a lovely way to get together.

Sometimes, not everything is about YOU, and you make an effort even on your own wedding. Fair enough to only invite the number of people you can afford, but it's silly to dismiss the importance of a wedding.

Isthismummy -she didn't invite her own son to her wedding!? Ok that is a bit odd.
Prob best if you get on with things without her & if she offers anything then great if not it doesn't matter.
At least you're not dependent on the in-laws to have the wedding you want & they won't be able to make any unreasonable demands on you for the day, like extra guests etc.

I don't understand why you 'honestly didn't expect' a contribution from your parents, but are so disappointed that your in law's haven't given anything? What am I missing?

His parents really aren't obligated to pay anything, neither are yours. Just because yours have chosen to do so, doesn't mean theirs should.

YABU. Tradition is that bride's family contribute to the wedding but not the groom. My parents gave us some money, DH's did not. It never occurred to me that they would. We paid for most of it and whilst we were grateful, both families had equal status.

no comment about the wedding

but ivf, that is something i know about (sadly) if you are going private as i had to, then seriously think about and research ivf abroad, it is much cheaper then uk

Pil both hate each other. Although fil is slightly more restrained in his expression on the subject.
Mil has already made a comment about not wanting to be in same room as him on wedding day.
Perhaps we actually SHOULD elope!

It's the reason dh and unjust fucked off without telling anyone. My mam and dad hate each other, dhs mam and dad are iffy and then my lot won't like dhs lot. All the fucked up family dynamics mixed with alcohol, I'd not have had a good day, plus I hate any attention on me, and hate having photo taken, wouldn't change a thing we did.
I'd have like my Mum there but we couldn't do that without losing everyone off, funnily enough, my Mum was the only who wasn't oissed off that we married in secret because she exactly what a twat my Dad could be and that he wouldn't behave and him and stepmum would goad her (he has form) and my mum was happy as long as I was happy. Mil and my step mum were furious though! Their reaction just confirmed we'd made right choice, any wedding would have been about them and how they wanted things etc etc.

I didn't want any gifts from anyone, we'd been together for years and had dd and everything we needed, but mil linked the lack of invite to a lack of gift and said so herself. Stepmum gave me £50 cheque and said its less than my db got as she never got to attend and have meal etc, I never cashed the cheque btw. If a gift has strings attached then it's not a gift.

If you flip it around, no money expects but the Inkaws have paid but your parents haven't for whatever reason, would you then question why they haven't? Would you take it as a sign your mum didn't care about you? Would you struggle to treat them equally on the actual day? I dint think you are grabby but I do wonder if you'd be worrying if they cared for you if it was your parents or none that had contributed and why if you genuinely didn't expect any money from anyone, it's bothering you that mil and FIL haven't offered.

Honestly, use it as a positive, as if there's a weird dynamic going on (which is what I think is bothering you more than lack of offer if that makes sense) and they are trying to make some weird point, then she's done you a favour as she can't make digs in years to come about how your wedding couldn't have happened without her, can't emotionally guilt you with things like "after all the help we gave you ......" it can't be thrown back at you in the future.

My dad didn't offer anything to my brothers wedding, he told them that sits dad should stump it all because "tradition" it was a small but fancy wedding which my db and sil had saved for for years, Dad could have contributed easily but didn't all fin apart from he constantly grilled them about how much his mil had put in, or how much our mam had put in which db and sil refused to answer. He'd sit and say my should be doing a b and c, while offering nothing himself. Dad wanted a suit to match wedding Party, and was annoyed when my db said he'd have to pay for it himself, he thought sils dad pay it for him, lots of demands from Dad on how step mum better be in more photos than our mum, about how dad better be sat closer to them than mum. He almost ruined the whole day demanding to make a speech to thank everyone for coming blah blah, db said no, his FIL is doing it as its "tradition", pissed Dad off and he was stomping about the place slagging my mum off, calling db ungreatful after everything's he's done for him growing up, and just making it known he was pissed off and acting hurt and it's not fair that brides dad can do speech but he can't. He got his way in the end, as always. The inlaws knew what my dad was like and were lovely and sat at the back with my mum and I, I dint know how much they helped with money, or even if they did at all as its was never brought up, as it shouldn't be. But my dad expected to be treat as if he'd funded the whole thing at the wedding so I get the equal footing thing if you meant it in that way, rather than a they get less food and wine type thing :)

I'd try to stop letting mils comments get to you too and work on how you react to them as there will be many to come in future, and from reading posts on here, they get worse when grandchildren come, (which I hope they do for you). I guess I'm saying as long as you and dp are happy, then it doesn't matter and learn to bite your tongue :)

Sorry my bold failed and also sorry for longgggg post. I waffle on too much.

Weddings always cause tensions as two families try to come together to make a perfect day. Lots of toes waiting tomtrodden on and lots of feelings to slight.
I would say it was easier when tradition set clear expectation of who paid for what......but it wasn't. My in laws bought us an umbrella, nothing else despite being really quite wealthy. I don't know that my mother gave us anything but my sister paid for our cake. We paid for everything else ourselves, including hotel accommodation for our parents and wider family members. It wasn't worth falling out about.
For our own children we will help as much as we can, with great pleasure but they won't necessarily all get exactly the same amount of money. We'll give according to need so those earning less because they are working in public sector may get more. Those whose prospective inlaws want to help financially may not need as much support. One or other May prefer less towards the wedding but more help with a deposit on a house. We'll play it by ear but are thinking around 7.5k each on weddings and associated costs such as honeymoon but will also offer our house with marquee and the church would be free anyway. I'd offer to make bunting, do reception flowers and napkins etc but no pressure to accept. If say, sons wife-to-be wanted a wedding in a military setting, we'd be fine and just do money. If they wanted to disappear to Seychelles with a few friends we'd be disappointed not to be there but it's their wedding so we'd still pay towards it.