Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

369 replies

isthismummy · 28/12/2016 11:52

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him :)

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 09:07

A chunk of cash would be lovely TrickyD. We could put it towards IVF treatment🙂

I'm not expecting it though. I don't even mind if we get no wedding gifts. People making the effort to be there will be enough.

My issue was never about getting things. It was more about me interpreting it as a lack of caring and feeling upset regarding that.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 09:09

My DM's family paid for their wedding (in 1971) and DF's father paid for flowers and a few other bits.

I'm fairly sure that's the way it's done traditionally? Or at least used to be?

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 29/12/2016 09:23

You seem to equate love with money, thrownig money at someone doesn't prove love whatsoever.

hippyhippyshake · 29/12/2016 09:58

'Traditionally' brides lived at home until their wedding. Now couples possibly own their home, have a couple of children etc and then when they decide to get married play the tradition card of bride's family stumping up the cash? Bizarre.

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 10:04

Stop scrutinising what your DP's parents spend their money on (holidays etc) maybe nearer the day they will offer to pay for a cake or something....if they do bonus hey.

AQuietMind · 29/12/2016 10:06

This thread actually prompted me to sit my children down and tell them that when they are older and if they decide to get married that to know I have no intentions to contribute, they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to pay for it themselves Grin

Just curios though op is this your DP'S first marriage?

maddy68 · 29/12/2016 10:13

Traditionally the brides parents paid for everything and the grooms parents didn't pay for anything

Nowadays it's up to individual but most people now seem to pay for their own weddings
Yabvvvvu

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 10:16

QuietGrinI don't blame you. Tell them no 'expensive holiday' monitoring either during their planning.

moongirl123 · 29/12/2016 10:16

YABU. Same thing happened to us and I never even thought about it.

Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 10:17

I'm not "scrutinising" 1scoop. I'm responding to the suggestions that I'm trying to take from people on the potential breadline. Plus I only know about these things because mil is always bragging. I don't care what she spends her money on!

Yes first marriage AQuietMind. He's the first of all the children to get married. Same as in my family. Although in my case I suspect DF is just relieved someone is finally taking me onWink

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 10:21

1scoop. Can I actually win on this thread? I was asked how I could possibly know pil weren't broke. I responded and now I'm "monitoring"

Some people really are being truly mean spirited on this thread. Especially given I've already concluded that I'm probably BU. I'm glad so many on here have never had an ungracious or less than saintly thought in their lives! It must be wonderful to be like thatShock

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 10:23

Oh I see Op

It's just your Op and title indicates you do seem to care about how she spends her money.... The fact that it's not on your pending nuptuals etc....

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 10:24

AIBU ain't about the winning Op
Just the taking part Grin

blueskyinmarch · 29/12/2016 10:30

When DH and got married back in 1985 my parents footed the entire bill for our wedding despite not being very well off. My PiL only paid for the flowers despite being very well off. My cousins neighbour did the flowers and they cost very little. That's been the way it has been our entire marriage. My DP are very generous with their time and money and my PiL are not. We don't angst over it. We just accept that is how it is.

Candlestickchick · 29/12/2016 10:32

They don't have to contribute - I think that's been established and you accept that - but are they taking an interest in the planning or otherwise showing that they consider the most important day in their son's life so far to be important to them too?

welcometowonderland · 29/12/2016 10:38

OP
Just read the full thread.

Take a step back from this thread now and concentrate on planning your lovely wedding and exciting plans for IVF Smile

You've fully answered everyone's questions and responded to the mean digs.

It's obvious that you are not "grabby" but simply trying to work through your feelings towards your in laws.

Perhaps they are planning to contribute towards your IVF treatments, who knows!
Either way, enjoy the day and let peace and love prevail. Smile

Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 10:57

Not really Candlestickchick. Neither party seem especially interested tbh.

They are quite detached in general though. Fiancé had had a lot of mental health issues in past that neither really supported him through.

I'm pretty much planning everything on my own so far. My parents are at other end of country so can't be of much practical help.

Thank you Welcometowonderland. You're very kind. Fiances parents don't know about the IVF though. We haven't decided if we want to tell them.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 29/12/2016 11:11

So you didn't expect anything, got something and now you are pissed that you didn't get more from someone else. Bonkers!
I got married 26 years ago and got nothing from either side of the family. It didn't occur to me to be dissapointed.

diddl · 29/12/2016 11:23

" It was more about me interpreting it as a lack of caring and feeling upset regarding that."

Well yeah, that is an odd way to look at it imo.
If your parents had given nothing, would you think that they didn't care?

Does your OH think that his parents don't care about him because of it?

Original poster
isthismummy · 29/12/2016 11:28

Right, stepping away from this thread now. Really don't understand the people continuing to want to stick the knife in even though I've already agreed that IBU.

Thank you to the many people who have given measured and considered responses. I've enjoyed debating with you all. Happy new yearSmile

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/12/2016 11:36

Thank you to the many people who have given measured and considered responses.

In other words 'thank you to the people who agree with me'

GrinGrin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2016 11:37

There needs to be klaxons and flashing lights when an OP concedes because some posters just keep on missing it.

Hope your wedding goes well OP, make that your focus and not your in laws. My MIL didn't even come to our wedding, had never met me even. We get on fine but I don't elevate her. Do the same; if you can keep her in that same perspective, she will never disappoint you.

SantasJockStrap · 29/12/2016 12:20

Happy New year isthismummy Do not take it personally - the nastiness says more about those dishing it out than it does about you m'dear. You have handled some horrible words on here, with integrity and without resorting to the same level. PS you can ask MN to remove the thread IF you wanted

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe spot on

SantasJockStrap · 29/12/2016 12:23

I actually think some posters on this page alone, are responding to a different thread as some clearly haven't bothered to read this one

It looks ignorant and less than intelligent to jump in at the deep end without even bothering to read the thread up to date, and know the facts. Just jump in with a negative nasty judgments of a stranger based on the two paragraphs you bothered to read

Urgh there are some real skanks on here. Some skanks who probably struggle to tie their own shoe laces judged by some intelligence levels shown on this page alone

itsbetterthanabox · 29/12/2016 12:31

My parents are kindly contributing to our wedding.
Fiancés parents offered to buy his suit but are now moaning it'll be too much.
It's just attitude not the money that bothers me. They spend money frivolously but constantly claim to be skint (they aren't).
I just feel sad for my fiancé. They make him feel like a bother to them.