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Original poster

To be pissed off after neighbour's son called DD "a dirty bitch mongrel?"

185 replies

user1482840083 · 28/12/2016 07:36

My late father was Afro-Caribbean and my mother is a Latina originally from the Dominican Republic. DH is also mixed (half black/half Chinese), so my two children (DS is 24 – DD is 14) are made up of a diverse background. My daughter is good friends with the girl next door – she’s also 14. DD’s friend has as a 16 yr old brother. Yesterday she went over to the neighbour’s house. Like her older brother who is now works as a videogame programmer, DD loves videogames. She played her friend’s brother on “FIFA” and beat him. He called her a “dirty bitch mongrel” in response to the loss.

To DD’s credit, she told me she just laughed at the boy’s frustration (she’s that kind of girl – finds humour in the face of adversity). Fortunately, DD’s friend’s mother was within earshot and reprimanded the boy. And she forced him to come to our house and apologise. I and DH accepted the apology as we know children do silly and sometimes unthoughtful things. But when I woke up this morning I was absolutely seething – angrier than I first was when I heard what happened.

OP posts:
1horatio · 28/12/2016 09:07

for something despite not* understanding

bonnieweelass · 28/12/2016 09:08

his mother reprimanded him and made him apologise. you accepted (or your DH) did so I'd leave it at that unless it happens again.

He's 16 and racial insult or not, 16 year olds rarely sound sincere. He was probably embarrassed and that's why he may not have come across as genuine.

His mother didn't have to reprimand him OR send him around to apologise.

I've been a victim of hate crime too so I do sympathise. If they hadn't apologised I would have called the police, but they did and your DH accepted so going back on that could upset your DD when she also accepted the apology. Let it go for now.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 09:11

"I don't think race has anything to do with it, I've heard people call each other similar with no diverse background. It's probably the 'insult de jour' amoung his mates"

Out of interest, why would you think that?

Birdsgottafly · 28/12/2016 09:15

""I'd be wondering where he got that sort of language from

Really?? It's quite simple - School.""

Listen to any online gaming and this language is the norm, in fact it's pretty tame.

For me, it's the worse part of gaming, in regards to the effect on young male adults.

He was probably in 'gaming mode'.

He still should have it explained how bad it was, what he said, but he'll still be back online, using racist/homophobic/sexist insults, to keep up with everyone else.

DistanceCall · 28/12/2016 09:48

"Bitch" may be a widespread, mostly meaningless term (although I would smack any child of mine in the mouth if they said it).

"Mongrel", however, is much more serious. I'm not surprised, given the current climate in the UK, though.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2016 09:54

I would be discouraging a friendship with that man, nasty. I am glad she was very mature about it, but his true colours came out.

Mumzypopz · 28/12/2016 09:55

If this was my child and if I was of mixed race, I would more than likely be cross and angry about this, the more I thought about it. However I'm not convinced this boy meant it in that way or even thought through what it could mean.....Ie like another poster has said on here, it may just be a nasty phrase he has picked up somewhere and may be an insult commonly used amongst his friends, who aren't of mixed race. He has apologised, there is little more you can do except get angrier and angrier, and that's no good for you......Move on and perhaps next time they play she can beat him again.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2016 09:56

My dh is a gamer, and never uses language like that. The boy is 24, sorry thought he has 24, that's your ds. He is 16 not 6, so could hear the language anywhere, does not mean his parent's use it!

Miserylovescompany2 · 28/12/2016 09:58

So the boy gave a disingenuous apology, only because he was prompted to do so? Yes, he may or may not fully understand the full implications of said comment...it doesn't make the words spoken from his mouth any less of derogatory/racist insult to your daughter.

The boys mother acted correctly, at the time. What does she intend to do next would be my question?

BIgBagofJelly · 28/12/2016 09:58

I think it was an awful thing to say but I think avoiding the entire family is extreme particularly because his mother obviously let him know it was totally unacceptable and made him apologise. Presumably she also spoke to him in private.

He could have picked it up on the internet or at school and not really grasped how vile that language actually is.

Namechangeforsex · 28/12/2016 10:03

At 16 he knows what he said.

Schools do extensive work with this type of language. Racist language would mean an expulsion.

He knows.

Mumzypopz · 28/12/2016 10:09

Schools do extensive work with this type of language......Sorry, they don't at ours. Yes, it's wrong, but I think we have to take on board that it was said in anger and he probably says it as a common phrase to his mates....and he's 16. It's possible (but unlikely) that he regretted it instantly. He's a 16 year old, 16 year olds are usually idiots.....It would be different if a much older person said it. He's apologised, I don't think we can hung, draw and quarter him.....He's just an idiot who needs to learn from this and grow up a little.

Celaena · 28/12/2016 10:10

" Fortunately, DD’s friend’s mother was within earshot and reprimanded the boy. And she forced him to come to our house and apologise. I and DH accepted the apology as we know children do silly and sometimes unthoughtful things."

I think you have to let it go now, his DM has 'dealt with it' and quite well from what you have written. Yes its a nasty horrible thing to say - but hopefully he will realise that its not acceptable.

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/12/2016 10:10

Absolutely disgusting thing to say, sorry 'gaming language's or not (that's a shit get out clause btw). Good that mum sent him to apologise but attitudes like that die hard, I don't think I could look the boy in the face again and would give him an extremely wide berth. I'd also teach my dd to stand up for herself a bit more, laughing off insults like that is not admirable, because now he thinks it's an acceptable thing to go and say to someone else.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 10:12

"He could have picked it up on the internet or at school and not really grasped how vile that language actually is."

He's 16, ffs.

On other threads people would be saying that he was old enough to join the army, move out, get married...... but somehow he's not old enough to know that calling someone a "dirty bitch mongrel" is vile?

I see the professionally unoffended are out today.

Namechangeforsex · 28/12/2016 10:16

Really Mumzpops ?? Wow. The school don't exclude for racist insults?

Most school exclude for racist and homophobic insults, all the students know this.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 10:19

"Schools do extensive work with this type of language......Sorry, they don't at ours."

They should. It's a statutory requirement.Ask to see the school's policies. OFSTED will.

RandomMcRandomer · 28/12/2016 10:20

A 16 year old does not necessarily get his language from his parents.
The parents came over to apologise, I think that shows they're decent parents.

This. There's not really much else a parent can do publicly but make a child apologise to you all immediately. There's a lot they can do in private though. A decent parent would sit down with him later and explain exactly what's so awful about it. I think you need to trust that's done.

Personally I would be wary and keep an eye out but I would let this one go and hope it's a one off. Lots of kids sadly do get this crap from home but many more just copy their mates. He may not have realised just how bad it is. Teens are not known for their understanding, tact and diplomacy. I would hope that his mum would have now put him straight and you won't hear it again. If you do that's the time to kick up a fuss.

saoirse31 · 28/12/2016 10:20

I think the mother dealt with it and he apologised. I wouldn't be at all concerned re apology, he was apologising, made to do so, and was probably v v uncomfortable so doing given age and possibly also he realised what he'd said.

His mother sounds great. I don't think you'll aid anyone by trying to take it further, and I'm not even sure where you'd go.

Devilishpyjamas · 28/12/2016 10:20

What would you suggest then aint.

If the dd decides she doesn't want to see him again I'd think that was fine but the reality of gaming culture is that insults are thrown around. I agree with the poster upthread about that. It may be a reflection of the teen maleness of gaming as I have to say my son's well sought after boy's grammar school seems to be an even worse source of misogyny & insults. I've been shocked at the attitudes coming out of there.

All you can do as parents is keep counteracting it & keep explaining what is acceptable, what is going too far and what will potentially land you in serious trouble.

The mother sounds as if she is taking it very seriously and not sweeping it under the carpet - not sure what else she can do.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2016 10:22

I am so depressed by the low expectations some people seem to have for 16 year olds.

Most 6 year olds would know it was wrong to call someone a "dirty bitch"- even if they didn't understand the racial slur.

RandomMcRandomer · 28/12/2016 10:23

Just seen she asked you over. I imagine she wants to apologise herself and make you aware that she's spoken to him about how unacceptable it is.

Olympiathequeen · 28/12/2016 10:27

I suspect the boy himself is the cause for concern from his mother, not what he said. Perhaps he is in with the wrong crowd? The word 'mongrel' isn't a normal term of abuse (not that I've heard). There are far more common terms.

I would be deeply upset at the boy and would avoid him. He sounds deeply unpleasant.

RandomMcRandomer · 28/12/2016 10:28

*I am so depressed by the low expectations some people seem to have for 16 year olds.

Most 6 year olds would know it was wrong to call someone a "dirty bitch"- even if they didn't understand the racial slur.*

The problem these days is the rise of "banter" which means, especially with young lads, insults are free flowing and I think many kids just don't understand anymore the hurt it causes. I've also seen it get competitive with people trying to out insult each other. Yes it's stupid and twattish but it is a big thing right now for reasons beyond me.

Finola1step · 28/12/2016 10:29

He is 16. He knows what he said and what it means.

He was playing against a girl and lost. So he resorted to sexist, racist name calling because his fragile self couldn't take it. Poor diddums. He knows full well what he did.

I would definitely want to listen to what the mother has to say. As for the son, I would give him a wide berth from now on. And I would be encouraging dd to invite her friend over to your house more.