DH can't even look up from computer game...

[user1473602935]

Just got home from friends birthday

OH is playing a game on the iPad and can't even look up to ask how my ever

The difference to me is the sheer level of absolute immersion in online stuff

My dh has never gamed, but he does browse Facebook/ YouTube/ news sites with such a high level of immersion that when I try to talk to him he won't react at all, and if I do drag his attention away his eyes will be darting back constantly. He agrees that he is wasting time and feels jittery and restless after an evening browsing online, but still does it

If I'm reading a good book/ watching a film/ speaking to someone I will at least acknowledge my dh arriving home. Even if I'm at a really exciting point I can still smile, nod at him, make eye contact for a second, just acknowledge his presence. If he wants to talk I can put it down. (Once I said I'd like to read to the end of the book first as I was a few pages from a cliffhanger, he brings that one occasion up every fucking time I raise the subject )

To me that brief acknowledgement means a lot, a recognition that your partner is pleased to see you, that they have noticed you. I find it cold to come home after ten hours away to get zero reaction because my life partner is watching videos of kittens

Websites like Facebook are designed to pull your attention in and keep you browsing to up their ad revenue and share price. I don't like being manipulated by a company into acting distant from my loved ones

I don't know about 'gaming' as dh has never gamed (he used to flatshare with a gamer and watching him spend ten hours playing virtual wizards on a gorgeous sunny day has thankfully put dh off forever!) but the op said her partner was playing on his iPad so it sounds more likely it's candy crush type stuff rather than a year long campaign to capture an empire

I don't think the comparison with football holds up though. A football game is what, ninety minutes? Hobbyists tend to play once a week or less. People I've met who game will frequently do so for huge chunks of time several times a week - whole weekends can disappear into it.

If my dh was having a football game in the garden (if only we had a garden big enough!) I would expect him to acknowledge me when I arrived home, not straight away, but there would be time to wave hello within 5-10 mins. Play can also be easily stopped in amateur football games if needed. The replies on this thread suggest that several games can't be 'paused' and you can't take time out.

There is a difference between your partner sitting in front of you ignoring you, and not being home and doing their hobby elsewhere, because with the latter they aren't ignoring you - they aren't there. I wouldn't be hurt if my Husband was out with a friend in a pub, but if they were in our kitchen and ignored me I'd feel upset

Obviously each couple can make their own decisions how they feel about highly immersive gaming, but I (and I suspect many others) would find it rude and a bad thing for our home life

If you and your partner feel differently, then I'm v glad you've found each other

The gaming mentality seems to be that you exist in real life and in an alternative online life. Both being as valid as the other. It's pretty scary shit.

I think it's rude. Granted I am an auld fart

Would it be more 'sociably acceptable' to the non gamers if he was playing speed scrabble or speed chess online - would you then understand that it's not possible to pause a game and chat.

No, it would be just as fucking rude.

A game is not real. It is a game. A person (your partner) is real.

The difference with facebook is that it is at least a chance to socialize with (hopefully) real people who you already know. Football is playing with real people and upping fitness levels. Gaming to me is just pure escapism from real life/ responsibilities and selfish if done for hours at a time. In 20 years will you still be all proud of the progress you made on the game/give a damn?

you can't compare it to a football game.

Its more like a conference call.

You wouldn't expect them to do more than wave and acknowledge you, then talk to you when they're done or at a point they can walk away.

The people they're playing with might not be physically present in their room, but its still bloody rude just to cut them dead because you've suddenly demanded their attention.

Yes but a conference call has some purpose in that it forms part of your work that gives you a wage and ultimately pays the bills. The same wage that would pay for the shopping that one poster said her partner refused to carry in because of a stupid game. The fact these games no longer have a pause button suggests to me the creators of them want them to be as addictive and immersive as possible- by some of these comments it seems like they are doing their job!

the gaming mentality seems to be that you exist in real life and in an alternative online life. Both being as valid as the other. It's pretty scary shit.

Good point

I would (almost) always prioritise a person in real life over someone online

So would stop chatting on messenger to talk to dh
If a friend went quiet over a messenger conversation I'd assume she was doing something in real life and not think it rude
To me they are conversations you can drop and pick up, not ones requiring full attention
I'd say goodbye to a skype call if dh or one of the kids wanted to talk to me

Was this how people felt when telephones were invented??

more like a conference call.

I would still generally prioritise a conversation with a friend in person over a friend on the phone
I wouldn't drop the phone obviously, but I'd say 'I have to go in a minute as dh is home/ my friend is here' etc if the person wanted to talk
Obviously there are exceptions, eg a deep and meaningful phone call, an important phone call
But generally I prioritise the person in real life in front of me
That is generally the more meaningful interaction

Perhaps the difference is that a gamer would regard their game interaction as really important, whereas I think that a hobby that isolates one so much from the real world around them isnt a useful hobby

I enjoy hobbies that enrich and improve my life and I'd find something that occupied so much time, was so immersive and stopped me talking to people in front of Me would be a detriment not an enrichment to my life.
I'd feel the game company had designed their game to be addictive and monopolise my attention to be a successful company, and I'd find this manipulative.

What I don't understand with gamers is why they can't just lose the game they are playing. Just stop playing it for 2 mins! it's just a game. Equally look up from a book or a newspaper if someone is talking to you. It's jyst plain good manners. games are massive attention hoovers and make real life human interaction much more difficult.

Some people make money from online gaming. Does that make it better for people who say it's not a worthy use of time?

The people they're playing with might not be physically present in their room, but its still bloody rude just to cut them dead because you've suddenly demanded their attention.

If a game doesn't have the facility to enable you to pause and interact in real life, you need to think about why that is. Generally it is precisely because the manufacturers wanted to make it addictive, and that should be a big red flag. If you like gaming that much, go for one that does allow you to pause. In later years, you really won't care whether you won the game you're playing today. You may care that you missed large chunks of your children's childhoods and drove your partner away.

it depens on the game Super.

Something like, Evony, you have spent months and possibly money building up, and if there is an active attack on your castle, you have to be there while its happening to defend, or that MONTHS of work down the toilet.

Something like i do, which is essentially writing a story with other people and my character is central to the scene, or i'm the GM/Moderator who's deciding how peoples moves affect others around them, or i'm the one guiding the storyline, or i'm in the middle of having to deal with a problem between players, it needs my continued attention because otherwise everyone has to wait for me to do whatever i'm doing.. and when you have up to 10 people from all over the world invested in what's going on, its rather rude to just go "hold up, DH got home from his party and i have to ask him about it before we can carry on"

I can definitely appreciate the useless partner angle, about 10 years ago I used to play a much more immersive game where we had to be available for 2-3 hours on a weekend to play without stopping (massive battles and sieges). Some of the men are the biggest men children I've ever met and I don't know how their partners put up with it. Others would come on for the bare minimum time, play a couple of hours then log off after to go spend time with their families.

It's just about moderation really

What I don't understand with gamers is why they can't just lose the game they are playing. Just stop playing it for 2 mins!

With the version of speed scrabble that I play the moves are timed at 2 minutes and if it's a close game you can't afford to throw a move. If you play competitively your rankings matter. It's also important not to throw games.

I can always manage to say hi although it would usually be followed up with a 'I'm just in the middle of a game'.

Something like, Evony, you have spent months and possibly money building up, and if there is an active attack on your castle, you have to be there while its happening to defend, or that MONTHS of work down the toilet.

See, it seems to me that a game that imposes that sort of pressure on you is one that should be avoided at all costs.

Its really rude to interrupt people when they are in the middle of something. Wait until your DH can pause it, you'll have a better conversation that way.

The difference with facebook is that it is at least a chance to socialize with (hopefully) real people who you already know.

Gaming can have a real social aspect too though, I chat to my guild on teamspeak most days and they've done meetups all over Europe! No hobby should take over entire life, but gaming can be incredibly social.

What has the world become when a partner can't put down their controller, step away from Mariokart and give their other half a hi/bye peck on the cheek???

Ok. Some of you don't 'get' gaming. I don't 'get' being derogatory and rude about someone's enthusiasm and passion. I don't understand the joy of bird watching, trainspotting, stamp collecting, gym going, knitting, or a myriad other things. I'm not objectionable enough to refuse to see their value to score points though.

I see the OP hasn't come back... would have liked to know what game it was.

And you can pause mariokart. But if you're still playing N64 you're really old school 😄

The complete failure to understand games and gamers on this thread is very amusing.

Think of it this way. Your partner plays a sport - team or 1v1 doesnt matter. Would you opt to run onto the pitch, stop the game and demand the attention of your partner just because you wanted more than a simple hello without caring about the other people or the effect on the game? If you would you are tremendously narcissistic and rude.

Now, why do you want to behave that way just because you cannot see the other players or field of play? The effect is the same.

Just because you dont understand something does not mean you get to be rude about it.

I am really old skool, that's true. But sadly I'm not "still playing on my N64" as I have a dd do have neither the time or inclination anymore. Also I worry about the new gaming scene and don't think COD etc is suitable for an 8 year old.