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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to question bedtime in the UK?

244 replies

onemumtwocountries · 26/12/2016 16:48

I'm a regular but have NCd as some of my latest posts were quite identifying.

I recently travelled to my home country and noticed that babies/kids there go to bed quite a bit later than in the UK. Bedtime between 8.30 and 10.30pm (depending on age) seems to be the norm. In the UK people seem to put kids to bed between 6.30 and 8.30pm (based on my experience, do correct me if I'm wrong).

DH and I have quite a few friends and family in the UK whose kids are up before 6am. They often (rightly) complain this is very early and try various methods to keep them in bed until a more reasonable time (Gro Clock etc).

I'd presume that kids need similar amounts of sleep regardless of which country they grow up in. So I wonder if a shift in the bedtime culture in the UK would make for children who sleep until a more reasonable time? Or am I missing the point entirely?

Going to bed a little later would also allow the DCs to see the working parent for a bit longer in the evening (assuming standard working hours), although I appreciate this would eat into adult time in the evening.

My DS is only tiny so we don't have a bedtime routine yet, but I'm keen to know your thoughts before I embark on one!

Thank you.

OP posts:
M0nkington · 27/12/2016 05:10

We're in Asia where kids nap after school and stay up late as it is the only time they get to see their hard working parents. Also families tend to eat and SLEEP communally here so kids aren't put to bed upstairs etc. When my MIL comes she does the cat's bum mouth all the time at little kids out at 10pm. I used to be obsessed with routine, now I'm way more relaxed. The (British) school regularly remind local families that kids need x amount of sleep, and I'm told it is always ignored!!

Fartleks · 27/12/2016 05:11

I have one friend who encouraged her child to sleep 10.30- 9 as a toddler. My friend was so pleased with this and her lie in. The child went on to have extreamly late bedtimes as a teen. He's 16 now. He has always struggled with mornings and he can't even get his act together to catch the school bus. The parents have to rush and drive him in at last minute or he fakes illness because he's too tired to be bothered. He's not particularly independent and is very lethargic

mathanxiety · 27/12/2016 05:12

I am Irish and when I was a child I had a 6.30 bedtime, stretching to 8.30 when I was about 10, and then later as a teen. When we were small, my sisters and I were always fed, washed and in our pajamas by the time dad came home from work between 6 and half past. In summer we went to bed when it was still broad daylight. We could hear other children still out playing Envy. I missed the Eurovision in 1974 because 'bedtime was bedtime' [still shaking my head sadly].

My own DCs always went to bed between 9 and 9.30 from the start and when they were school aged they were always up just before 7 for an 8 o'clock start. Climate here (US) is humid continental - hot, humid summers and long, cold winters. We always ate at 7pm or a bit after (and still do) - leaving the DCs time to get homework done before eating, and making it possible for me to cook once the extreme heat of the day had passed in summer. After dinner the DCs helped to clear up and could read or watch a movie or whatever until they felt tired - YY to 'Playing, reading, dancing, drawing, playing board games' and generally amusing themselves quietly. I really value family time and eating together.

I never had a marathon session getting them to fall asleep (defined imo as anything more than 15 minutes reading stories, saying bedtime prayers, etc), and did not spend my evenings doing one bedtime after another. With five of them I would have had no time at all to relax after dinner if they had all had separate bedtimes, all supervised by me.

When they were teens they had varying amounts of homework, often a substantial amount, as well as sports and other extra curriculars, and could manage their own time/sleep themselves.

School was 8 am to to 3 pm daily for both primary and secondary. After age 10 or so there were significant extra curricular activities - sports practice and games - that took place in the evenings. Lots of younger siblings attended games to cheer on the older ones. We were definitely not the only family with children staying up until later than UK children might.

Nataleejah · 27/12/2016 05:16

In UK i noticed one of the reasons for early bedtimes is that adults have some 'child-free' time

Fartleks · 27/12/2016 05:18

We have one family meal at 5.30. Don't do kids meals for the kids.

Kids bed at 7.30. Asleep at 8

Adult time. I'm in bed at 10

All up between 6 and 7.30. I'm up first normally and get lots done first thing.

Fartleks · 27/12/2016 05:23

My childfree time starts 8pm. I usually do 45 mins of clearing away/prep. Then have some time alone with DH or chat to friends or watch a 15/18 or read or google, relax. Just a short window to wind down really

Ditsy4 · 27/12/2016 05:30

It is fine until they go to school. Many British kids do go later or have no routine but they either dribble in after the bell ( between 9:15 -11) and are too tired to function. It is a noting to have to explain the lesson about six times. When you want to get on with helping children. I have seen children fall asleep in lessons.

Artandco · 27/12/2016 08:23

5.30pm is very early for a family meal really. I don't know anyone who's all home from work by that time, so usually anyone eating early does separate meals. We all get home weekdays around 7pm, so kids need to eat and do stuff before bed.

Also even in the uk, it's light until gone 9pm a good chunk of the year still. On mumsnet there's always people complaining the neighbours are having a BBQ or kids on trampolines after 7pm and people moaning it keeps their kids who have super early bedtime awake. Where really there's still loss of hours of the day left at 7pm between April and September. We are in London, nowhere exotic, but the parks in summer are full with kids until 9-10pm

Fartleks · 27/12/2016 08:35

Most people I know eat between 5 and 6.30pm.

Artandco · 27/12/2016 08:39

Far - do people all finish work really early where you live? Or don't work? Mixture of both? I would have to finish work by 4pm latest to travel home, cook basic and be eating by 5.30pm. 3.30pm to be eating by 5pm.
Most schools after 8 years here finish 4.15-4.30pm also, so even kids are barely home by 5pm

Vagndidit · 27/12/2016 08:41

In other parts of the world, children are still napping until age 5, 6 or beyond whilst children in the UK are expected to spend all bloody day in school from age 4 Angry
In the US, although children go to preschool and kindergarten at age 5, "nap" is still very much a part of their timetable.

sirfredfredgeorge · 27/12/2016 08:46

So we have some people saying that the kids who go to sleep later (10pm), don't have to get up early, 'cos they don't go to school, or they get up and then nap. But 10pm-7am is a perfectly age appropriate amount of sleep for 6 year old, some will need more of course, but it's a range.

So why do so many British (and Irish?) kids need 12 hours, what is happening to the kids to make them need so much more than the norm for the world? Are their sedatives in the water?

riksti · 27/12/2016 09:07

revealall - in Estonia children go to bed around 8-9 and get up at 7. But, like a lot of people have mentioned, the daytime nap is part of the children's routine until they are 5 or 6 years old. So overall the children sleep around the same number of hours as the 7-7 children in the UK.
However, they don't go to school until they are 7 years old. So a lot easier to fit the nap in.

DinosaursRoar · 27/12/2016 09:08

Pluto - the very British bedtimes for Australian children is probably imported from British expats moving there! It does make sense that Mediterranean families evolved a routine that involves making the most of the best time of day, but the best time of day isn't around the middle part of the day for a lot of the year, for British that is the best time to be out and about so letting children nap is wasting it!

Sofabitch · 27/12/2016 09:09

I'm a morning person so it works for me.

I'm generally in bed and asleep by 10.30pm but I like to be up at 6am and that is when I enjoy my children most.

People are all different. What does it matter when people's children go to bed

DinosaursRoar · 27/12/2016 09:12

Just thinking as well, in countries where is more normal to keep dcs up later, when do they have the TV "watershed" (in the U.K. there's rules stating swearing and "graphic" scenes - both sexual and violent - can't be shown before 9pm), if it's the norm for dcs to be up later do tv schedulers have to put adult TV on a lot later or do parents have to be careful about having tv on later?

Fartleks · 27/12/2016 09:13

I'm sure how much sleep my children need boils down to genetics partly. Body types??

When younger, two of mine had to get a full 12 hours to manage. They take after my husband.

The other two could manage on less but we're like me.

Original poster
onemumtwocountries · 27/12/2016 09:18

Fred, this was partly why I posted in the first place. My DM who still lives in Italy doesn't understand how anyone can need 12 hours. My sisters and I went to bed around 10pm (later as babies!!) and we were all fine, did well at school etc. Up at 7am for primary and 6.15am for secondary as it involved a train journey.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemumtwocountries · 27/12/2016 09:21

Dinosaurs, if I remember correctly there's all sorts on Italian TV at all hours Confused It's down to the parents to police it. They introduced a traffic light system for a while (red, amber or green dot in a corner of the screen for guidance) but I don't think it lasted long.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 27/12/2016 09:22

Don't most Italian toddlers and younger children nap? So perhaps you were getting more like 12 hours in total, whereas here it's really common for children to have stopped napping in the day at 2.

Mine have never needed 12 hours, more like 11, but it suits our lifestyle to do that in one chunk rather than being stuck in during the afternoons. Much easier to entertain a 3 year old in the afternoon than the evening.

Artandco · 27/12/2016 09:25

Dinosaur - you just limit it yourself. There's loads of not appropriate tv on all
day in the uk now with sky and on demand stuff. I wouldn't let mine watch the news at all for example at there ages 5+, but that's on from about 6am. It's too violent.

The NHS sleep guildines for 4-10 year olds are:

4 years
night time: 11 hours, 30 minutes
5 years
night time: 11 hours
6 years
night time: 10 hours, 45 minutes
7 years
night time: 10 hours, 30 minutes
8 years
night time: 10 hours, 15 minutes
9 years
night time: 10 hours
10 years
night time: 9 hours, 45 minutes

12 hrs is never suggested overnight. For those younger than 4 years, 12hrs a day is but split into 10-11hrs at night and 1-2 hrs naps a day.

From NHS a 5 year old needs around 11hrs. Mine sleeps 9pm-8am which is spot on. 8am-7am or 8.30-7.30am all work. 7-7am is longer.
A 9year old only 10hrs, so if you want them to sleep until 7am at least then 9pm would be earliest bedtime. 10pm for 8am waking etc

aforestgrewandgrew · 27/12/2016 09:30

OP YANBU. It's not just about not having naps or people getting up earlier for work.

There is something cultural going on. MIL, for example, dissaproves and comments if she sees DC out and about after 8, she thinks it's wrong - even though she knows DS went to bed about 10 when he was still napping.

Nataleejah · 27/12/2016 09:30

What does it matter when people's children go to bed

I can recall a thread where having children past 8.30 not just not sleeping, but playing outside (!) is borderline neglect and somebody should call SS

WhooooAmI24601 · 27/12/2016 09:32

My DCs don't need as much sleep as 'normal' UK children. I only sleep 5 hours a night at most (12-5am) and they seem to be taking after me. Any more than that and I'm cranky and miserable.

DS1 is 11 and goes to bed at 10pm. DS2 is 5 and goes at 8pm. They are never asleep til at least an hour later and are always up bright at 6am at the absolute latest. We're just a family of early risers. I read somewhere that DCs who go to bed later don't do so well in school but both DCs here are very bright and do incredibly well at school. One rule doesn't fit all when it comes to sleep.

SocksRock · 27/12/2016 09:44

YABU for thinking that everyone has the luxury to let their children lie and and have a lie in themselves. I have to leave for work at 6.50am and the children have to be ready for school and in the car with me to be dropped at the childminder at 7am. This is so I can finish at 2pm and be able to get back for school pick up. This is way more important to me than a lie in. As a result the 4 year old goes up to bed at 6.30, sleep by 7 and the other two (6 and 9) go up at 7. 6yo normally sleeps straight away, the 9yo reads for anything up to an hour before sleeping. Also, for later life, I would rather instill an "early bed early rise" mentality for when they have to be getting themselves up for work / uni / whatever.