Trying hard not to cry

[BeingMePls]

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

She has worked hard to keep her marriage together and put up with crap from an immature man,

Lucie and that deserves a medal?

Or is even a good role model?

OP has acknowledged that her daughter has underlying pain and resentment throughout this thread Richard

I would normally assume that a 20 year old adult would be responsible for their own actions and therefore deal with the consequences, i.e parking fines. I'm pretty sure most 20 year old adults deal with the consequences of their own actions.

Why keep on, RichardBucket? Do you and Mindtope get something out of continually haranguing somebody who has made it crystal clear that they are really upset? You sound nasty, both of you. Go and find a puppy to kick and leave the OP alone now, you've said your unhelpful bit, a few times.

OK, so if you acknowledge the reasons behind the behaviour, why look for sympathy? I think you're playing the victim, talking about paying parking fines etc., when your DDs unresolved anger has nothing to do with gifts. It's like the "but we took you to stately homes!" Thread

Okay, well I'll bow out. I don't think all the "it was the past and your daughter needs to get over it" posts are helpful or fair, but I've said my piece. I hope things improve for you and your daughter, and the one really to blame for all of this gets what he deserves.

Being I agree councelling for you is a great idea. Even here you are all meek and mild and apologetic. You accept the past and what you didn't do - you do not need to spend your whole life apologising for it and spending a fortune trying to make it up for DD. It's not earning you respect from her.
I'm also wondering if you've spent so many years trying to protect her from her father and that's why she's angry you made him cancel the meal - reading (maybe too much!) into the text it seems she's saying you stopped her doing something with her dad - again.
Maybe all the lavishing wishing you were more like her etc on her is too much. Maybe telling her how you did it all wrong is too much. You now ned to forge an adult relationship with her where you make it clear she's an adult and can and will need to make her own decisions, accept the consequences for her own mistakes and realise she needs to make some effort to get things back from you.

I mentioned up thread about my friend. I had her in tears when her 12yo moved out to stay with GP. One of the things she mentioned is how disrespectful her DD is and how when she steps foot in her room she screams at her to get out. So I asked my friend why she was going in her room if it caused so much drama. Why not say fine, no one comes in your room but that means you don't go in others. She said because she has to tell her goodnight and I love you. I said just text her that because the need for that is hers and not her DDs. Then she knows she's done it and she doesn't create a row every fucking nighttime insisting her DD lets her in her room to say it. Friend could not get it. I said I couldn't help her if she didn't get her need for DD to respect her also had to come from showing respect. Her DD is likely to behave better if she had boundaries and clear boundaries. (Whole load of stuff but her DD is essentially lovely and hilariously funny but awful to her mum). Her mum though will take an absolute verbal bashing from her DD - but whenever her DD is in trouble (constantly ATM at school) she defends her to the death to school.

It doesn't help. Everybody needs to be taught to take responsibility for their actions. You've taken responsibility for your actions in remaining in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship - you can't spend your whole life being held to ransom by your DD (who is essentially also abusing you the same way) to make up for it. Councelling will help you find a better way to deal with it and create a better and more equal relationship with DD. You need to find a way to latch up the past without continuing to be the victim of it.

Being, I've read on your thread several times now that you acknowledge that your daughter is in pain. Please don't let some mean-minded, spiteful posters project their own inadequacies onto you as well.

You've had good advice on the thread, it's time to protect yourself now.

Neither the girl's mother or even her (dick) father are remotely responsible for her running up parking tickets and refusing to pay them.

Mindtrope-it was considered noble in the past. Its only over the last 20-30 years that it has been acknowledged that holding things together isn't always for the best. People do what they think is the best at the time and as someone said above you are showing a shocking lack of empathy from a very young woman who was being dragged down herself by abuse and whose parents seem to have labelled her the black sheep (perhaps because she was pregnant early). If only everyone was strong, perfect and independent at 17.

Richardbucket; the poor mother is also a victim of abuse here from her daughter, and to basically tell her to shut up and put up, is not helpful. If you can't see that, then I pity you. Immaturity is when someone comes on here to simply issue abusive one-liners on a situation you have already made up your mind about, without offering one tiny bit of constructive help or advice.

I agree with the person who said, she doesnt respect you because you give in to her. She needs to know your boundaries. I was the same with my older children when they were growing up. My dh took a tougher line. They showed total respect for him and walked over me.

She will come back to you at some time. The more you push, the more she will rebell. Leave her to it. She will eventually grow up.

How did your teenage boyfriend abuse your daughter? Was the abuse sexual. Were the police involved or social services?

Just sending a big hug.
Feeling so low and rejected is awful.
Xxx

Strange that all the fierce OP defenders suffer the same lack of reading comprehension.

As I said, hope things get better for OP and people stop posting ignorant things about the other victim in the situation, who was even more helpless.

You can only do your best as a parent we can all look back and think we could have done things differently.
Mindtrope maybe you need to stop . No need to be spiteful.

MindTrope She has worked hard to keep her marriage together and put up with crap from an immature man,

Lucie and that deserves a medal? Sorry, what's a medal got to do with this thread? She doesn't deserve to be excluded at Christmas, blocked by her daughter and financially abused by her! It was the FATHER who did wrong, yet she's happy to play 'daddies little girl' to him and treat the OP badly. NO!

Or is even a good role model? No, but you are victim blaming. Why don't you blame the 'abuser' in the situation? The OPs husband was the one doing wrong yet you, and the daughter are blaming the mother!!??

The amount of victim blaming towards women on this thread is appalling.

Richard-there are many posts that are not polarised-they don't say that the daughter needs to put the past behind her and get on with it but they do show empathy towards the OP and offer constructive advice. Now to this: "STFU you ridiculous woman and grow up"--who is the one throwing the childish tantrum?

Op you made some poor decisions in the past and you have said you are aware of these. I think if you beat yourself up endlessly you will never move forward.

You said that the relationship with your mother is also difficult and your daughter lives with her when she is home. How did this situation arise? Did your daughter feel pushes out or did your mother suggest it... bring her onside, I do wonder how much is supported by your mother as much as your dh. I think your family situation is complex and proper consoling would be advisable.

At the moment it appears like you are trying to buy your daughter ( almost new car) and continually rescue her, and not allow her to make the mistakes ( car fines) and manage her affairs ( car insurance) I would imagine this is just a small snapshot and these behaviours could become suffocating. She is pushing back ( not nicely) your husband needs to recognise this and stand up for you, you also need to withdraw step down your involvement, if she is unpleasant step away/ hang up the phone and let her make the next contact to apologise.

Yes she was in a very u pleasant situation as a child, some of which is your fault but she now needs to learn to manage her life as an adult.

Richard. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I ended my post WWYD? To be honest, I was 17, had moved out and also started going to uni and working. It was so hard my body physically shut down for 2:5 weeks because I was getting 3 hours sleep a day. This is not an excuse, just an indication as to how hard I really tried but I know I didn't get everything right.

I'm now sat here in tears because I do feel that you and some others have been a little abusive and not helpful.

I'm going to take other advice on board, look into counselling and try and different approach with DD.

I am agog at posters here telling an abused woman they deserve to be abused by their adult daughter as well as their spouse?

MrsMuddles. No no no

Being, I think you've been conditioned to accept abusive behaviour and take it on board as something that you're deserving of. You're not deserving of it, nobody should be abused - and certainly not here where you've asked for help and to be listened to.

Can you try to blot out the posters who are upsetting you and just take on board the advice that you think is helpful to you? The hurtful comments are just posters lashing out at you and aren't going to help you get through this.