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AIBU?

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Original poster

Trying hard not to cry

333 replies

BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 12:54

DD (20) has been really nasty to me for months. Everything that's wrong is totally my fault.

Her dad's birthday was a few days ago and she said she'd take only him, (not the rest of the family) to dinner. She came down from Uni on Friday so decided to take him on Christmas Eve. TBH, I was a bit annoyed as our family never go out separately like that and I thought her little brother would be a bit upset about being excluded too.

DH picked up on me feeling that way and told her that they should rearrange it another evening. She sent me the most vociferous text messages saying I "always ruin stuff for her" and she had only just unblocked me from her phone. She said she knew it would only be a matter of time until she had to block me again (which she has).

To save drip feeding, her dad and I got together really young and he was really awful (abusive) to us both. It's resolved now we're older but I think either she either blames me for sticking it out or thinks she can treat me really badly like he did. She also makes overt effort to call him loads, be super nice to him, ignore me and talk to him only. I've always been there for her, spoilt her, worked hard to give her everything (despite her dad refusing to contribute to bills, tutoring or things for her). I bought her a 2014 car when she passed her test and also paid nearly £1000 in parking fines for her.

It's all I can do to hold back tears, she's so awful and rude to me. I honestly don't know how to fix it. She didn't even buy me a card or present for Christmas despite being happy to take all the things I had for her.

I don't want to freeze her out but I don't want her to think she can treat me like that either.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 17:12

BeingMe - I think that, as others have said, you need to set some boundaries, and stop letting your dd treat you this way. The fact that her behaviour is rooted in her childhood trauma does not give her the right to abuse you now.

I think you need to write her a calm letter/email telling her that you are sorry for what happened when she was a child, but that you are not willing to be treated so badly by her any more. Make it clear that you won't be paying her parking fines any more, and if the bailiffs turn up at her grandmother's house, she will have to deal with the consequences of that.

Tell her that you want to resolve the issues between you - you could offer to go to relationship counselling with her, but that you are not going to be an emotional punching bag any more.

Then leave the ball in her court. Don't accept any abuse, but if she approaches you in a reasonable manner, respond the same way.

I hope you can work it out - it's not going to be a quick fix, but hopefully as she grows up, she will meet more people and get more life experience, and that may enable her to reassess what happened when she was a child, and see that you too were a victim and were unable to make the best decisions - but that you did your best, in a horrible situation.

I do think that teenagers and young adults can see things as being very black and white, but as we grow up, we learn that there are so many shades of grey, and that makes us more tolerant.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:13

Op needs practical help on how she can deal with the situation and how to improve, it not nasty spiteful comments which she can do nothing about! Talk about kicking someone when they are down, there seems to be a lot happening over the holidays. Mind mabey you need to step away from the thread if it is too difficult for you.

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:14

Aeroflotgirl OP asked what we would do. If you can't accept that other people would do differently than you advise, maybe you should step away from the thread.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:15

Richard what then do you advise op to do now! Can you give her some good suggestions on how to improve things between her and her dd.

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2016 17:17

Fgs Mindtrop/Richardbucket, OP appears to have tried everything to make things okay, all which have been met wit negativity. Nowhere does the OP say her DD was raped or hit - sounds more like EA, which isn't any less traumatic, but I really think you are kicking someone when they're down. She wants advice on how to sort out the matter, not someone parroting that she has brought it on herself, so has put up with being abused by her DD. Fair enough if that's your opinion, but at least follow it up with some practical advice.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:18

Op certainly does not have to put up being treated like dirt by her dd. I think they both need counselling, if op or the dad can get the dd to go, it would be very helpful for all of them. Actually, the whole family could benefit from counselling.

Mindtrope · 26/12/2016 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:19

I would stop seeing her as "awful and rude" and see her as my child in pain.

I'd also leave the 'D' abuser.

I bet those two things alone would resolve a massive amount of these issues.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 17:19

Richard - she has accepted that she didn't do the right thing when her dd was a child - she has repeatedly said she takes responsibility for that.

She can't change what happened. She wants to mend the relationship now - which is not going to be easy, which is why I suggested relationship counselling.

Hammering her over and over about what a bad mother she was, is not going to help her now. It is basically bullying a domestic abuse victim - and unlike Mindtrope, I do think that is shameful.

How about some constructive advice?

Or at least, how about explaining how an abused teenager/twenty-something is supposed to be able to make the best decisions whilst being abused.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 17:20

She did leave her abuser, Richard - the dh she refers to on this thread is her second husband.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2016 17:20

Thank you for that helpful advice Mind.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/12/2016 17:21

She did leave her abuser, Richard - the dh she refers to on this thread is her second husband.

No, it's not. Same husband, just that he's "changed" no he hasn't

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 17:22

Sorry - I misread - she is still with him. Apologies, Richard.

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:22

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius No, she didn't. "DH" is her abuser, who the daughter presumably had to live with for at least 18 years.

She says that on the first page.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/12/2016 17:22

Why does your daughter stay with her grandmother?

You said you were very poor growing up but your mother now lives alone in a 6 bedroomed house. When and how did that change?

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:23

Cross-post.

I wonder how all the "daughter should get over it" posts think she can learn that abuse isn't okay when her mother is still with the abuser and has taught her that he's a good father figure and husband?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2016 17:23

I see that Richard and I corrected myself and apologised as soon as I did.

PeteSwotatoes · 26/12/2016 17:24

Your DD doesn't respect you because you stayed with an abuser rather than leave and keep her safe.

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2016 17:26

It really is a shame that someone comes on MN for advice and help on how to deal with an abusive DD, and is met by abuse by the very people she is asking for advice from. Please richardbucket/mindtrope, never put yourself forward to join the Samaritans or a similar help group, as I fear the pair of you could destroy their reputation in just one call. OP, just take the really helpful advice from this thread, of which there has been a lot, and the rest of the comments? Put down to the fact that maybe they had a pretty crappy Christmas and have come on here to release their frustrations.

LucieLucie · 26/12/2016 17:27

MindTrope you are being a massive dick and are being abusive as well as projecting your issues massively onto the situation.

The OP has NOT failed. She has worked hard to keep her marriage together and put up with crap from an immature man, who has now grown up and has changed. Their daughter enjoys a good relationship with him but victimises the OP.

There is no mention of their being any physical or sexual abuse towards either the OP or her daughter so I think you should apologise MindTrope.

OP stated this was the extent of the 'abuse' Whattodo- screaming, shouting, fighting, staying out all night/weekend, not paying bills (meaning I had to cover everything lots of months/years). Hasn't been that way for years though...

OP, you are a good person and have tried your best. Please believe me when I tell you that your daughter won't change her attitude and behaviour towards you unless YOU change your response. My sister is a '38 yo leech' to out parents and always has been. They enable her, she is abusive, selfish, never pays a penny in board and treats them so badly. They let her, they don't challenge her, she still does it.

Your daughter is 20. Stop it now.

Let her go for now. See how your husband supports you in this, after all these difficult years he owes you some loyalty at least.

Oh, and dont worry about her debts. Bailiffs cannot remove goods belonging to your mum. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to expose her to the reality of HER poor decision making.

Be kind to yourself. Flowers

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:27

Exactly PeteSwotatoes. And that's what I (and I think Mind and others) are saying. We're not "beating her up" about the past to be cruel, but because she doesn't seem to get that the root of her daughter's issues are not that she's an awful person, but that she has massive unresolved pain and resentment. Until that's acknowledged, it isn't going to get better.

In fact I don't think it will EVER get better until OP leaves their abuser. Everyone brushing the past under the carpet is saying this man's abusive "Past" (yeah right) should be forgiven, and the daughter should magically forget about it and not be affected by it.

wishiknweitall · 26/12/2016 17:28

Mindtrope-you are being very abusive and have nothing constructive to say. OP is not the same person as the person you seem to feel extremely angry towards and would like to hurt. She was very young and tried to meet her responsibilities as best she could-working hard, providing for her daughter etc. The prevailing advice 20+ years ago was to try to put a brave face on and keep the family together. OP is now questioning what she did but can't change the past.

Also can I point out that in similar situations even where the non-abusive parent left this dynamic still sometimes happens, where the adult child sees the abuser often and blames the other parent. We don't know what would have been the outcome had she left. Also as her partner was extremely young himself its very possible that he has developed more sense of responsibility and better control of his emotions. The people heaping blame on the OP are fuelling her depressive thinking and inability to set limits with her daughter . Its very unhelpful to any prospect of their relationship improving.

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 17:28

Livelovebehappy This poor 20 year old sounds more mature than you.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 26/12/2016 17:29

I don't have any advice, OP, just wanted to say that my 20 yr DD is very similar in behaviour and it is exhaustingly sad.

Original poster
BeingMePls · 26/12/2016 17:29

Pete. Richard. MindTrope. I know I'm to blame and I think I came to that conclusion all by myself. I might have even inferred it on some of my posts. And yes, am very conscious I'm feeling the repercussions.

OP posts:
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