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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

206 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 21:11

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

OP posts:
BlossomHillOne · 26/12/2016 16:13

But you were quite happy to spend Christmas monrning with them in the past despite being NC -What was so different this year

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 16:13

We go in pjs to open presents and then go home and get ready! It's not that weird...!! It's so the children don't have to wait to open presents. Why does this seem to bother people so much?? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 16:14

We aren't nc with PIL? Just BIL & SIL... and only since the wedding. Previous to that we were very close.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 26/12/2016 16:19

I really think you need to back away. I know your dh is upset and it's understandable, but it's not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between dh and his mother.

Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh or horrible, but I really think you need to back away from a relationship that is clearly dysfunctional at best

Brewdolf · 26/12/2016 16:21

Is it not?

Prior to last year:
OP and family wake and instantly decamp to ILs. BIL and SIL aren't there. OP and family go back home then spend the rest of the day with OPs parents. BIL and SIL presumably see ILs later in the day.

Now BIL and SIL are abroad, last year MIL worked so no decamping to ILs for present opening. This year, present opening is back on with added BIL and SIL 'bonus'

BlossomHillOne · 26/12/2016 16:23

No, BIL and SIL have popped round at the same time in the past.

hefzi · 26/12/2016 16:25

My parents were NC at various points with various relatives: on the occasion we crossed paths with said relatives (funerals, visits to distant other relatives etc) they behaved with extreme politeness - it's the only way to avoid the process leading to unnecessary drama imo.

That said, I am still trying to undo the damage done as a child trying to understand NC: it has translated across all siblings as the internalisation of the fact that no love can be unconditional- in neither case was the NC unwarranted (in one case, it was relating to child abuse of a parent) but children don't understand the ins and outs of these situations, whilst simultaneously having more understanding than they are given credit for. Don't under-estimate the damage already done by this feud (Though I understand you anger over the wedding imbroglio) and the further damage caused by yesterday's drama to both of your DC.

DameDeDoubtance · 26/12/2016 16:34

Horrible stressful situation for you.

Try to salvage the best Christmas that you can, none of this is your doing, your in laws are wankers.

ptumbi · 26/12/2016 16:35

Jesus I do not understand people who wring their hands and insist that 'children need grandparents/aunts/cousins' etc. I am NC with my cruel father, and toxic sister - my dc have no grandfathers or aunts or cousins, and they do jsut fine. And have done for 25 years.

But no, poor MIL is 'only trying to get her children in the same room and talking'. Unfortunately, that is controlling, unsympathetic, and rather selfish of her. Her children have their own problems and rather than bulldozing HER WAY through it, she should butt out.

I can honestly say that I've never considered my mum's feelings in 25 years of NC - becuase it's nothing to do with her if I speak to my bitch sister or not!

OP - I'd go NC with her; DP can do what he likes, but the children may see her in your home, where they are supervised (not dripped poison at)

itsmine · 26/12/2016 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 16:41

As I've said, I know it can't be proved that anything is anyone's fault. But just the way they treated me while pregnant is deserving of an apology at least... do you not agree?

And it's not my in laws that I held accountable, it was my B&SIL. I am very down and stressed about my daughter, so much is unknown with her, and yes, I'm sure talking to a professional would probably help me. But I'm trying my best, and in this situation I would 100% forgo my own feelings for DH. If he wanted to see them, I would. I hate the bad feeling, I miss the relationship we used to have. I'm really not a horrible person.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 26/12/2016 16:46

You have done nothing wrong op, just suffered at the hands of your toxic inlaws who have behaved appallingly.

itsmine · 26/12/2016 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RichardBucket · 26/12/2016 16:50

Your mother in law's plan was ridiculous, whether it was well meant or not.

Regarding the history, it's one of those occasions where I think a neutral bystander's version would be very different.

Serialweightwatcher · 26/12/2016 16:53

My goodness ...... MIL is an idiot, whatever her reasoning - she knows what went on and she knows how upset you've been because of her son and his wife being complete bastards to you ... okay so they were miffed you couldn't stay as long as they wanted for the wedding, but sending nasty, vicious texts is just not normal unless they're a pair of evil gits which they obviously are - how can MIL, whatever her relationship with them, expect you to forgive and forget? As for the two shits, I don't blame you for wanting to stay well away and your DH needs to tell his mother to butt out if she was trying to get you all back together cause a further scene

quirkychick · 26/12/2016 16:53

They sound awful. We are nc with several of Dp's family due to toxic behaviour. It's the escalating, sending lying emails etc. that is particularly awful. We had similar with someone, also following a wedding (like Christmas, can bring out the worst in people).

I wish we had a like button, spartacus talks some very good sense about parents of adult children wanting happy families while not facilitating it.

Hugs for your dd, my dd2 has sn and I had very difficult pregnancies, I sympathise.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/12/2016 16:58

Try to turn your anger into a positive OP.
Could you, alone, meet up with your sister in law.
Try and put this right for the sake of the children.
You all used to be close, you can be again, or you you can carry this pain/hate around with you forever.
It is not a certainty, that they were the cause of your daughters medical issues, sadly these things happen, and people look for blame.
At least try, that's all you can do.💐

ColdFeetinWinter · 26/12/2016 17:42

If I was turning up to someone's house in my pyjamas for an excited Christmassy morning and they'd invited someone they knew I was NC with and deliberately hidden that fact from me I'd be fairly sure they were either insensitive utter idiots or plain nasty.

OP you have my sympathy.

It does sound like your families would be best not thrown together in any way at all. Its upsetting but something to come to terms with and either negotiate a new 'terms of engagement' or be NC

ColdFeetinWinter · 26/12/2016 17:45

Throw in the fact that the BSILs knew you didn't expect their presence and I can imagine how betrayed you felt by your MiL. She's daft to think it was a good idea

Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 17:50

I can see fault with everyone here...

I do think you know you are likely to light a fuse paper.. If SIL and family live abroad, it really isn't that surprising they want to spend time with them when they are over...

Re pregnancy....I don't condone how they behaved but I cannot figure out why you didn't simply block them and get DH to sort it out even if it was we can't go..

The consultant has said "could have" not will but your DD does have a genetic condition which does affect her..That must be really tough and much easier to look for someone to blame..I do think you need to get support for this. Regardless of what goes on with DH you sound like you need help.

I think MIL really thought you would all be civil and really misjudged it. I think DH should be the one who does all the communication as you are unfairly been blamed for everything though I suspect they will say you are pulling his strings....

What is your relationship like with MIL when SIL and family are not over?

gottachangethename1 · 26/12/2016 18:20

You not wanting any contact with any of them is your prerogative. However your dh and kids should not be stopped imo.

derxa · 26/12/2016 18:46

I am very down and stressed about my daughter, so much is unknown with her, and yes, I'm sure talking to a professional would probably help me
Please talk to someone.

TwoGunslingers · 26/12/2016 22:35

This thread has also confused me since the thread last year was suggesting you and bil sil spent time with your pil over Christmas, the NC thing makes no sense in your timeline

cunningartificer · 26/12/2016 23:01

This is a confusing thread and last year's doesn't help. If you really want opinions and not support, then:

It's unreasonable to actually blame in laws for dd's condition, whatever unknown unkind things they said or did.

It's unreasonable to blame them for you being in your pjs.

It's unreasonable to storm out and spoil present giving--clearly dd1 had not forgotten her cousin and it's sad to spoil that little reunion.

It's not unreasonable to be upset and disconcerted by your mil's attempts to make peace.

It's not unreasonable for her to want to make peace.

It's not unreasonable for your dh to be upset by the drama.

It is unreasonable to decide that what seems to have been a good relationship with in laws should instantly go to no contact because they've tried to make peace clumsily, in your opinion.

TwoGunslingers · 26/12/2016 23:16

cunningartificier spot on Smile