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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

206 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 21:11

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

OP posts:
DollyPlastic · 25/12/2016 22:06

I can see why you don't like them but can't see how they are to blame for your DDs medical problems tbh.

TwirlyFoo · 25/12/2016 22:06

What an awful experience. I don't think you are to blame at all op. I have a complete bitch of a sil so you have my deepest sympathies but these pair of in-laws sound completely hideous. And yes you are better off without them.

e1y1 · 25/12/2016 22:08

YADNBU - I would drop the lot, and would never, ever see them again.

If your DH wants to see his mother, that's his choice, and as the father can decide if he wants his children to have contact with their grandmother.

You - drop and forget them - forever.

NoJimmyProtested · 25/12/2016 22:08

Oh dear OP. I'd be fuming and definitely wouldnt speak to her for a looooong time (I hold a grudge me!). Can you try to mentally disengage and leave it to your DH for now. In time, it may become clearer what is best to do. Poor you OP, try not to let it ruin the rest of your Xmas.

RJnomore1 · 25/12/2016 22:09

Op I am not blaming you st all buf ivrwalky don't get your inlaws being medically responsible?

Itrynotto · 25/12/2016 22:09

Your MIL is an idiot. Up until today she was VERY lucky that she got to have a huge share in your Christmas mornings with her grandchildren. I think you going round there straight away in your pjs to open gifts is a lovely thing to do. She has lost out of that experience from now no matter what happens, I would guess. I totally understand why you left right away. She they had you on the back foot, all of them knew you were coming, they could gear themselves up for the occasion and make sure they were dressed up and ready ect.

I am not sure where you go from here with them. I guess you see how they are in a few days and if they realise their mistake.

bigbuttons · 25/12/2016 22:09

Please can you explain how your bil behaviour caused your dc to have long term health problem? I'm confused.

Greatblue0wl · 25/12/2016 22:11

Honestly, no one comes out well in this tale. So much blame and arguing.

PurpleMinionMummy · 25/12/2016 22:13

Yanbu it was rude and very underhand of them.

Yabu to assume they caused your dd's medical issues though. Is it the same dd that recently had something show up in her genetic testing?

dawnc27 · 25/12/2016 22:13

i agree with nc due to their behaviour and possibly even mil too but didnt you say in a previous thread dd has genetic issues? if so then that cant possibly be anything to do with them or are their other health probs that could have been caused by the stress?

witsender · 25/12/2016 22:14

Yanbu. At all.

8misskitty8 · 25/12/2016 22:14

Mil is well out of order. She knows why you are not in contact and to orchastrate this 'meeting' especially at Christmas is outrageous.

A few posters are saying they don't see how the whole wedding incident caused your Dd's health issues. Stress like op was under can cause a whole host of health issues to a pregnant woman as well as her unborn child. It wasn't just a wee arguemrnt here. Op was hospitalised due to their lies/arguements.

A friend of mine went through similar with her inlaws family while pregnant. Due to the stress she suffered 2 major bleeds and was very ill.

Op I'd gave went NC before now if it had been me. Speak to your DH, he might still want to see MIL but that does not mean you and the children need too.

user1482362244 · 25/12/2016 22:14

www.theguardian.com/science/2007/may/31/childrensservices.medicineandhealth
For people saying that stress can't harm an unborn baby. Just the first page that jumped up from a quick Google.
I'm sorry OP, I can't imagine how horrific it must have been, going with the excitement of Christmas Day to be faced with such an unexpected surprise. At any time it would have been bad, but worse today. Hopefully you can keep strong and let the whole day not cause you any more stress.

Sorry if others have posted the same pages, I am super rubbish at typing!

grandmainmypocket · 25/12/2016 22:15

I'm sorry you had such an awful Christmas. It's hard to judge without knowing what happened.
I probably would have stayed for the sake of my dc in this situation and left after presents opened. But it's an awful way to begin your day.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 22:16

All I tried to do, ever, was get my husband to his brothers wedding, and then tried to sort stuff out for my husband and Childrens sake despite the lies they told about us leaving me isolated with PND and a very difficult baby, while friends and family were repeatedly poisioned against us. The only way it ever came to light that we didn't actually do this stuff was when she happened to send 'a message I'd sent her' about a relative while the said relative was in my kitchen and saw I did nothing. They ruined my pregnancy. It was hideous. Obviously, it's difficult to explain. And actually, when my daughters consultants look at my history through pregnancy, they do feel it could have had an impact. So forgive me if I feel that way, but I can't help it.

It never stopped me from trying to fix things though, for DH's sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 22:17

She does have a genetic disorder yes, but there are other issues.

OP posts:
Sherlock35 · 25/12/2016 22:19

Fuck them all. Your husband can make his own decisions about his mum but you really don't have to see her again if you don't want to. At least for a while. They all sound bloody awful. How could your MIL DO that?! Just hi-jack Christmas Day like that? YADNBU.

Valentine2 · 25/12/2016 22:20

OP after so many miscarriages and warning from doctors, you STILL managed to send your husband off to his brother's wedding. And you were ready to leave a newborn right after surgery to go to their wedding. I would have been really tempted to order a rather surprise cake for their wedding depicting a rather large middle finger. Your mother in law sounds like a prick. leave it to your DH as it's his mum in the end. But I would probably never recover from this kind of shite behaviour. Certainly won't "share" Christmas.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2016 22:24

A lot of drama. A lot of pain. Take a step back and leave your dh to deal with all of this as it is his family. I would definitely no longer zoom over there Xmas morning and would consider going low contact myself. Dh can decide what he does and can take the dcs to see the gps without you being there anyway.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/12/2016 22:26

I should have added. They sound truly awful. I don't know how you could have even considered offering to leave your newborn especially so close to the birth.

katiegoestoaldi · 25/12/2016 22:28

Cut the lot of them out of your life. What your DH decides to do is up to him though

I have issues with one of my children and as soon as I told a health professional about how stressful my pregnancy was with them, she said "aha!" and said that a lot of problems she sees in children is due to stress in pregnancy. Cortisol from the mother's stress responses passes through the placenta and affects foetal development apparently

DixieNormas · 25/12/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bringbacksideburns · 25/12/2016 22:30

I wouldn't engage. That means no more texts. You leave your DH to deal with all this from now on and I also think he needs to make it more than crystal clear that you tried to reconcile some time ago and were screamed at and they were in the wrong and have never apologised. Your MIL needs to understand that,
Let your DH deal with his own family not you but I wouldn't stop my kids from seeing their grandparent - I just wouldn't necessarily be there as well.

Your Bil and his wife are arseholes.

TwoGunslingers · 25/12/2016 22:32

7 miscarriages between DD1 and DD2 who was 2 at the time?

I think that you've had a horrible shock today, but MIL is caught between her kids so I don't feel she is being horrible to you intentionally. The fact BIL came might mean they want to make amends? It would have probably been as awkward for them as you to spend Christmas in a frosty atmosphere, so I doubt they orgastrated it to upset you iyswim.

Genetic disorder means they behaved badly during your pregnancy but they didn't cause the problem, I know it doesn't feel that way though.

I'd let things cool down for a few days and then maybe get DH to speak with his mum Flowers

Lunar1 · 25/12/2016 22:32

While I don't think they are to blame for your dd, life is way to short. I'd leave you dh to deal with them from now on.