I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

I think what your mil did was crap.

But look at it from her point of view. Her dilemma is blaming her child for her grandchild health problems and has gone NC.

They aren't to blame for your child's medical problems. And your mil is probably very upset that you keep blaming her other child. It probably seems very over the top, as it does to many here.

She shouldnt have done it. But I think going no contact is an over reaction. You have no idea of mil would babysit, she agreed to babysit when she knew they were coming over, so is unlikely to say 'oh I can't as they are over'. She would have said that before.

She was wrong but I can how she probably just wants to move past this.

It's not just the stress problems in pregnancy.
It's not just the health problems that Mary's DD2 now suffers.
Much of that would probably have been forgivable IF the B/SIL had behaved with any level of kindness, respect or decorum afterwards - but they didn't, did they.
They took the piss out of the OP and her DH, despite him making the effort to go to their fucking wedding after all, leaving his wife and her brand new baby with difficulties - and not only took the piss, they then started a hate/smear campaign against them.

For me, that last bit is the main issue.

They are Not Nice People at all - they're fucking selfish manipulative bastards who tried to drive a wedge between OP's DH and the rest of his family purely out of spite, and for no other reason.

Why can't people see that, why still think that bridges can be built and that MIL was trying to be nice? Clearly not!

Yanbu op but your theatre trip on Friday doesn't need to be ruined.
Google for a local babysitting service. You are going to need one anyway if you aren't going to be relying on MIL in future, so might as well start now.

Op I am not blaming you st all buf ivrwalky don't get your inlaws being medically responsible?

seriously really> You don't see how being so massively stressed in pregnany could lead to problems? Stress is a killer stress leads to many other issues, not sure how you could have missed all news about it really?

Obviously, it's difficult to explain. And actually, when my daughters consultants look at my history through pregnancy, they do feel it could have had an impact

Op no its not hard to explain at all, just some posters seem to be lacking in general understanding and empathy. Pregnancy is a very dangerous time, I only know one person who had no issues in pregnancy and birth and that was Me, all others had awful pregnancies. You don't need additional stress and worry from barmy un hinged people.

Its a shame that rather than thrusting them on you - you MIL cant sit them down and explain the situation from your side and help them realize the impact they have had and how stupid their behavior is. If one of my DC were making up lies about texts and putting pressure on the other over this I would be furious and reading them the riot act.

I think you need to back off from them all and change xmas plans next year.

Can your patents babysit whilst you go to the theatre?

Other than that there seems to be a degree of unreasonableness on all sides and some confusion as what has happened in the past.

but I think just being treated that way during a high risk pregnancy was enough really

during any pregnancy op, its disgraceful behavior it really is - the lowest of the low.

With the best will in the world DeVite her SIL can't have caused a genetic problem with her daughter though. I imagine that this is why her MIL is so frustrated and they are being blamed for something that isn't their fault. (Not saying that the whole situation wasn't very unpleasant though).

I imagine that this is why her MIL is so frustrated and they are being blamed for something that isn't their fault.

The message there is simple, isn't it? If the in laws had not behaved so appallingly, there would have been no opportunity for the OP and her DH to "blame" them.
As it is, there is enough anecdotal and medical support for the OP and her DH to wonder "what if?" , and in that situation, having experienced such unreasonable and intolerable behaviour, it is almost inevitable that they will seek to attribute blame on those people whose conduct was totally unforgivable.

The Mother in this situation sounds no different from those exMILs who have been posted about on MN who allow their grandchildren to have contact with abusive fathers without the DCs mothers knowledge. It is a breach of trust that most people would struggle to get past.

I just read all the 2015 posts and like the other poster I cannot see how the two match up. Are you still the same poster! In 2015 you describe MIL as liking a quiet Christmas and preferring to work that join in the jovialities at your parents house where you normally spend Christmas. In the 2016 post the MIL is trying to host a big family Christmas. Am just a bit confused!

NewNN - it is all to easy to think about the 'what ifs' and lay the blame. Often there is no basis for the blame. I have there child with SENs I often think 'what if I'd done x, y or z differently?'. My 11 old has told me it's my fault he is the way he is whcih was very hurtful to hear. But the reality is is isn't anyone's fault.

NewNN - it is all to easy to think about the 'what ifs' and lay the blame. Often there is no basis for the blame

But the OP does have basis, doesn't she? Even if it can't be proven, the atrocious behaviour of her inlaws during her pregnancy has given her basis to apportion blame.

Their conduct has resulted in a situation in which the OP has every reason to think "what if?". Had they behaved appropriately, then the OP would not be justified in that thought. As it is, the distress caused by the behaviour has been compounded by the thought that it has possibly caused their DD long term complications.

Mumofblueeyes - just more of the same really?! We do go there in our pjs on Christmas morning, didn't want that thread to be about the fued with B&SIL do didn't mention it, but usually when we go if they're visiting they are at mass (she's catholic)... this year we went straight there rather than straight to my parents as it's then easier to stay in one place for the rest of the day. They don't like our dog, and actually it was clear to me that without them she didn't care about our Christmas. It's part of the favouritism I feel she shows.

My parents can't babysit on Friday, my DB has plans with them. It's fine, either DH or I will go and just take a friend. I wouldn't subject an unknown babysitter to DD2 😉

I think there are 2 sides to this story and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I have a very similar medical history to you so really do understand the high risk pregnancy issue, but I do think you are BU in blaming your in laws. Anger is an easier emotion to deal with, believe me I understand.

I think what your MIL did was very underhand but I do feel incredibly sorry for all the kids involved. They must have been devastated to have their Christmas ruined because the adults couldn't get on long enough to exchange presents. I'm sure they won't forget this Christmas in a hurry

Placing blame where there is no proof for these sorts of things is a dangerous road to go down. It just eats people up. No one can conclusively say the inlaws caused this, aside from which the child has a genetic condition, which according to other posts they know very little about so everything could indeed be the result of that condition. You just can't go around blaming people because they might have caused it.

I notice dh is in no way at fault even though the 'you have a dh problem' is regularly dished out on here when inlaws misbehave. Why didn't he step in and put a stop to this behaviour? Go no contact to prevent it if necessary and protect his vulnerable pregnant wife? Deal with HIS brothers wedding instead of his stressed, ill, pregnant wife doing all the running around?

Your inlaws are knobs, yadnbu, but it's unacceptable to blame them re your child. I'd be questionning why my dh didn't step up and put a stop to it to protect you, especially if it was clear it was affecting your pregnancy so badly.

You have had an awful time, and are justified in feeling really fed up. I think I'd ask DH to handle his family for a while. Until you have spoken to MiL you don't really know whether she intended this as a reconciliation (ill judged and thoughtless, probably need to go low contact), or whether she was surprised by them herself and didn't know how to rescue the situation.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, you need a bit of space to recover from the upset which is clearly still very raw. The business with the wedding was awful, and for them to manipulate the situation in that way was disgusting.
I can see why MiL would choose to look past it, in order to keep her family together but she needs to be sensitive to you as well.

Stress in any pregnancy can cause foetal distress.

Where there is a genetic condition it is reasonable to suppose that it could have been aggravated.

And any pregnant woman, especially one who had suffered a number of miscarriages, can be forgiven for emotionally feeling that it has made problems worse, even if in reality there was going to be a problem anyway.

Can I point out that it is OP's DH who has chosen to go NC with his brother for three years.

He has repeatedly told his mum that it is his choice but she persists in blaming OP.

OP should not have to accept this. Just support her DH and let him do what he feels he must. She doesn't have to see any of them if she chooses not to.

Its quite obvious to me that at the time of the wedding, your sil was pissed off that your impending arrival was overshadowing her wedding. Thats why they made no effort to accommodate you, make life easier for you or help you in any way with attending the wedding. She's also just an awful person, hence the abuse- you're well rid of both of them.

Mil doesn't surprise me at all either, shes done a classic nightmare mil move there- blatantly let slip that she doesn't care about her dil's feelings at all as long as she gets what she wants, loads of mils do it this time of year. She's lucky you make such a big deal of her over Christmas tbh.

NC the lot of them.

I suppose the odd thing is that last year the OP was upset the her MIL wasn't making much of an effort as BIL and SIL had moved away - previous to that they had all visited at the same time on Christmas Day. No mention of them having been NC for three years.

I'm so sad for you op, going over to mils house as soon as you get up so they can share the joy of seeing your DC open presents is such a kind thing for you all to do. Seeing they failed to return the care and consideration you have shown is really awful.

It's your choice not to see BIL and SIL and whatever the reasons and however hard that is for MIL, she either respects your choice or you can't be in their lives either.

Well, against our better judgment, DH was really upset this morning so I text MIL saying it would be lovely for the kids to see them, and could they spare half hour to either pop to us or was there a time B&SIL were going out. She said she didn't see there was a way to do this as they have plans with them all day. So DH messaged her asking why does it seem like she's always choosing them... so now they're having a massive row.

It's just not going to happen.

At least there's leftover turkey and Boxing Day racing to look forward to!

Op isn't saying they definitely caused her DC's medical issues but an experience like that makes you wonder how things would have been if things had been different and that was obviously a major issue at that particular time. I agree with PPs, do nit engage, leave it to your DH to maintain contact if he wishes with the DCs. If she were going to ambush you in this hateful way, why did she cooed Xmas day to do it? I suppose she thought you'd be more likely to go along with it. Well done for not giving in

Honestly I think you need to step away. It's like you enjoy chaos. Just give MIL a break. You all need a break from each other. Just chill out for a bit. Cancel out the drama. Let her enjoy her time with her daughter and their kids.

Of course I don't enjoy chaos.

I just a Really don't enjoy my husband being devestated over Christmas.

Also, read the thread. She's not her daughter.