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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

206 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 21:11

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

OP posts:
SoDownSoGone · 26/12/2016 14:22

Then you all need to do something together and try cheer it all up a bit. They're (as in your relations) are probably having a great time. Whether you enjoy chaos or not you're not doing anything to move away from it. Give yourself a break from them. Do something good and happy today to change the feel. Leave it to your husband to message them. Why are you even texting your MIL? Plus I don't think it all adds up on the basis of your thread from last year. There is a whole back story to this and we're hearing one side. Stop trying to be a pleaser. Just let him sort it out with his family when he wants too. It's not up to you to do it

Scooby20 · 26/12/2016 14:22

So he wants to wait until bil and sil go out to visit, but mil is saying they already have plans all day. And now your dh is saying she is choosing them?

Yesterday you stormed our of her house and say she ruined christmas and uoset you all and you were considering cutting her out. Now there is an argument because she won't drop her plans to fit you now you have changed your mind?

redexpat · 26/12/2016 14:35

Oh I remember that c section wedding thread! Unless you do exactly what they want (and lets face it, even when you do) you will always be in the wrong, and whatever you do will never be good enough.

None of them really care about you or your family, only about how you impact on them. They will never see anything wrong with their behaviour, will never acknowledge it, never offer a meaningful apology and therefore there is no point trying to continue a relationship.

I wish your DH could go NC for all your sakes.

DixieWishbone · 26/12/2016 14:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gymnopedies · 26/12/2016 14:45

YANBU, hope your DDs, DH and you have a better end of the holiday.

Brewdolf · 26/12/2016 15:18

Stop engaging with them now. You gave it one final shot. Its up to your DH how he deals with it. Be there for him.

FWIW I get how it is to be dropped when the favoured BIL and SIL come to town. Happens all the time here though at least BIL and SIL aren't in your BIL and SILs league. DH doesn't really see it though the DC are realising. This year PILs have gone to spend Christmas with them thankfully, though will have a family meet up at some point but its wider family and there's safety in numbers!

itsmine · 26/12/2016 15:34

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Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 15:38

Wow itsmine, are you my MIL? Hmm

OP posts:
itsmine · 26/12/2016 15:41

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ClaudiaWankleman · 26/12/2016 15:43

itsmine 'No one goes out in their PJs on Christmas Day as a 'tradition'

Hello. I do.

itsmine · 26/12/2016 15:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 15:46

We do too. But clearly if itsmine doesn't do something, it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 15:47

She knew we were coming. We saw her at lunch the day before and confirmed. I don't really understand your vitriol.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 26/12/2016 15:52

If MIL was surprised by BIL visit - there's always the phone! She could have called - she didn't - BIL must've stayed over to be there tha early

OhStuffingBalls · 26/12/2016 15:52

Wow. It sounds like you need to have some sort of therapy to work out your feelings about this, OP. I don't want to sound harsh - this is obviously a situation that has really hurt you and affected your lives - but your baby being born with complications is an extremely heavy thing to lay at the door of your ILs.

I think your MIL was extremely misguided to try to get you all together on Christmas day. But I also think this blame you are apportioning to your ILs is too much. It must be dreadful for all of you.

itsmine · 26/12/2016 15:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 15:55

They're not conflicting, she offered to work in the hospital because BIL & family weren't flying over for Christmas... it's all part of the larger problem. Have another drink maybe and stop randomly attacking strangers on the internet who are literally at their wits end??

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 15:57

And I was annoyed that she expected DH to take her, as we were excited about our DD's waking up on Christmas morning! It was fine, he took her. We Always try to please them, it just never seems to work.

OP posts:
itsmine · 26/12/2016 16:01

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FixItUpChappie · 26/12/2016 16:03

I don't think the backstory was necessary TBH (though they sound horrid) - you were ambushed Ina calculated way by you in laws in a fashion predetermined to be upsetting to you and thus also your children. that is the equivalent of sticking the middle finger up at you while saying merry Christmas. abusive and wrong. I wouldn't be seeing your mil for a long, long time.

Im sorry this happened OP - there is something truly dysfunctional with your DHs family. Take Christmas by the balls and start it over again today if you haven't already.

Brewdolf · 26/12/2016 16:04

They're not conflicting, she offered to work in the hospital because BIL & family weren't flying over for Christmas...

Though she didn't this year. Next time she's not working Xmas morning you should have a good suspicion of who her guests are Wink.

BlossomHillOne · 26/12/2016 16:04

The stories are conflicting though - last year the complaint was no effort because BIL and SIL weren't there.

This year the complaint is that they are there and have you have been non-contact for several years.

Which one is it?

itsmine · 26/12/2016 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/12/2016 16:07

What was the point of mentioning we are non contact with them? I've had several threads for years about it.... and it wasn't about that.

OP posts:
Castironfireplace · 26/12/2016 16:11

Just stop doing it. You all wind each other up chronic, back off & do other things. It sounds ridiculously intense. Why does it have to be so fraught & involved? Your kids will end up like nervous wrecks.

I'm sorry but going out in PJs like that is just bizarre. Why on earth would you not just get dressed? You will have to anyway at some point surely. Even in Mumsnet land.

All the posters enjoying the drama egging you on would also be the ones laughing out of the window at you if they saw you really doing this in the street. It's not cute and fun it's odd.

I'm sorry about your poorly child, I hope things improve. Perhaps focus on that rather than this silly unnecessary relationship drama with your extended family.