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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've had it with my MIL. I think we need to cut her out....

206 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 25/12/2016 21:11

Such a long backstory. DH & I are completely not contact with his brother and his wife, over things that happened a few years ago. My DD2 has some serious medical issues and without going into it too much, we feel they are at least partly to blame and they've treated us very very badly. Ive had threads about it years ago and it was unanimously in our favour. We haven't seen or spoken to them for more than three years, avoiding FIL's 70th party, Christmas meals etc... and as they live in another country it's not hard to avoid them day to day. My oldest DD found it very hard to suddenly lose her cousin she was very close to, but has all but forgotten about him now and our youngest children have never met the other family that they would remember.

So yesterday we had a big lunch for DH, his parents were there and we all had a great time. MIL feels it's my doing that her family has been 'torn apart' and no matter how much my DH tells her it's actually his decision, she refused to believe it and makes digs all the time. But she was so nice at the lunch, it was bizarre.

This morning we got straight out of bed, packed up the kids and presents and drove there in pjs, total states, to have Christmas morning with DH's parents.

I was helping DD2 up the steps and DD1 ran ahead and I heard her shout out that her cousin was there.

MIL came to the door and said 'Surprise... we've got some special guests!'

They've been there since yesterday. She knew and could've warned us, but instead she pushed her own agenda against all of our feelings and it was like a car crash. We were all so scruffy and unprepared for one thing.. B&SIL were completely dressed up. I mean, we don't want to see them at anytime, let alone when we're at our worst. There's a horrible vulnerability about standing there facing someone who has really hurt you in old pyjamas and with bedhair!

The idea of them being in the same room as my DD2 makes me feel sick. There's so much history and it's been such a long time. It actually made my heart jump. We argued, turned and left and MIL text and said I was wrong.

I felt shocked and shaky all day, after this morning, actually our Christmas was ruined. DD1 was so upset, they didn't get to go in and have their presents, it was a shock to them to just turn around and leave, and also DH & I have been upset all day.

Shes not sorry, she doesn't care. She constantly thinks I'm in the wrong. She refuses to think it's anything other than my fault despite the fact that I tried to sort things with B & SIL about a dozen times in the early days.

I want to cut MIL out, but obviously she's DH's mum and I don't want him to resent me for the rest of our lives. But today I think he'd agree.

I text her and said 'why would you do this to us? It's Christmas Day! What did you think would happen?'

She has zero remorse.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 25/12/2016 22:36

Yes I've read all the posts.
When it became apparent that the wedding (abroad) and birth of the long awaited baby - after all the medical difficulties - clashed, then a calm "oh, what a shame the dates are going to clash. So sorry we obviously aren't going to be able to be there to share your day, but we want to see all the photos etc when you get back of course" would have been the calm and reasonable response from op and her dh. They chose to go. They made a cnoice to get involved with drama.
That's my opinion - you know, what the op asked for. No problem if nobody else agrees, but you didn't post in relationships and ask for sympathy, you posted to ask for people's opinions.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/12/2016 22:36

What a horrible thing to do to you :(

Not surprised you feel awful and shaky, that's just s vicious trap she sprang on you.

But it sounds like she cares nothing for anyone other than herself anyway - and tbh, your SIL/BIL sound very similar.
To point out the usual phrase - they sound like narcs, and as though your DH's brother is the golden child in the family (can do no wrong).

Under the circs, I'd say that your MIL's underhanded ploy means that she's forfeited her "rights" to special Christmas time with your DC. If your DH wants to see her, then of course he must because it's his mother, but I wouldn't bother with her myself again. How very very stupid she has been.

MrsSiba · 25/12/2016 22:39

Oh OP what a deceitful thing for MIL to spring on you. I think that is unforgivable. She may want to see her sons reconciled but she should accept her way was not the right way to go about it. As previous PP said, you going over to unwrap presents first thing it's lovely she didn't give two thoughts to your xmas tradition and has tried to manipulate it. I assume you won't continue with that next year?

MIL is a self centred fool. I wouldn't resume contact in a hurry.

Have you heard from her? Does she give a shit that you are upset?

honeysucklejasmine · 25/12/2016 22:41

Back how is "we can come to your destination wedding, but can only stay for two days" handling it less well than a polite refusal?! This kicked off because they couldn't come for whole two weeks. Do you really think BIL & SIL would have said "fair enough, see you after" if they had given your response?

magoria · 25/12/2016 22:42

Are some of you reading a different thread?

OP offered to leave her newborn behind and go to the wedding for 2 days but that wasn't good enough. She then stayed behind but her DH still went to their wedding where he was treated like shit.

They then waged a campaign dragging in wider family which stressed OP so much she ended up in hospital. Her consultants said the stress may have added to the DC's problems.

MIL has treated you with contempt and blame you for what happened. YANBU to stay away for as long as you like.

Pheebs77 · 25/12/2016 22:45
Flowers Nevermind why - springing it on you like that is just nasty, you don't try & reconcile people by doing that Confused

Take a step back and let dh do any talking or communication of any sort. Sounds like you were trying to help find a solution but in hindsight it would have been better to step back at that stage & let dh sort things out with his family after all

sparechange · 25/12/2016 22:45

back
I think you need to reread the thread and then apologise to OP

HarryPottersMagicWand · 25/12/2016 22:49

YANBU. Your MIL knew exactly what she was doing. What a spiteful woman she is. I wouldnt see her again.

NewNNfor2017 · 25/12/2016 22:51

They chose to go. They made a cnoice to get involved with drama.

How utterly selfish of the OP and her DH to try and fulfil the commitment the OPs DH had made to be best man by offering to leave their two week old DC at home and the OP be willing to travel after major surgery. .

How selfish of the OP and her DH to continue to prioritise the wedding and for the OPs DH to plan to travel to the wedding even though the OP was in hospital with complications.

How selfish of the OPs DH to be offended by the unpleasantness directed at him when he actually attended the wedding.

Do you have any friends or close family, back?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2016 22:54

Yanbu.
They are disgraceful people. I wouldn't have anything to do with them ever either.

ems137 · 25/12/2016 22:55

Leave them all to it. They clearly don't enhance your life in any way so forget them. If DH wants contact then that's his choice but you don't have to go along. They all sound like nasty liars to me OP

LucyInTheSkyWithDonuts · 25/12/2016 22:59

You poor thing, how horrible of them to treat you like that.

I think you need to take a step back and have a long think about what you want your future relationship with your PILs to be. If you want to never see them I again I would totally understand. Maybe they need some time to reflect on their shitty behaviour.

Benedikte2 · 25/12/2016 23:00

MILs behaviour is unforgivable and demonstrates that despite all the evidence and the OPs attempts over the years to give the MIL quality time with the GC, she refuses to believe the whole rift wasn't caused by the OP. In my book she has forfeited future Christmas mornings with the GC.
Make your own satisfying traditions OP with your DH and DCs. MIL cannot be trusted.

Purplepicnic · 25/12/2016 23:01

What a spiteful woman she is.

Not seeing this. A woman who wants to get her children talking again? Thoughtless, misguided, naive, yes. But she arranged this meeting to spite the OP? Really?

Buttercupsandaisies · 25/12/2016 23:03

Sounds awful and I do sympathise
..., but I do think you were unreasonable to drag the kids out of there on Xmas day. That must have been awful for them esp having just seen their cousins. No matter how awful the situation I think you should have put the kids first there and stayed for presents - that reaction will likely cause more ill feeling

sparechange · 25/12/2016 23:03

purple
Swap emotionally abusive sibling for emotionally abusice ex, and is it still a harmless situation?

The MN curse of 'blood is thicker than water' strikes again...

Sybys · 25/12/2016 23:04

YANBU at all. Amazed that there's even divided opinion in this thread. DH's brother and wife sound like scum. I imagine MIL was misguidedly trying to reconcile but it sounds beyond reconciliation to me. Up to you and DH how to handle MIL after this, but you've every right to be upset with today's events.

magoria · 25/12/2016 23:06

Wouldn't an arranged meeting be 'BIL & SIL are coming here for xmas can we all sit down and work things out?'

jacks11 · 25/12/2016 23:12

I think unless MIL apologises and admits she got it wrong, you would be justified in not having any contact. Even then, I think it will take time to repair the loss of trust.

I can understand that MIL would like her family reconciled (however unrealistic this might be) but this was never the way to achieve that- it was bound to backfire because it is underhand and deceitful.

BIL/SIL sound deeply unpleasant, totally self-obsessed and slightly unhinged. Why on earth did they need you both there for 2 weeks around their wedding, especially when they knew you had a newborn?! To then treat your DH the way they did when he did make the effort to go was totally wrong. Spreading lies about you in an attempt to alienate you both from DH's family is completely unacceptable and to harass you when you were in unwell/in hospital is contemptible. I am not surprised you and DH have chosen to go NC. Sounds like you are far better off without them.

I think PP are missing the point re the effect on OPs DD- of course the stress she was under will not have caused her genetic condition but extreme stress during pregnancy can have an adverse impact and lead to complications. OP says she has been advised by specialists that the stress she was under may have contributed to her DDs problems. I would assume that they know more about her DDs medical problems than we do and so don't think we can totally dismiss OPs assertion that her in-laws behaviour contributed.

Greatblue0wl · 25/12/2016 23:20

Jack, health care providers may just nod and agree, rather than arguing the toss with new parents regarding this situation. No one knows how the pregnancy would have gone without the stess.

Rafflesway · 25/12/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepicnic · 25/12/2016 23:21

Just sounds to me like she trying to repair damage, not create more. What would be her purpose in being spiteful to the OP in this way?

Don't get me wrong, she was out of order, but I don't see that her motives were malicious toward the OP.

DeepanKrispanEven · 25/12/2016 23:22

I think your husband needs to get very firm with his mother about the fact that she apparently refuses to believe him when he says the decision to go no contact was his, not yours. I suspect if he pointed out that he doesn't appreciate the fact that she's basically saying he's a liar she might just get shocked into accepting the truth.

jacks11 · 25/12/2016 23:28

Great

Yes, that is why I said " may have contributed"- OP will never be able to say one way or the other but it is a possibility (depending on what the complications are).

Greatblue0wl · 25/12/2016 23:34

Jack

You started the paragraph with "I think people are missing the point" . There is no point, just blame.

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