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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

£10 Christmas present from DH

167 replies

lilypoppet · 22/12/2016 05:26

Admittedly, I am so fed up with dh at the moment that he can't do anything right and he isn't working so money is tight. I've bought our three children Christmas presents. I'm spending £80 on each of them. I bought my family gifts. He bought gifts for his mum sister and her she. No idea what they got. I checked with my daughter if he got me anything and how much so I could make sure I spent the same and she said it was about £10. I can't get it out of my head that's all I'm worth to him. A tenner. I'm not a particularly materialistic person but AIBU?

OP posts:

228agreenend · 23/12/2016 20:33

If he is not working and money is tight, then spending £10 is fine. Maybe he thought if he spent more, you'd get cross with him.

With a bit of thought, you can get lovely presents cheaply. Earlier this summer, I bought my sister a lovely summer M and S jacket for a £5. It was in the Clearence section of an M and S outlet store.

melj1213 · 23/12/2016 21:34

So you're not materialistic but your husband, who has no job when money is tight (and you've admitted can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes lately), has spent £10 on a present for you when you admit you have no precedence set for expectation of extravagant gifts, and you're upset he hasn't done more. What exactly is he supposed to do if he hasn't got the money to spend? Get into debt? Buy only something for you?

Yes, he spent money on his family, but so did you, and if he has very little money perhaps that £10 was 1/3 of his entire budget? Or even half of it?

spooniestudent · 23/12/2016 22:42

Last xmas me and dp had a limit of £50. He was skint, so spent time picking out all of my favourite things (chocs, drinks, a couple of candles) to put in a stocking and I can honestly say it's the most thoughtful gift I've ever received.

Swizzel · 23/12/2016 23:14

YABU. You say you're fed up with him atm anyway, so it sounds as though you are determined to find fault. I suspect if he'd spent a fortune on your present you'd be moaning about him over-spending when money is tight: he's damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

Also, what you have written about buying presents for your children - its' all 'I' and not 'we'. Surely it should be 'we are spending £80 each on the children.' Regardless of who is earning the money atm, you should be a partnership when it comes to family. You need to reassess your priorities - it's not about how much he spends on you, it's about your relationship, and you are judging him unfairly in my opinion.

kiloh · 23/12/2016 23:52

my partner Struggles with work and is usually strapped for cash, but he will find time and money to spend on his friends and family but happily leaves me on birthdays and Christmas with nothing not even a card - and while I don't expect anything of monetary value when he's struggling I can't understand why he can't get the children to make me a card, make the dinner or do something to show that he acknowledges the occasion, and also yes how can he afford to buy his mate a new T-Shirt and not even a small bunch of flowers for me, it's not just that though the children usually get upset he's not helped them to get me anything, or make a cake so I end up then having to go out and get them something to give me 😕 So if it's just about feeling low down on his list of priorities yes I get it!

Empress13 · 23/12/2016 23:57

You sound very childish OP. Be grateful he's getting you anything.

florencebabyjo · 24/12/2016 07:11

Kiloh
Sounds like you need a new DP for xmas.Read back your post to yourself, it screams warning bells to me. Maybe it's time to prioritise yourself and kids as it's setting them am atrocious example of how to treat someone.
Hope tomorrow brings you some joy.

Unicorn1981 · 24/12/2016 09:06

We used to spend a lot on each other before dd came along. This year we've moved and I've only just gone back to work so it's £20 each. Admittedly we've overspent on dd

OhTheRoses · 24/12/2016 09:19

Many, many years ago were down to brass tacks one Christmas. I'd given up work, dh was waiting on fees, it was ds's first Christmas and his birthday. We had a serious talk, knowing grandparents had bought a sackload of presents. We bought ds a little book for his birthday and a little book for Christmas. DH bought me a bath bomb (surprise) and I bought him a mars bar and a cigar. We still buy each other that every year.

I think you are going through a very bad patch op as is not unusual with three dc and money problems, when the drudgery of being and doing isn't in balance with love and care and things to look forward to. I think you are projecting the lack of mutual understanding onto the value of the gift and have just expressed it in a slightly clumsy and analogous way.

I hope things are better for you next year.

caringcarer · 24/12/2016 15:08

I know I am going against the flo of sentiment here but i would be very upset if my dh spent a tenner kn me. Unless your children are small you should be his top priority before his Mum and sister. Imo yanbu. He is being mean.

madein1995 · 24/12/2016 15:15

I agree with you op. He knew Christmas was coming so could have saved up - I'm skint so did that with my mums christmas pressie, bought it when it was on offer and saved up for it. Definitely agree it should be you getting the more expensive and well thought out thing rather than his mum and sister.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 24/12/2016 20:03

Well now I'm freaking out because I changed myind about what I was getting him and spent £10 on a special tin of mint tea bags from.John Lewis. So I can't win! Well too late now. Well see how it goes on Christmas morning. Happy Christmas everyone!

OP posts:

r33ma · 26/12/2016 00:07

Hello OP, I think this is really about feeling (un)appreciated. I can understand your frustration because you've taken on a lot of the responsibility of Christmas & your DP hasn't contributed towards the kids presents. You have spent a lot & you would like to feel appreciated for all your time & effort. £10 isn't a lot, in this hyper materialistic world that we live in but if it has thought & care behind it, it can mean the world... There definitely seems to be an imbalance in your relationship that is troubling you. To feel appreciated, you need to appreciate your partner too. I think you know underneath it all (£10) it's relative (him not working etc) but the frustration of it (your situation)is getting to you. Perhaps try not to take the burden of everything on yourself... Enjoy the times that you have together as a family and find a way to put your relationship back onto the right path (if that's what is good for yours & the children's wellbeing).

OrangePeels · 28/12/2016 12:57

What was your gift OP?

cbigs · 28/12/2016 13:01

Original poster

lilypoppet · 28/12/2016 15:20

A ten pounds gift voucher from Waterstone's and I absolutely love it. I made a special visit today and bought a really nice book. So there you go.

OP posts:

TurncoatEwok · 28/12/2016 15:58

Aw that's lovely :) what book did you get?

I'm glad it all worked out, did he like what you gave him?

There's nothing worth having that you can get for £10 IMO.

Wow. Clearly I am going about Christmas and birthdays all wrong then. Not to mention my own spends on myself here and there.

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