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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£10 Christmas present from DH

167 replies

lilypoppet · 22/12/2016 05:26

Admittedly, I am so fed up with dh at the moment that he can't do anything right and he isn't working so money is tight. I've bought our three children Christmas presents. I'm spending £80 on each of them. I bought my family gifts. He bought gifts for his mum sister and her she. No idea what they got. I checked with my daughter if he got me anything and how much so I could make sure I spent the same and she said it was about £10. I can't get it out of my head that's all I'm worth to him. A tenner. I'm not a particularly materialistic person but AIBU?

OP posts:
Nicknameofawesome · 22/12/2016 12:39

I am so fed up with dh at the moment that he can't do anything right
We've never really done expensive gifts and I'm usually fine with. It
I always come last in his list of priorities.
I do buy him gifts I think he'd like and he usually takes them back

It's not about the gifts at all is it? As ourblanche said you need to look at what is the ACTUAL problem. I suspect it is that you are feeling undervalued, unloved and unappreciated. Christmas presents won't fix that. If he had spent a fortune you would probably be mad that he was inconsiderate to spend so much money when he isn't earning any.

You need to figure out what needs to change to make you feel loved and appreciated again then talk to your husband...

RhiWrites · 22/12/2016 12:40

OP, I don't want to minimise this because I see it's hurtful.

But if he spent more on inlaws than you it could be that he's embarrassed to be seen as cheap to someone who doesn't understand how tight things are. He would trust you to know you have to tighten your belts. Spend a tenner on a gift for him and make a mental note that the two of you need to do something nice together when money's less stretched.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/12/2016 12:42

Thanks that's really good advice x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2016 12:42

I am not being funny, but if money is tight, why are you spending so much on gifts. He is not working, so what do you expect a very expensive gift! You need to rein it in, this is why people get into debt, buying things they cannot afford.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 22/12/2016 12:43

Well that's up to them aero. Tight means different things to different people

Katy07 · 22/12/2016 12:45

DH got a keyring with the co-ordinates of the bar we met in 19 years ago. He was touched that I'd had it made (I am remarkably unromantic!).
Awww, that's lovely Xmas Smile

Nicknameofawesome · 22/12/2016 12:45

Well OP said money is tight but obviously not that right as she's spending a few hundred on the kids. So presumably if he can spend £10 he can spend £50
if you can spend £80 on the kids he can spend that on you.

Bullshit it sounds like they have seperate finances for a start and if he isn't working regularly his are probably fuck all. What SHE has spent on the kids has no relation to what HE has available. Also if the Christmas pot is say £300 and £80 has gone on each child then that leaves £60 for everyone else. That wouldn't go far if he then spent £50 of it on her...

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2016 12:45

Your job in a department store, unless you are in a high position, won't be earning a lot, so really you need to tighten your belt. I would be happy in your position with a box of my favourite chocolates and a bottle of Prosecco, about £10

Katy07 · 22/12/2016 12:46

But if he spent more on inlaws than you it could be that he's embarrassed to be seen as cheap to someone who doesn't understand how tight things are. He would trust you to know you have to tighten your belts.
This with (sleigh)bells on.

PizzaPlease · 22/12/2016 12:47

I think it depends on how he spent the £10. On the one hand you can get some wonderful things within that budget, especially this time of year, but at the same time if he has picked up something like socks then it's a bit naff I suppose. My boyfriend bought me a 43 inch TV, my old TV broke some months ago and my little girl and I (he isn't her dad) have been using a tiny little thing since as I couldn't afford to replace it. It was very kind of him, and he's in a very well paid job so was within his means, but at the same time I would have been happy solely with the other gift he bought (giant stuffed penguin, lol, inside joke) because it's the thought that counts. I saved for months to be able to buy everyone nice gifts this year and I feel like I really nailed it if I'm honest. Grin but I probably spent about half what he did, because that's what was within my means. Even at Christmas you have to live within what you can afford. If he's unemployed then where do you expect him to get the money? I don't see how split finances like that can work long term.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2016 12:47

Wolverhampton, he's not working, and she has a job in a department store, so not exactly rolling in it.

gillybeanz · 22/12/2016 12:48

All money should be family money and your family obviously can't afford to spend money on presents this Christmas.
You sort the kids out and other family members should understand you don't have the money.
We are both working and only buy for dc and their partners (the older ones)
If you can't afford it, you can't buy the stuff.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 22/12/2016 12:49

How do we know? We don't know how much money they have. Maybe they're using their credit cards. It's not really the point is it? She's not asking for a lecture on her shopping choices

hoopyloopy2 · 22/12/2016 12:49

Rhiwrites has it spot on. We are in the same situation here & trying to still give to others to save face, but only a tiny token for each other.

Some of you are being unnecessarily harsh on OP. It's bloody tough and miserable living with the pressure of unemployment, I know this all too well, maybe some of you have been luckier. I know what it can do to your relationship and how resentment can set in on both sides.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2016 12:50

Reading op other posts, I thinks there are other issues here, the present isen't the only one.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 22/12/2016 12:54

I do buy him gifts I think he'd like and he usually takes them back,l. I bought him a cotton cashmere jumper for his birthday and he returned it and got a coat.

Seems like you are not on his wavelength in terms of guessing what he'd like for gifts.

I take it the cashmere jumper present was before money became tight? Can't imagine buying cashmere for someone if money is an issue.

MaxineQuordlepleen · 22/12/2016 12:55

I think you are being less unreasonable than confused. Money and gifts and love frequently get confused, especially at Christmas.
Nicknameofawesome has it spot on so I won't repeat. Hope you have an okay christmas, a luckier new year and some helpful discussions with DH at some point.

PickAChew · 22/12/2016 12:57

I think you need an honest conversation with your dh about expectations around gifts, rather than second guessing his motives. £10 gifts are reasonable in your situation and I also think it would be sensible to rein in your own spending on presents, as you're not getting him what he wants by spending more, anyhow.

This resentment, whether reasonable or otherwise, isn't going to go away without an honest conversation, though.

user1481838270 · 22/12/2016 13:02

I checked with MY DAUGHTER if he got me anything and HOW MUCH so I could make sure I spent the same and she said it was about £10

Wow. You are a real role model for your daughter in how to value a relationship Hmm

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 22/12/2016 13:03

Sad to see so many people basing their worth as a partner on monetary value.

We've had 'skint years'. We spent a fiver on each other and had no worse a day than the years we spent £200 on each other

LittleBearPad · 22/12/2016 13:09

Wolver if money is tight then chucking Christmas on a credit card isn't a good plan.

gamerchick · 22/12/2016 13:10

Sounds like there's a bit of a back story here about the relationship in general.

You work and run the home and family and he works sometimes and gets to keep all the money? His arse would be out that door.

YelloDraw · 22/12/2016 13:16

These thread turn into such competitive 3 Yorkshiremen sketches 'well I get a slap in the face for Christmas, so you shoudl be so happy"

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 22/12/2016 13:21

These thread turn into such competitive 3 Yorkshiremen sketches 'well I get a slap in the face for Christmas, so you shoudl be so happy"

Not even a box in the ears?? Xmas Grin

Crispbutty · 22/12/2016 13:28

I love my dp to bits. But we are skint here. No presents this year, or anything else. If he was to buy me something from the pound shop I would be happy. Hopefully next year things will be different but I'm an adult and that's how things are at the moment.