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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£10 Christmas present from DH

167 replies

lilypoppet · 22/12/2016 05:26

Admittedly, I am so fed up with dh at the moment that he can't do anything right and he isn't working so money is tight. I've bought our three children Christmas presents. I'm spending £80 on each of them. I bought my family gifts. He bought gifts for his mum sister and her she. No idea what they got. I checked with my daughter if he got me anything and how much so I could make sure I spent the same and she said it was about £10. I can't get it out of my head that's all I'm worth to him. A tenner. I'm not a particularly materialistic person but AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 22/12/2016 13:34

It seems reasonable to me to ask what the gift cost because if on the day one gives an iPad and the other a Chocolate Orange ... Whereas knowing you're exchanging £10 presents rather than £100 or £1000 makes sure nobody is embarrassed; and it would have given OP a chance to say "arrgh you've spent more on me than we've spent on all the DC put together - that's sweet and thank you but can it go back?" if necessary.

AnUtterIdiot · 22/12/2016 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifonly4 · 22/12/2016 13:44

OP, hang in there he may well give you something else.

Do you know how much he's spent on his family and does he know how much you've spent on the kids and your family? It could be there's been a breakdown in communication between both of you on how much money should be spent on everyone given your financial situation.

Money is tight here, but we spend roughly the same amount on me, DH and DD get roughly . We spend approx £40 on DM as she's on her own and only gets another couple of presents - also she spends about £100 on us. DH is from a large family who insist on doing xmas presents so they range from £6 up to £17.

Aki23 · 22/12/2016 13:46

It might be something really thoughtful that happened to only cost £10. He might have listened to you when you said money was tight. He might not care. See what the present is Christmas Day. Perhaps speak with him if you feel hurt after seeing it.

EveOnline2016 · 22/12/2016 13:46

We only get token present each so santa hasn't forgotten mum and dad.

Normally PJ as I live in mine when I am at home.

VestalVirgin · 22/12/2016 14:11

I get my family presents for 5 euros each, or less.

Unless there's a book I know they'd like to have, then I might spend 10 or 20. But really, what is the point in buying expensive shit if the person already has everything they want, and/or can buy it? My dad loves chocolate, so I buy him some - I'd not know what else to buy, really.

Lots of money are better spent on presents for children, in my opinion. Children do not already have everything, and cannot buy the new toys they want with their own money.

BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld · 22/12/2016 14:13

For some reason your thread title made think about the "Hello ladies, one pound fish" song. 'Hello ladies ten pound gift". Anyway, beyond singing stall holders...

I think it's about the asymmetry of it all. You feel resentful you are the sole provider. You feel resentful he thought about his family, but that doesn't include your children. It's kind of about the gift, but about what the gift says about your relationship, not about the gift in itself.

Gift giving is like a language, and you don't like what this gift is saying, or the other things in your relation ship it reminds you off.

So if I were in your shoes, I would have a think about what nerves this is hitting, and find a way to start a shared conversation with your DH about it. How you both put your relationship back in a better place. Whatever a better place might be.

sj257 · 22/12/2016 18:32

If he isn't working then what would you expect him to spend? Tbh I'd rather he spent that tenner on the kids than me. Me and my hubby aren't buying for each other this year as money is tight and we'd rather make sure the kids have a good time.

QuiltedAloeVera · 22/12/2016 22:01

Bobkinyoyo No, I didn't mean that. SAHP are definitely working and definitely contributing!
SAHP and unemployed are not the same thing. I had the impression OP's DH was in the latter category, but I could've been mistaken.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2016 23:05

He's broke and I agree with a pp who says he's spent a bit more on his family (although you don't know this) because he doesn't want to appear broke, even though he is. It does not reflect what he thinks of you. Your OP says he can't do anything right, so presumably there are issues other than the £10 present. I think this is more important than the present problem.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 22/12/2016 23:09

DH and I always spend roughly £10 on each other. We have kids and family to buy for and food and just general bills to pay etc. We are not materialistic it sounds like you are.

Only1scoop · 22/12/2016 23:18

You asked your dd how much it cost so you could 'spend the same'....
Cringe

1horatio · 22/12/2016 23:28

Why would you want to spend the same, btw?

Last year DH's gift for me was a massage (from him), homemade dinner and watching my favourite movie. I don't know how much the ingredients for the dinner cost, but they were fairly simply, so not a lot, I imagine.

It isn't about the price of a gift.

And gifts don't need to cost the same amount. That's silly imo.

alltoomuchrightnow · 23/12/2016 01:23

you don't need to spend the same on each other!
I'm the one not working right now, due to an injury. I'm out of work too. But I've bought DP a few presents. I know i won't be getting anything from him (he's pretty much said this) and I understand that as we're skint, he's having to support two of us right now , there's always been two incomes till now. We don't have kids. He can't afford to support us both, it's a strain.

alltoomuchrightnow · 23/12/2016 01:24

i should say he does buy things for me throughout the year, if he sees something or i need something he'll often surprise me. He doesn't like buying something just because it's a birthday or Christmas. He is never ever generous then but can be at random moments

Cagliostro · 23/12/2016 01:30

£10 wouldn't bother me, can get amazing thoughtful gifts for that if you think about it

Klaphat · 23/12/2016 02:00

Still waiting for the explanation of why the money isn't joint. Giant dripfeed incoming.

Kel1234 · 23/12/2016 02:12

You do sound awful tbh. Sorry but you do. It's not about how much it cost, it's the thought. And that is a lot on each child as well

bloodyteenagers · 23/12/2016 02:20

You also seem really shit at knowing what he wants.
You admit you buy him what you think he wants. Only for him to return for what he actually wants.
Maybe he's also feeling unappreciated by his wife who doesn't seem to know him.

1horatio · 23/12/2016 06:13

Klaphat

Many people don't just throw everything in the same pot.

We certainly don't :)

Doesn't necessarily have any negative implications.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/12/2016 07:00

Still waiting for the explanation of why the money isn't joint.

Because outside of MN people don't. Still works perfectly well with no issues.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 23/12/2016 07:01

Me and my DH are just buying each other a £10 gift this year. The way we see it Christmas has changed since having DC and we have all we need. When we were childless and we brought home good money I'd have been disappointed with a token gift, but life changes and with it your priorities.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 23/12/2016 07:20

I am completely skint, more skint than a skint thing. I have scrimped and saved to buy my boyfriend a present, I know he will have spent more on me than I have on him (he earns twice what I do and has similar outgoings to me) but his gift has been chosen with thought and love, surely that is what counts and not the cost?

georgethecat · 23/12/2016 07:25

My colleague had a £10 budget with wife. He had all her achievements for the year photos printed on marshmallows.

I thought it was the funniest, eccentric & thoughtful thing.

Not relevant to OP - do carry on

Mindtrope · 23/12/2016 07:32

£10 sounds perfect to me.

OH and I are not into "stuff". We buy thoughtful token presents only. We have the money to spend if we choose but I would not really want 100s of pounds worth of things. They don't mean much to me.

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