Family bereavement - young children at the crematorium

[SpiritedLondon]

My MIL very sadly died this week following a short illness. We live a long way away from her so I feel very grateful that we made it down to see her this weekend and she had the chance to see my DD4 ( who is her only grandchild). My DH has returned home today and he has told DD that granny has died. She asked a few questions but seemed slightly oblivious about what death is. My husband has been discussing the arrangements for the funeral which are a cremation followed by a church service and a gathering / food/ wake. He assumed that our DD would be attending all parts of this. I was actually a bit horrified about her attending the cremation - that is absolutely not what I want her to remember of her granny. The whole coffin behind the curtain thing is bad enough and I know my husband will be in pieces. I am happy to answer questions about life and death but I don't want her to imagine granny lying in a coffin or being cremated. I am quite happy for her to go to the church service and the wake but she will be the only child attending. If I asked her she would say she wants to go but she would have no idea of what she was agreeing to. I genuinely don't know if IABU. Unfortunately the long distance from us means that there is no- one to watch her for us for the cremation part so I would need to look after her for that part, and as a result would not be able to be with my DH for arguably the most upsetting bit. WWYD?

My Children went to the crematorium when FIl died as did SIls 2 boys

At the time the children were

22 months 3 1/2 5 1/2 my 3 Nephews were 9 and 13

They have no recollection of the funeral DD1 and 2 sat next to mil who held their hands through out the service. As the curtain was drawn over the coffin dd2 (age 3 1/2) lifted her hand up and waved and said softly " bye bye grandad" it was such a beautiful moment.

For me it was never a question that they would not attend, it was their grandfathers funeral and yes to me they should be there.. It was also truly lovely to hear children laughing after during the coffee and having them around made many comment on how lovely it was to be reminded that FIL was still around in his children and grandchildren.

I grew up in a family where this was normal and all funerals I have attended have had children along. The first one I can remember is my Godmothers funeral (she was my mothers aunt) I recall my maternal grandmother stopping as we walked out after the coffin and held her hand out to me .. I stepped forward and I can still recall how she clutched my hand so tightly... (they had been close friends)

I know I was at other funerals as a smaller child but like my own children I have no recollection of this.

I am sure if I was to ask my nephews they would due to age have clear recollections of FILs funeral.

My DCs were amazing today. Absolutely amazing. It wasn't a scary environment for them, and the celebration of their dad's life at church afterwards couldn't have gone better. I read my whole speech without crying

Well done Scottish / Tunnock (?). You did well. I don't know if anyone has told you about Widowed and Young (WAY), but it is worth joining. They are an amazing source of support.

ThatsScottish xxxx

I am sorry to hear of your loss, OP.

I haven't read the whole thread.

My neighbour died suddenly when ds was 3 months old, I had no-one to look after him so took him, he gurgled, cried, I bfd him, it was lovely. I lost count of the number of people who came to me afterwards to exclaim how nice it was to have a baby at a funeral for various reasons, life continues and we must celebrate, and a good distraction too. We don't have to be sad.

One week later and my FIL died suddenly- a massive shock. Our older children were 7 & 4. He died away from home at work, and finally came home 2 days later. The funeral director brough his coffin in the dining room (open plan with the kitchen and livingroom) and he lay on the kitchen table. We left the room while MIL stayed with dh and coffin was opened. BIL and SIL then went through, then me and kids and few close relatives. It was for me the first of lots of experiences and although I was petrified it was absolutely the right thing to do, for us. I did wonder how the dcs would cope with it (we had chatted lots previously and all made the decision together, not lightly), and they were absolutely brilliant. For themselves, and for us and for MIL. After a few hours it became "normal" and we all just milled around. Rather surreal but there was no alternative, in our eyes. We both (dh and I) wanted the children at FILs service, which was a cremation. Our first experience of cremation. Our nephew was also there, aged 1. It was a nice distraction. We held a service in the house first then a 70 mile journey to the crematorium. The dcs were very close to their papa and for us we couldn't imagine leaving them out. The dcs were absolutely devastated but coped extremely well with the whole situation. To us it was right because we want them to be able to deal with as much as possible and we thought that hiding it just made it taboo.

However it is very much a personal choice and the decision shoul dbe made on how the child will (likely) deal with it and only you know your child well enough. It's amazing how natural they find it when we allow it to be so. Because in my eyes, it is, and this helps me.

You are right to be cautious, but you will know what is right for you. As someone said it needn't be more distressing than a church service.

For our service, gates closed around FIL's coffin. This was the upsetting part- I liken the feeling to when a coffin is lowered, the most upsetting for me. But you can probably choose this. A friend also lead the services which also made it very personal.

Good luck in your decision, and I wish you lots of luck for sailing through it. HTH.

My DS was 6 when he attended my MIL's funeral, which was a cremation.

Apart from asking 'Is Grandma in that Box'? in a very loud stage whisper, he was fine. We had told him that everyone was very sad to be saying goodbye to Grandma.

As an earlier poster wisely said, death is part of life. Personally I'd rather take a child to a cremation than a burial - at the crematorium, they just see the curtains close. Much less distressing I think than seeing the coffin lowered into the ground.

I'm sorry for your loss

My DC were at their grandparents funeral. Yes it was challenging, but it gave them healthy closure. They also witnessed adults expressing grief and modelling ritual goodbyes. Prior to the funeral they said goodbye to the body at home. A year on, and they still express sadness and anger that GP died, but no horror.

I think it's a natural instinct to want to bustle children away from the trappings of death, but it doesn't always serve them well, and it's not recommended by counselors.

My grandad died and we took our then 3yr old. We told her he had died and was going to be a star and the funeral was a star party. She wore a fancy dress as he knew she loved dressing up and she behaved beautifully. Now every anniversary we go to the crematorium and release a gold star balloon for his 'star birthday'. I never thought we wouldn't take her as she was a part of the family too and he'd have wanted her there x
She lifted everyone's spirits at the wake and as they are so young they really don't understand that they are actually in the box anyway I don't think... personal opinion again though...

I think you can make different choices for different funerals.

When my grandfather died alll his great grand children attended. He was 89 and loved children. He would have smiled at them dancing out of the crem - we chose an uplifting song to leave to. It was a celebration of his long and wonderful life.

When my son died aged 18 mydarling niece was only 4 and it was decided it was too much for her to attend. It brings up too many difficult emotions when you bury a child.

A year later my mum died and my niece then aged 5 came to the funeral tosaygoodbye to hergrandmother. She wore her sparkliest dress to honour her grandmother. But we were again celebrating the life of someone who had lived a long happy life. She cried but she understood it was a time to say goodbye.

She finds it easy to talk about hergrandmotherbut not about my son (her cousin) so maybe she should have attended his funeral.

I agree about different choices. I remember seeing my grandparents who died when I was very young. It was always just a part of life to me.
But I think it varies from situation to situation, and from child to child.

I agree that it might be closure in some instances. It can be good for a child to understand that adults get upset, and to understand that they are sad because someone they loved dearly is gone. But, if it's likely to be very distressing to the child, they could attend part of the funeral, not necessarily the whole thing.

To the OP, and others recently bereaved, my most sincere condolences.

It varies from child to child and how they would be affected.

I also think that it depends on how as an adult you see funerals. People often talk about 'saying goodbye' and how children should be able to do this also. I'm not saying that's wrong, but personally I don't see funerals like that. I go out of respect for the person and for me it is the final act of committing the body. I can only say goodbye to someone who is alive and for me the person isn't the empty shell left. But I totally respect and get that other people would disagree with me.

It is very, very personal and there is no right or wrong imo.

My DC went to two funerals within six months last year, great grandma and grandma, and then on to the crem. They were however older at 10 and 13 and I felt they should go. They were fine. There was also no curtain round the coffin business, we were given the choice about that.
Would I have taken them at 4? No, probably not.

Dd was seven when she went to my dads cremation. She is the sort of child that needs answers to questions. We ended up explaining cremation, certainly not something for all children. She left happier knowing what was happening next.
It is a personal thing and you know your own child best.

My DC's were 2 and 4 then 3 and 4 when my DGFIL and DFIL died within 9 months of each other. We thought it would be too much for them to attend the funeral at that age. We did go to church the next day to see the flowers and they came to see FIL's ashes put in the ground a little time later (just immediate family). They are 6 and 8 now and I probably would take them if they wanted to go.

I think them attending service plus wake but not crem is a fair compromise here.

My Nephews aged 8 and 3 went to their Granddads funeral and the Crematorium.
The 8 year old was very close to his Granddad and wanted to be part of the whole thing.
Yes, he was heartbroken and he cried a lot...like everyone else who loved him.
So long as the adults are not hysterical types who cannot get used to the idea of death themselves and pass on their fears, then I think the children in the family should be allowed to attend IF they want to.

Absolutely she should go. Understanding death is very important. The upsetting thing is that MIL has died not the funeral itself. Stopping children from going to funerals / cremations is damaging as it makes it into a big terrible mystery. If they go they see adults upset, and then see that people go back to normal afterwards.

My family are very anti children at funerals. Even teenagers. My cousins grown up children freak out at the prospect of a funeral because to them it is a terrible big deal that was too awful for them to attend as children.
My children have always attended funerals with me. They behave week, observe, ask questions and then see everyone returning to normal afterwards. Usually people comment that it is nice to have them there as they become a positive focus.

My DD was 3 and her cousin 4 when they attended the funeral of my elder daughter. They were well behaved and appeared to understand the gravity of the circumstances. They we also a wonderful distraction at the cemetery when they played ring a roses by the graveside.

I also took DD to the funeral home to see her big sister and she took a special teddy to lay beside her. We did it at her own pace and were ready to remove her if she was distressed. She was able to say quite clearly that it was her sister but it wasn't. She understood the finality of it.

I think doing these things helped her to understand that her sister had truly gone. In comparison a friend was in a similar situation but shielded her DS from everything. Her DS spent months asking when his sister was coming home.

I don't believe in shielding children from death as it is as normal as birth. Obviously I am not talking violent death as seen in tv but death of an older relative etc. It is okay for children to see grief and start to make sense of it.

blueskyinmarch I think your post shows exactly how it should be. Children fear things we teach them to fear. We shouldn't pass these on to our children.

Children fear things we teach them to fear.

I'm sure that's true. but it is beyond me how not taking a child to a funeral is 'teaching them to fear them'.

There is no right or wrong answer and to tell people otherwise is wrong, pure and simple. There are people on here who have been through awful bereavements and have agonised over doing the right thing for their children. NOT taking DD to my mother's funeral was the right decision, there is no 'how it should be done'. Not taking her to the funeral hardly 'shielded' her from grief. You grieve because you love and miss someone not because you attend a funeral.

As the OP's MIL died nearly 3 weeks ago, I suspect that they may have had the funeral already. In that case, OP, I hope it went as well as can be expected and I'm sure the choice you made was right for your family