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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family bereavement - young children at the crematorium

171 replies

SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2016 20:02

My MIL very sadly died this week following a short illness. We live a long way away from her so I feel very grateful that we made it down to see her this weekend and she had the chance to see my DD4 ( who is her only grandchild). My DH has returned home today and he has told DD that granny has died. She asked a few questions but seemed slightly oblivious about what death is. My husband has been discussing the arrangements for the funeral which are a cremation followed by a church service and a gathering / food/ wake. He assumed that our DD would be attending all parts of this. I was actually a bit horrified about her attending the cremation - that is absolutely not what I want her to remember of her granny. The whole coffin behind the curtain thing is bad enough and I know my husband will be in pieces. I am happy to answer questions about life and death but I don't want her to imagine granny lying in a coffin or being cremated. I am quite happy for her to go to the church service and the wake but she will be the only child attending. If I asked her she would say she wants to go but she would have no idea of what she was agreeing to. I genuinely don't know if IABU. Unfortunately the long distance from us means that there is no- one to watch her for us for the cremation part so I would need to look after her for that part, and as a result would not be able to be with my DH for arguably the most upsetting bit. WWYD?

OP posts:

Waitingfordolly · 21/12/2016 20:47

I took my DD to her cousin's funeral when she was about 8. She asked to go. She got really upset at her DGPs getting upset though and I had to take her out, which was fine. The next one I took her to (I had to drive my mum and dad and couldn't leave her behind) she decided she didn't want to go to the service so we hung around outside and just went to the meal afterwards. That seemed fine too.

Wendalicious · 21/12/2016 20:50

My mum died last year and the cremation was awful, my DD was 4 and I was a mess which she would have been scared to see, the memorial was a celebration and she came to that- said it was a party to celebrate granny's life, sorry for your loss xx

Dontlaugh · 21/12/2016 20:50

Death is a part of life, upsetting as that may be. We were in a situation where a very young child died locally and we had to explain to our own very young children, in terms they could understand, what had happened.
I would bring her, having explained the entire procedure beforehand.
My husband was not brought to his sisters funeral (he was 8, different times). It haunts him now. He wanted to say goodbye.
The cremation issue is a red herring - different cultures bury their dead in different ways, it's a way to explain this, albeit in 4 year old terms.
I've grown up with death and funerals, they are very much a part of life in my experience and I'm glad I went to many funerals for lots of reasons, to say goodbye, to meet family, to grieve together. I've brought my own children to wakes and funerals etc. They are aware of how life and death intertwine.

PlaymobilPirate · 21/12/2016 20:50

It's hard - my dgmil died when ds was just a baby... in their family all children go (ds was the youngest at 6months but there were 5, 6, 8, 10 and 12 year olds there too.

Dgmil was very old and it was seen more as a celebration of her life though.

In my family children don't go - my niece (13) was kept away from our uncle's funeral which I actually thought was wrong - she wanted to go.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 21/12/2016 20:51

I haven't taken my eldest to any funerals that we've attended, she's six now, and I know because she is so sensitive she would picture the coffin/curtains/crying and find it hard to forget the distress.

Mix56 · 21/12/2016 20:56

Yes, if your parents could watch her/them run about outside it would be best.
In reality, the readings etc, are so intense, your DH will not to be able to concentrate on DC, It is all over remarkably fast, & he should know it he will not want the destraction/responsibility of a child, who is needing attention or upset ... if there is no one who can replace you, you stay with her outside.

AndWhat · 21/12/2016 21:06

Just to let you know, you can ask that the curtains stay open the whole way through the cremation service if this would help.
Not many people realise the options available.

HappySeven · 21/12/2016 21:09

I would take her personally. I was kept away from funerals by well meaning parents but it gave me a fear of death. My DH, on the other hand, was allowed to go to whatever he felt he wanted to (he saw his grandfather's body when it was laid out but his brother preferred not to). I think he has a healthier acceptance of death than I do.

TheClacksAreDown · 21/12/2016 21:16

We took our almost 4yo to the funeral of one of their grandparents but didn't take them to the crem. A grandparent from the other side went along with us to look after them whilst DH and I went.

fabulous01 · 21/12/2016 21:19

I think it depends on circumstances. We have this ahead soon as we have a grand parent very poorly and we live far away.
When it happens I will take toddlers to a ply thing or something and join after cremation. This is more about fact it is other people's father etc and I don't think it is appropriate for their grief to have the additional complication of toddlers running around.
I had a lot of death growing up and I remember not necessarily the coffin but the grief of others so I do want this to be different for mine

Dizzybug52 · 21/12/2016 21:21

I have lost my Dad and MIL within 4 months of each other, DD1 was 3, DD2 was 9 months, i didn't take them, DD1 knew what had happened but I wouldn't put her through seeing people cry. She knows far too much about death and dying. They came to the 'party' afterwards which was good for everyone. I've seen little ones taken to gravesides where everyone is crying and they've been inconsolable, there's plenty of time through life to see these things.

BillSykesDog · 21/12/2016 21:21

I wasn't allowed to go to my Great Gran's funeral at the same age and have regretted that. By contrast my in laws in Ireland have kids see the body at the wake and they take it in their stride. I think if it means your husband will be unsupported at the cremation you might have to just go with it. It is part of life and it can make it less frightening ultimately.

RitchyBestingFace · 21/12/2016 21:23

Your DH has just lost his mum. What he wants counts a lot.

I agree with this, he may consider it very important his wife and daughter are with him when he says his last goodbyes to his mum. As you say, you want to support him when he is in the crematorium.

RitchyBestingFace · 21/12/2016 21:25

My DCs (2 and 7) went to a funeral earlier this year - at the last minute DC7 was asked if he wanted to sit with his older cousins in another room but he chose not to. I think it's important they get to say goodbye to people they know. The immediate emotions can be hard to manage (although IME children tend to be curious rather than distressed) but longer term, it's more psychologically healthy.

thatscottishconfection · 21/12/2016 21:26

My DC, 7 and 5, will be there tomorrow.

It's their dad, so I could hardly not take them.

I'm glad we have that bit first and the service to celebrate his life afterwards.

I'm nervous about it, I must admit.

How I miss having DH by my side

dangermouseisace · 21/12/2016 21:29

DS's went to the service, cremation and scattering of ashes for the GF. They seemed to understand, despite being at a very young age, what had happened. He wasn't very old (61). We told them what was going on at each stage according to what was appropriate- i.e. how much they asked. I am a bit odd in that I quite like most funerals, if they are a true celebration of that person, especially if the person was elderly and had been unwell for some time…it kind of tells a story about who they were at their best! The only one I've been to where there was lots of crying (me too- buckets) was a teenager, when I was a teenager.

DD didn't go to her great grandfathers cremation/funeral and struggled to get a grip on what had happened…it is quite abstract trying to explain it to her!! I haven't had such a problem with the boys as they know what happens in a very matter of fact way.

I think you have to go with whatever you think is right. All I can say is that through working with people with learning disabilities I came across a lot of people who felt upset that they had been excluded from funerals/cremations of family when they were children (to 'protect' them, especially as they were mentally at a younger age)

Death is a part of life…I think if you know about the processes then there is less to be scared off IYSWIM. But I can only speak from my experience.

I didn't go to my first funeral until I was in my late teens. I was horrified when I found out that people were actually buried in the ground when I was a child walking around the crematorium with my grandad! I developed a real fear/obsession with being buried alive/cremated alive from then onwards which lasted for many years. Maybe if I'd been to funerals etc before I wouldn't have been so freaked out!

dangermouseisace · 21/12/2016 21:30

tunnock I absolutely wish you all the very best for tomorrow

amicissimma · 21/12/2016 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 21/12/2016 21:31

All my family on both sides have chosen cremations, so I have been to quite a few. I was a bit older than your daughter when I went to the first one, but I don´t remember being shocked or upset about it (more than I already was upset, in any case). I didn´t really understand what was happening at that age. Even as an adult, I haven´t found cremation a more upsetting way to say good bye to someone than burial.

But really, only you can decide how your daughter is likely to handle it.

amicissimma · 21/12/2016 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ferrisday · 21/12/2016 21:35

There's no right or wrong in this situation
It's difficult if you and dh feel differently.
I guess you need to be there to support him.
I felt very strongly that my ds (7) didn't attend his own father's service. And I don't regret it. He came later for the 'party' and we said goodbye in other ways.
But they do understand in their own way, you just have to explain things carefully

HoHoHammered · 21/12/2016 21:37

My grandad died this year and his entire service was at the crem

It was a really lovely service tbh but only because my children wasn't there.

It allowed me to grieve without worrying my children.

The end of it was the coffin moving backwards and the curtains closing. Nothing else to see.

Ferrisday · 21/12/2016 21:40

Thatscottishconfection
Deep breaths, walk tall, you'll get through it.
Lots of love. X

ShinyMoonFace · 21/12/2016 21:46

So sorry for your loss.

I agree that what your DH feels comfortable with is probably best at this point.

FWIW, DS was aged 5 when my FIL died. He sat quiet as a mouse until almost the end when he piped up in a loud voice; 'Can we hurry up and sing 'Happy Birthday' to Grandad now?'

It was a lovely moment where everyone laughed through their tears. :)

ShinyMoonFace · 21/12/2016 21:50

scottish

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