Family bereavement - young children at the crematorium

[SpiritedLondon]

My MIL very sadly died this week following a short illness. We live a long way away from her so I feel very grateful that we made it down to see her this weekend and she had the chance to see my DD4 ( who is her only grandchild). My DH has returned home today and he has told DD that granny has died. She asked a few questions but seemed slightly oblivious about what death is. My husband has been discussing the arrangements for the funeral which are a cremation followed by a church service and a gathering / food/ wake. He assumed that our DD would be attending all parts of this. I was actually a bit horrified about her attending the cremation - that is absolutely not what I want her to remember of her granny. The whole coffin behind the curtain thing is bad enough and I know my husband will be in pieces. I am happy to answer questions about life and death but I don't want her to imagine granny lying in a coffin or being cremated. I am quite happy for her to go to the church service and the wake but she will be the only child attending. If I asked her she would say she wants to go but she would have no idea of what she was agreeing to. I genuinely don't know if IABU. Unfortunately the long distance from us means that there is no- one to watch her for us for the cremation part so I would need to look after her for that part, and as a result would not be able to be with my DH for arguably the most upsetting bit. WWYD?

Whichever way you decide, a book you might find helpful to share with your daughter at this time is Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley.

My DC went to my goddaughter's funeral (their friend) when they were 5 & 7. I was so worried about it but they handled it amazingly well and I think it helped with the grieving process.

It's such a personal decision though x

When my MIL died we had her grandchildren aged 1.5, 2, 5.5, 6.5, 9, 10, 11, 13 and 15 at the church service and the burial. My mother walked dd1 (2) around the cemetary and dniece's (1.5) father looked after her. The rest stayed with their parents or other relatives (I took some of my nieces out of the church service for a break when they became too upset).

My grandmother's funeral and cremation is next week. Dd1 is now 7.5 and will be attending. DH is staying home with dd2 (4) and ds (3) as they will not understand.

I have prepared dd1 by talking lots about what will happen on the day. You know your child. I think you also have to consider your DH, does he have family to support him if you are not present for the final part of the cremation? You could take dd out before the coffin goes behind the door if that works for you.

OP my DGM recently died and I took both of our DCs to the crematorium. The youngest was 3 1/3 years. He completely understood what was going, really appreciated and took seriously his chance to say goodbye. I'm utterly convinced it has helped him understand the whole process of his DGGM not being here anymore.

He saw the coffin, he waved goodbye.

What he didn't see is the big boxed turned in to a little box. I kept them away from the internment because I didn't think a discussion about cremation was going to add anything positive to their learning of death.

But we do visit her burial site often which is always more joyous than sad.

All they know is that DGGM is now food for the worms and trees.

Good luck.

Everybody is different and 1 way isn't right for every family.
In our case, when my wife died earlier this year, there was no way DD(2) wasn't going to be there.
We had church service, crematorium then funeral tea. DD was a regular church goer with her mum so it was explained as we were having a special church service to say goodbye to her mum. She (and her cousins DT(4)) were all fine, though we did have the coffin moved off to one side rather than centrally infront of us to avoid the 'whats in the box' questions.
When it came to the crematorium, 1 person (my mum) stayed with all the kids outside the crem - they actually had a snack picnic on a rug on a nice patch of grass in the cemetery (kids seem ok with cemeterys). I'm glad we did it this way as the service there was harder (more final as the curtain closed), but I can still tell her in future that she was there in a way.

My MIL died earlier this year and my 14 nephew came but none of the other 10 grandchildren came aged from 11 down to 3. My nephew found the service very hard and absolutely didn't want to come to the burial. It was entirely his choice but my sister was pleased, she felt it was too much for him and my mum stayed with him. I genuinely think she's too young but I think I'm in the minority, I just don't think that funerals are for children especially under the age of about 13.

Cornflower that's a pretty sweeping statement. How can you declare all funerals not for all children?

I'd argue that a 3yo is far better equipped for dealing with bereavement and a funeral than a 13yo. They take things on face value more easily.

Death is Life. There's no need to cast a mystery over it.

Like so many others have said, it is a very personal choice based on the child, the funeral, the child's relationship with the deceased and probably a whole host of other factors.

Ask about what will happen to the coffin at the cremation service. I know for my grandmother it lowered, and even as a teenager I shuddered at the idea that it was being lowered into the flames... for my FIL I took our young children out for the cremation part, where the coffin was moved out (I think it slid backwards behind a curtain).

They were fine during the service, but only family stayed for the final part, and I think that would have been distressing - the emotion and the questions of where the coffin went etc.

We also didn't bring them when we buried the ashes (he had a plot in a cemetary for them), but we visit the grave regularly.

I certainly wouldn't take her to the crem - well, I didn't take mine to the crem, and, in all the funerals I've been to, over a lot of years, it's very, very rare that I've ever seen small dc at the crem - my 'real life' experience in no way reflects the numbers of people on MN who say they would.

Is there not someone who lives down there that would keep an eye on her for that short time? Someone your MiL knew? Someone from the Church? Presumably your dh grew up there - there must be someone who would keep an eye on her for the 20mins or so you are in the crem. I do think it's important for you to be there to support your dh, but I certainly wouldn't take her in.

We took ours to my Dad's funeral, when they were 5 and 3 - didn't even occur to us not to, to be honest. They were very close to their Grandad and when given the choice of going to see him in his casket, both chose to do so, and on the day both decided to kiss him too. They still remember this and the funeral, and are so grateful that they went.
We didn't have the option of attending the cremation service as this is done differently in our country, but I would have brought the children to anything that I was attending myself. They deserve no less.

I went to a funeral last year where there were children that age, and there was no curtain or movement of the coffin or anything like that. Nice (emotional) service and then we all trooped out to view the flowers in the memorial garden before the wake. It felt appropriate for children. But obviously you know your own DD.

When my DGM died I was 7. My DM felt I shouldn't be at the funeral but had to take Dsis as she was a baby. My 2 cousins, one aged 8 and the other 5 were allowed to go.

Tbh it caused me to massively resent my DParents for a very long time and I ended up needing counselling as an adult. The reason I resented them for it was because I wasn't allowed at the funeral because 'coffin/death' and yet I was allowed to see my DGM laid out and even kissed her goodbye and wasn't affected by that in the slightest.

My DParents have admitted they cocked up but still feel they acted in my best interest. I have admitted that I will move on from it but probably won't ever forgive them.

A good friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago she was 86, just behind me at the service was a couple with a little tot around 3 years old, he was being good but burbling away to himself quire loudly so his mum took him out.

Personally I thought it sad that she did, having a little one so full of life and innocence behind me made me smile, it reminded me that life goes on and lifted my sadness.

Obviously its up to the relatives and the people who know the child best to make the decision, but to say having a child at a funeral is a distraction or not appropriate is wrong IMO.

I agree with taking young children to funerals, it teaches them from a young age that it's ordinary, rather than something secret, kept from them and blown up in their imaginations into Something Scary.

If you ask re the crem service, the curtains can be left open.

My young children watched their father die. And they went to his funeral. Don't understand why people would hide this stuff from their children. Its part of the life / death cycle. Not pleasant. But life isn't all roses is it.

I don't think children should be taken to funerals for the purpose of "light relief" or otherwise. How can you know if everyone there will appreciate it when little Johnny pipes up with a silly question at a point in the service? They may laugh, but really ... I think it comes down to the individual child and the amount of time you'll be able to spend with her at the service. Prepare her for what she's likely to see and how she's expected to behave. If you don't think she can stay quiet and still for that amount of time, find an alternative. Remember the service isn't about her - it's about your MIL, so your husband should be thought about first.

Oh I don't know, the light relief of children at funerals can be very warming to the soul.

I do think children should and can go to funerals. Age dependant, if they are mature and can cope with it.
My mil was adored by all her grandchildren and they all came to her funeral this summer. A huge variety of ages between youngest and oldest.
I did exactly as my husband wished, because it was as his mum. I think that is of vital importance. Is it to you?

YANBU. Rituals around the coffin are bloody weird.

My children are 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12. They all came to their dad's cremation. They lost their dad, they know what death is - wether they went to it or not. They all wrote 1 thing down that they wish they could have told their dad - someone read them out, then the DC put a rose on his coffin (even the 4 year old) and I think it helped them massively - they felt like they were able to say a final thing to him. I wouldn't have changed anything.

This has made me cry though definitely was a very hard day.

Oh, thanks for all judging though.

I think it's a good thing for children to go to funerals and for mourners to have children there. (Though clearly not badly behaved ones of irresponsible distant cousins!).

I think 4 is probably the best age tbh. Old enough to understand the need to sit still & be quiet, yet young enough that they just accept what's happening.

There's no way my children wouldn't have been at my Dad's funeral.

Children at funerals are not so much 'light relief' (though they can be) more a good reminder of the life cycle if the person was elderly (less so if it's a younger person).

Spiritedlondon I am so sorry for your loss.

I really do not know there is a right answer here. It is choice and to be honest I think parents should make that choice, not random strangers on the internet. But I know why you are asking, to see if you are being unreasonable. You are not being unreasonable.

My mother died this year, my kids were 5 and 11 at the time. They both came to the wake and we asked them whether they wanted to come to the service at the crematorium. My five year old son did not want to come, which was fine, he stayed at school and dh picked him up after the service. My 11 year old dd did come.

This worked well for us.

I think a service with coffin etc can be traumatic for kids. If you really cannot bear the idea of your daughter coming then I think you need to tell your dh. But if you can face it and she wishes to come then make sure she knows what to expect. The coffin will be there, the body of grandma will be in the coffin. What you tell her about granny's spirit etc will be up to you. As Christians we said about heaven etc. But even if you believe nothing about an after life you can still say that the body left behind is not the person who was loved by all the family (in age appropriate words).

If you cannot bear for her to go, can you get someone, a good friend or whatever, to sit with her at the venue for the wake?

My sister and I actually chose to have our mum's funeral local to me for childcare reasons (she lived further away but family were more local to me so it did make sense). But I realise you cannot make any changes here so you would need to take someone with you to look after dd (your parents?), if possible.

I think funerals do not necessarily teach children about death, they can be distressing, it is hard to see adults very upset, and unless it is a parent or sibling there is really no reason to burden a young child with this experience unless the child really does want to be included.

Adults who are grieving the loss of a parent should still be able to put the needs of their children first, IMHO.

Although some people clearly resent the fact they were not allowed to attend a funeral. Which I find a very unusual idea, perhaps a misplaced guilt about not being able to be there. But of course as a child it would not be the child's fault for not being there.

I think the idea of kissing the dead body must be a cultural thing, I've never known it myself.I think I would have found this very distressing as a child.

I saw my mum die (well almost, I was in the loo) but I did kiss her after she had died, if I remember rightly. But within a very short time she looked quite different, rather waxy and I prefer to remember her as she was before she got ill.