Family bereavement - young children at the crematorium

[SpiritedLondon]

My MIL very sadly died this week following a short illness. We live a long way away from her so I feel very grateful that we made it down to see her this weekend and she had the chance to see my DD4 ( who is her only grandchild). My DH has returned home today and he has told DD that granny has died. She asked a few questions but seemed slightly oblivious about what death is. My husband has been discussing the arrangements for the funeral which are a cremation followed by a church service and a gathering / food/ wake. He assumed that our DD would be attending all parts of this. I was actually a bit horrified about her attending the cremation - that is absolutely not what I want her to remember of her granny. The whole coffin behind the curtain thing is bad enough and I know my husband will be in pieces. I am happy to answer questions about life and death but I don't want her to imagine granny lying in a coffin or being cremated. I am quite happy for her to go to the church service and the wake but she will be the only child attending. If I asked her she would say she wants to go but she would have no idea of what she was agreeing to. I genuinely don't know if IABU. Unfortunately the long distance from us means that there is no- one to watch her for us for the cremation part so I would need to look after her for that part, and as a result would not be able to be with my DH for arguably the most upsetting bit. WWYD?

RhodaBorrocks I really hope you do not mind me saying, but I am sorry you feel so sad about not being allowed to go to your grandmother's funeral.

Please, please forgive your parents for making a decision they felt was in your best interests at the time. Your presence at the funeral would have had no effect at all on your grandmother but your resentment of your parents for their choice, and your failure to forgive them of this, may well cause you some high degree of unhappiness, especially when they die and you realize you have allowed this to affect your relationship with them.

Both my parents are dead now and knowing that our relationships were as good as they could be is a comfort.

Of course there may be other things you are hanging on to for good reason but this seems very counter productive. Really it seems a very destructive thing to hang on to. I am sure your grandmother would not have wanted this to come from her passing.

I hope you do not mind my saying. My mother died this year and it is very hard to go through this, but being on good terms with her helped a lot in the way my sister and I handled it all.

When my dad died my Dd was 8. I asked her if she wanted to go she said no. But my ds came he was 3 he has no memory of it now. He did not understand what was going on. I don't know why I asked but. I asked him where in the box. He said toys. So he really had no understanding at all.

I don't think it's an easy thing to answer. Every family is different. I have only been to one as an adult.

Sorry to hear about your MIL. At the age of four, your DD may well have her own opinions on whether or not she'd like to go to the crematorium. My DDs came to the funeral of a very close friend recently and I looked after his two preschool children during the funeral service in the church and at my house during the cremation (they were given the choice).

Before the funeral, I took my DDs to a local funeral parlour where my 6-yr-old quizzed the undertaker on all sorts of things including how they could be certain the right person was in the coffin, whether or not the coffin was comfortable etc. We were even given coffin catalogues to take away! It may not be an approach that suits everyone but it demystified the coffin for my DDs and for my 6-yr-old, offered an opportunity to see for herself that our friend was going to be well looked after.

Although I explained to my two that the cremation was when the coffin went into a very hot furnace and was burnt, they weren't interested in attending. They were adamant that they wanted to come to the funeral though and I'm glad they did.

I think it's good for children to attend funerals and pay their respects to the memory of the person that's passed away. If they don't go as children it's more upsetting for them later as they haven't developed any coping skills.

I used to go to funerals as a child but my DH didn't as his parents sheltered him from them. He gets in a state about going to them now as he's not used to them.

I think it would be awful for you and DD not to go to the crematorium. You can ask for the coffin not to go on the conveyor belt.

My nieces and nephews were all at mym mum's funeral. Having said that, they were either under 2 (so too young to realise what was happening, or 9 upwars, so old enough to understand what was going on, and to behav themselves appropriately. There was no question though of them not coming though. Those that were born at the time were also at my grandparents' funerals a few years back (only the oldest was around when my dad died and he-my nephew-was only 4 months old.)

I'm from an Irish Catholic background where children at funerals is seen as normal.

Certainly having the kids at my mum's funeral did brighten up the atmosphere a bit.

I don't think children should be taken to funerals for the purpose of "light relief" or otherwise. How can you know if everyone there will appreciate it when little Johnny pipes up with a silly question at a point in the service?

TheClaws I didn't say I took my son 'to provide light relief', the thought would never have entered my head. I said he did provide some, but not with silly questions or anything, he made a couple of lovely comments during the service which a lot of people heard and it helped them to be less distraught.

I definitely wasn't saying that I think all children should go to all funerals, just giving my recent experience as my son is the same age as the OPs child.

At that age, children won't understand the whole ritual of a funeral, but they are little emotional sponges. They literally absorb the feelings of those around them, which will be very heavy at a funeral. Also, no child of that age understands why their close family is so upset. Horrible to see a parent cry.

I think it is for each family to decide but I missed out on two grandparents funerals cause I was deemed too. Yet I knew fine well that they had died and that I would not see them again so did miss out on saying goodbye. I was about 4 and then about 7.

I would say let her attend but it also depends on the service. A perfunctory service by a locum minister can often be dull and unhelpful. A passionate service by a minister who knew the person or a humanist celebrant who wants the life story to celebrate the life and family of the person is far better.

It's personal preference but I would take mine. At my godmother's funeral all her grandchildren were there, they released balloons after and I think it helped the family to have them there. My friend's baby passed away recently and I took my ds, it was sad but helped him to understand and to say goodbye.

I think it's a really tricky and emotional decision, before my recent experience I would have said I wouldn't take my 4 year old but this has changed things.
I prepared my son as best I could and he understood the process and order of the day, he understands (as much as he can) what death means and he is dealing with it all very well as I've been as open with him as is appropriate.

The comment from a PP about children absorbing other people's emotions and that no child understands why family is upset isn't true as a broad generalisation. I'm not saying the reverse is true either, it is completely individual and the OP and her husband are the best people to make this decision for their daughter.
My son understood and accepted everyone's emotions then and now and we've spent time explaining that emotions are healthy and it's ok to be sad.

I think I'm probably too emotionally invested in this subject at the moment but I don't think anyone outside the immediate family can say a definitive yes or no but we can offer our experiences and advice to help the OP and her husband make this difficult choice.

lht22 he made a couple of lovely comments during the service which a lot of people heard and it helped them to be less distraught.

How could you possibly know that? I'm glad he helped you; that is a good thing. But you can't assume it would help other people. A funeral service isn't the place for a child to be making comments, lovely or otherwise.

TheClaws
I know that because people told me. I made no assumptions.
The people at my husband's funeral were our family and friends, people who are around my son all the time, they wouldn't tell me that if it wasn't true. The selfish part me of me also thinks that I don't particularly care if it helped or hindered other people, a funeral is a place for family and friends to celebrate someone's life and to say goodbye. My son lost his Dad, he is most entitled to be there.
I'm well aware that a funeral isn't a place for a child to be commenting and I did my best to stop him, however, he's 4, he talks when he shouldn't sometimes.
At no point did I say he helped me, as much as it makes me feel like a shit mum and it hurts to admit this, it would have been much easier for me to grieve without our child around.
It also did not help to have an elderly relative their who wailed and almost collapsed at one point, can I say she shouldn't be there? No. And neither would I because people have the right to grieve.

As I said earlier, I am very emotionally invested in this subject at the moment, so I'm probably taking more offence to your comments than I normally would. I hope my reply doesn't read too rudely.

Sorry for your loss OP
My DM died earlier this year and ds1 (4) came to her funeral. I felt that as she was an important part of his life he should have the opportunity to say goodbye and celebrate her life.
My sister decided that her dc (4 & 7) wouldn't attend which was her choice.
Either decision is equally valid and depends on how you and dc feel about being there.

lht22 You shouldn't be taking my comments as offensive or personal, as they aren't. Nothing I've written is offensive or rude, and neither are yours. I'm sorry for your situation. Of course your son should have been at his father's funeral - I don't recall you even stating that in your post? Forgive me if I missed that. However, I still do think in most cases small children are best kept away from funerals until they have a better understanding of things.

The claws I took your comments to be rude.

namechangebitch See above. Nothing I wrote was rude or offensive. You need to rethink your definition of curt, judgemental bollocks.

I come from a big family. There have sadlybeena number of funerals over the years and most had at least 3 children. I personally think it's healthy for children to see and be allowed to express their own grief. They also bring joy to the situation... I went to a few funerals as a child and wasn't traumatised.

I took my 4 year old son to a funeral recently, that was a difficult decision but it was his Dad who died so I felt that the only option was to take him.

This is where I said it, just above the comment I made about him providing light relief.

I didn't say or mean that your comments were offensive, I was saying that I took offence. I was just trying to explain why I might have sounded rude, I didn't mean to, it's just extremely emotive at the moment and I'm genuinely trying to help the OP make a pretty big decision.
However, saying 'you shouldn't be taking my comments as offensive' isn't fair. You can't tell me how I should or shouldn't feel.

Lots of different thoughts on this. I live in Ireland and for us funerals were always a big deal and still are. I was brought to all the relatives funerals as a child. I would often would have seen the body laid out etc. It is dealt with very respectfully I have no issue with children attending we completely underestimate what children are able for. Death is a fact of life and it actually helps children come to terms with what happened if they can be part of this collective grief. My dh is English and I find their approach to death bizarre it is rarely talked about children kept away and I feel that is such an unhealthy approach. Of course your dh will be upset but what is wrong with a child seeing that? explain he is going to miss his mum it will help her understand the concept of death. It also helps them come to terms with the death because they have a memory of a funeral rather then the person just disappearing. I think it is an important family gathering and children have a place at that.

In Ireland children usually attend funerals. They're very much a community affair & a celebration of life. Children get comfortable with the idea that death is part of life. They also happen very quickly so most people would find it difficult to get childcare.

I took my toddler to a friend's mum's funeral.

Lots of people told me at the wake that it was lovely to have children there as it was a reminder that life goes on.

So he definitely brought comfort. It wasn't an intended consequence (I brought him because the funeral was a long way away and i didn't have anyone to look after him) but a happy one.

I did check with my friend and her family if it was okay to bring him.

Personally I think children should be involved in our cultural rituals around death as much as anything else. But I appreciate not everyone believes that.

My mum's Irish and I have attended funerals since I was very small. I honestly believe it has given me a healthier attitude towards death than many people of my age who were in their 20s before they went to a funeral.

Theclaws I was tempted to dissect your comment, but this thread is about bigger more important issues.

We all do what we have to do at difficult times. Sometimes right, sometimes wrong. What we need to do is help the OP who is suffering. I think Iht22 by offering her personal experiences was doing that, we need to be gentle and supportive.

AndWhat is right - you don't have to have the curtains closing.