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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family bereavement - young children at the crematorium

171 replies

SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2016 20:02

My MIL very sadly died this week following a short illness. We live a long way away from her so I feel very grateful that we made it down to see her this weekend and she had the chance to see my DD4 ( who is her only grandchild). My DH has returned home today and he has told DD that granny has died. She asked a few questions but seemed slightly oblivious about what death is. My husband has been discussing the arrangements for the funeral which are a cremation followed by a church service and a gathering / food/ wake. He assumed that our DD would be attending all parts of this. I was actually a bit horrified about her attending the cremation - that is absolutely not what I want her to remember of her granny. The whole coffin behind the curtain thing is bad enough and I know my husband will be in pieces. I am happy to answer questions about life and death but I don't want her to imagine granny lying in a coffin or being cremated. I am quite happy for her to go to the church service and the wake but she will be the only child attending. If I asked her she would say she wants to go but she would have no idea of what she was agreeing to. I genuinely don't know if IABU. Unfortunately the long distance from us means that there is no- one to watch her for us for the cremation part so I would need to look after her for that part, and as a result would not be able to be with my DH for arguably the most upsetting bit. WWYD?

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 21/12/2016 21:54

@thatscottishconfection
I am very sorry you are going through this and wish you and your children strength for tomorrow.

lht22 · 21/12/2016 22:03

I took my 4 year old son to a funeral recently, that was a difficult decision but it was his Dad who died so I felt that the only option was to take him. I thought about the future and how, when he's older, he could have been angry if I made the decision not to allow him to go and say goodbye with everyone else.
It was incredibly hard but he did provide some light relief at points and I do think it's healthy for children to see adults being openly emotional.
I did have a back-up plan that my mum would take him out of it got too much for him.

Scottish
I'm so sorry for your loss too, no situation is the same as yours but my husband died almost 4 months ago so if I can offer you any help please let me know.

fluffandsnuff · 21/12/2016 22:03

Flowers Scottish

When we went to DHs Granny's funeral at the crem there were children there- I think the youngest was about 4. They had headphones and something to watch for the most upsetting bit and it worked well for them. Didn't take my own DS who is younger.

RitchyBestingFace · 21/12/2016 22:08

Flowers scottish

Original poster
SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2016 22:12

Scottish what a horrible horrible situation. I know that death is hard at any time of the year but it feels rough so close to Christmas. I've been running around trying to make sure that DD still has a great day. Of course she will not be suffering as much as your children. I wish you and your children all the best. I'm sure you have some wonderful memories.

OP posts:
Dizzybintess · 21/12/2016 22:16

I was not allowed to any as a child even my grandmothers at the age of 14. I wish I could have Been there for that one as that's the one I vividly remember.

Original poster
SpiritedLondon · 21/12/2016 22:22

lht my thoughts to you too. Sad times. Unfortunately the funeral will be a long way from my parents ( 6 hours in the car) so it's not massively practical to have my DM to come - but that would have been a good back up plan. I think I'm just going to have to play it by ear. Thank you everybody for your experiences. I do think children should learn about life and death but I'm not sure that they need to know everything at 4..... there's plenty of time. I do wonder though if our culture nowadays has contributed to my fears somewhat. We don't tend to do open caskets do we in England? ( do we?). I know in Ireland it was a common thing and I imagine children were exposed to that practice at an early age. I can't really imagine that but perhaps that's part of my problem.

OP posts:
DailyFail1 · 21/12/2016 22:23

All the kids in my family attend funerals of close family, as they also attend weddings and other ceremonies/parties. I wouldn't dream of excluding my child from their grandparents' funerals - death is a part of life. It's shit that it happens but it's a sign of respect for them to be there and be present

anotherdayanothersquabble · 21/12/2016 22:25

I have lived in three countries and different cultures see the rituals around death in different ways. I don't know what is best.

I read this thinking I did but we all do what we think is best and our experience colours our feelings on the matter.

.. talk to your husband and listen to what he has to say. .. see if that changes your mind.

lht22 · 21/12/2016 22:31

Spirited
Thank you. I totally agree about them not knowing everything, I think I had it a little easier as my son had asked a lot of questions about death about a month before it happened (it was very sudden and unexpected so don't know where the question came from) so he knew a bit before I had to tell him about his Dad.
He's starting to ask questions about Daddy being in the coffin and what happened after the funeral so I'm trying to come up with an appropriate explanation about cremation but I can't think of anything yet that would be helpful or ok for a 4 year old to hear.

A back-up plan is a great idea but you're right that it wouldn't be practical for your mum to go. Is there a relative on your husband's side of the family who would be able to do similar? Maybe someone not as close?

jayisforjessica · 21/12/2016 22:47

This is more about fact it is other people's father etc and I don't think it is appropriate for their grief to have the additional complication of toddlers running around.

This. My father's funeral was ruined by a reprobate of a distant cousin who thought it would be fine to bring her small child and then allow him to screech throughout the entire service without even attempting to quiet him or take him out. My final memories of my father are not of a lovely peaceful time bidding him farewell, they're of fuming at my piece of trash relative who clearly gave no hoots about anyone but herself.

I do not think young children belong at funerals. By their very nature, children demand (and deserve) attention. At a funeral, the attention is and must be on the deceased. To bring a child who then has to be seen to is just drawing the focus away from the point of the day, and that, to me, is so incredibly selfish I can't even comprehend it.

There are those who will say "Well, little Johnny had a relationship with Great Uncle Mervyn too" well that may be, but Little Johnny is three, doesn't understand why everyone is so sad, isn't going to understand no matter how much you explain it (he is too young to comprehend death and its enormity), and honestly will gain nothing from being at the funeral. All Little Johnny understands about the day is that he's being told to sit still and be quiet for a very long time, which he didn't sign on for and doesn't want to do. All the other funeral goers will remember is "Hey, remember at Great Uncle Mervyn's funeral when we couldn't even hear the eulogy because Little Johnny was creating and Cousin Tessa wouldn't take him out?"

KERALA1 · 21/12/2016 22:53

I was 6 my dsis 4 when a grandfather died, we played at a neighbours. Good call as still remember my grandmother sobbing in the kitchen which we found upsetting and I still remember to this day. Also agree with poster above - it can be selfish if the child plays up, different if deceased a parent of course.

MollyHuaCha · 21/12/2016 22:58

Sorry for your loss. Flowers Death is certainly a part of life's learning experiences. I have taken a baby to a funeral before, but would not take a child between the ages of one and around 7. This is partly because it could be scary for them and partly because I think the other mourners need space to, well, mourn, without distracting children around. I guess it would depend on the child. If I thought the child was mature I might take a six yr old. But one of my DCs was not mature for age and I wouldn't have taken him to a funeral till he was around 11. Go with your gut feeling.

Buttercupsandaisies · 21/12/2016 23:11

I don't take my kids to funerals - you don't need to attend a funeral to understand life and death. Mine are 11&9 and have never been to one. I'm almost 40 and have o my been to two - I can't stand them and avoid at all costs unless very immediate family.

Glastonbury · 21/12/2016 23:20

I have always taken my children to funerals from being tiny babies. They were also in the choir so have sang at many too.

llangennith · 21/12/2016 23:22

She won't really understand what's going on in detail (unless you're daft enough to tell her). She'll just know it's a sad occasion and that it's ok to be sad that someone you loved has died but we get over it.

Seryph · 21/12/2016 23:24

We've had (I think) 13 funerals in the past 16 years. though a few of those were in the same year. I've been to 9 of them and went to about three more before the age of 10.
Crematoriums are actually generally quite nice places, and there is certainly nothing to suggest what is about to happen to the coffin.
Honestly, only take your child if they can sit quietly for the service, that also applies to the church service, and the wake. I think I'd be quite annoyed with a child running about and screaming at any of them. Crying, or being upset because someone is dead is okay, but silliness, no.
If they can be trusted to be sensible then that's fine and it would be lovely to have them there for other members of the family probably.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/12/2016 23:26

both of mine have been to funerals for their grandparents. at age 4 and 6..

ds also managed to ask where grandma was as the coffin was brought in. grandamas immediate relatives wanted them there though. and wanted me to ride in the funeral car with ex and the children.

both of them have been to a cremation and a burial.

Alorsmum · 21/12/2016 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buttercupsandaisies · 21/12/2016 23:32

I disagree

Crematoriums can be very upsetting - at all the ones I've been to, once the coffin goes behind the curtain there's been quite vocal displays of grief - family crying out etc- way too much for young kids

rightsaidfrederickII · 21/12/2016 23:38

FWIW, Winston's Wish, the child bereavement charity has some useful advice on this very topic www.winstonswish.org.uk/funerals-and-other-memorials/

gillyweed · 21/12/2016 23:42

We took my kids (1 and 4) to my mums funeral this year. I had an age appropriate chat with the eldest; explains what would happen and how sad everyone would be, also that they were all there because they loved her etc.

I think it's essential kids are aware of life/death and all it encompasses - she really like the idea that her Nain will become dust and that dust will be sprinkled on the garden, and then Nain will be in everything that grows.

I think it depends on the child, how you phrase it and your beliefs.

Totherighttotheleft · 21/12/2016 23:44

I was 8 when my father died. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. He was cremated. I wish I was allowed to go. It hasn't affected my life, but I would have liked to have been there

stillwantrachelshair · 21/12/2016 23:46

We had this dilemma last year when FIL died. DH assumed the then 6yo and 3yo would attend; I had assumed they wouldn't. The funeral was 4hrs from where we lived & 7 hours from my parents.
Ultimately, it was DH's decision but my arguments essentially came down to childcare & logistics. Who would look after the DC in the crem & then in the church - ultimately, me in which case I didn't think it was appropriate to sit at the front with the rest of the family. What happened if DC2 needed a wee and, whilst I was taking him to the loo, DC1 needed something but this coincided with DH doing his reading or consoling his mother or similar?
From a logistical perspective, can you put car seats in a hearse? If not, how would we transport the DC between venues (travelling 15 miles on major A roads). What were the DC actually going to do at the hall where the wake was? Sticker books will only entertain them for so long.
I think the final thing which persuaded DH was the circle of support thing. MIL was chief mourner & part of DH's role was to support her. My role was to support him (including supporting him to support her) not to run around after two DC. DH said as we left the wake that we'd made the right decision & I have since heard him say it at least twice to friends. In these particular circumstances, I think you are too close to the centre of grief to be distracted & there is no one there who is more of an onlooker who knows the DCs.

DPotter · 21/12/2016 23:46

At my mil recent cremation, we didn't have the curtain closing, which I agree can be a bit melodramatic.
Might be something to think about and ask the undertakers about?

In general I think children should be taken to funerals, be they burials or cremations. I am still sad I wasn't allowed to attend my Grandad's funeral when I was 8.