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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

264 replies

Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 00:26

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas EveHmm) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? Angry

OP posts:
embo1 · 21/12/2016 09:14

I think OP's 'friend' made an error in judgement (as it would offend some and not others) and should be given the opportunity to understand OP's feelings and apologise for offending the OP.

LittleBooInABox · 21/12/2016 09:16

I'm not ignoring the long history, in fact I am well aware of the long history. But I think sometimes it does more harm than good. If it's brought up constantly. No one alone today, or any colour kept slaves or was a slave. So punishing a whole group of people, maybe punishing was the wrong word, but holding a whole race of people as racist because of thing they personally had no say in, is in my opinion part of the problem.

Your never going to stop racism if one group of people feel there constantly paying for sins of there ancestors. Is my point. Black and white only have negative connotations because we let them.

Also, I'm not missing the point. If she meant it in a racist way then that's unreasonable but if she didn't think and said it because I assume there's a lot of things going on for her. Doesn't make it right, but it's worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. It could be another reasons entirely. I'm saying consider all options first.

BakeOffBiscuits · 21/12/2016 09:25

As well as being a racist insensitive cow, it's like she was asking to borrow an inanimate objectHmm.

She doesn't even deem him important enough to ask if he is OK to come and rile her ex. It's all between her and the wife.

Racist cow.

BakeOffBiscuits · 21/12/2016 09:28

"Your not going to stop racism if one group of people feel there constantly paying for sins of there ancestors."

Hmm

Well I'll just correct that for you....

You're not going to stop racism if one group of people feel they don't need to pay attention, acknowledge and never forget the sins of their ancestors.

krustykittens · 21/12/2016 09:28

Nothing to add just Shock

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 21/12/2016 09:30

Your never going to stop racism if one group of people feel there constantly paying for sins of there ancestors.

Yeah, poor old white people, facing constant discrimation and disadvantage due to the sins of our ancestors...Hmm Shock You might want to do some reading about "White Privilege"

Anyway, OP, I agree with sending her a text explaining why what she said was so very offensive and then ending the friendship.

RhiWrites · 21/12/2016 09:31

Littleboo, sorry to say you're wrong about no one alive today keeping slaves or being enslaved. That still happens.

The friend was racist in wanting to use OP's husband because of the colour of his skin. That is racist. Don't make excuses for racists by saying friend wasn't thinking or had a lot of other stuff going on.

Part of reason racism is alive and well today is that well-meaning people excuse it as ignorance.

Kennington · 21/12/2016 09:32

So she had 3 kids with a racist and now decides to wind him up about it? Those poor children. Terrible for you I would have been speachless too.

Satisfactorylemon · 21/12/2016 09:33

Ditch the bitch.
SHE is racist. Very childless, too.

drspouse · 21/12/2016 09:38

Suggest she nip over to Holland and borrow one of these instead. Because that's just as acceptable.

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'
AwadebumboMk2 · 21/12/2016 09:45

Why is it that whenever someone does or says something racist, Some people start talking about consider the context, and surrounding circumstances and excuses are trotted out as to why it may be all some big misunderstanding.
That's not the point the offensive words coming out of their mouths are the point, their actions that cause real hurt and harm to people are the point.

M0stlyHet · 21/12/2016 09:46

Blimey, OP, that is just so wrong of your (former) friend. She actually wants to use your DP's race to deliberately wind up her ex partner in front of her children? And she can't see what's wrong with that?

(Nowhere near as bad, but I once had a would-be lodger say "of course when my girlfriend comes to stay, I'll need you not to have any black people to visit because she doesn't like them." Needless to say, he did not get a room in my house. I fear these attitudes are startlingly common, as are those of people who want to climb through all sorts of hoops to defend the indefensible and pretend that blatant racism isn't actually blatant racism.)

user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 09:49

Ex is coming round, I think he might be violent and I'd really appreciate a man in the house as I think it might deter him

Maybe this is the real reason and she would rather be seen as twat than as a woman with a violent partner?

wotsitsorcheetos · 21/12/2016 09:50

She's obviously upset, not thinking clearly and it sounds like kids are at her ex's for crimbo. Can you pop round and tell her why her request was inappropriate? if you want to end the friendship then just leave it where you hung up the phone but haven't we all been a bit stupid sometimes?

icy121 · 21/12/2016 09:50

This friend sounds ignorant at best, at worst just a complete and utter cunt.

I'd just tell her the truth - not in an accusatory way - even though she's been a twat, she might genuinely not have thought what she said was in any way crass - and lay out why what she said was beyond the pale. They reason I say 'non-accusatory' is because whilst some people say/think in racist ways, she might actually be horrified upon reflection to realise that's the case. So by being calm and whatnot there's the opportunity to educate her (and her to hopefully pass that onto her kids).

If she comes back with no apologies or tries to justify herself then fuck her, give her both barrels and call her a racist cunt, and tell her that she's as bad as her ex by wanting to 'use' a black person in this way and no thanks you won't be seeing her again.

dollydaydream114 · 21/12/2016 09:52

Let's look at the evidence here:

  1. She shacked up with a massive racist and thought that was perfectly OK until he left her.
  2. She thinks that elaborate subterfuges to make people jealous, in the manner of a 12 year old, are acceptable.
  3. She is crass enough to think that she can 'borrow' a man as a sort of set-dressing accessory simply because he happens to be black.

She is as thick as mince and as sensitive as a wellington boot. I would not be friends with her for a moment longer.

dollydaydream114 · 21/12/2016 09:53

haven't we all been a bit stupid sometimes

Not as stupid as that, no.

HeadElf · 21/12/2016 10:08

Dear god, that's awful. She needs telling OP.

MrsMcMoo · 21/12/2016 10:10

Bloody hell that's awful. If you have the stamina, for her own benefit and her children, it would be generous of you to explain why this is so offensive. She won't thank you for it, but maybe it'll make her reevaluate her ways.

Lynnm63 · 21/12/2016 10:15

My first thought on reading the title was YABU. I assumed you were being asked for dp to make up a playhouse or some toy not be subjected to this.
My dh is often used for his manly skills.

Lynnm63 · 21/12/2016 10:16

Oh just realised I didn't say YANBU with bells on, my face was Shock once I'd actually read the thread.

LittleBooInABox · 21/12/2016 10:25

bakeof I didn't say forget it. I said feel like they have to constantly apologise. It shouldn't be forgotten, and I think it should be learnt from but I also think that maybe, just maybe, the women deserves her chance to have a say in what she said and why. If she is just displaying ignorance surely it's best to say actually that's offensive.

In my job I used to say coloured, until one person said actually that's more offensive. We'd rather you just said black. But I though that was offensive. How will she know if you don't tell her that you are uncomfortable with it? Or is being a mind reader part of her ignorance too.

'White privilidge' - really? Really? I'm privileged because I was born white! That's the biggest crock of I've heard this morning. Maybe I'm privileged that I had a stable upbringing, and a decent school education but those things aren't nothing to do with my whiteness. Or is there some special tax rebate I should get for being white? I'll go with western privilege.

I refuse to atone for sines I didn't commit. I have sympathy and look back at the actions of most of history in horror. But I will not be assumed that I'm a horrible person just because I was born white. A fact I had no control over. That's a strange notion.

girlelephant · 21/12/2016 10:25

Dreadful! She is also clearly clueless that she's saying she has no idea how she has upset you Shock

Not worthy of being a friend

Badbadtromance · 21/12/2016 10:30

Furious for you op. How dare she. I couldn't be friends with someone like that

SixthSenseless · 21/12/2016 10:35

I agree: tell her what she has done wrong. She may well shrivel with embarrassment, acknowledge just how crass, and racist, this is, and apologies unreservedly.

I also agree that white people are not 'guilty ' of being white per se. But what white people do have is freedom from racism, institutional racism, and being targeted by white supremacists. THAT is the 'privelige'.

But the friend needs to grasp the full imitation of what she was suggesting.